SOLDIER'S Have A Serious Problem With Sugar
by LiulfrLokison
Summary: How no one had figured this out already was anyone's guess. AKA the fic were Cloud threatens SHINRA with candy. And surprisingly it works. Part 6 of the SHINRA Electric Power Company Crack
1. Chp 1: SOLDIER'sHaveASeriousSugarProblem

_Well, it was quite an experience writing this one, ChaosBalance wrote this beautiful rant and it just snowballed from there. So kudos to ChaosBalance who both was my Beta - Reader for this fic as well as co - writing it, I thoroughly enjoyed myself as we were writing it together._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own any characters besides Keith, Matilda and my own version of Hojo (I wish Omael was the canon Hojo, it would make things much more interesting. Also, Choco-Kick Meteors are something that ChaosBalance came up with, so I'm not claiming that as my own idea._

-o0o-

It was widely known among the ranks of SHINRA that their SOLDIER's had a certain . . . addiction (which was the mildest way of putting it).

One of the minor setbacks with having mako essentially running through their veins was the major increase in appetite. Seeing as the best way to keep one's energy levels up was through sugar, the SOLDIER's diets quickly switched from the questionable substances of the cafeteria to practically living off takeout and vending machines.

The confectionery companies soon found themselves earning a lot of business from the power company, and as mako burned off all the excess fat that a non – enhanced individual would gain from all that candy, it didn't matter how many chocolate bars or bags of chewy candy they ate, the SOLDIER's stayed in peak condition (not to mention the fact the mako meant they wouldn't need to see a dentist ever again).

However, one set back regarding this sugar intoxication was the impact it had on the budget.

The accounting department had to set aside a separate budget under the SOLDIER's section labelled "Gluttonous Glucose".

It was a running joke between Matilda, the department head of Budgeting and Keith, when she was trying to give a name for the budget dedicated to sugar and sweets. She had 'glucose' down and Keith had scrawled 'Gluttonous' in front of it. She found it humorous and the rest of her staff caught onto it, and that became the official name for the budget.

The problem with this budget though, was that over time they had to draw more money from other budgets, and the department that got most budget cuts happened to be Urban Development.

While Keith gave Reeve his condolences yet again when the monthly meetings came up, passing along a note from Matilda who regretted to tell him yet again her second in command had been an impulsive idiot and drawn at least half of the Urban Development's budget to shove it under the Glucose budget.

This was the fifth time it had occurred, as the man was a pompous ass who decided he didn't need his female boss' approval to do such a thing, so Matilda was going to see if she could get him fired for insubordination.

However, this time Reeve wasn't going to drop the matter of this budgeting problem.

And for once, they got to witness the usually mild mannered man actually explode.

-o0o-

"My Budget has been cut YET AGAIN! I'm practically the only employee left in my department! I'm one man, that is doing the work of an entire department by myself, and now I can't even afford to give MYSELF a salary! Fuck this company! If things don't change I'm quitting! At least Ultima Services pays for access to my Quest Desk! Not only that, they don't complain when they don't like the Quests or Rewards on offer! They've been taking every Quest I've compiled that either don't make the 'guidelines' SHINRA has, or gets shunted out of rotation because no-one wants to take it. I ACTUALLY GET PAID, AND PAID WELL, BY A COMPANY THAT IS LITTLE MORE THAN A MERCENARY GUILD! I knew that SHINRA was fucked up, but not to this extent! Fuck the lot of you! KEITH, STOP LAUGHING, I'M FUCKING SERIOUS! CLOUD PAYS ME MORE PER MONTH THAN MY STARTING SALARY HIS OLD MAN GAVE ME! SPEAKING OF SALARY, MOST EMPLOYEES GET A WAGE RISE WHILE ALL I EVER GOT WAS A WAGE CUT! Fuck this, I'm done. So fucking done. Good luck organising the mission requests cause I am out."

While most of the board was bewildered by the pleasantly mannered engineers (who barely had the guts to speak up during the meetings) sudden outburst, Keith was currently wheezing for air as his whole body shook with laughter, hiding his face in his arms as he tried to smother his high pitched giggles with the table.

Sephiroth found himself staring at the older man in bewilderment, wondering if this was the first sign of a mental breakdown, while slightly disturbed at the absolute delight and pride shimmering in Omael Hojo's eyes as Reeve Tuesti stormed out of the room, slamming the door hard enough that it rattled.

It was completely silent, the only sound was Keith's broken giggling, the doorknob plopping to the ground.

It was when Keith actually slid to the floor, hiccupping and tears streaming down his face, his fingers tearing gouges into the wooden table as he desperately clung onto something to ground him after his hysterical fit, that anyone made a sound.

Veld made an awkward cough, causing everyone to turn to the Turk Director who seemed to be the most unruffled of the lot.

"Perhaps we should adjourn?"

The President nodded stiffly, rising from his chair and practically fleeing the room, an absolutely terrified expression on his face when he glanced to Keith.

The person in question who was starting to freak even Sephiroth out with the small smattering of giggles that escaped his lips from where he was now lying under the table, his face smooshed into the carpet as the ash blonde janitor began to curl up into a ball.

The others followed suit, Heidegger practically jumping a foot into the air when Keith let out an absolute shriek of laughter, startling even Tseng who was torn between following Veld and checking on one of his closest friends.

Sephiroth was at a loss, unsure of what he should do, but Omael simply shooed him out of the room, saying it was perfectly alright.

(He would later find out that Keith had these hysterical fits every once in awhile, which he usually let loose in Omael's office, explaining the rumours of interns being freaked out by the insane laughter).

However, it still didn't put his mind at ease about Reeve who had finally snapped after several years of putting up with this bullshit.

-o0o-

Ultima Services. An, as of yet, unheard of company that dealt with all kinds of issues.

Tseng couldn't really find anything about them and Veld didn't have much better luck, never mind what the rest of the Turks had been able to find.

(Although it rather was strange that Reno and Rude came back rather pale and shaky, with the excuse of bad memories being stirred up)

Zack, however, seemed to be a fountain of information. No-one knew how, and even Kunsel was stumped as to how Zack would know about the company when even his resources turned up little better than nothing.

Zack was also quite willing to tell all about this Ultima Services as well, luckily for the Turks.

"Sure, I can tell ya some stuff. It's pretty boring though, not like how it is in SHINRA. Ya see, people all over tender jobs that they need, and offer rewards for the ones who complete them. Ya got ya normal Monster-related jobs, then ya got ya jobs to fix stuff, then even jobs to do stuff like observe and film wildlife in it's natural habitat. There is all sorts of stuff, for all sorts of people."

"I can hear a 'But' somewhere."

"Ya gotta register with the Quest System and ya haveta pay a fee depending on the quest type and rank. Registering a Temp tag is free, and ya get three quests under 3* difficulty that ya can do on it. If ya want a permanent Quest Tag, then ya gotta pay a 100Gil fee and register ya personal details. Then ya gotta take a test to determine what type of tag ya gonna get. There's three types, and ya can only upgrade two of the three. The first type is Support Tags; these ones only allow you ta take jobs that are either 1-3* or are ones that are strictly repair or the like. Ya can't upgrade a Support Tag, cause those that have one aren't fighters. Merc Tags are the second type and can be upgraded twice to allow ya to take on more difficult missions, all the way up to 8-10* ranks. These ones allow any quest ya have the skill for and can include repair, monster-culling, delivery, etc etc. The last type'a tag is the one for Guilds, all Guild-leaders must first register either the first or second type of tag then apply for a Guild permit. Guild tags group together people, and allow the tags of all guild members to be used to take on Quests for the entire guild. Quests that have an Enhanced condition can still only be taken by someone that has that status on their Tag though…."

"I see, and these 'Tags', what about them?"

Zack then shifted and showed off his earring.

"See the engraving on this? This is my Tag. I scan this at the Quest Desk an' I can get all sorts of odd jobs. I even saw one of 'em that I recognised from the Second-Class board. The Second-Class board had the job listed as 500Gil, but I got about 5000Gil from it through the Quest Desk an' all I had to pay was the 150Gil process fee. That's more'n I make offa the First-Class board in a week doin' back-ta-backs. Kinda makes ya wonder jus' how much Old Man SHINRA is skimming offa the reward money from us SOLDIERs."  
Tseng would later think back to this conversation and realise how chilling but accurate Zack's comment was.

-o0o-

Sephiroth didn't really have a problem with Ultima Services.

In fact, he found the company to be rather . . . ethical compared to SHINRA.

He knew that Keith had a problem with the way SHINRA operated, shoving missions to the side because no one wanted to do them or the company didn't want to because of costs.

He knew it bothered the man that was practically a brother to him, and the reason why Keith threw himself into his work, trying to ensure that his own people were protected from the carelessness that came with being an employee of SHINRA.

Not to mention Sephiroth, himself, was a guild leader with most of the SOLDIER's based in Midgar. (President Shinra would have a heart attacked if he found out his General was working with the enemy).

Sephiroth was surprised at the types of Reward on offer for the Quests, as well as from the variety of jobs that were on offer. The spiky-haired blonde he often saw at the counter wasn't that bad to look at either, even though he looked like a skinny runt on a trooper.

In fact, the very man/child (he didn't really know, it was hard to gauge the blonde's age by looks alone) was standing in the lobby of the SOLDIER floors, and to his irritation, in the exact spot he was supposed to meet this elusive CEO that the Turks had managed to track down.

Zack, upon seeing the look on Sephiroth's face, immediately grabbed his arm.

"Seph, dude. I wouldn't try it."

Confused at the absolute seriousness in the normally chipper SOLDIER's voice, Sephiroth actually took Zack's words into consideration. But of course his irritation won out (Keith had been practically giggly that morning and refused to tell him why he was in such a good mood).

He hadn't really thought that this particular individual was dangerous, maybe with just a Support Tag if he had one at all. That was, until the runt grabbed his arm and sent him flying when he tried to escort the blonde out.

-o0o-

Zack could only groan in despair as he watched his silver haired superior march over towards the blonde, knowing that this would not end well.

Oh well, at least he could tell Keith he tried.

As a Sephiroth shaped hole was created in the wall next to him, Zack could only wince at the sound of mortar and plasterboard breaking upon impact.

Keith was not going to be happy.

-o0o-

The blonde janitor in question was swearing up a storm as he sprinted down the hallways, Hollander had been an ass as usual, causing him to be slightly delayed as he promised to meet Cloud in the lobby.

Hearing the sound of walls breaking wasn't an unusual sound, so Keith ignored it at first.

Then he had to backtrack at the flash of silver.

"Seph?"

"Yeah?"

" . . . For all that is good and chocolatey" (It was a running gag between the two of them) "Why, are you half embedded into a wall? One that I know is metal plated?"

"That . . . is a good question."

"What's the last thing you remember?"

One that Zack answered for them both, the raven haired puppy sticking his head out into the hallway (through a suspiciously Sephiroth shaped hole) and waving erratically with an absolute shit - eating grin on his face.

"I told Seph not to, but he thought Spiky wasn't here for . . . you know. So he tried to escort him out. Didn't work."

"Ah."

Sephiroth seemed rather dazed at the fact this was enough of an explanation (or maybe it was the result of being thrown through three and a half walls of steel structure).

"Keith! You're late!"

While Zack helped to peel Seph out of the wall, Keith sighed and jogged over to Cloud (who was both amused but annoyed going by his expression), throwing a thumb over his shoulder and gesturing down the hall.

"Blame Hollander. He thought it was a good idea to ask me if I tampered with his research notes from last week. I told him his intern chucked them out since they were utter crap, but he doesn't believe me. You would think after all the death threats I've given him he would stop trying to piss me off. But he never learns."

A look of understanding flickered over Cloud's face, both of them knowing the stupidity of those who believed themselves to be above others.

"Right . . . so, what time is this meeting supposed to start?"

Taking in Cloud's appearance (as always dressed in his usual leather half apron {which Keith was sure he could pull off himself if he put his mind to it}, and leather 'wing-guard' single sleeve), Keith couldn't help but raise an eyebrow.

"You sure you want to show up like that? You look a lot like a SOLDIER First with an altered uniform."

Knowing Cloud, his response would be . . .

"Does it look like I care? They're the ones who invited me, they never mentioned a dress code. Besides, they didn't exactly copyright the look, and it's comfortable."

Which was true, but that could start a debate that they didn't have the time to spare for.

"Zack? How's Seph?"

"Eh . . . a bit banged up but coherent. He should be fine. Although, I bet his ego's bruised something shocking."

"Please don't talk like I'm not right behind you."

"Pfhh."

"Oy, you laughed didn't you?"

Keith said nothing and took Cloud by the arm, dragging the amused blonde towards the elevators.

"KEITH!"

"Seph, you need to be up there too, right?"

" . . . For once, I'll listen to you Zack. And, please inform someone the walls need to be fixed. Again."

No one wanted to talk about the latest incident. Genesis still winced every time it was brought up, the auburn haired man swearing his hip wouldn't be the same again.

As Sephiroth caught up to the elevator (Keith taking pity on him and holding the doors open), he finally saw the blonde's eyes for the first time. Well, that explained that then, didn't it? Wonder what the board would say?

-o0o-

When Sephiroth swayed drunkenly through the doors, everyone was quick to sit up and take notice.

But seeing the amused smile on Keith's face, caused shivers to run down their spines. (Reeve hid a snigger behind his papers, having guessed what had happened.)

Although seeing the spikey haired blonde trailing behind the janitor, caused them much confusion.

"Sephiroth, I thought you were retrieving the CEO of Ultima Services?"

The General said nothing, actually slumping down into his chair without his usual gracefulness, running a hand down his face before answering.

"I mistook him for an intruder and got thrown through three and a half walls, I may have a concussion."

Veld shot Tuesti a concerned look when the man let out a smothered snicker, banging his knee under the tabletop in an effort to keep his composure together.

"Barrett owes Cid 5 Mastered All Materia. Barrett bet you wouldn't be that stupid."

Now it was the boards turn to stare at Keith who clapped a hand over his mouth to prevent himself from letting out a howl of laughter, eyebrows raised as the man sunk to his knees, his whole body trembling at the effort to not laugh.

The blonde crossed over to the window, and took a small frog out from his pouch. Upon the static of a spell being cast, the frog turned out to be something quite different.

"Hello, Hollander. Remember me?"

Said man let out a shriek of terror at the sight of crimson eyes and pitch black hair, leaping out of his seat and crawling under the table with whimpers escaping his mouth.

Omael let out a cackle at his co - worker's terror, warmly shaking the rather vampire - looking man's hand and giving the taller man a fatherly pat on the back.

Veld let out a strangled sound in the back of his throat, looking like he had seen a ghost, and promptly fainted, sending the whole board into hysterics.

The blonde, who was the cause of this whole mess, just chuckled and watched the chaos unfold.

-o0o-

Eventually Tseng had managed to get Keith back to normal, the janitor taking a few deep breaths before managing to revive Veld, clearing his throat.

The sound alone had everyone staring at him, frozen as they clearly remembered what happened if they ignored that sound.

The memories alone were enough to make them regret ever angering the man in the first place.

"Alright, now that we've got the panic out of our systems, shall we begin negotiations?"

President Shinra seemed quite alarmed to hear the word, his face still sweating from watching his staff panic.

"Negotiations? This is a simple meeting between companies, we never planned to negotiate anything."

Keith simply stared at the man, knowing full well that the President planned to negotiate or threaten Cloud in order to gain some semblance of control over his only competition.

"Try telling that to someone who buys your chocoboshit old man." Came the crunching from the window.

The sweet smell of caramel permeated the air, which caused various reactions throughout the boardroom. Sephiroth seemed to have instantaneously recovered from his concussion, sitting ramrod straight and his eyes lasered to the blonde like a predator who had caught scent of his prey.

To those with keener eyes would have noticed how both Tseng and Veld twitched, the Wutanian native's fingers were fidgeting as if he was trying to stay rooted to the spot, but his eyes betrayed how the smell was affecting him.

Veld would have had a more refined reaction, but since he had already lost his composure due to his prior fainting spell, he seemed to have abandoned the idea of dignity and hid his face in his hands. Vincent's silent laughter certainly told Veld that his former partner found the situation quite amusing.

Speaking of former partners, there was a story there, and it seemed to centre on Hollander. He'd have to get it later.

The latter was still hiding under the table, but his whimpering had long since died out the moment the crunching had begun.

(It seemed that Cloud was well aware of the SOLDIER's one little issue, judging by the way he had brought his own snacks to the table.)

"I ain't giving Reeve back old man, so screw off."

Cloud seemed to have rendered the President speechless, going by how red the blond man's face was becoming and the slightly choked gargles coming from his throat.

Reeve was thoroughly enjoying himself, watching the (clearly) one - sided match like a game of tennis, not even bothering to hide his grin behind his papers. Keith was more than happy to sit down next to the engineer, making off handed comments that had the bearded man snickering as Cloud continued to pick at the faults in the SHINRA co - operations policies like one would select candy in a grocery store.

There were plenty of options to choose from, and many different ways to eat them.

And Cloud certainly wasn't fussy about his choices.

This continued on for half an hour, and by the time President Shinra seemed to have regained his senses, Cloud had already became bored and was using an open window to ricochet small marble sized objects into his mouth (Tseng wasn't even aware they could do that with the windows in the boardroom).

Keith made a move and spoke up for the first time in a while.

"Oh man, this is going to . . . cause quite a stir."

"I'm just waiting for the threats to start. Then I can knock 'em off at the knees, or relieve them of a kilo or two of useless weight they aren't using."

"How are those caramels going to cause a problem?" Heidegger (who never tried to pay attention in any of the budgeting meetings) inquired, causing Omael to actually cackle and between his bone - chilling laughter, mentioned about proving a point.

Seeing as Omael wasn't going to explain to the clueless idiot, Keith decided to take pity and explain (Sephiroth was too preoccupied watching the small marbles of yellow sugar, that Cloud was now using fancier and fancier tricks to catch in his mouth).

"There is a reason for the Gluttonous Glucose budget. Due to the high concentration of mako in one's body, it keeps the subject in peak condition but increases the need for carbs and all those other things you won't understand. Glucose is the one thing the body will crave the most, and the easiest way to tackle the problem is with candy. That's the reason why your troopers always have an emergency stash of candy when they're assigned to missions with the SOLDIERs."

Going by the dumbstruck look on Heidegger's face, the man wasn't getting why Cloud tossing caramels around was a bad idea, nor the comment about the useless weight he clearly wasn't using.

"The ventilation in this room connects to all the other offices in the building. So the smell of caramel has by now reached the other floors. And since I did a routine check yesterday, I can confirm that all the vending machines are completely empty. Most of the SOLDIERs are out getting lunch, but when they get back they're going to be on that scent like a shark smelling blood in the water."

It was at this moment the Zack burst through the doors of the meeting room, a wild look in his eyes.

Sephiroth (being a bit more composed as Keith had shoved a bag of Kit - Kat's at him this morning), promptly threw his subordinate out and slammed the door shut behind him, before leaning on it as said subordinate began banging on the now closed door.

"That" Keith gestured to the door "is why this is a problem."

Realization began to spread across Heidegger's face, and the man squeaked when the door received a particularly strong kick, the metal enforcing practically squealing in an effort to stay intact.

"And this popcorn isn't even my 'big-guns', so to speak."

Omael had to excuse himself when he began to laugh so hard he began to wheeze, Veld (in an effort to regain some sort of composure) fetched a glass of water for the scientist, and began a hushed conversation with Vincent (who had retreated to a corner of the room, nearest the biggest window).

"And what, exactly are your 'big-guns'?"

Rufus, who hadn't said a word this entire time (and everyone had forgotten the teen was in the room with them), and was wearing an amused smile that quickly dropped at Cloud's next words.

"Why, big brother, haven't you heard of 'Choco-Kick Meteors'?"

(Keith knew that Rufus happened to enjoy those when he could get his hands on them).

"Choco-Kick Meteors? What are those? And why would they be your 'big-guns'?"

President Shinra was obviously quite confused, having never heard of the candy before

"My mother came up with them, after I ended up in that faulty fucking reactor. They look a lot like Materia, but are actually candy. Unenhanced individuals need the mild ones, and even then the result feels like a fully-powered Chocobo kick to the chest when the sugar high hits. The ones I've got on me are the SOLDIER-strength versions. These have the sensation of getting hit with several Mastered Comet spells, and that's when you're ENHANCED. Unenhanced individuals would outright have a heart-attack from sugar-shock."

"I may have also contributed to their creation." Keith threw his hand up like a child in a classroom, grinning like an absolute lunatic which didn't help to calm President Shinra down at all.

"Although the first few experiments almost got us kicked out of the village. Man, Cloud on a sugar high is not fun when you're the one having to clean up the mess. Not to mention one kid had to get most of his teeth removed when he ate a faulty one. We had to spend a full day hiding on the mountain when his parents found out. Ah, good times."

Sephiroth outright whimpered at the announcement, and was barely managing to keep the doors closed through his own silent begging to Cloud.

"Oh for the love of Gaia, let him in." Keith rolled his eyes, stomping over to the door and gently shoving Sephiroth out of the way. He soon had an armful of drooling Puppy, and a near close call from the rest of the SOLDIERs that had come back from lunch.

With a calm demeanor that only Keith could pull off, the janitor slammed the doors shut once again, kicking Zack to the ground and promptly sat on his back, leaning against the doors and not at all bothered by the shuddering and shouting coming from them. In fact, he looked quite comfortable, a stern glare down at Zack telling the raven haired SOLDIER what exactly would happen if he tried to throw Keith off.

A sigh of relief came from most of the board, Omael was quite happy monitoring the whispered conversation between Vincent and Veld, Reeve was grinning at the fruit of his labours (he wouldn't have expected his rant to result in this much fun) and Rufus had a bit of pride in his expression at his 'new - found' brother's guts.

"Wait, you ended up in a reactor and you're still alive?"

It was at this moment that Cloud turned around and, in the relatively dim light of the boardroom, his eyes glowed with a pure clear blue power.

If there was one way to summarize how the majority of the board felt right now, it could be done in three simple words.

 **Well, we're fucked.**

-o0o-

 _-Omake-_

Cloud seemed to take some pity on the panicking board members, strolling casually over to Omael who beamed with pride and ruffled his hair, commenting on how smart his nephew was.

Hollander practically screeched at this, no one had noticed the man had crawled out from under the safety of the table, pointing a shaking finger at Cloud with a look of utmost horror on his face.

"You're related to him?! Oh, now it all makes sense! You've inherited his psychotic genes!"  
Omael merely shrugged the insult off, having been subjected to this sort of behaviour for the past twenty years, but going by the glower on Cloud's face, the smaller blonde was not happy to hear his Uncle being called a psycho.

However, it seemed that Keith didn't like hearing that his little bro was being called the same thing. (To Omael, it was a compliment really, and Keith was well aware how Omael's mind worked).

"He's adopted you idiot!"

Before anyone else could respond, Keith had somehow shoved Zack in Sephiroth's direction, vaulted over the table and grabbed Hollander by the throat, holding the choking scientist at least a foot off the ground.

"No one, and I mean no one, insults my little brother."

Scarlet let out a shriek of alarm as Keith reared his arm back and threw the full 150 pounds of moronic flesh at the largest shatter proof glass window.

Vincent calmly opened the window he was near and stepped back, not once breaking off the conversation he was having with Veld as the scientist began his 70 story descent towards the ground.

The whole room fell into silence as they heard the portly man's screams, Keith clapping his hands as if dusting off filth, letting out a sigh of relief as he turned to President Shinra.

"And that, William, is my two week's notice. I've put up with that man for over a decade, and that was the last straw. Find yourself a new janitor, I'm done here."

No one could blame the President for bursting into tears.

"Does that mean you'll finally take my offer of working relief for Cait Sith? I don't mind doing it, but I like hunting the Enhanced Bounties more."

"Eh . . ." The blonde (now ex - janitor) scratched his head, strolling over to the smaller blonde with a thoughtful look on his face.

"I want a hug first, then we'll see."

"You do realize you'd be seeing more of your favorite SOLDIER kids, the top three each have their own guilds and all three guilds are in an alliance with each other and the AVALANCHE Guild."

Keith's face lit up like the fucking sun, he was so happy.

That was all Cloud needed to know.

"I still want a hug though. Advanced payment."

Veld was startled out of his conversation with Vincent when he heard Keith practically squeal with delight as Cloud finally gave into his demands.

(No-one noticed how pale President Shinra was getting, nor the way he gripped his chest.)

-o0o-

 _A/N: But by the Goddess, I enjoyed writing this. There may perhaps be additional chapters as we had more ideas, so please let me know if you want to see more of this crazy fic!_

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_


	2. Chp 2: CKM Ought to Come With A Warning

_Zack decides to introduce the Firsts to Ultima Services._  
 _However, things didn't really go the way he had planned it._  
 _Although, it did result in some very . . . hilarious consequences._

 _Well . . . this one took a while to pull out . . . sorry about the delay. I've not been able to really focus due to a persistent headache, and university has started up again. However, I hope you enjoy this chapter, I had a blast writing this up with ChaosBalance, who gave some quite hilarious prompts while slightly drunk, and I quote, "I'm on the vodka right now, so don't take anything all that serious." And threw out brilliant ideas while in this state, so this is technically my first drunken fic (as I do not like smell of alcohol, so I will never get drunk in my lifetime, only high on sugar)._

Disclaimer: Of course I do not own any of the FFVII franchise, but Keith is mine. I love him too much.

Yeah, about a week or so ago, I chugged half a Vodka Cruiser on an empty stomach and I am an extreme lightweight. I can't remember half of what I told Lokir, but when I was informed the next day, I ran with it to get me through the hangover.

A few days later, and here we are.

-o0o-

The entire first floor lobby of the SHINRA building was in absolute shock.

Zack, the SOLDIER re – known for being a hyperactive ball of fluff (one of the many reasons he was called Puppy), had just strolled through the entrance with his mentor thrown over one shoulder, and a red cloaked master mage held limply under the other arm.

Sephiroth, the silver haired General himself, was swaying drunkenly behind him, only able to keep his balance with one hand clutching Zack's free shoulder, simply glaring at everyone else as his subordinate towed him along through the lobby, actually growling when some moronic executive tried to inquire what had occurred, the question dying in his throat before the man fell to the floor in a dead faint.

No one moved to help him, their eyes still glued on Zack who was completely and utterly mellow, his inexhaustible energy . . . had simply vanished.

Instead of his bright and beaming smile, a wry grin adorned his face, the raven haired SOLDIER slipping into the elevator with three dumbstruck Turk trainees (who immediately fled once Sephiroth entered).

As they watched the red numbers change as the elevator ascended, there was one question that was echoed in all the minds of those present.

 _What, in the name of all that was good and sacred, had happened?_

-o0o-

Sephiroth wasn't sure about this. He really didn't like going behind the Turk's backs (he ended up in a lot of nasty tests), but Keith seemed perfectly happy to let them out the service elevator so he guessed it was okay.

Zack was completely hush - hush as he led the three of them through the back alleys (that he wasn't even aware existed above the Plate), Angeal trying to persuade his student that this was a completely bad idea and they should return to the Tower as he had plenty of paperwork to complete. Genesis just seemed happy to be out and away from the absolute wreck that was his office (he had thrown a fit when a class of newbie cadets got dumped on him and none had a clue how to even activate a materia, so it was easy to imagine how pissed he was when it was over), eager to see what sort of fun Zack had in mind.

Both Zack and Genesis had one thing in common that set aside all grudges the two had against each other.

Their mutual love for the chaos the other created.

Sephiroth was, more or less, there to prevent any damage to SHINRA's reputation.

Angeal could handle Zack, that was undeniable. Unfortunately, by adding Genesis to the mix, the stern Banoran would simply be overwhelmed.

The place Zack had led them to was an out of the way, four story building.

In fact, it was a familiar sight to Sephiroth as Keith often stopped by this building after their lunches, but had never bothered to ask what business the janitor had with the place. Keith always seemed to be a bit more chipper when he left, but not so much that it would perk Sephiroth's interest.

The building was the sort that one would dismiss, there wasn't anything particularly eye - catching about it, although it was a little rundown compared to the other buildings surrounding it. The paint above the door was peeling, a carved wooden sign nailed into the frame of the door with thick block letters spelling out 'Quest Desk'.

To anyone passing on the street, the words wouldn't really have any significance, in fact it sounded like an establishment for more . . . questionable content.

To put it simply, he would have linked this building to the Honey Bee Inn.

(He had been there once, and he did not want to repeat the events that happened. He had put his cadet days behind him, and he did not enjoy Genesis bringing it up for 'shits and giggles').

"Zack, are you sure this is . . . the right place?"

The only reason why he thought Keith would stop by is due to the connections the man had under the plate, but for Zack to lead them to here . . . he didn't want to know the reason Zack would even step into this type of establishment.

"Yep, this is it. It doesn't look like much, but it's better than it looks on the inside."

Angeal was eyeing the place like it was crawling with disease, he had made clear his views on brothels, Genesis still had nightmares of the thunderous lecture he had received when Angeal found him dragging Sephiroth out to celebrate their promotions.

Surprisingly, the inside wasn't as bad as it seemed once they passed through the lobby (Zack muttering it was just a fake cover to ward curious passer-bys off). Not to mention was the fact that there was nothing to suggest that this was a place of ill-repute.

The massive screen behind the counter was showing images of crossed swords over a bike, monster outlines, even a couple of wrenches and hammers.

The blonde behind the counter wasn't bad to look at either, though he did look like a scrawny cadet, or maybe a trooper.

"Heya Cloud, got some potential recruits here for ya!"

Well, this was news to them.

Genesis was a bit too caught up in looking around as something shiny had caught his eye, but Angeal certainly had been listening.

"Zack, you do realise you could potentially be putting your job, and our's, in jeopardy? We're contracted to SHINRA, and as SOLDIER's we aren't allowed to take on other employment. Those who have, are labelled as mercenaries and discharged from service. And even then, they're still under observation by the Turks as flight risks."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. The thing is, nothing here is part of SHINRA. These jobs are rejected by the company, and Reno made sure that the byline in our contracts was only for stuff that SHINRA offered, and had another area offer the same."

"I was not made aware of this." Sephiroth cut into the conversation between mentor and student, if there was a change to any SOLDIER's contracts, it would be run through him first. Or Lazard, who would in turn have let him know.

"Yeah, it's the original contract. We aren't allowed to work for another company, if it's the same stuff SHINRA does. But everything here was either tossed off the mission boards because no one would take it, or SHINRA didn't want the job in the first place."

"Ah."

Sephiroth was well aware of Keith's complaints about missions that were thrown out the window because they were, 'quote', too bloody expensive for the money - grubbing executives who he was convinced were embezzling the mission expenses to line their own pockets 'unquote'. He was currently working with Melinda to track those despicable roaches so Keith could terrorize them until they pleaded their guilt.

"Hi, Zack. The rewards are mainly goods and services today, but there is one mission for the slums that got tossed off the Second - Class board, if ya want it."

Genesis made a gagging sound when he heard the word 'slums'. Apparently he had decided to listen for once and walked back into the conversation with the worst timing Sephiroth had ever witnessed (and he had seen many a time that Genesis had made such blunders).

"Sign me up for it! Sounds perfect for an intro for these guys."

"I suppose that they'd want Temps after this."

"Maybe. HEY! I recognise this one! The Second - Class boards had this one as a 500G reward."

"Temps?" Genesis glanced to Angeal, who was as equally as confused as his childhood friend.

Sephiroth was a bit more concerned that the rewards were better at this . . . 'guild?' than what SHINRA was paying out.

"Eh, 500G? But the Quest giver put 5000G up for it? Yeesh, and I was wondering why you always had first dibs on the 'tossed' quests…"

The blonde male sighed as he pulled the quest up onto a tablet built into the desk, giving a more detailed version of it, Genesis idly flicked an eye over the details but the idea of wandering through the slums didn't appeal to him at all. Angeal of course read it through at least three times, Sephiroth was still hesitant about all this.

"Alright! It's got a plus on the reward! That means extra stuff!" Zack seemed rather happy about that.

"Why does it say 'process fee'?"

"The Quest giver has the rewards ready, but Ultima Services still has to make money. Rather than take it out of the reward, the one taking the quest is charged an 'insurance'. You don't get it back, but it does allow the quest to be re-offered if you fail."

"That . . . actually makes sense."

Now that he thought about it, how did civilians even request for monster exterminations and similar missions they had been on before? They couldn't go through normal channels, and slum dwellers didn't exactly have the money to request help from SHINRA in most cases.

"Hey, what are these?"

Genesis had found the source of the shiny gleam, a small bowl full of materia-like objects.

Sephiroth had never before in his life wanted to slap someone so much. And he thought that the executives were annoying! But Genesis could always outdo everyone in that department.

"OOOOOooooo, Choco-Kick Meteors! Cloudy, you really shouldn't have!"

"Careful of ya teeth, Yuffie kept trying to pickpocket me while I was carrying 'em. You know what she's like."

"So, check to see if they have the wrap on 'em, and don't eat 'em if they don't cause they might actually be Materia. Got it."

"And don't eat them before the close of business, unless ya want the rush ta hit and lose ya train of thought."

The thought of Zack on a sugar rush was quite a horrifying idea, and so Angeal was quick to pull Zack away from the bowl of sugary madness.

"Zack, please, do not touch the candy."

Even Genesis was terrified of the idea of the normally hyper – active Puppy on a sugar rush, and from the name of the candy it did seem like it had quite the effect.

" 'Geal, it's fine. I've had these before."

"He's actually more manageable when he eats them."

Judging from the expression on the blondes face, he seemed to understand that they clearly didn't believe him on that front.

"Seriously, I've eaten these many times before and I didn't break anything!"

The blonde could see the sceptical looks echoed on the three SOLDIER's faces, and after a moment of deliberation, he held the bowl out to the three of them.

"Why don't you try them then?"

 _In hindsight, the eerie smile on the blonde's face really should have warned them._

-o0o-

Zack looked at Cloud in horror.

Really? He was really going to give them the SOLDIER-strength ones? Instead of easing them into it with the civilian-mild versions?

Oh, Zack knew these were the extra strong versions. Cloud put them into the bowl with the skull-and-crossbone motif printed on it. If he had put them into the daisy-chain bowl, it would be a whole different story.

Seriously though? He was going to have the top three in SHINRA have what could possibly be their first sugar-rush on the MOST crash inducing candy in the world?!

Even he was hardly able to resist passing out after the crash hit on the Strong ones!

Though Cloud really did seem to be able to eat them one after another, maybe because the Strong ones weren't quite strong enough for him to get a sugar-rush on unless he ate about ten in a row before the first rush hit….. Please just let it be that, he didn't want to think of any alternatives.

As his fretting was taking up all his attention, he failed to notice Genesis and Angeal popping a Meteor into their mouths.

By the moment he did, it was too late.

Genesis' eyes practically glowed, fire licking at his gloved hands, and a hysterical giggle escaped his mouth.

Before they could stop him, Genesis had snatched up the request and scarpered out the door.

Angeal, however, reacted much differently.

There was a gleam in his eyes, and having many an experience with Zack and his 'Puppy' moments, Sephiroth could tell that Angeal was about to go on an infamous 'Puppy High'.

So he reacted the way that he normally would.

Angeal slumped to the ground a moment later, completely passed out from the sleeper hold Sephiroth employed in under a second (he had plenty of practice on Zack).

While Zack was happy that Angeal wasn't going on a sugar – fuelled rampage, they still had Genesis running around with fire materia equipped. He had seen Genesis on a LOVELESS fuelled tantrum, all fireballs and the fury a Materia Master could wield, but Genesis on a sugar high . . .

That certainly spelled out trouble.

-o0o-

Cloud grinned, now this was payback.

After giving Zack two of the candies (one for each of the SOLDIER's currently not suffering from sugar-overload) he then started the registration process for the three firsts.

Sephiroth looked over to Zack, then silently pointed out the door.

Zack huffed, before tossing Seph his Meteor and heading out to track down the hyper Pyromaniac that had just ran out the door.

Seph merely turned towards the now smug blonde who had several forms in front of him and was loosely holding a pen.

Sighing, he absent-mindedly tossed the Meteor into his mouth.

 _What possessed him to actually do that he didn't know and didn't remember, either way; it had been a rather stupid idea in hindsight._

-o0o-

Three hours later, Sephiroth was completely and utterly spent.

Some amount of time after he had consumed the candy (he would later on find out it had been an hour when Zack had returned without Genesis), he regained coherency and found his legs thrown over a couch in a break room behind the lobby, his leather coat hanging off a chandelier and Masamune buried halfway into a wall. He banged his forehead on a coffee table as he got up since he had somehow wedged his upper torso and head underneath it sideways, and now he had a crick in his neck.

It turned out from some very interesting security footage (that Zack had the blonde access), that he had started speaking in very rough and crude Nibel (Keith had been teaching him for a few months now), cursing to high heaven and obediently let himself be led into the break room as the blonde realised that he really shouldn't let anyone else see the General in this sort of state.

Angeal was still where he had been dumped on a couch an hour ago, and the floor was strewn with paper sheets (that were haphazardly slashed and stabbed into various furniture).

Apparently he had given up filling the forms ten minutes in and began to amuse himself by hacking at the assortment of forms. Now that he was coherent, Zack and the blonde helped him fill out the required forms before they went out looking for Genesis again.

Zack had spent that whole hour chasing Genesis who had been running around LOVELESS Avenue spouting out lines from his beloved play, freaking out many civilians who Zack hastily and illegally cast Confused status spells upon, but had lost the auburn haired mage when the pyromaniac found the stairs to the slums.

He had come back to get Sephiroth's help, but hadn't expected to find his superior in such a state.

So once Sephiroth had sobered up (but still feeling like a stampede of Mako – Mutated King Behemoths had run him over), the General slung the raven haired First over his shoulder and went to search the slums with the Puppy.

Two fruitless hours later, they returned to the Ultima Services building, only to find Genesis passed out in front of the desk, an amused blonde poking the Crimson Commander with a pen, promptly informing them that Genesis had come screeching in two minutes ago, slammed the completed requests onto the counter before passing out and hitting the floor face – first.

He was fairly certain that Genesis' nose was broken from how hard he hit the tiles.

Not to mention the cracks IN said tiles . . . . . .

But when it came to the topic of Tags, Sephiroth got a little too . . .

Eager on the options.

-o0o-

It turned out that Genesis and Angeal did not, in fact, like where Sephiroth had chosen their Tags to be placed but couldn't really argue when Sephiroth replied to their complaints with the explanation "I thought friends were supposed to do stupid shit to friends that were passed out." while at the same time tilting his head to the side like a puppy dog.

They couldn't find a reason to explain to Sephiroth why that was a bad idea, since Genesis was the one who told Sephiroth that when they finally got it into the silver haired boy's head that they were, in fact, friends. (Plus Genesis was too busy crying because he was so proud of Sephiroth for taking his advice).

Zack had to sit them down and explain why the Tags were piercings, as the Tags were very expensive to replace so them having a permanent piercing saved them from having to replace Tags every other week, besides, it was normal for SOLDIERs to wear earrings. Sephiroth was having a bit too much fun with his new tongue piercing, although he couldn't eat or drink anything for a while otherwise he would irritate the piercing.

Genesis had it easier than the both of them, as Sephiroth had chosen a navel piercing for the thespian who hated exposing his stomach as his skin was lily white and he wanted to keep it that way.

Angeal though, he couldn't help but blush every time he saw his piercing, due to its location and the fact that it stung when it brushed against his clothing. Sephiroth knew how much of a prude Angeal was, and had decided in the hype of it all, that Angeal needed to have his Tag as a nipple piercing.

The Banoran had been too shocked to even speak, but he did whack Sephiroth over the head when the General asked if he liked it, before passing out again.

Genesis snorted when he saw Sephiroth's tongue piercing, but when he caught sight of the tattoo inked into Sephiroth's lower back, he began to laugh hysterically to the point he almost stopped breathing, wheezing out between gasps for air that Sephiroth had a tramp stamp.

It only occurred to Sephiroth later after the high of the Choco – Kick – Meteor wore off, that Keith was going to kill him, but not before Professor Hojo got to him first.

Needless to say, the janitor was not happy when they all came crawling back to the Tower, merely raising a hand and pointing down the hall.

"My office. Now."

Neither Zack nor Sephiroth tried to plead their case.

-o0o-

Keith had known Zack had taken Sephiroth, Genesis and Angeal down to the Ultima Services desk, since the Puppy had begged and pleaded with him for a week to have permission to introduce the First's to the service, but he had thought Sephiroth, or at least Angeal, could have kept the situation from spiralling out of control.

While he let Genesis and Angeal recover on his couch, he now had the problem of deciding the two First's (who were currently sitting on their knees in front of his desk with utter panic on their faces) punishments.

While he was happy that Sephiroth was experiencing a bit more freedom, he was ashamed in Zack that the Puppy hadn't explained to his fellow comrades about the side effects of eating Meteor's for the first time.

Not to mention he had to go sort out the bunch of Confused citizens after getting a report that Genesis was running around LOVELESS Avenue, acting like more of a lunatic than he usually was.

Although he had to admire the tattoo Sephiroth had gotten inked, spelling out 'The most Beautiful Flower has the Sharpest Thorns' in delicate cursive Cetra script.

There was only one person who knew the Cetra script well enough to ink it like that, and he knew Cloud would have been both pleased and amused giving Sephiroth this tattoo.

However, he would now have to deal with informing Omael about the shenanigans his surrogate son had gotten into, and hoped that his friend wouldn't blow his fuse over the fact Sephiroth had finally gotten that tramp stamp he had wanted since he was ten years old.

(Neither of them wanted to know how ten – year – old Sephiroth knew that term).

At least said tattoo was actually tasteful, unlike some of the things Sephiroth had tried designing.

-o0o-

 _A/N: There is another chapter in the works though, a public reaction to President Shinra's death, and some certain piercings make an appearance._

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_

I had fun with coming up what goes where. I just couldn't resist, poor Angeal is just so body-shy, Genesis hates to show skin, and Seph was pestering me about delayed teenage rebellion. And here I thought only Lokir was the one that got pestered by 'em. Then Vincent got into the act and that discussion spawned the basis for the next chapter. It might be awhile though, and I'm saving the Elder Scrolls fic for the long holidays so Lokir isn't overwhelmed by work. I have nothing to do, but poor Lokir is currently swamped (the minor surgery for a mole removal doesn't help the headache they've got either)


	3. Chp 3: Press Talks Are Never This Fun

**Press Talks Are Never This Fun**

 _President Shinra is dead and now the company has to deal with the public. Except like always, Genesis causes trouble._

 _Well, there's another chapter finished! This one was as fun to create as always, and I immensely enjoyed writing this with ChaosBalance like always!_

 _It got a little out of hand as always, but it's Genesis, so what can you expect?_

Disclaimer: As always, I don't own any characters besides Keith, although I dibs on my version of Omael!

-o0o-

President Shinra's untimely death (who are we kidding, it was totally foreseeable) came much as a shock to the general public, who were given the news in a short statement a mere two hours after he passed away.

In order to put the public's mind at ease, a press conference was scheduled and of course, being one of those present at his time of death, Sephiroth was one of the SHINRA staff chosen for said conference.

Needless to say, Genesis and Angeal were also chosen for the conference, as having the backbone of SHINRA present would help them portray to the public that everything was under control. There was absolutely no trouble on that front as Keith and the rest of the departments that deferred to him were 100% fine with the loss of their President, as they actually were the ones keeping the company together for all these years. So it was really those few department heads that had been using their positions for their own gains that were worried about the turn of events.

Hearing that Keith was leaving only made those few panic more, and the staff under Keith were perfectly fine as they had learned enough from the janitor that they would keep working as usual, he had taught them well.

It also helped that about 71% of them were converted to Ultima Services, they just kept it well under wraps.

Omael was happily enjoying the demise of his colleague, Hollander had been a pain in everyone's backside for many years, and had celebrated with a few mugs of Nibel Ale that Vincent had thoughtfully brought along, as the ex-Turk was intending to kill Hollander anyway. The ex-Turk had also vowed to never drink alcohol until the scientist was dead, and so he now rejoiced in the scum bucket's (Chaos' words, not his) termination.

The two had been found completely wasted in the morning, as they had stumbled upon an aged whiskey that Hojo had been saving for a special occasion, and Keith had thrown in a couple bottles of vodka from his prized stash. Only the janitor had been in a tolerable state in the morning, although he did have a small headache when he hit his head on a chair when he had to wrestle the last bottle of vodka from Vincent who had been singing a garbled rendition of 'We Are The Champions' from where he had been swinging from the industrial sized ceiling lamps.

Keith still didn't know how Vincent got up there.

Omael didn't suffer as much as he had kept to the couch he normally slept on if he stayed overnight in his office, although he did need several cups of coffee and kept the lights dim until the afternoon before he was in a tolerable state to face the world again.

Sephiroth had been the first to find the three men as he had wanted to talk to Vincent, was dumbfounded when he came across Vincent (who was partly–dangling from the ceiling lamps) and couldn't help but wince when the ex-Turk slipped off as he attempted to get up when he heard the door open. Keith had been startled awake from the crash, falling off the edge of the couch that he had been precariously balanced upon, knocking the wind out of Vincent who happened to land right by said couch.

In their attempts to get up, Keith banged his skull on Vincent's chin, and both men began to curse to the heavens as they clutched their injured body parts.

Omael somehow slept through all their violent, and quite creative, swearing.

Cloud (who had arrived a scant few seconds after Sephiroth) managed to film the entire thing, an unholy smirk on his face as he saved the video to his private network. Keith immediately demanded a copy of the video as evidence why to not let Vincent and Omael drink that much alcohol again, muttering under his breath that they clearly had not learnt from the 'Nibel Ink-cedent' and this would be another reminder why they needed to know their limits.

Both Sephiroth and Cloud perked up at the mention of the 'Nibel Ink-cedent', no matter how much they had both pleaded and begged Keith to tell either of them about the incident, the man was utterly tight-lipped on the matter, having been the only one who remembered anything about it even though he had been 100% percent drunk at the time. Omael and Vincent's memories had gone completely blank several minutes after they had hit the twentieth bottle, and unfortunately the technology they had at the time was not sophisticated enough to record video.

(However, what Sephiroth and Cloud didn't know was that Keith had a few _audio-bytes_ he had managed to record on the sly if the other two needed a firm reminder of why they weren't going to drink that much alcohol in one sitting ever again).

(What Keith tended to forget was that Cloud was a mama's boy, and Mama Strife _loved_ to tell all sorts of stories to her baby. Since the accident and subsequent explanation of Time Travel shenanigans he'd been through anyway.)

While Keith helped Vincent and Omael get sober again, Jenny took over the reins and began to plan the press conference out with her team. Seeing how efficient they were, (Charles Parkinson was especially motivated when Cloud slipped him a picture of the three recovering from last nights drinking) the conference was set up within the week.

It was going to be a simple standard press conference, a gaggle of reporters, cameras, the usual media mess.

However, they didn't anticipate how the press conference would veer slightly, off course . . .

More like the topic was driven aside by public curiosity, crashing and burning right off the track.

-o0o-

"So, General, what is the word on what is happening to the SOLDIER program?"

"President Shinra held a more administrative role in that respect, it can still function without his direction, but given the current circumstances, the SOLDIER program will be put on hold until the negotiations with the company looking to acquire the Science Department of SHINRA is concluded."

"Why the Science Department?"

"The reason for this is that the research of the Science department is the cornerstone of the SOLDIER program, the SOLDIER program wouldn't exist without the research into making sure that the Mako used wouldn't kill the participant." Omael was rather smug as he stated that his department was the most important part of the company, he never really got to brag.

"That research also includes the potions, remedies and other wares that are sold to the public. The Science Department is the major backbone of the company that allows us to have a budget to continue this research and funds the other items and devices the company makes. The mako research allows us to convert its energy into the electricity that powers your homes, businesses, etc . . ." Reeve pitched in, a rare sight as the Urban Development Department was hardly ever mentioned and some people weren't even aware it existed.

So far, the conference was going fairly well, they were on topic, the press were hearing the right things they needed to hear to prevent public panic, however . . .

A certain someone was catching the eye of a rather . . . inquisitive reporter.

(Who happened to be a journalist for a gossip magazine that tended to focus on frivolous topics that sold annoyingly well).

"General! General! I'm Katie, from the SOLDIER Club Weekly. I can't help but notice that when you speak there seems to be something flashing in the sunlight…. Do you have a new filling? Or is it something more scandalous?"

Sephiroth blanched, he had utterly forgotten about the piercing as he had been more focused on the press conference being a success so that they didn't have to deal with panicking citizens.

"Come on Seph! Show it off! If I have to force myself into it, then you do too!" Genesis crowed.

Angeal managed to kick Genesis' shin under the table, trying to get his friend to settle down and not turn this conference into a spectacle, causing the auburn haired First to wince but Genesis plowed on anyway despite the stinging pain.

"I'll even make 'Geal show his if you do!"

Said man gave up and hid his face in his hands, face beet red.

Omael gave pity on the mortified Banoran, patting him on the back, but still was finding this all too amusing so his chuckling didn't help to settle Angeal.

Sephiroth couldn't help himself, and promptly stuck his piercing out at Genesis.

(Somewhere in the background, Keith slapped a hand over his eyes and dragged his fingers down his face, cursing all the gods in all the tongues he knew. His nephew was an utterly impulsive idiot).

There was utter silence for at least thirty seconds before the whole lobby (there wasn't a room big enough to house all the press so the lobby had to do) descended into chaos.

It took several futile attempts to get everyone's attention (as there were questions being shouted, camera's clicking away and mass hysteria), before Keith eventually took control of the situation.

Omael had been the only one to notice what his young friend was up to, and managed to warn Angeal in time for the blushing Banoran to clap his hands over his ears just as Keith blew the air-horn he kept for such an occasion.

Keith could easily catch anyone's attention when he put his mind to it, so he hadn't really needed to use the air-horn that much, only once before when Lazard had given up on a squad of fresh Third Class SOLDIERs who had gotten overly cocky due to receiving high recognition for their stellar results in the exams and had been causing major disruptions among the ranks. The idiots had completely ignored Keith (who had silently watched them with ill veiled disgust from the doorway as they were goofing off), who then whipped out the air-horn and blew it without any warning.

It also happened to be one that Reeve had cooked up because the acoustics of the building really sucked and the alarm system had died earlier that week.

For a bunch of wet behind the ears SOLDIERs who had just recovered from the side effects of their first mako treatment, they were still adjusting to their heightened senses and so it was expected that the whole bunch of them screamed in agony when Keith set it off in the echoing gym.

Keith had completely and utterly been without mercy, and so for him to use the air-horn (with a blank faced expression that told them he really didn't give a flying toss about their eardrums), he must have been really pissed off.

Needless to say everyone took notice of the janitor after they blinked away the tears caused by the ear–splitting that had just assaulted their tender ear drums.

Angeal and Omael had been the only ones spared (Genesis sometimes swore that Keith wasn't human, and given the fact he didn't even flinch with the air-horn going right off in his hand, Sephiroth was inclined to agree), and there was a ten minute break for the press (and the several SOLDIERs who had been in the room) to recover before resuming the conference.

Everyone kept a wide berth around Keith from then on, eyeing the air-horn tucked under his arm with terrified eyes.

-o0o-

The press were still adamant to know about the piercings though, there was no way they could forget that.

Seeing as Sephiroth was the face of SHINRA, for him to have such a permanent accessory on his person, would either be received or rejected by the public. So far; the press weren't sure how they felt on that front.

Given that Genesis had ousted the fact that the three famous Firsts of SHINRA had permanent piercings (although he didn't mention what and where) and Sephiroth (living in the moment that the President that had irritated him for years was now dead) had just _shown_ his own in an impulsive move; the public would be eager to know where said piercings had been gotten and what type those piercings were.

Keith was currently seething in the background, (Reno was the only one who dared to be in a ten metre radius of his 'Dad') tapping a finger against the air-horn with clear intent that he would use it again if the press got out of hand.

Katie, from the SOLDIER Club Weekly was the first reported to gather her wits together, and eagerly began to asks questions.

"Commander Rhapsodos, if we all heard you correctly" several reports and camera men nodded (although they were having trouble hearing properly as their ears were still ringing) "you implied that both you and Commander Hewley have piercings as well?"

Genesis definitely did not 'just' imply it, but he could appreciate the reporter's use of words.

Genesis began to open his mouth to answer the question when Angeal, his eyes filled with desperation (which only appeared whenever Zack or Genesis were about to do something dangerously stupid), grabbed his childhood friend by the shoulder and pulled him right off his chair.

Everyone stared at Genesis, who was sitting in shock from where he had been yanked off the chair.

Sephiroth was pretty sure he heard Angeal swear under his breath. But Genesis had seemed to reclaim his wits and knowing his dramatic nature, he was about to retaliate.

Genesis stood up, shook himself off and promptly glared at Angeal, before turning to the crowd with a grin. The next thing he did shocked even Keith (who was still silently scowling at everyone). .

He shed the infamous red coat he always wore, tossing it aside like it wasn't the main centrepiece of his whole image, before reaching down and stripping off the shirt he was wearing underneath it (once removing the bulky SOLDIER belt that really should have been questioned when the uniform was designed).

Someone let out a high pitched squeal and promptly fainted at the sight of Genesis Rhapsodos, wearing a crop top (at least he didn't actually reveal his entire chest, that would have sent the public into a fan frenzy).

Pictures were quickly snapped, and they all knew this was going to be fuel for the fans, and Sephiroth wondered how many Red Leather fans were going to faint at the sight of the piercing but then make it a trend.

But Genesis was done, no, not at all.

Genesis grinned, then pounced on Angeal, whom had gotten up to try and force Gen back into his coat (that Vincent had thoughtfully thrown him).

Sephiroth was a bit too amused at the situation and did nothing to help, as they watched Genesis and Angeal grapple, the former trying to tug the SOLDIER vest off of his friend, and the latter was attempting to drag Genesis from the lobby.

Suddenly there was a loud ripping noise; which turned out to be the vest Angeal wore giving way.

There was a moment of silence before it actually computed that Angeal Hewley, the stoic SOLDIER who valued modesty to the point he made even a saint seem indecent and the man infamous for his 'Honor, Pride, and Dreams' lectures, was only wearing a mesh top underneath his SOLDIER issue vest.

The Nipple Ring poking out through the mesh was only the cherry on the sundae, as far as the whole show went.

No one could blame the cameraman nearest the stage from fainting, a lot of the news crew felt like passing out themselves.

Genesis was reveling in the chaos he had just created, but realised that he may have taken it a little too far when Angeal lunged at him with a roar of almost berserk rage. No one could fault Genesis for squeaking and diving under the table for cover.

After that, it wasn't really a press conference anymore.

The news crews had given up on getting a story, and proceeded to film Genesis squealing like a pig as he was chased around the lobby several times by Angeal who was literally red-eyed with fury.

Rufus (who had been sitting next to Cloud the entire time), was looking at Keith with the hope that the janitor would perhaps do something, but Keith was completely stone faced.

Sephiroth could see the exasperation on the young Shinra's face, and so felt perhaps it was time to do something.

Snagging the collar of Genesis' crop top when the two Firsts sprinted past the table, he let Angeal reclaim his vest, and they all watched as Angeal stormed out of the lobby, most likely headed to care for his plants in order to calm down.

However, Sephiroth forgot he was still holding Genesis in his grasp, and the thespian still wasn't done with causing havoc.

The smell of smoke gave way to what the drama-queen had been plotting.

Sephiroth dropped Genesis like a handful of hot coals, but was unable to save his shirt (which Genesis had obviously lit on fire with a Materia) and immediately removed the article of clothing before he had to be admitted to the Medic Wing for burn injuries, unfortunately forgetting that his back was to the news crews when he did so.

Of course the cameramen got a brilliant view of his wonderful new tattoo.

With this shocking revelation, Jenny decided that perhaps the media had enough information and ended the live broadcast.

Besides, it wasn't like the journalists could get any more information, seeing as they had all passed out.

 _This certainly was going to be a headache to sort out._

-o0o-

 _'The Aftermath of the Reveal'_

 _As you all know, the press conference called about the issue of the President of SHINRA's untimely and shocking passing didn't exactly go according to plan._

 _As it turns out, the only official information about the SHINRA company that anyone was able to glean from the rather unorthodox conference was that there were negotiations for the science department._

 _The News crews on scene were more concerned with the shiny new accessories that the three infamous Firsts of the company were sporting._

 _For those of you who do not know; Angeal the Honorable has a shiny new Nipple Ring, Genesis of the Firestorm has a Naval Stud, and the Silver General has not only a Tongue Stud but a Tramp-Stamp to go with it._

 _The General released an official statement asking for any enthusiast who wished to copy his tattoo just for the sake of having the same tattoo as him, to please not do so, as it has a personal meaning to him that would be cheapened if others had the same._

 _Article by: Katie Paparzi of the SOLDIER Club Weekly_

-o0o-

Omake:

"Don't even try to ask me to clean up this mess. This is wayyyy out of my hands. Plus I did warn you about the consequences."

Rufus (who was really the only one trying to salvage his father's company) failed to negotiate with Keith who he hoped would still stay on with the company.

"Seriously, I'm not a miracle worker."

Although he had made Genesis calm down on his antics and the Crimson Commander was in a dazed sort of state for several weeks after the conference.

But now, he had to deal with his half-brother, and he sincerely hoped that Cloud would be willing to wrangle this whole fiasco so that they managed to get something out of their father's *cough* sperm-donor's *cough* death.

Cloud, however, wasn't the least bit interested. He had everything he wanted and, as he had repeatedly told Rufus, he actually had his own company to run.

And it had been rather satisfying watching Genesis being put in his place by his ticked off 'brother'.

-o0o-

 _Sephiroth had been a bit too preoccupied with covering up his back to notice that Genesis had crawled back into his seat, sniggering into the tabletop as he took in the sight of the passed out reporters._

 _Vincent decided to take pity on the frantic General, yanking a nearby curtain and presenting it to Sephiroth. He received a mumbled thanks from Sephiroth as he wrapped the pale cream sheet around himself, Omael slipped his surrogate son a Snicker bar as Sephiroth was certainly embarrassed by how he had acted during the press conference._

 _However, in the chaos of the reporters seeing the tattoo, they had all forgot about someone._

 _"Genesis."_

 _The man in question froze, hesitatingly peeking over his shoulder and squeaking when he saw Keith standing behind him, his face had a calm, pleasant expression but his eyes were as cold as a glacier._

 _The press came to just in time to see Keith dragging a flailing Genesis across the floor by the leg, the panicking SOLDIER was digging his fingers into the floor hard enough to leave gouges in the tile._

 _They all watched silently as the janitor threw a door labelled 'Authorized Staff Only' open near the maintenance corridor, and Genesis let out a high-pitched shriek as Keith proceeded to haul him through the door. Sephiroth munched on his chocolate bar as he watched Genesis lose his grip on the door frame, not at all feeling pity for his colleague as the prideful SOLDIER vanished into the room beyond._

 _"I'm sorry Keith! I won't do it again I swear!"_

 _"Keith, please! I'll never complain about slums missions again! I'll stop reciting LOVELESS for a month!"_

 _Vincent raised an eyebrow at the sound of Genesis sobbing._

 _There was the sound of a door swinging open, a pained grunt and a door slamming shut._

 _Rufus jolted when they heard Genesis begin to scream bloody murder, muffled sounds of a fist pounding against a door._

 _ **"NONONONONO! I'M SORRY KEITH I'M SORRY, PLEASE LET ME OUT I'LL NEVER ACT LIKE THAT AGAIN OH DEAR GODDESS WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE THAT THING IN HERE?!"**_

 _Eventually the screaming died out, fading to whimpering and crying._

 _At some point it seemed that Keith had deemed Genesis had learned his lesson, because the two emerged seconds later, the latter swaddled in two thick towels, one wrapped around his body and the other draped over his head._

 _Cloud let out a snort of laughter, Sephiroth and Vincent recoiled in absolute disgust, and Omael rolled his eyes._

 _Genesis let out a wail of shame before dashing to the elevators, leaving a questionable trail of some liquid substance on the tiled floor._

 _If anyone asked what Keith had done to cause such a reaction from the fearless Crimson Commander, the janitor just smirked in such a way that the one asking would flee, not wanting to know the answer._

 _Genesis holed himself up in his room for a week, and acted like an absolute zombie for a whole month when he finally emerged._

 _Needless to say, no one wanted to know what Genesis had encountered down in that room._

-o0o-

A/N: This is a fun little series that I wish could go on forever, and that might be possible as we just keep coming up with other chapter ideas!

LiulfrLokison out! :3


	4. C4:NibelInk-cedentAKADon'tDrinkWithKeith

**The Nibel Ink-cedent AKA Why You Don't Drink Around Keith**

-o0o-

Vincent, Keith and Omael revisit 'The Nibel Ink-cedent' to remind themselves why they don't drink to the point they lose their common sense.

But it's mostly for Vincent and Omael's sakes.

Keith's just having fun watching them squirm as they listen to their antics from twenty years.

 _Ah, this was a fun one to write. I didn't have a set plan, I just kept writing with whatever came to mind. So it may be a bit of a jumbled mess, but really, that night for them was a jumbled mess._

 _ **On a side note, I am just making assumptions with their drunken behavior, I don't drink and I never intend to, so I have no personal drunken experiences to use as reference, meaning I'm not exactly sure if what they do is realistic. Don't take their actions seriously, because I just made it up. It's fictional.**_

 _Enjoy!_

Disclaimer: I own nothing from the franchise, just Keith who really is a bag of contradictions.

Oh Bahamut, what did I DO to end up with this...? Oh right, sculled another Vodka Crusier on an empty stomach and followed it up with a sickening amount of Fudge.

Luckily, I'm outta vodka for the moment. UNluckily, I've just found a bottle of Baileys Irish Cream Whiskey. We'll see where this ends up.

-o0o-

Due to the latest fiasco caused by consuming copious amounts of alcohol (finely aged may I add), Keith felt it was time to revisit a certain incident from twenty years ago.

Vincent and Omael had been well aware of the fact he had some recordings that they had listened to after they had both recovered from the horrendous hangover (Keith filling in the blanks where he hadn't been able to record), and never thought they would need to hear those cursed tapes ever again.

However, Keith was dead set on listening to them as a reminder of what could have happened.

None of them wanted to know what they could have done if they hadn't confined themselves to the SHINRA Tower and had gotten out into the streets while being highly intoxicated.

And so, in order for the lesson to truly sink in, Keith had locked the three of them in his office to make sure Vincent didn't make a break for it (he still regretted the actions of that night) and Omael preferred Keith's office since there was no surveillance.

"Right, comfy enough Vince?"

The ex-Turk was trying to delay listening to the tapes as much as possible, perching on the window sill at first, then moving to the couch . . .

Simply put, he was delaying the inevitable.

"Yes . . ." Vincent knew he couldn't win in this battle, and so he had finally accepted his fate.

"Okay. Tape 1 of 10. Here we go."

 _Click._

-o0o-

 _"It's a boy."_

 _Omael and Vincent let out a sigh of relief when Keith came in with the good news, the fifteen year old teen rolling his eyes at the two adult's dramatics._

 _The two had spent ten minutes in the delivery room before bolting._

 _You would think a scientist would be perfectly fine with watching a woman giving birth, especially if one was married (regrettably) to said woman giving birth._

 _"And, they checked the DNA. Congrats Vince, you're a father."_

 _Vincent stared at the blonde teen in front of him with wide eyes, as if he had been told he had just won the lottery, a second later banging his head onto the table._

 _"I'm a dad?"_

 _Keith merely crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow._

 _"Yeah, you're a dad. You've got a son now, that's what it means to be a dad."_

 _Vincent looked up from the table, his forehead a stinging red as he had slammed his head against the wooden surface quite hard._

 _There were tears in his eyes (Omael and Keith weren't sure if it was from pain or the realisation that he had a kid now), and several minutes of awkward silence passed between them._

 _"So . . ."_

 _The scruffy teen and the weeping Turk both glanced to the smiling scientist, a wicked glint in his bespectacled eyes._

 _"Shall we celebrate?"_

 _ **Later on, after several glasses of whiskey, the two men would realise that celebrating in Nibelheim meant drinking as much alcohol as you could until you either passed out or got shitfaced.**_

 _Needless to say, they were both surprised at how easily Keith provided said alcohol and in hindsight, they really shouldn't have let the fifteen year old pour the drinks._

-o0o-

"Why, did we ever trust you with the drinks?"

"Because I was the local and you guys were the outsiders. You trusted me enough to lead you through the Nibel-dragon and wolf infested mountains, so there's not much of a stretch between that and handling alcoholic beverages."

" . . . . ."

"He has a point."

"Shut up Omael."

-o0o-

 _Ten glasses of whiskey in, and Omael was already tipsy._

 _"Oh my gods Omael, you should have told me you were a lightweight!" Keith exclaimed, planting a cup of water down in front of the scientist who was completely flushed and had let his hair down from the mess it had become due to frantic fingers running through it too many times._

 _Vincent merely stared at his fellow comrade (both had suffered from the witch that was Lucrecia), sipping at his glass that Keith had refilled while tending to Omael. The teen was a bit too familiar with pouring alcohol than Vincent liked, but seeing as it was Nibelheim . . ._

 _Once making sure Omael was hydrated again (lesson number one of drinking, always have water on hand), Keith sat back down in his chair (they all winced at the creak it made, the mansion really needed new furniture), slamming back a full glass of whiskey with the ease of a veteran drinker, Vincent couldn't help but rub his throat, knowing full well the burn that accompanied the liquid._

 _There was a reason the Turks all had drinking lessons, sometimes there was drinking involved in missions, and none of them wanted to have to fight while intoxicated._

 _"So, you've got a son now. Lucrecia certainly doesn't seem like she's going to take care of him. I heard her making arrangements to return to Midgar."_

 _Both men groaned in unison, the fact that Omael was married to Lucrecia and Vincent was the child's biological father, meant there would be a headache when it came to deciding who got custody of the child._

 _Vincent gulped down the remains of his glass and slammed it down onto the table._

 _"Give me another."_

 _Keith just grinned and set another full bottle (from gods knows where) and popped the cap open._

 _"Bottoms up."_

-o0o-

"What happened after that? There's a jump."

"Because someone decided sitting in the kitchen drinking where anyone could come in was a bad idea, and made us relocate to the bedrooms in the West Wing."

"I don't remember that."

"That's because you blacked out for five minutes Omael. We, meaning Vincent, had to carry you up there. I had no problem with that, those chairs were really starting to dig into my back."

"I hated that place."

" . . . We know Vincent. You cursed, ranted and raved about that, and I quote 'shitty, crumbling excuse for a mansion that you would like to set on fire and roast marshmallows' before deciding the issues of vending machines was more important. You listened to one of Zack's theory rants, didn't you?"

" . . . He had some valid points."

"Sure . . ."

-o0o-

 _"These beds are shitty."_

 _"Your face is shitty!"_

 _Keith actually did a double take, looking at the scientist who was practically a brother (a very older brother) to him, swear at Vincent. Even the Turk was taken aback, pausing to put his glass down to consider what Omael had just said._

 _It turned out that Omael was the sailor type of drunk._

 _Funnily enough, Keith wasn't that surprised after a few minutes of hearing Omael curse and swear exactly like a sailor (Vincent had some very interesting stories concerning Costa del Sol)._

 _Considering how stressed Omael had been with Lucrecia being an absolute bitch and Hollander being an absolute pain in the butt, acting like he was in charge of the project and not Omael who had the better credentials of the two, he couldn't fault the scientist for wanting to let off some steam._

 _It actually was quite amusing to hear Omael spit out a curse between scientific formulas that Keith half understood. (Omael and Vincent had taken it upon themselves to educate him since Nibelheim's educational system was crap, it barely even existed)._

 _Vincent had returned to mulling over his glass of wine (Keith had dug that out from the cellars, that neither of them knew existed but Keith kept his lips shut on the matter) watching as Omael finished his fifth rant on why those 'bureaucratic pigs that wouldn't even know how to fornicate if it wasn't written into their DNA' were the absolute bane of his existence._

 _Vincent himself was getting quite lightheaded, the wine had to be at least a few decades old given the dusty state of the bottle, so he probably was a bit tipsy._

 _Keith had stuck to the hard liquor, saying that wine wasn't really his thing and insisted on Vincent drinking the lot._

 _However, he sort of regretted it later as it turned out Vincent was the weeping kind of drunk, soon finding himself with a lapful of crying Turk, bemoaning the death of his father and Lucrecia's betrayal (which had taken them a full week for Vincent to get over the witch)._

-o0o-

"You are a very whiny drunk."

"I honestly thought you would have been the crazy drunk, even when drunk you're still brooding."

" . . . Wine tends to make most people melancholy."

"That's why I don't drink it, I'd probably talk about my crappy childhood."

"Why did they think it was perfectly fine to leave a fifteen year old in charge of two drunk men?"

"Because they didn't want to deal with it themselves. I'm honestly surprised they let me drag you two out of the mansion."

-o0o-

 _"Hey Vince . . ."_

 _The man in question hiccupped before realizing that Keith was talking to him, lifting his head from where he had been burying his head into the teen's stomach (Keith was surprisingly a very good pillow), eyes red rimmed from tears but he was somehow still pretty alert._

 _"Ilfalna gave you that tattoo right?"_

 _The Cetra had been the first to find Vincent crying in a corner after Lucrecia had dumped him, immediately calling Keith who had talked to her enough for her to know that he was the best person besides Omael to deal with the weeping Turk._

 _"She did, why?"_

 _Honestly, it had been a bit surprising that the Cetra knew how to draw tattoos, but Vincent had been a little bit too intoxicated as he had gone through a good amount of vodka at the time to really question that fact._

 _"Feel like getting another tattoo? There's a lady in town, the only one that actually tolerates me, who does tattoos. Although she's kind of the town pariah, so I don't think she'd mind giving the 'outsiders' tattoos."_

 _"Yes! Let's do it!"_

 _It seemed that Omael was somewhat coherent again and the scientist propped himself up onto his elbows, a giggle escaping from his mouth was the only indication Keith needed to know his friend was completely and utterly drunk (but not drunk enough that he lost total motor functions)._

 _"I don't know, getting the first tattoo laid me out for three days . . ."_

 _"It doesn't have to be that big. Here, have another glass."_

 _Keith wanted a tattoo himself, but Mrs. Strife always told him no because he didn't have anyone to take care of him if he did get one. Omael and Vincent would never agree to let him get one while they were sober, and this was probably his only chance of getting them to agree._

 _It took about another three glasses of wine to get Vincent to agree, Omael downing a small shot of whiskey before staggering to his feet. Vincent still retained perfect motor functions (Turk training no doubt) and easily made his way down to the back door, Keith somehow lugging Omael down the stairs and they escaped into the chilly evening air, Omael shivering as he still wasn't used to the Nibel climate._

 _The normally short trek down to the village took longer than usual as Omael managed to stumble over every broken branch and stone along the way, and Vincent was persuaded to half drag Omael with another bottle of wine. (Keith had a whole bag full, it was to keep the two intoxicated enough that they wouldn't question his decisions._

 _And he was sort of light headed himself, having lost track of the number of glasses he had drunk in the past hour._

-o0o-

"If the Budget Department ever needs evidence why the Turks buying a ton of booze and drinking themselves into oblivion is a good training method, I'm pretty sure that this would be valid enough."

"Veld fought to keep that class, didn't he?"

"Yep, he sometimes invited me to them so that the trainees could get a variety of drinks to try and also a reminder of why you don't want to fight while drunk."

"There's always an influx of trainees with alcohol poisoning when those sessions start. Drives the infirmary mad."

"I always have to get new sheets ordered in round those times as well. Too much vomit to wash out."

"Perhaps I should see if the standards have dropped . . ."

-o0o-

 _"You want me to what?"_

 _Mrs. Strife looked both amused and worried, seeing Keith standing on her doorstep with one clearly intoxicated scientist, and a teary eyed Turk._

 _It was quite obvious they were celebrating some sort of occasion, seeing that Keith had introduced the two to one of Nibelheim's standard customs. She had lived in Nibelheim long enough to notice the signs._

 _Plus, Vincent was muttering "I'm a dad." over and over again under his breath with an euphoric expression on his face._

 _"Vincent's ex-girlfriend neglected to mention the kid was conceived while they were together, Omael's considering divorcing her as she's planning on running back to Midgar once she gets approved for transfer, and I'm just chaperoning them."_

 _"And they want tattoos as well?"_

 _That also happened to be another tradition, except the tattoos were done by those involved in the celebrations and usually tended to get infected because the country bumpkins didn't like to use the 'shiny new technology' and stuck to their crude methods._

 _Mrs. Strife happened to have a tattoo kit that she brought with her when she moved to Nibelheim, it being her inheritance from her father (who had a successful tattoo business in Costa del Sol before he retired)._

 _Keith was the only other person in the village that bothered to talk to her, seeing as he was also the town pariah but he blatantly flaunted it because he just liked to irritate the townsfolk. It also helped that they knew it was useless to retaliate as he was the only one who knew the mountains like the back of his hand, and they needed him to navigate the mountain paths in case they got snowed in during the winter._

 _Keith could have left years ago, but he quite enjoyed riling the townsfolk up as a way of vengeance against them for the first few horrendous years he experienced in the town. He just loved to one up people and to be honest, they kind of deserved it._

 _"I'm only doing this because I know you'll do this again, and I rather not put these two through the same bout of horrible hangovers they're going to experience tomorrow."_

 _Keith let out a little yell of triumph before Mrs. Strife let them inside, swallowing down a swig of whiskey as he knew he was going to need it later on._

 _Mrs. Strife reappeared shortly with the tattoo kit, Vincent had made himself quite comfortable on her couch and Omael was muttering his choices under his breath._

 _"Right, so which of you gents are going first?"_

-o0o-

"I still can't believe you chose that for a tattoo."

"I had to express my love for mayhem somehow. At least I'm not stuck with 'I'm a dad' on my shoulder."

"Only those who can understand the Cetra language knows what it means, and I only know three people who do. Besides, it's not like I'm wearing sleeveless shirts all the time so people can see it."

"You have 'Science + Chaos = Love' tattooed onto your spine Omael, you don't really have any room to talk."

"You were the only one sober enough to choose what you wanted though Keith."

"Ohoh! I was planning that tattoo for years! I would have chosen it even if I was stone cold drunk!"

" . . . . You were planning on having 'Queen Of Nibel Motherfuckers' tattooed across your shoulder blades?"

" . . . . . That's . . . quite a grudge."

"Eleven years worth."

" . . . . And I thought I had issues with my grudges."

"Why are you surprised Vince? You knew I was a spiteful little shit the moment you met me."

"It's kind of hard to remember when you're teaching a ten year old basic maths."

"You can't blame me for that. The first thing you learn in Nibelheim is don't piss off the dragons."

" . . . . . I'm sorry, but I distinctly recall that you went out of your way to find said dragons."

"Yep. Totally freaked the mayor out when I came back with a bunch of their scales."

" . . . ."

" . . . ."

"What?"

"I still have no idea how you even got those."

"I'm very persuasive?"

-o0o-

 _"Are you sure you'll be alright getting back to the mansion? I'm fairly sure you'll be alright Keith, but these two . . ."_

 _Mrs. Strife gestured to Omael and Vincent, the former being undeniably drunk and was in no way or form able to string together a coherent sentence, let alone walk back to the manor. The latter was staring upwards from where he was sprawled on the couch, most likely trying to find patterns in the knotted wood that made up the ceiling._

 _"We'll be fine, Vince is still somewhat sober." The Turk let out a smothered giggle, causing Mrs. Strife to raise an eyebrow, clearly unconvinced regarding the soberness of both adult men._

 _But, she had been paid and that was all that mattered._

 _It wasn't her fault that the two men had let a fifteen year old get them drunk and now their fate lay in Keith's hands. As long as Keith didn't get drunk himself, everything would be fine._

 _That's what she thought._

 _Little did she know that Keith would decide to drink at least half the contents of his bag on the way back to the mansion, and that was enough to tip the scales._

-o0o-

"I'm honestly surprised we even got back to the manor."

"Because I had to drag you along with the promise of more wine and Omael was drooling on your shoulder."

"How did Keith manage to talk you into hiking up the mountain to a dragons nest in the dead of night?"

" . .. . ."

"I said it would be good training, if he could make it up a mountain while intoxicated than he could navigate ruins or ships without a problem. Besides, the dragons like the smell of whiskey, it smells like their flames."

" . . . . Keith, do you mean to say, that you've been close enough to a dragon to smell its breath?"

"Yep, I had a pretty good relationship with the dragons, as long as they weren't the mako mutated dragons, they didn't mind me dropping by and saying hello. I thought I told you that?"

"Apparently not."

-o0o-

 _"What is originality?"_

 _Keith didn't how the thought came to mind, but now he was really questioning it._

 _"Something that no one else has done?" Vincent supplied, somewhat sobered up haven nearly fallen off a cliff on the way back down the mountain. The only reason why he wasn't a mutilated heap of broken limbs and bloodied ligaments at the bottom of a ravine was because Keith became weirdly hyper sensitive when on the verge of being drunk (he certainly had been at that point) and yanked the older man to safety._

 _After that scare, Vincent almost dragged Keith back down to the mansion and collapsed onto the closest available surface in the underground lab. (Omael had gone down there because his eyes hurt from the lighting, it was dimmer down in the lab)._

 _He still hadn't gotten up from the gothic chair Keith had unearthed from the storage when the SHINRA team first arrived five years ago, a pile of Materia that the two of them had filched from the Materia caves strewn over his lap._

 _No one needed to mention why Vincent's jacket was singed and smelt of brimstone._

 _"I know that, but really, what is originality these days?"_

 _It seemed that Keith got rather philosophical when drunk, and he continued to ask about the topic for the next half an hour, Omael pitching in as he loved discussing with Keith as the teenager had some rather interesting ideas. These talks usually went on for hours, and so Vincent soon fell asleep._

 _Unfortunately, falling asleep around a drunk mad scientist and a drunken Keith wasn't the brightest idea that Vincent had._

 _(Because a drunken Keith was in a whole 'nother category of its own.)_

-o0o-

"I regret leaving you two unsupervised."

"To be fair, that should have been quite obvious. You know what I'm like when I'm sober, but when I'm drunk . . . Things are going to get weird."

"How was I supposed to know you two would build a bunch of coffins and trap me inside one? How did you even come up with that idea?"

"Um . . . you were sitting in a gothic chair."

"And how did that lead to a coffin? Where did you even get the wood?"

"There was a lot of stuff in that storage unit, plus you did get all those vampire remarks from the lab techies."

"It's not my fault my genetics give me red eyes!"

"I wanted to try my hand at carpentry."

"Omael, that isn't an excuse."

"We did do a good job though. Very secure."

"You reinforced it with titanium."

" . . . . You never know when you need a titanium reinforced coffin in Nibelheim."

"I was stuck in there for five hours. FIVE. HOURS. What were you two even doing for five hours?"

" . . . ."

" . . . ."

"Why are you two staring at each other?"

"Um . . ."

"Trust me Vince, you don't want to know."

-o0o-

 _"Do you think we should let him out?"_

 _Keith glanced over to Omael, the scientist was currently elbow deep into the guts of a Death Claw, and the smell was starting to permeate the room. However, he was currently a third through the latest bottle of mead so the smell of freshly desiccated flesh wasn't bothering him all that much._

 _"Do you remember where we put the key?"_

 _" . . . . . . No?"_

 _Normally Omael would be quite concerned as to why a fifteen year old knew how to install and fix locks, but this was Keith and at this point he wouldn't be surprised at anything the kid could do, plus he was still hammered from earlier._

 _Although it didn't cause him any problems with a scalpel._

 _"We should probably get him out of there."_

 _Keith placed the now empty bottle onto the nearest surface and dug out a small tin from his bag, opening the case to reveal a great number of lock picks._

 _Yep, Omael wasn't surprised at all._

 _"I'm going to need a few minutes."_

-o0o-

"YOU LOST THE KEY?! WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!"

"Because you were pissed and you did pull your gun on us once we got you out. There was no chance to explain."

"You were both covered in monster guts, and I had a hangover. Of course I was going to pull my gun on you, what did you expect?"

" . . . . . So, you get very short tempered and snappish with a hangover?"

"I thought that would be quite clear."

"We haven't had a chance to get that smashed in twenty years, how do you expect us to remember what you're like with a hangover?"

"Isn't that why we're listening to these tapes?"

" . . . . Just . . . . let's keep going."

-o0o-

 _It was three AM by the time they got Vincent out, and it took half an hour for Keith to wrestle the gun out of Vincent's hand and persuade him to not shoot. Vincent wasn't happy, but he was appeased by the red cloak that Keith bribed him with. Especially once he heard it had special properties as Keith had been given it from one of the older dragons that hoarded many artifacts from the Cetra era._

 _And the smell of brimstone did calm him down somewhat._

 _"Vince . . . I'm sorry . . ."_

 _Vincent was pouting and had wrapped himself up in the cloak, still glaring with red rimmed eyes after he had been released from the coffin (as he had begun to panic ten minutes after he woke up trapped in said coffin)._

 _Normally Keith would have felt remorseful for making one of the few friends he had in Nibelheim cry, but this was perfect blackmail material and Vincent was acting like a half drowned kitten._

 _For a man whose job was assassination, espionage, all the illegal jobs that were kept under wraps, Vincent could be quite emotional._

 _"Look, I'll make you a hangover remedy and a hot chocolate. Does that sound nice?"_

 _Vincent sniffled, and gave a small nod, not noticing how Omael had set one of the few cameras that had been sent from Midgar a few months ago (he was going to shower Tuesti with gratitude when he got back for making such a device) to record Vincent in one of his rare moments of weakness._

 _"I'll be back in a few minutes. Omael, you might want to wash up because I'm sure you don't want another episode of your lab technicians screaming bloody murder when they found the remains of a Bomb splattered all over the walls."_

 _"I'm still wondering how in the name of Gaia you got that thing in here without it exploding first."_

 _Keith paused halfway through the doorway, it had been quite hard to get the monster down into the labs because he had overheard Omael wanting a specimen to study, but those monsters were tricky to kill, let alone capture alive._

 _"That, is a secret."_

 _And so he left Omael and Vincent down in the 'Coffin Room', so named because Keith had carved it into the door with a screwdriver (sloppily as he was doing it one handed while drinking yet another bottle of whiskey)._

 _He was still somewhat drunk, and this was the only time he was going to get this wasted with supervision._

 _However, he really should have known the only two adult men he trusted in this village would panic when he passed out shortly after giving them both their drinks._

 _He had finally reached his limit, and his teenage body had flicked the off switch._

-o0o-

"Man, I wish I had seen your faces."

"Keith, we were freaking out. You fainted. We almost didn't catch you. The floor was stone, and you could have gotten seriously injured. What if you weren't drinking with us? Someone could have taken advantage of you."

"The whole town, besides Mrs. Strife, hated me. I wouldn't be drinking with anyone else. Besides, you did sort of treat me like a little brother. It was nice to have some sort of family."

"Keith. . ."

"Plus, we had an unlimited amount of alcohol on hand. It would have gone to waste. No one goes up to the manor."

" . . . . That's, not really an excuse to drink as much as you want."

"Whelp, that's all the tapes. What have we learned here?"

" . . . . ."

" . . . . . "

"To . . . not drink to the point that we forget the next day?"

 _"To never drink with you unless you can hold your alcohol?"_ was the voice from the vent.

"Oh dear Gaia, Cloud, I told you not to crawl through the vents! They're rusted! I've been petitioning the President, and even Veld agreed with me, to replace them. But, I guess we can sort that out now."

 _"If they can hold my weight, then they can hold Cloud's. Besides, it was his idea to eavesdrop."_

 _"Nice, Seph, throw me under the bus why don't you…*quiet grumbling*"_

"I regret ever teaching you how to navigate those. Both of you, out of the vents or I will flood them. I have the Materia, and I will not care about you two whinging about your hair getting ruined!"

Both Vincent and Omael remained silent as they watched Keith tear the vent above his desk open with a water materia in hand, quietly listening as they heard the two troublemakers shriek as the first few handfuls of water began to dribble down into the ventilation system.

"Omael, please tell me your thinking the same thing I am?"

"That we get insanely stupid when drunk, and need supervision if Keith ever, which is most likely never going to happen but you never know, goes full black-out drunk?"

"Yes. But also that our little time traveler is a complete little shit. Despite the fact the he's supposed to be twice the age Seph is?"

"Well, how would you feel if you were a grown ass man in the body of a two year old? And had to grow up naturally?"

" . . . . I rather not try and imagine that."

"Omael, Vincent, you might want to go warn those two before I go and get them myself. Because I will merciless and chase them through the entire ventilation system if I have to. And I know every nook and cranny there is, seeing as I spent a week memorizing the damn thing."

"You get Cloud, I'll get Sephiroth?"

"Agreed. Spend some bonding time with your son."

 _"You're both my dad's, you know?"_

"I WILL CONFISCATE YOUR ENTIRE COLLECTION OF CHOCOLATE TOUCH ME'S IF YOU DO NOT GET OUT OF THERE NOW SEPH!"

As expected, Sephiroth began to wail in terror, and madness ensued in trying to get the crying General out of the ventilation system.

And as for the tapes, those were stored away for the future.

Keith had a bit too much fun retelling the story to the grandkids of the team, explaining how their favourite science driven grandfather and stoic vampiric uncle acted under the influence, and the origin of their tattoos.

Of course, the recording Cloud made in the vents would never come to light, until it was prudent to remind Omael of it when he tried to scold Seph for the Tramp-Stamp and tongue piercing the next time he cocked up in public.

To be fair, It HAD been Genesis that caused the said cock-up though.

-o0o-

 _A/N: And that, is 'The Nibel Ink-cedent'. I'm pretty sure Vincent and Omael have learned their lesson, and we got a little peek into Keith's childhood (still a pretty crappy one considering it was Nibelheim, I'm sure Cloud can relate)._

 _Next time on 'Problems With Sugar':_

 _ **It turns out Omael did more than just celebrate the other night . . . and someone else pays the consequences.**_

 _ **Although it was kind of their fault for drinking an unlabeled substance.**_

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_

I cannot believe he'd do something so ****ing stupid. He KNOWS he shouldn't be in there without Hojo... *incoherent grumbling*

*sees the problem in the Labs* Wha?...

*INCOHERENT SCREECHING AND WHEEZING LAUGHTER*

C-C-Chaos-Bal-ance sign-ing out *More Wheezing Laughter interspersed with coughing*


	5. Chp 5: The Results of Drunken Science

**The Results of Drunken Science**

 **It seemed that Omael was still capable of creating effective concoctions while drunk, however, due to a blunder . . .**

 **Someone else tested the concoction out for him.**

-o0o-

 _It veered slightly off course to the original idea, but it's still hilarious as heck I think._

 _Sorry it took so long for the next chapter, I had two essays to get done and I have dusted my hands of them. So this chapter was created all in one night, and my eyes have suffered for it._

Disclaimer: Neither I or ChaosBalance own the characters you recognize, but Keith is mine and I have dibs on my version of Omael, no one can take him from me!

-o0o-

It had been several weeks since the disastrous press conference, and Genesis had finally perked up from his zombie like haze ever since Keith had dragged him off to the basement (no one wanted to know what was down there to cause the man to screech like he had).

The tower was quiet for once, and everyone was relishing the first peaceful moment they had since President Shinra's death.

Cloud had successfully taken over SHINRA and was working with Rufus to sort out the moral ethics that needed serious re-adjusting now that Hollander was gone. Keith would have been helping in that regard, but he was too busy sorting out the remaining animals and monsters stuck in Hollanders lab.

Most of which had latched onto him the moment he stepped in, and the lab aides had to help him wrestle the lab subjects into a more manageable state before deciding which ones were safe to release and which ones needed to stay. Omael was more than happy to accommodate the ones that had already been tampered with, those of which had been perfectly calm once Keith had somehow communicated to them that Omael was a good scientist and not like the fat porpoise that had meddled with their DNA.

And if some of the ones due to be released ended up escaping and popped up in surprising places, then it wasn't his problem. The SOLDIER's and staff that found them became quickly attached and it wasn't unusual to see them around the tower riding on shoulders or trotting after their handlers.

Rufus ended up with a Guard Hound crossed with a Blood Taste (labelled Test 0), Keith having strolled into the middle of one of Cloud and Rufus' meetings, dumping the puppy in the blonde's lap and walking out without a word.

Cloud burst out into a laughing fit and Rufus just sat there dumbfounded while the dog (which he would later call Dark Nation) proceeded to maul his white suit jacket into shreds.

Rufus later on needed Keith to help him care for the pup but got the hang of it once he came to terms with the fact that the dog was going to ruin all his suits.

It was during this two week long clean up of Hollanders labs that a problem arose.

And it wasn't the fault of any official scientist this time.

Since Omael was regularly coming in and out of the labs, he wasn't always there to monitor his experiments, and as he was so busy rearranging things as he tried to salvage what he could from Hollander's cock-ups, he had no time to keep a close check on his newest interns.

This proved to be a monumental mistake, as some of the interns proved to be rather (read, really) lazy, when it came to following orders when not supervised.

It was one of the few rare mornings that Keith ended up staying at the tower overnight, that the whole building was woken up to an unholy screech.

It wouldn't have been surprising if it was an engineer (either due to frustration or a breakthrough in their projects), but the screeching came from someone who rarely screamed in terror.

Keith was actually rather startled when his office door was thrown open, not at all registering it slamming so hard into the wall that it became embedded into the plaster, leaping up from his couch that he had fallen asleep on, only to be tackled by a silver and black blur.

Vincent walked in to see Keith with an armful of his son, eyes blown wide as the normally stoic general was crying and mewling, and the janitor mouthing " _get-Omael_ " while trying to calm Sephiroth down.

Not an easy thing to do, when all he wanted was to keep staring at the _Cat Ears_ that had replaced Sephiroth's own.

If Keith wasn't so worried about his little brother's current state of mind, he would have found the situation rather amusing.

Vincent promptly zipped out and ran like Chaos had gotten loose and was on his heels to Omael's office, freaking his oldest friend out as he tried to explain the situation but couldn't find the right words.

"Sephiroth, crying, _Cat ears and a tail_!"

Omael stared at Vincent like the Turk was crazy, then to the empty vial in his hands . . .

 _And everything clicked._

-o0o-

Once Omael was caught up to date as Vincent managed to spit out a coherent sentence, they went to rescue Keith from Sephiroth's panic attack.

The blonde had somehow convinced Sephiroth to let go long enough to get them both situated more comfortably on the couch, the General curled up against Keith and sniffling while the janitor ran his fingers through Sephiroth's hair, murmuring how Omael was going to sort everything out, and that they would find out what had happened.

Normally Keith would have given Sephiroth chocolate to calm down, but he wasn't sure how it would react to Sephiroth's new condition. He didn't want to accidentally poison the younger man.

Keith being Keith, also had the foresight to call up Cloud and inform his other brother that Sephiroth wouldn't be able to work today, and he would probably have to steal both Omael and Vincent for the day to sort out a mishap.

Cloud had promptly informed Keith that he would be right down and that he was also taking a sick day, before mentioning that SOLDIER as a whole would be put into lockdown just in case, before hanging up.

Cronkle was giving Sephiroth a distraction, the purple lizard occasionally spitting out a tongue of fire that had the General mesmerized by the flames, allowing Keith to talk to Omael without Sephiroth breaking out into tears again.

From what he had gleaned from Sephiroth's wailing, he had gone to Omael's office to get some more energy drinks the previous night (because he couldn't be trusted to control his limit) and he woke up in this state this morning.

As Omael and Sephiroth had worked out a system to limit the amount he was allowed to drink per day, they had poured about four cans (because Sephiroth could handle more than a normal civilian) into a plastic bottle each, Sephiroth assumed the labelled bottles were fine. The system had been working for three months now.

Once they went over security footage (Reeve was a god and Keith promised to supply him with a good bottle of rum next time he went booze shopping), they found out one of the newer interns didn't know about the energy drink system that was meant for Sephiroth only and drank some. In their panic once they found out who the drinks were for, the idiot had thrown in the closest liquid they could find to make up for what they drank.

The closest liquid on hand being an innocent looking vial nearby that wasn't labelled.

Going back further into the files, it turned out that vial had been something Omael had whipped up the night he had gotten drunk with Vincent and Keith.

Well, now they knew the origins, but the solution . . .

They were in a pretty pickle.

-o0o-

The tests had come back conclusive that the energy drink hadn't actually compromised the mutagen Omael had cooked up.

In fact, once the bottle was allowed to sit for about half an hour, the mutagen actually floated to the top of the bottle.

Like the reaction between oil and water that everyone encountered in high school science.

The problem was, Omael didn't actually _know_ how he had created it, the only notes he had taken indicated that it wasn't supposed to be a permanent mutation, only a limited time effect.

The footage was a little sketchy and Reno would have to clean it up for Omael to see what he had used in the process. The red-haired Turk got onto that right away once the situation was explained to him, and Omael began to tackle the task of figuring out the recipe he had used.

This left them with a very distraught Sephiroth and a very amused Cloud (who had taken one look at Sephiroth and ran to the rooftop so he could laugh as loud as he wanted so the whole of Midgar could hear him).

The fact that Seph had been taken to the SOLDIER gym in floor 54 (where the whole of SOLDIER had congregated during the lockdown) notwithstanding, the SOLDIERs had all been ready to murder the intern when they found out how their lauded General had been put in such a state.

Genesis and Angeal were due to return tomorrow as they had a mission in Junon, and Keith decided to tell them about this 'little' issue once they were back and well rested.

Sephiroth refused to let Keith go home as he was still emotionally distraught and so the janitor had been dragged along and was forced to be Sephiroth's cuddle buddy for the night (once Keith made Sephiroth wear some pants at least).

He had a touch problem, specifically for skin hunger.

No one who is raised in a lab comes out perfectly normal, and this happened to be Sephiroth's issue.

Even if Keith had practically raised Sephiroth for the first three years of the General's life, he drew the line at platonic naked cuddling. He did make an effort though, foregoing a shirt so Sephiroth couldn't complain.

Cloud took pictures.

For the SOLDIER scrapbook though; if those pictures got out to the public, the fans would riot. There had already been one close call after the disastrous meeting and pictures of Sephiroth hauling Keith to the diner went viral. No one saw Keith's face, so it was fine, but he did not want to be the centre of public attention.

Cloud at least respected his wishes, and saved the pictures to a private (and Cait Sith encrypted) folder.

Genesis and Angeal were both confused when Sephiroth didn't meet them when they returned, and by the lockdown on the SOLDIERs, but Zack had practically ordered them to get some sleep then report to the 54th floor SOLDIER gym.

Keith's growling over the phone settled the issue, and they complied immediately.

-o0o-

Keith could count this as Sephiroth's first sleepover.

Not that he had any to call on for experience, and Cloud ended up sneaking in the morning to take pictures before fleeing through the air vents (ostensibly to collect Genesis and Angeal from their apartments, but Keith could still hear the snickers).

Keith was under no risk of catching the mutation, he wasn't even sure if it was able to be spread like a cold, but his slight enhancements were completely different from the SOLDIER's, and Gaia would burn before he let Sephiroth suffer like this on his own. Not that he didn't discount the effort the other SOLDIER's were making, he was actually quite glad that they supported their General this much.

Genesis promptly screeched "Kitty!" when he entered the room, and Angeal grabbed his oldest friend before he smothered Sephiroth. In his rush to grab Sephiroth, Genesis had completely forgotten that Keith was there, and thanked Angeal profusely from saving him from Keith's wrath. (He was still twitchy around Keith and judging from the glower on his face, Keith would have slammed him to the floor for bringing up Sephiroth's new feline appearance).

That didn't exactly endear him to Sephiroth any, as the screech had hurt Sephiroth's new (and highly sensitive) ears. Sephiroth had two more bottles of the energy drink and mutagen mixture however, so he had shaken one up and offered it to Genesis when the Red Commander finally calmed down.

Thankfully twenty hours later, Omael informed them all that the mutation only worked if ingested orally.

Omael's announcement came a little too late for Genesis though.

The thespian's scream the next morning alerted them all to his predicament, and the mutagen claimed another victim.

No one mentioned how Keith had to wrestle Genesis off Sephiroth once the crimson commander realised who gave him the mutagen.

Now they had another sulky kitty to deal with.

-o0o-

Omael had calculated that the dose Sephiroth had taken would wear off in another 48 hours, as Sephiroth had taken a double dose of the mixture. Genesis's dose would wear off about the same time.

Apparently Genesis hadn't wanted to leave out the third of the First-Class triad though.

Angeal soon joined in their suffering, having mutated shortly after having his morning glass of water.

However, Genesis hadn't accounted for Angeal's . . . distaste for felines.

Seems he forgot that incident with the Behemoth back in Banora.

Yet again, Keith had to stop the SOLDIER's from murdering each other, and banished Genesis to a corner while tending to the distraught Angeal. Zack was having a bit too much fun and snapped pictures, but eventually helped his mentor calm down, forcing Angeal into a hug and the stern First began to relax.

The ear scritches Zack gave were probably the reason for Angeal relaxing, but he still spat out a few death threats at Genesis (who may or may not have realised the error of his ways and/or remembered the Behemoth incident and thus stayed silent in the corner for a good two hours).

Sephiroth took this all in stride, a bit too happy to see others were suffering the same fate as him, but did apologise to Angeal for being a part of the reason why he had the new appendages. Keith asked Omael for an update on how the tower was handling the situation, and it seemed that Cloud had issued a small announcement that the SOLDIER's had a small infection and they did not want to risk it spreading to the public, and so they had pulled all SOLDIERs in Midgar off their missions.

They played it off as a mild case of a fever so it wouldn't cause public panic, and it seemed to have worked since there was no rioting yet.

Keith didn't mind being in lockdown with the SOLDIERs, as it allowed him to have a paid break and he knew his janitors would be able to function without him just fine. And if they did need his help, they could just call him via his phone (bless Reeve for his futuristic designs, he had a new phone with a video call app from the inventor and he swore he could kiss the bearded engineer).

Then Zack got it into his head to prove a point about how much stress the three First-Class Generals were under.

That was when the headache started.

-o0o-

Cloud was going to _kill_ Zack.

Why?

It turned out that Keith had a bag of catnip in his office and Zack apparently knew exactly where it was.

Keith claimed it was Cronkle's bag, as the lizard liked to set the stuff on fire and it did work well as incense for some weird reason.

After hearing Zack had gotten into it, Keith was in quite the murderous rage, but was more concerned about the three hyped and drugged up SOLDIERs that were running rampant around the tower.

The top twenty floors though, Vincent helped Reeve to seal the top of the tower off before the three made it down that far.

Genesis had apparently gotten it into his head that Cloud was a perfect target to chase after, his bird's nest of a hairstyle may have been a factor, and had apparently decided to strip before fixating on the poor Blonde.

Angeal had a much more calmer reaction to the catnip after spending an hour clawing at the walls, almost smothering Zack when he decided his student was the best thing to curl up against while staring wide eyed at the ceiling.

Sephiroth was in a similar state, although Keith was trying not to burst out into laughter while filming the General batting at his own hair and occasionally chasing his own tail.

It turned out that Cloud was faster than Genesis, having given the auburn haired man the run around for a good four hours before bursting back into the gym, where his pursuer promptly tripped and ended up colliding with the Silverette that had decided he wanted cuddles and a nap with Keith and had stripped off to that endeavour.

Keith let out an undignified screech when the two toppled over him, cursing to the high heavens before wriggling free and tossing a blanket over the stark naked pair. He soon began the wretched task of convincing them to wear pants, otherwise there would be no cuddling.

Unfortunately he forgot about the third in the triad.

Angeal had apparently felt left out and had stripped off himself, before launching at the wriggling blanket.

Cloud was eerily reminded of the nesting Nibel Dragons as Keith let out a sound that certainly wasn't human, the naked trinity bolting as their instincts screamed for them to flee from the 'apex-predator'.

Keith took a few minutes to calm himself down, Cloud still recording the whole thing, before coaxing the three back as he felt a bit ashamed at his outburst.

It was rather odd to watch the three slink back on all fours, but Keith merely rolled his eyes at Zack who was snickering at the whole ordeal.

The three soon forgot all about Keith when Cloud simply dragged a rather large mattress into the room five minutes later.

Keith didn't care as his throat hurt from the screeching.

Poor Gen ended up at the bottom of the pile with Angeal taking great pleasure in ensuring the redhead couldn't escape and, to no one's surprise, Seph had ended up on top of the whole thing.

About two minutes later, the only thing you could hear from the mattress was the sound of three sets of snoring.

For modesty's sake, Keith somehow managed to drape a blanket over them once he felt like moving, and left to stretch his legs out. Sephiroth had been a limpet so he hadn't been able to really move a lot during the whole ordeal.

All of this was caught on film, and Cloud could certainly say this was one of the best days so far as the new owner of the SHINRA company.

-o0o-

Angeal was promptly mortified when he saw the footage and apologised profusely to Keith once both the mutagen and the catnip had worn off.

Sephiroth hadn't been at all abashed, having stayed in the gym during the whole lockdown, but he had recently been notified that pictures of the triad in a cuddle pile on the mattress had been leaked to the fan clubs of said triad.

Censored of course.

The blanket hadn't been able to cover everything. It had barely covered the shrinking appendages as the mutagen had worn off.

He blamed Zack.

 _Little did he know Keith was the one who leaked it, feeling satisfied in his revenge as he had dealt with a wriggling naked three year old Sephiroth in the snow once before, but this time, there was no excuse for this behaviour._

 _Vincent and Omael would totally back him up._

Genesis had been told of his little run around by the 'Chickobo' (as SOLDIER had taken to calling their new President, unofficially) and had challenged Cloud to a race around the SOLDIER track. He lost in both speed and stamina courses, and the official code-name for the President had been changed to 'Gold Chocobo' as a result.

Omael was more interested in how Keith had made that unearthly shriek, but had no luck in getting the janitor to try and recreate the sound as Keith almost lost his voice for three days afterwards. He refused to use it again, but Vincent could certainly say it did sound like a nesting mother Nibel Dragon scaring off predators (from firsthand experience).

Cloud though, found it quite useful and often played the sound when he snuck up on Genesis, causing the thespian to find the tallest object nearest him and take refuge. It seemed the mutagen hadn't totally worn off yet, although given how Angeal has stated that Genesis had had that habit before taking the mutagen, it wasn't that likely.

The recorded sound still didn't have the same effect as the real thing though.

Proven as Keith's patience had been tested a few weeks after the whole mutagen incident, Zack and Genesis had pulled off a prank (rare as it was for the two to co-operate) and Keith lost his temper rather quickly, treating them to a repeat of the sound.

Genesis was scared enough to hide in the Malboro cage, dragging Zack with him.

Zack learned what was down there, and could certainly say he rather face the Malboro than an enraged Keith.

It didn't help that several SOLDIERs had requested the mutagen for use on downtime, with several more asking if the animal could be changed.

Keith hid all the catnip, just in case.

Omael ended up creating a new 'party-drug' that had zero side effects and could be customised to fit the tastes of even the more hardcore.

It got quite popular, although it wore off more quickly for the less-enhanced SOLDIER's.

However, all Hel broke loose when someone managed to slip the mutagen into the Turks' drinks.

It probably wouldn't have been a problem if they hadn't used the Chocobo-Style Zack had ordered as a gag gift for Cloud's birthday.

Keith, not wanting to deal with that nightmare, shut himself up in his office and slept all day.

Vincent spent the day with him, and they kept it a secret between the two of them that Keith had taken the Feline-Style version of the drug and spent the day sleeping on Vincent's lap.

He needed some pampering given the headache the tower caused him.

Cloud certainly thought he deserved the break (although that could have been the Dragon-Style he had been slipped by one of the Turks in apparent revenge talking).

No one knew how Omael managed to concoct a version of that and got to work, needless to say where he got the Bahamut ZERO sample from.

All fingers pointed to Keith, given his dragon screeching was a form of communication in some odd and unexplainable turn of events when someone summoned an enraged Phoenix for shits and giggles.

The summon spent the day perched on Keith's shoulders and the employees gave startled looks when Keith growled and grumbled in his throat, giving the occasional screech and the summon responded each and every time.

Cloud immediately demanded to learn the language, and it wasn't odd to hear the two making the inhuman sounds when passing the President's office.

One thing they learned from this whole ordeal, Nibelheimer's were weird and _NEVER_ to be crossed.

Or maybe it was just those two. Probably just those two (everyone hoped, then Tifa barged in demanding to know why Cloud had stopped answering his phone again).

Keith somehow wrangled Tifa into helping him control these little hellions that were the Firsts (they had gotten into the high of choice for their animal).

The whole of SHINRA shuddered when they realised there was another Nibelheim employee. Especially when they heard First-Class SOLDIERs complaining that they had bruises for _weeks_ after sparring with her.

The whole moral of the story was that SOLDIER certainly adored their General, and never to touch his energy drinks. Because it caused incidents like this to happen.

Also, to never let Omael drunk science again. Unless it gave a profit, then it was fine.

Finally, _BEWARE OF NIBELHEIM PEOPLE_. They were in a class of their own.

-o0o-

 _A.N: Yeah, that happened . . . It all started off with seeing my sister bury herself under some towels from the dryer, I imagined a Kitty!Seph doing the same thing, and it snowballed from there._

 _At the moment, I think we've run out of ideas for this series, but no doubt there will be more in the future because this is one that I thoroughly enjoyed writing._

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_


	6. Chp 6: Enforced Vacation

**Chapter 6: Enforced Vacation (aka; How to make a Workaholic have a mental breakdown)**

-o0o-

With a new management in place, Keith can finally get that new ventilation system into place.

Meanwhile Sephiroth is swamped in paperwork.

Both of these men need a vacation.

Even if it has to be forced upon them.

-o0o-

 _Well, it's been a good while since the last update . . . University got in the way._

 _So, this was a really cracky one that got inspired by an email conversation between me and ChaosBalance. And it got wacky._

 _So yep, it's a weird one like always._

Disclaimer: Neither I or ChaosBalance own any of the characters that you recognize from their respective franchises, though Keith is mine, I claim ownership of him.

 **Yeah, Lokir's internet went out, my internet went out AND I had a blackout on toop of it. When we could talk again, I made a crack about how we were a pair of workaholics that were forced to have a vacation, and someone followed it up with a joke asking what a vacation is.**

 **Do NOT ask about what happened after.**

-o0o-

It had started out as a normal day at the office.

Well, normal as it could be as Cloud had finally managed to rip out the remnants of the old system and the staff were still trying to get used to the new rules and regulations that had been put in place.

Sephiroth had a mountain of paperwork to go through, as the whole restructuring of the SOLDIER system had to be addressed.

As Director Deusericus was currently busy sorting out the Junon sector, that left poor Sephiroth in charge of the Midgar reconstruction.

Needless to say Sephiroth was swamped but the only reason he was still able to slog through the backwash of bureaucratic nonsense, and basic stupidity when it came to actually keeping records, was due to his inability to leave a task unfinished. It was a habit he had yet to break but it was an essential skill in this type of occupation.

Not to mention the embezzling they still had to sort out.

He was going to leave that to the Turks though. He was a complete menace when it came to budgeting, and not in a good way.

After the last incident, he had been banned from the budgeting department and Angeal was entrusted with sorting out the SOLDIER finances. It was really the only paperwork Angeal did, Genesis often got stuck with approving training measures and checking through requests for upgrades.

He was probably 50% done with the backwash of paperwork from the system revamp, and he could feel his mind slowly dying with each file he clicked on.

The only reason he was still going was because most of the paperwork was electronic, if it was all printed paperwork then he would have thrown it all out the window regardless of the fact he was wasting resources.

Apparently he wasn't the only one suffering though.

Keith had finally been approved to tear out the old ventilation system to replace it with a brand new one, and he was also going to map it all out at the same time so no one had to crawl through eight floors of foul smelling stench to find out what was blocking the fresh airflow. The technician had a mental breakdown when they found out they hadn't had to crawl all that way down when there was a perfectly good opening ten metres away from the blockage.

So yes, he was going to map it out because they did not want to face the same legal battle that occurred after the incident, although he was glad the technician won a pretty good care package for the trauma he received.

However, there was an issue.

A blockage had been found about two floors down from Hollander's old lab, and no one wanted to know what was down there. Since Keith was the only janitor who could really go in there and not get immediately mauled to death if it was a subject, and he was the only one desensitized enough to smells that it didn't bother him (if you live in Nibelheim long enough, even the most foul smelling swamp wouldn't really bother you), that meant he had to deal with it.

When Keith discovered the blockage, he nearly screamed, but so would anyone discovering a nest of Tonberries where a nest of Tonberries really shouldn't be.

"OH MY GAIA, TONY, YOU HAD CHILDREN?!"

It turned out the Tonberries weren't the offspring of their resident stew expert, but a feral batch that Hollander had managed to sneak into the building (no one knew how or when he did it).

Luckily, Tony had taken to training with the SOLDIERs on his off days and had managed to corral the younger Tonberries into his tribe. The older Tonberries were something of a major problem as they took off into the vent system.

It took Keith half an hour to wrangle the baby Tonberries out with Tony's help, but the damage had already been done.

They had an infestation of Tonberries in the vents, the only bright side to this situation was that they were unarmed. If they had knives, then they probably would have to put the whole building on lockdown.

But as they were older Tonberries, that meant Keith couldn't really deal with the issue on his own, and so had to leave it up to the SOLDIER's, and a few keen Turks who hadn't had their ventilation system training (that class had been put into effect after Reno spent a good two days hiding in the vents and refused to come out, Keith was out of Midgar at the time, and so they made the class mandatory in case such an event occurred without him being there again).

This left Keith with very little to do, as he had completed all his work in order to have the time to work on installing the new ventilation system.

A scream of frustration echoed through the building.

One that Sephiroth would later on copy when devastation struck hours later.

-o0o-

Sephiroth was diligently working on the forms to house the newer Cadets that the company was starting to take in when he noticed something odd.

Several forms he had submitted had been returned with errors, ranging from his signature being missing to the numerals of the housing being off or missing.

Frowning, he opened the forms and couldn't help slapping a hand over his eyes, hoping that what he had seen was a hallucination from boredom.

However, on the second glance, what he had seen was the truth.

Something was wrong with his computer.

It had to be.

Opening up a new document, he typed in a few words.

A twitch began to develop in his eye when he saw a completely different and jumbled sentence appear on the page, and he picked up his office phone in order to ask for a computer technician to come up and see what in Minerva's name was wrong with his computer, when something else occurred.

His computer monitor lit up with the blue screen of death.

And the poor computer died.

No one could blame him for screaming in outrage.

Four hours of work was completely gone.

GONE. VANISHED. VAPORISED.

. . . .

He needed a chocolate break.

-o0o-

Keith wasn't surprised to find Sephiroth raiding the vending machines, that scream ten minutes ago was one he was quite familiar with, having sat through several of baby Sephiroth's screaming tantrums.

"So, what's your problem? I can't work on the vents, and have nothing else on my docket."

Sephiroth gave him a blank stare, one that spelt of anguish and pure, utter despair.

"Computer died. Four hours of paperwork; gone. And I can't use any other computer because they're not secure enough."

Keith couldn't help the pained hiss he let out, he knew the pain of losing a computer, it happened to him during his first year on the job. It had been hell to find one that fit his security level, which wasn't much because he was only a minor janitor at the time.

Given Sephiroth's position, there wouldn't be one that fit his security level that wasn't custom made, and now Sephiroth had no work to do.

"You've got no work to do?"

Sephiroth queried as he noted how Keith was drinking hot chocolate, a leisure drink when he was off hours.

"Finished it all up to work on the vents. And my minions have forbidden me from doing anything else because they think I'm overworked. I sort of flipped a table in anger and they deemed me unfit to work. To be fair, I was pissed about having to delay the ventilation revamp. I was so looking forward to fresh air in the building."

Ah, yes, that would have lead Keith to causing physical damage, he knew all too well how much Keith wanted to get a new vent system in. It had been a four year debate between Keith and the President. It had also been the first thing Cloud had had approved when he took over the building. The only reason why the coward of a President hadn't bent on the issue was because it would put the building out of commission for a good few days while the new system was installed, and they couldn't afford to shut the building down for that long. Cloud had worked around that little issue by having the ventilation system renewed floor by floor, which meant that the floors being worked on were the only ones out of commission while the work was being done.

"And what's caused the delay?"

Sephiroth had been so focused on his paperwork that he hadn't heard the screeching and general mayhem occurring in the building over the past few hours.

"A Feral Tonberry tribe. Hollander strikes back from the grave, it seems."

Sephiroth choked on the bar of chocolate in his mouth, coughing harshly to clear his throat while staring at Keith in absolute shock.

"Tony has the babies and the younger ones following him as the Tribal Elder, but the older ones are completely fucked up in the head and several have signs of Hollander's tampering. They're infesting the vent system and SOLDIER is the only way to get 'em out."

Keith sighed and drained his cup, really, Hollander was a pain even in death.

"So . . . now we've both got nothing to do."

Sephiroth nodded in agreement, two workaholic's with no work to complete.

OH HOLY MINERVA THEY WERE GOING TO GO INSANE.

-o0o-

"Hey."

Cloud walked over to the two despairing workaholics, and offered a bottle.

"I owe Keith this; from the time he got me that boost for the Desk, and the renovation plans for the public floors."

Keith eyed the bottle warily, but took it anyway. He would figure out what it was later.

"Is there anything we can do to keep ourselves occupied? I've already freaked out a couple of people and my staff aren't letting me do any work. Sephiroth's computer's busted so he can't get into the system."

"That's why I gave you a bottle of my homebrew. It's the only thing I drink when I want outta my tree. Stronger than SOLDIER Sinker powder; Tifa calls it Mako-Breaker Moonshine. Vincent always begs a few bottles off of me when he has nothing to do."

Both Keith and Sephiroth shared a look, then stared at the bottle with keen interest.

Sephiroth had only gone drinking with Keith once before, and after hearing those tapes, he was interested to see what a drunk Keith might look like.

Apparently Keith was on the same wave length, scowling at the younger man before placing the bottle to the side.

"No, we are not drinking in Midgar. The last time I let you get drunk, the Turks had to do overtime to stop those pictures from hitting the internet."

That had been a very busy week.

"So we can't get drunk in Midgar." Sephiroth concluded, looking way too serious for someone deciding how to get drunk.

"What deduction skills!"

And there was Keith's sarcasm slipping out, one of the many signs that he was losing his marbles.

"How about a vacation?"

Both men turned to the grinning blonde, eyebrows furrowed and pure genuine confusion on their faces.

"What's a vacation?"

Panic flickered across Cloud's face and he immediately pulled out his phone.

"I've got an emergency. Keith and Sephiroth have no idea what a vacation is."

Both of them should have really seen that as the sign to get the hell out of the building, something that they would regret two days later when they were dropped off on the sandy shores of Costa del Sol.

And began to freak right the fuck out when they realised they were stuck here for an undetermined amount of time.

-o0o-

The only great thing about working for Shinra, was not having to pay for accommodation.

SHINRA for some odd and unexplainable reason, had a mansion in Costa del Sol. Keith could understand having one in Nibelheim as the only hotel was the town inn and it didn't have the best facilities, but there really was no need to have one in a coastal town with a ton of hotels.

Sephiroth and Keith had both been dumped at the mansion with their bags (Cloud made sure that they didn't sneak any work related items in) and were told to have fun.

He also left them a crate of that 'Mako-Breaker Moonshine' but that was neither here nor there.

The first day they spent skulking inside, still trying to process the fact that neither of them had any work to do, or any idea of what to do for fun.

Fun for Keith was terrorising Hollander (who was now dead) and making sure that the SHINRA (now Ultima) building was working like a well oiled machine. Sephiroth's idea for fun, was training. Or killing monsters on missions.

And Costa del Sol had none of these things.

Eventually they both came to the realisation that staying inside the whole two weeks that they had been 'graciously gifted' by Cloud, wasn't going to get them anywhere. Besides, the mansion hadn't been used in months and they needed to restock the pantry with edible food.

As a precaution, Sephiroth bundled his hair up under a cap and they located the nearest grocery store.

They then proceeded to scare the utter crap out of the customers, who watched two rather intimidating men scour the shelves for items like they were on a mission that was of the utmost importance.

It didn't help that Keith was trying to keep Sephiroth's sugar intake down to a certain degree, otherwise he knew the younger man would try to buy the entire confectionary aisle. And he probably could considering the amount of Gil just sitting unused in his bank account.

They left the store with several bags, as they rather not have to take multiple trips for food during their 'vacation', leaving a speechless crowd of terrified customers and store clerks who had not a single clue about what had just occurred.

Keith may or may have not glared the store manager into submission when the man came out to figure out what the trouble was.

Unfortunately, they forgot how much food they could go through and somehow managed to deplete their stock by a third after binge watching a few movie series that Reno and Zack shoved at them once they had been informed of the situation.

They both woke up in the morning in a tangle of blankets, the menu of some random horror movie looping on the tv screen, and a bunch of empty or open packets strewn across the floor. Keith didn't want to ask why there was a bag of unpopped popcorn upended into the fruit bowl.

The mansion did have camera's, but they were too lazy to go and break into the security room to go find out what happened the night before. They would go look eventually.

 _Unfortunately, that 'eventually' would be twelve days later, after they woke up with no recollection of the week before._

-o0o-

It took a week before they really started to loosen up, Keith spent an hour convincing Sephiroth to go to the beach, and even then he had to find a secluded area that only someone with mako enhancements could even access.

It was day three of the second week when Sephiroth seriously began to get into the swing of things.

The crate of questionable alcohol had been tempting the silver haired man for a few hours while Keith had momentarily left the mansion to go get some more root beer (apparently Costa del Sol had a bountiful supply of the drink) and Sephiroth had been staring at the crate ever since.

Sephiroth had only been blackout drunk once in his lifetime (thus far) and, considering Zack's advice on the stuff (it literally gets used in _airship engines_ to _unclog them_ Seph, don't drink it alone, better yet, just don't drink it), he was sure that this stuff could get him plastered.

It took three hours of staring at the crate, before Sephiroth literally said "Fuck it." out loud, and cracked the crate open.

Keith was just in time to see him take the first swig, and practically screeched like a banshee before swiping the bottle from his hands.

"I leave for three hours, three hours! And you decide to drink unsupervised!"

There (unfortunately) was a regulation among SOLDIER's that any mako enhanced individual must have supervision when drinking, as there had been a quite violent and embarrassing incident in Junon where a 2nd Class SOLDIER got so drunk that he tore through the clothing district and proceeded to give horrendous fashion advice to anyone who would listen.

He somehow scored a bunch of highly priced and branded items just so the staff could boot him out, and SHINRA had to pick up the tab. Needless to say, rules on drinking were slapped down as fast as possible.

Sephiroth was certainly well aware of that rule, as he had been the one to suggest it in the first place.

"I drink can responsibly."

Keith merely raised an eyebrow and gestured to the bottles that had been placed meticulously on the floor in a rather obvious order and all were in reaching distance of the couch Sephiroth had chosen to plonk himself down on.

"Right . . ." Keith lifted the bottle up and took a small sniff, his face blanching as he recalled _Cid Highwind_ pouring the stuff into a clogged up Airship engine filter.

But given how Cloud had insisted on them having some time off to relax . . .

"Oh, who gives a fuck. Bottoms up."

He placed the bottle against his lips and took a long swig.

His throat burned as the liquid fire went down, and he could hear Sephiroth giggling over his coughing fit, but he was a bit more concerned about how his eyesight was getting a bit foggy.

Shrugging, he took another pull . . .

And that's where his memory stopped.

-o0o-

"Holy . . . . . what in Ifrit's balls went on here? Zack, any ideas?"

Keith would have replied to the question, but his brain was throbbing like he had tackled a Zolom head on, so he chose to just swear at whoever was trying to prolong his misery.

"I think . . . they drank the whole crate, Cloud."

"That was enough to last them for a month. I expected them to drink like half the crate."

"I think they went through it in four days."

Sephiroth let out a pitiful moan from where he was curled up on the other end of the couch, his feet painfully digging into Keith's ribs, but neither of them wanted to move.

"Ohhhh . . . how soon can we get those pictures?"

 **PICTURES?**

Both Keith and Sephiroth shot up from the couch at the mention of the word, soon regretting it as the few parts of their brains that hadn't been clogged with the buzz of adrenaline and leftover dregs of booze, protested violently at the sudden movement.

Keith made a strangled gurgle in the back of his throat, collapsing back onto the couch only to wheeze as Sephiroth chose to land on him, his nose smushed painfully into Keith's shoulder and trapping an arm under his wider torso.

However, he wasn't too hungover that he would miss the sound of a camera shutter, his free arm seizing a small cushion and hurling it in the direction of the sound.

There was a small shriek as the cushion made contact, judging by the voice it was Zack.

"Send me that, or else."

Zack made a whimper of agreement, and soon he found Cloud hovering over the back of the couch, a bright grin on his face that made Keith slap a hand over his aching eyes.

Sephiroth was already fast asleep and possibly drooling into Keith's shirt.

"So, how bad is the damage?"

Unfortunately, he had no time to be hungover anymore and he was already becoming sober far too quickly for his enjoyment. The curse of growing up in Nibelheim; the buzz didn't last that long.

"Well . . . how long do you think permanent dye takes to grow out if the hair is several feet long?"

Keith blinked in confusion, only now spotting the random streaks of silver among the rainbow locks, and immediately tried to not snicker at imagining how Sephiroth would react to his new look.

"Oh no . . . Sephiroth's hair colour is unique and there's no way we can dye it back to normal. I think we'll have to keep him supplied with alcohol so he doesn't notice."

"Yeah . . . that's a problem. You drank the entire batch, and I can't make more until I master several more Power Down Materia. And it's the only thing that can get the Silver General here drunk fast enough for him to not notice the rainbow locks he's got now."

The two blue eyed blondes looked at each other, and back down to the obliviously snoring man (yes, Sephiroth snores but only around those he's comfortable with, the soft adorable kind of snoring).

Well . . . this was a dilemma.

-o0o-

"I can't believe I got a Rainbow Pride dye while drunk. I was planning on doing it temporary for the Parade in Junon next month, in support of Second-Class's Hendricks and Persimmon, but now that plan's ruined."

"Hmmm, well maybe take the month off? Or say it's for the Parade to have the increased Hype?"

" . . . I don't know which is worse."

"Oh Gods above, you're still a workaholic despite all of the drinking you did."

"Cloud, this is Sephiroth we're talking about. He must have some sort of workaholic genes in his DNA, look at Vincent for instance. He was a total stick in the mud, and it took me three months and a good bottle of vodka to get him to lighten up. Do you know how hard it is for a ten year old to obtain that sort of drink in Nibelheim, since it's made in Rocket Town? I was going to go crazy if I had to be around some uptight, cranky red eyed Turk for several years."

"That doesn't explain your workaholic tendencies Keith."

"True. You can't really talk yourself you know? I've seen you when you don't have work to do. It's terrifying."

"I had to get from somewhere, and Vincent 'n' Omael were the only adults I trusted bar Ma Strife. Besides, if I wasn't doing something that meant the locals would try something."

"How did this talk get to crappy childhoods?"

"I dunno."

"You sure you want to go there? Remember, I was a two-year-old that ended up remembering six years plus of torture."

 **"** **WHAT?"**

"Um, Cloud, Sephiroth doesn't know about your situation . . ."

"Oh shit. Do you have a Confuse?"

"Here."

Sephiroth ended up conked out for the rest of the plane ride back to Midgar and had no recollection of the conversation. He was, though, talked into taking a month off to hide his new hairdo.

-o0o-

The Turks somehow managed to obtain a copy of Keith and Sephiroth's crazy antics while flat out plastered, and thus took it as a challenge.

Many of them ended up in the infirmary from alcohol poisoning, and Keith was dragged up to the Turks office to get it into their heads that it was not an issue of challenge, stop killing your livers and for the love of all things sacred, he wasn't going to join the Turks, he's perfectly happy with being the janitor and Quest-Desk relief.

And they still had to get the Tonberry colony out of the vents. Turned out that they weren't able to get all of the Tonberries out during his absence and no progress on the new ventilation system had been able to be made.

In conclusion, Sephiroth and Keith had a rather productive vacation.

They also learned that putting the two of them together while being blackout drunk, was not the wisest decision unless someone could corral them.

Although the new pictures Keith got for his scrapbook was nice.

-o0o-

 _A/N: Yep, another wacky chapter. I was quite busy with a group project and an essay so I didn't exactly have time to get any writing done, first group project and as a self - claimed introvert, I panicked. But we got a good grade, so I am happy with the outcome!_

 _I hope you enjoyed this cracky chapter, there is sure to be more to come!_

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_

 **There sure is, since we are currently working on the next one. ChaosBalance signing out!**


	7. Chp 7: Zack's Curse

**Chapter 7: Zack's Curse**

-o0o-

 _Zack has a very interesting . . . relationship with electronics . . ._

 _-o0o-_

 _Well, sorry for the long gap between this chapter and the last, I had exams, and then real life threw stuff at me that I had to deal with. Currently enjoying the week with the sister and many ideas have been spawned, so once the week is over, I'm probably going to throw myself into writing depending if life decides not to be a douche again._

Disclaimer: I own none of these character, besides Keith, FFVII belongs to it's respective owners.

 **Don't blame me for this one, Lokir is the one in charge of uploading. Lokir writes a good 90-95% of this stuff anyway.**

-o0o-

Zack has a curse.

Well, at least he thinks he does, and other people who know him seem to agree.

You see, he has a 'gift' with electronics.

He is a whiz kid with gaming consoles, any electronics involving gaming he was a pro with using and fixing, but give him any other sort of electronic device?

Zack was sure to break it in some way, shape or form. Most of the time he didn't even know how, as he followed the instructions for using it exactly.

Now he currently had a new work-issued phone (and the tech department were currently praying to the gods that this one didn't meet the same demise as many other of its brethren) and just like clockwork, he had . . .

Broken it.

Since this was the, let's say . . . . twenty-fifth, phone he had broken (he lost count after the first ten), he had a problem. The tech department were so fed up with his contradicting nature with electronic devices, that they had issued him with a warning regarding the currently expired phone in his possession.

If he broke this phone, which he had, they would have to start up a budget dedicated to the electronics that had died under his care. And if one had a budget that was made for one individual employee, it was basically drawing a target on one's back.

But right now, he was having a small mental breakdown as he tried to figure out how to escape his current situation.

Keith was well aware of the deal he made with the tech department, heck he was even there to mediate in case Zack somehow destroyed some device in the meeting accidentally (how Zack had killed his toaster by _looking at it_ while holding a piece of bread, he had _no idea)_. So getting help from Keith was a no go.

Angeal would most likely immediately inform the tech department about the dead phone, meaning that option was out.

Genesis was still pissed at him because of the prank he had pulled, which Genesis got caught in the crossfire from.

He wasn't even going to try with Sephiroth.

Meaning that Zack had very limited options available to him.

Cloud had suggested once that Zack should just buy himself a phone, and then get that number registered with the company (added bonus, he could simply transfer the chip to a new phone and be done with it).

Maybe Cloud had been onto something . . .

But where was the closest phone shop?

-o0o-

"Zack, it ain't that bad. The socket was mis-labelled with the voltage. It ain't your fault the thing got fried."

"Try telling THEM that. It's never my fault, I can attest to multiple occassions where the destruction was outside of my control, but the Tech crew deemed me cursed and blamed me for it anyway."

"Right, I forgot how vicious the tech department can get when it comes to repairs . . . Besides I can show you a few things. I'm currently trying to help out beta-test the new stuff Ultima wants to put out, and you'd be a good test. If you can't break it, or it breaks in one of the accidents that seem to always happen around you, then no-one should be able too."

The first time he broke something, the tech department (who were proud of always being able to repair a device) were unable to bring the phone he had utterly murdered back to life, and so they deemed him as an enemy to all electronics. It didn't help that he fixed up a gaming rig faster than they could, and he sort of became an arch nemesis for them.

"You sure about this, Cloud? They'll probably know it's not the same one they gave me…"

"Sure, I'm sure. Besides, they can't create a budget for you if you don't go through them for the gear. Anyway, I've got an idea on how to help you keep your phone alive for more than three weeks at a time."

"Really? How?"

"Have you ever heard of Mobile Games?"

Well . . . perhaps he had found a loophole to this curse.

He still had to get a new phone though.

-o0o-

It turned out that the tech department were quite well aware of him killing the phone (they apparently had planted a chip in it that allowed them to know if the phone was alive and if it stopped transmitting then it was dead), but once they noticed his current phone that he had bought with his own salary had lasted for more than a week, they inquired how this was possible.

Naturally, Zack wasn't about to tell the department that had made his life absolute Hel anything about the new tech he had.

Besides, these dungeon runners were really fun, and that monster collecting game had really helped out with his monster hunts. The guy that had made it had included little titbits about the monsters that could be applied in real life, Zack had been surprised to learn how to tame a Kalm Fang pack and now had one that followed him around whenever he was in that region (it helped that he had taught them how to guard the Chocobo Farm, so they weren't put back on the kill list).

Eventually the tech department turned to Keith who was also interested in how a phone under Zack's ownership had survived the trial period, but the janitor had also been pissed at the tech department for stressing Zack out so much for something that he really couldn't control.

So Keith had approached him and Cloud, knowing that the fellow Nibelheimer had something to do with this, and they explained the loophole over coffee. Well, coffee for Cloud, Zack stuck to a can of soda and Keith had a root beer.

Once hearing about the loophole, Keith had laughed for several minutes until his stomach was achingly sore, but he could see the benefits to having the games on ones phone.

And of course he asked ***cough* demanded *cough*** to have the same games on his own phone as he had learnt from the disaster that had been his vacation with Sephiroth (but really it had been a blast and neither man had realised how much pent up stress they had until they reviewed the security footage, found the pictures and videos on the internet of their drunken shenanigans, it was weird to watch themselves grumbling about their workload over drinks getting into all sorts of trouble), that he really needed something other than work to occupy his time.

Needless to say he sort of freaked some employees out when they walked into a break room to find him lounging on a couch, aggressively pressing the buttons on his phone and hissing curses from his clenched teeth, Cronkle sitting peacefully in his lap and occasionally licking Keith's arm as if soothing him.

One had even suggested getting his phone looked at by the tech department if it was causing him so much trouble.

Imagine everyone's shock when Keith had replied that he'd rather take said phone to ZACK of all people.

And proceeded to howl in laughter at their dumbfounded expressions.

Eventually Reno caught onto the game functions on Keith's phone and begged Cloud to get the same on his phone (which had been recently updated and Cloud rather have his Turks with better communications after one incident of getting stranded without a signal due to crappy tech).

Over the next few weeks, Cloud began to distribute the new phones as Reeve certainly needed his genius to be recognized, and he rather have more expenses than losing men due to outdated communication devices. Explaining to a widow how their husband could have been easily found if they had just given updated tech that they had access to but because he didn't want to increase the company expenses, her husband was a casualty?

Cloud didn't really want to deal with that.

Eventually it got to point that everyone besides those idiots in the tech department (seriously, even President Shinra had been pondering the thought of laying that department off) knew about the mobile phone games, and it was driving the techies nuts because they couldn't understand why everyone was so fascinated with these new phones (they had refused to use them as they had their own pride in their clearly outdated products).

And so they got desperate and went to the source off all this madness.

They went to Zack, for advice on the new phone.

Zack took a few minutes to process the fact that the tech department were asking him for help and had a laughing fit that lasted a good ten minutes before refusing and fleeing to find Cloud to describe what had just happened.

It was only when the whole tech department decided to boycott work did Cloud finally get involved and explain the situation, leading to a rather embarrassed department who finally began to get used to the new and improved phones, working in tandem with Reeve who merged the department into his own Urban Development, and the new Innovative Designs and Communication Support Department soon began to flourish.

Maybe Zack did have a curse, but if it gave an outcome like this . . .

Perhaps it wasn't all that bad.

-o0o-

 _A/N: This was spawned due to a technical incident my brother had and so somehow it came up with Zack being a menace with technology._

 _Well, I've got to get lunch so this is a brief author's note. So hope you enjoyed, see you in the next chapter!_

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_

 **ChaosBalance signing out!**


	8. Chp 8: Zombie SOLDIERs

**Zombie SOLDIER's**

-o0o-

Some people sleep like logs.

 _Some people_ sleep like the dead.

A certain Turk takes advantage of an opportunity to play a prank.

 **It soon quickly gets out of hand.**

-o0o-

 _Heyo! Another chapter! I actually don't have much to say in this author's note, it's getting late here, so this note's short._

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this fic besides Keith, and Omael is a tweaked Hojo because he was required. Everything else belongs to their respective owners.

 **Late? Weren't we... *muffled thumps and incorherent hissing* MMMMPH!**

-o0o-

It was a little known fact by few that Angeal was a very deep sleeper.

Before Zack came along, nothing could wake Angeal up if he was asleep, not even blaring alarms. Which was quite surprising given how enhanced a First Class SOLDIER's hearing could get.

Genesis was an apt example, he once heard a Capparwire crawling through grass despite the strong gales and rain on the Junon Plains during monsoon season, when they returned from a mission later than scheduled to avoid any incoming storms.

Angeal was like a rock when he slept, but he maintained a regular schedule so that he was up at the appropriate times for work.

Once Zack became his student, his colleagues and fellow co-workers finally found a way to wake Angeal up.

Somehow, during the first few weeks of the mentorship, Angeal came to the realisation that Zack was like a puppy.

A very curious puppy.

He stuck his nose into anything that came his way, often almost causing grievous bodily harm (no one dared to let Zack around Mastered Materia ever again) and minor destruction of company property.

It was due to these few weeks that Angeal developed a very curious and baffling 'sense' of when Zack was about to cause trouble.

Omael believed it was due to a lab trainee accidentally mixing up Zack and Angeal's mako injections (Zack's injections happened to be specialized to him as he was quite . . . hyperactive after the regular shots so it had to be diluted for him, not to mention tweaked to his DNA).

Angeal had returned from a very stressful and exhausting mission, having to deal with a Zolom in the Swamps with Sephiroth and Genesis for backup, and had crashed on the couch in the First Class' office. A mere ten minutes later, he had sprung up from the couch and dashed out the door. Sephiroth and Genesis were later informed that Zack had tried to get past the security lock that ensured he did not try any level above 20 in the Virtual Reality training simulators. He had almost gotten past the lock with the help of a certain red haired Turk, but Angeal had arrived and dragged them both out before they started level 35 up.

That was the first time they realised that Zack either causing trouble or being in trouble woke Angeal up, even if he was trying to sleep after being sleep deprived for four days due to some of the Weapon's Development's machines running rabid after a mis-coded instruction. The robots had to be destroyed and Angeal was very efficient with disposing of them.

The company were very quick to pick up on this development and often sent Reno or another Turk to help Zack get into 'minor' trouble if they urgently needed Angeal awake.

So far it hadn't failed.

Although this sort of became a problem if Zack was not in Midgar due to missions.

-o0o-

It was a rare sight to find Angeal on his own these days since Zack had been promoted to First Class, which meant the Puppy could access all the same things as his ex-mentor could.

Not to mention he was dead asleep in a very public break room.

If Reno recalled, Angeal had just returned from a mission in the vicinity of the Icicle Inn. Unfortunately; there had been a snowstorm that hampered the mission's progress. The mission in question couldn't be postponed, as it would take weeks for a storm to blow over in the area, and the poor sods who got assigned the mission had to continue despite the chilling winds and mounds of snow.

Cloud had been generous enough to allow whoever had been on the mission a week's paid vacation, and they had been very grateful about it (they had fled to Costa del Sol to get as much sun as they could), but Angeal would rather take care of his plants. He had a small garden that somehow managed to thrive despite the destitute environment they grew in (Cloud often suspected that the burly First had some diluted Cetra blood in him; he had all the hallmarks).

Zack was out of the city to help pick up some materials for the new ventilation system as they needed more manpower (the moment Keith and Sephiroth had returned to Midgar, the janitor had thrown himself into the project), so there wasn't much that they could do but let Angeal sleep until he got up himself.

But since Angeal's sleeping habits weren't exactly a fact that was broadcast around the company, and the only few that knew about it were unavailable or Turks, meant that the sleeping First could end up causing quite a stir in public places.

Which also meant that Reno had stumbled across a golden opportunity.

To be fair; Rude shouldn't have let him run off on his own for his lunch break.

-o0o-

It was a well known fact that if one shouted in the building, a good 60% of the SOLDIER's in the Tower would hear it.

So it was quite reasonable when a shrill scream echoed through the halls, a good majority of the SOLDIER's were clapping their hands over their ears and cringing from the high pitch.

The source was a terrified secretary, who had wandered into the break room to refill her coffee and reheat her takeaway lunch, spotting a well known SOLDIER First face-down on the floor in a spreading pool of blood.

Apparently she also had a good arm along with a large lung capacity, as her container of noodles had collided with the ceiling and stuck there for a good five minutes before falling straight on the head of the next poor soul who wandered underneath. The black noodle sauce dripping on his face plus the combination of a dead body caused the second scream of the day; the lab techie ended up running into at least eight different walls as he fled the room due to the sauce covering his eyes.

There were, at least, ten to twelve people that fell for the trick until someone actually had the idea to go report the incident properly instead of running around screaming like headless chickens.

Omael somehow was becoming an authority figure that some were warming up to, and someone had the bright idea to go fetch the scientist who happened to be on a lunch break himself.

The scientist took one look at the 'dead' body on the floor, stared for a good minute before taking a deep breath and exhaling.

And burst into hysterical laughter.

The person who actually had the guts to go get the Professor and inform him of the situation quickly began to back out of the room, wondering if he made the wrong decision in thinking this man was even _remotely_ sane.

Omael just kept on laughing, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes before leaving the room, slowly clapping as he strolled down the halls, creeping out a good majority of the workers who had peeked out of their cubicles wondering what in the name of almighty Gaia was going on.

Then Reno (who had no idea how well the prank was going) got a call from the scientist in question.

"Why don't we give the poor man a proper send off at the training grounds?"

Reno then realised how bad things had gotten, and frantically began to think how he could sort out the mess he had created without getting the muscle of the Trinity killing him once he woke up.

Luckily for him, Zack happened to return in time to watch the latest victim of the prank in hysterics, somehow understanding the jumbled words and realising what was going on.

-o0o-

Zack had a feeling Keith was not going to like the stains in the floors. It had been a good set of light coloured carpet that had just passed the four month mark without getting ruined _(and that was a record)._

However, if this wasn't dealt with right here and now, Reno probably wouldn't get off as lightly.

There was a rather large crowd of SOLDIER's, secretaries and Turks somehow crammed into the break lounge, looking at the 'corpse' and uncertain of what to make of the situation.

The latter group were wondering what method they should use in order to wake Angeal up.

Zack had his own idea though.

"MMmmmmmm, Coffee. Might pour myself a cup, would go well with the candy Cloud gave me."

The 'dead body' immediately jerked, a red smeared face rising from the floor with absolute horror engraved in dark eyes.

"IN NO WAY, BY THE LIFESTREAM ZACK, ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE EVERYONE A HEART ATTACK?!"

The SOLDIER's in the vicinity leapt back, one letting out a high pitched shriek before fainting.

"Nah you should know by now what that stuff does to me, welcome to Zombie-hood by the way. It's nice to finally have someone as a peer."

The Turks let out sighs of relief, and the secretaries (who were so done with all this crap) returned to their work stations.

Angeal jaw had dropped, just staring at Zack in both a mix of exasperation and confusion, finally noticing how his shirt was damp and crimson stained his arms. Genesis was on the ground, snickering and pounding his fist into the floor (which gave a dangerous creak) and Sephiroth had an indescribable expression on his face.

A camera flashed.

"Someone decided to use your sleeping habits as a prank, they used the fake blood usually reserved for Turk missions. Zack, what did you mean by 'peer'?"

There was a wince, Angeal's eyes swivelling to the red haired Turk attempting to sneak out of the room.

If the growling Angeal was making in the back of his throat was any indication of how pissed he was, it was nothing compared to the horrific screech that Keith made when he burst into the room and caught sight of the fake blood.

"THAT WAS IMPORTED FROM WUTAI! I HAD TO BARGAIN WITH FIVE DIFFERENT MERCHANTS BEFORE THEY EVEN LET ME HAVE A SAMPLE!"

Reno squeaked and crawled into the ventilation system.

In his fright, it was completely excusable that he forgot the vents on that floor were the next to be removed since they were extremely rusty.

He got two halls away before it all collapsed and they heard a yelp as Reno came crashing down through the ceiling.

-o0o-

Keith had been so hysterical that Cloud had to talk to the Wutai merchants.

Needless to say no one drank or ate in the that lounge to avoid Keith breaking down into tears, he had been rather traumatized as he had spent so much effort into getting nice carpeting in at least one break room.

-o0o-

Seph never did get his question answered.

-o0o-

 **OMAKE**

-o0o-

"Zack, what did you mean by welcome to Zombie-hood?" The phrasing had stuck in Angeal's mind since the prank.

"Well, you know about the timeline split don't you?"

"Yes, and I am glad that those events did not occur in this timeline. I would not have liked going crazy, or being convinced I was a monster." Sephiroth was sitting down on the lounge in the First Class office.

Genesis actually looked up from his book for once, interested in the answer.

"Well, you know how so many people died? It wasn't just in that timeline."

"Zack?"

"Remember the time the shots got mixed when I was a fresh faced third, just newly mentored? Yeah, Omael never told anyone but me, but my heart actually beat so fast it stopped. It jumpstarted again when the shock of the alternate timeline splitting hit me with the memories. I died saving Cloud's Mako-Poisoned butt from an entire army of SHINRA troopers, after we had been guests in an experimental lab for about 5 years. The similarities of the situation kickstarted the memory absorption, and I was able to 'jump-start' my own heart as a spirit."

It was needless to say which Professor had been their 'host', it was very odd to have heard from Cloud how his timeline's 'Hojo' had been like Hollander, but about ten times as worse in regards to having human morals and ethics when it came to lab specimens. They referred to that scientist as 'Hojo', Omael was still getting used to being called by his first name among the few Cloud had told about his 'past'.

The three First's were speechless, reeling from the information and Genesis certainly was looking rather pale. He didn't like the Puppy, but he didn't want him dead, the relationship between them was a playful frenemies sort of relationship.

"And me? Why welcome me to Zombie-hood after I was sleeping?"

"You don't know? You tend to stop breathing in your sleep, kinda like how Valentine goes into hibernation sometimes. It's why I always seem to cause trouble and jump-start the Mako-flow between SOLDIERs all the time."

"You do, you've done that since we were kids. Freaked me out the first couple of times until I talked to my mother about it." Genesis remarked, opening his book again like he hadn't just casually remarked about how Angeal sometimes stopped breathing as a kid.

" . . . . . It would have been nice to have known that years ago. I always wondered why you were fretting over me when we had sleepovers." Angeal groaned, knowing that he would have to go to Omael and get a better, well-detailed explanation about this condition. He didn't like not knowing about things.

"It would also go a long way in explaining the reason why you can't be woken up once you DO go to sleep."

"You think Omael could find a way for Angeal to wake up that doesn't involve almost setting me on fire? That last Turk was a bit trigger happy with that flame thrower." Zack winced as he remembered the incident, his hair had gotten slightly singed.

"Seeing as my biological mother had sleep apnea as well, I think he should be able to do something for 'Geal. He had been living with her for nearly five years before she had me and took off. Father should know some remedies as well, seeing as his condition mimics it quite closely." Sephiroth remarked while flicking his PHS open to contact said man.

Well, it looked like Angeal had an appointment to make in the future.

At least he now knew why his chest was always a bit sore after he woke up all the time.

-o0o-

 _A/N: This chapter was spawned because it was extremely hot at the time (it was so hot the tar on the road was melting) and I just wanted to sleep, and I tend to sleep like the dead. My sister can attest to that, she had to wake me up many times as a child, and one time I was so fast asleep she decided, after exhausting all her options, to throw a book at me. Unfortunately I somehow chose to wake up at that exact moment to see a book getting thrown in my face. Ah . . . that is a memory that I shall remember for many years._

 _And so we somehow came to the conclusion that Angeal can sleep through anything, and Reno of course would decide to take advantage of good pranking material, but some people took it too seriously. And I just felt like Keith wanted at least some nice carpeting now that Cloud is the President, so he's quite distraught about the carpet getting stained._

 _Hope you enjoyed this chapter!_

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_

 **Not to mention that we somehow gave the poor man a real medical issue... did you have to pounce me a the start?**

 **ChaosBalance signing out!**


	9. Chp9: Never Get The General Drunk

The drunken shenanigans that occurred in Chapter 6 during Sephiroth and Keith's vacation.

Let's say . . . they caused a bit of property damage.

-o0o-

 _Finally got this one done. As I promised a reviewer, the events that occurred after Sephiroth and Keith actually got drunk, are finally being told. I've learned, that putting these two together, while drunk, doesn't end happily. Well, not for them, but the people that get involved with them while they're drunk._

 _Just a warning:_ _ **The events that occur in this, are completely made up. I've never drunk alcohol before, I've never been drunk, so I was just making this up as I went. I have no idea how drunks behave, I was only making assumptions.**_

Disclaimer: Any character recognized in this story, belong to their respective owners.

 **Well, this happened. I don't even know how this happened and I edited the thing!**

-o0o-

 **Never Get the General Drunk**

-o0o-

Keith didn't recall when they left the house.

Neither did Sephiroth.

But they were out of drinks and their thirst was unquenchable.

They hadn't bothered to check out the local pubs and bars since Cloud had given them that crate of booze, and neither of them were regular drinkers so they didn't feel the need to find out where the locals went to get smashed.

The first bar they found was a nice quaint one attached to a restaurant, teeming with customers decked out in a variety of colours and saran wraps (the blazing heat was constant despite it being nighttime). They were both quite grateful that Cloud, and possibly Angeal, had the foresight to pack their clothes as the Midgar weather never changed from its neutral state. Sephiroth wasn't even aware he owned shirts this thin. He was rather used to his uniform and dress shirts.

The bartender didn't seem to even realise they were already drunk (to be fair, to any normal person they would seem perfectly sober), and whipped up their orders as soon as they managed to pick one out on the menu.

Seeing as there was a ton of options available, it was actually smart of the bar to have a menu for their patrons.

Keith was slowly sipping at something fruity (there was a tang of citrus on his tongue) and Sephiroth was currently crunching on the ice from his glass, the customer sitting next to him starring as the ice crunching was quite audible.

Sephiroth had at least had some of his wits about him as he had pulled his hair up into a bun and placed a cap over his recognizable silver locks, so no one was openly staring at him for being the General of SHINRA. Keith wasn't exactly publicly recognizable, so he could do whatever he wanted and not tarnish the company's reputation.

They managed to get through a good couple of drinks in before the customers were staring at the pile of glasses on the counter around them, Keith was already making a tower out of shot glasses, before deciding perhaps they should move onto the next place.

-o0o-

The next pub was a bit rowdier, the crowd tougher, and someone had the balls to insult Keith over his pretty looks. Of course Keith took this as a challenge and suggested a drinking contest; the burly muscled man who insulted him gave a cocky grin before calling the bartender for two shot glasses and their strongest bottle.

Sephiroth sat nearby, his phone discreetly recording as the two competitors threw back their first shot.

Keith ended up out-drinking the entire pub, and proving he could still hold his liquor as well as he did while in his hometown.

Sephiroth ate at least a kilo in peanuts as munchies while sipping at a fruity cocktail that no one really cared about since there was a much more interesting sight to see.

The bartender didn't even bat an eyelash as Keith began to root through the passed out drunkards pockets, claiming his victory spoils as was common in these sort of seedy pubs.

Given how Sephiroth slipped the bartender a bribe probably helped in that regard.

-o0o-

The next place was a more uptown bar, catering to the more business sort. One of the already drunk patrons was complaining about the amount of work he had to go through as a desk jockey; claiming that he had more work then even the Silver General of SHINRA.

Naturally, Sephiroth took great offence to that.

"Did you know that every piece of paperwork that goes through Director Lazard's office has to be countersigned by me? I have seen stuff that had to be part of HEIDEGGER's work, but since Lazard did it, I have to go through it. I have seen paperwork that deals with the _infantry's_ _TOILET PAPER SUPPLY_ that I have had to re-read and countersign since the idiot Lazard can't be bothered to fill anything bar his signature in. And anything with Lazard's signature on it has to have mine as well, or it isn't valid."

Keith had to drag Sephiroth off the man, which went as marvelously as one could expect when trying to stop your drunk friend from throwing an innocent (annoyance) off of a balcony.

They had to flee the bar before the cops got called.

Since the bar had been on the second floor, they hopped the railings and jumped to another rooftop, Sephiroth loudly complaining about Keith's parkour skills.

"You just never learned how to! I was willing to teach you but you never cleared your schedule! Even on your off days you do paperwork! At least I relax on my off days!"

"Oh really? Your idea of relaxation is patrolling the halls and scaring the shit out of the employees!"

Keith paused from where he was perched on a tree branch, staring back at Sephiroth who was clambering up from a windowsill to the roof.

" . . . We have a problem."

"Agreed."

-o0o-

It took them about ten minutes before their fleeing from the cops turned into a competitive race (apparently while Keith had been drinking those idiots under the table, Sephiroth had written a bucket list on a notepad he procured from under the counter).

Their race lasted about thirty minutes, they somehow managed to make it across about two-thirds of Costa del Sol, leaving a very interesting trail of destruction in their wake.

Sephiroth was responsible for the plant pots he barrelled into when he slipped on balcony railings, he wasn't exactly wearing the best shoes for this sort of exercise.

Keith's footwear was fine, as he had been doing parkour for so long he could go barefoot.

He had misjudged a few tree branches integrity though, and had been to heavy for them to handle, thus quite a few trees had broken limbs along the boardwalks.

Neither of them knew which one had managed to wedge a steel bench into the barrel of the Sister Cannon Array.

They had to call the race quits though when they found the antique cannon.

To be fair, Keith shouldn't have egged Sephiroth on when he had a Fira lit near the wick.

He quickly confiscated the Materia before they had to flee again when the cannon ball went flying through a gazebo and right into the gas can of a barbeque, causing a rather violent explosion.

They both learned a valuable lesson; despite things being antiques, they could often still be in great working condition.

-o0o-

The adrenaline rush they both got from the parkour race made their thirst build up quite a bit, and the next bar they stumbled on was a jazz club.

Keith got quite emotional as he drank his whiskey, another patron nearby muttering about his shitty childhood which made Keith want to one up him.

When it came to shitty childhoods, Keith was by far the worse compared to normal people.

Sephiroth was a whole other story though.

Keith and his new friend, Frederick, were both crying as they downed their drinks, consoling each other while Sephiroth blankly stared at the two grown men openly bawling in the jazz club. He did however pass them a box of tissues a waiter passed to him, dragging Keith out of the club once Frederick and the janitor exchanged phone numbers.

-o0o-

Apparently bringing up the past brought up Sephiroth's own memories, and after getting Keith to drink a full bottle of something (at this point they had no idea what they were consuming), convinced the janitor to break into the local SHINRA Branch.

Since Keith had access to almost everything (by everything that meant he had the same security specs as the President, which he had the privilege of sharing only with Sephiroth), it was very easy to leave a rather crude message addressed to Lazard, Sephiroth was still bitter about the paperwork issue.

Not to mention spreading all the current paperwork all about the office.

It was all shipment paperwork for infantry supplies, and they felt no remorse as they doused the more important documents with petrol.

Sephiroth may have been cackling like a mad man as they flicked a lit match into the building, Keith staring blankly at the flames that steadily built before they left the scene of 'the crime'.

 _Cloud didn't have a problem with losing the Costa del Sol branch, all it really did was store paperwork. In fact; he had been looking for a reason to fire Lazard for a while, and paperwork habits were just the thing._

-o0o-

Their next stop was at the hairdressers, after Sephiroth had apparently remembered something rather important.

"Second-Class's Hendricks and Persimmon are getting married soon, they wanted the ceremony to start the Costa del Sol Rainbow Pride parade next month."

Keith glanced up from where he was applying some aromatic oils to Sephiroth's back, they were trying to cover up the smell of smoke and had stopped by an oil store. Plus he needed to get some as the smells soothed him after dealing with idiots, and Costa del Sol had a much larger variety available than what the Midgar store stocked.

Sephiroth had liberally applied sandalwood to his own forearms, apparently liking the spicy chemical scent, Keith wrinkling his nose as the strong smell permeated the air.

"And that has relevance to us how?"

"I wish to show my approval of their union and my enthusiasm for the parade. Zack suggested colours."

"And your wardrobe is monochrome." Keith could see the issue there. Clothes shopping with Sephiroth was an task in itself as he liked to know everything he could about what he was buying. It took an hour to get through one three piece suit when they had to get him something suitable for one of the the late President's many gala's.

"Have you ever thought about dying your hair?" Keith blurted out, having spotted a hairdressers about a block back while they had been crouching behind a shrub to catch their breath, as well as to avoid the fire department.

"Zack suggested that as well, something about it being easier than going out for suitable clothing."

For once, the Puppy was being helpful.

"There's a hairdresser close by."

-o0o-

Costa del Sol and its locals was amazing.

That's the only thing Keith could think of considering how Sephiroth had tumbled through the window instead of using the door not even two feet away, and the hairdressers hadn't even blinked.

Not even a squeak.

"How can we help you today?" The nearest hairdresser, sporting bright blue hair that seemed neon in the early morning light, already pulling up a chair for Sephiroth to sit in, Keith was fine where he was.

"My friend needs his hair dyed. Some coworkers are getting married and he wanted to show some support."

"What a wonderful idea! And we have so much to work with." Sephiroth had lost his hat amongst the shattered glass.

"What kind of colours do you have in mind?" Another hairdresser, a man with a single red streak in his shoulder length hair asked, as he used a heavy duty broom to brush the scattered glass shards in a heap under the window.

"Give me all the colours! Sick of silver and need to show support for my cohorts."

"And who are your cohorts darling?"

"Second-Class Lieutenant Hendricks and his fiancee, Second-Class Commander Persimmon. Both in SOLDIER, but different squads, Those two keep their more rowdy squadmates from giving me even more paperwork and were instrumental in getting me through the SOLDIER program, despite me being at least half the age of most of the other cadets. I'd have never survived if it wasn't for my honorary Uncles."

At this point, Keith would think the shop employees would have to be the most disconnected to the media people if they didn't know who Sephiroth was. But they simply nodded and continued their jobs like professionals, not at all bothered by the fact it was SHINRA's General asking for a dye job.

"Well, let's get started then." The neon blue hairdresser chirped, a bright smile on her face after hearing the story Sephiroth had just told.

Keith found a vacant chair and settled in prepared for a long wait. Knowing how long it took Sephiroth to have a trim, this was going to take a good couple of hours.

He made sure to pass a wad of gil over to the petite lady manning the counter, payment for the window and what was probably going to be a four hour hair appointment.

-o0o-

It took a good forty minutes into the appointment for Keith to get bored, and began to make idle talk.

One such topic being about the new President.

"You seem to go quiet around the new prez. Why? You've never been intimated before . . ." Keith asked, a sly smile growing on his face as he saw the faint blush on his little brother's face (that certainly wasn't caused by alcohol).

"He beat me effortlessly in a spar, now I get dreams about him tying me up and ordering me around. Gen has been teasing me constantly, and I'm turning into an insomniac cause I can't look him in the eye or even work after one of those. They give me problems that I hadn't before and Father just laughs and directs me to the biology and anatomy books when I ask."

Keith couldn't help but snort, and Leandra (the neon blue hairdresser) giggled. Stephen, the hairdresser with the red streak raised an eyebrow but kept applying the light green dye to the strands in his hands.

"Papa never gave me an answer either, just said that he knew it and that several of the Turks owe him cause he won the pot."

"Vincent was never too comfortable with that kind of talk. After Lucrecia dumped him, me and Omael had to tie him to a chair and threaten to leave him in a dragons den unarmed before he talked about emotions." Keith managed to spit out as he tried to not laugh at the General's obliviousness. It wasn't exactly his fault given his upbringing, but Keith couldn't help find the situation humourous.

"Honey, have you ever heard of the term BDSM?" Stephen asked.

"Yeah, it's something Gen introduced to me when he started dating 'Geal. 'Cause sometimes he needs outta his head, and 'Geal isn't there to do it for him. I mainly just let him sit near my feet with a blindfold on and watch to make sure he doesn't end up in a bad way."

Keith decided to cover his ears as Sephiroth continued the conversation, this was something he didn't need to hear.

-o0o-

The hairdresser at the counter apparently got sick of watching Keith flick through a magazine for the twentieth time and demanded she do his hair.

So he let Shay work her magic, and by the time Sephiroth's dye job was done, he was sporting three thin streaks of ice blue in his fringe, somehow she had got the same exact shade as his eyes.

Sephiroth decided to pay the hairdressers triple their usual rate because they had 'a lovely chat' and had to be gods, as he inspected his rainbow coloured hair. Every single strand was coloured, not a single lash of silver could be seen. That was, the silver that hadn't been deliberately left alone to complete the rainbow pattern.

Stephen was nice enough to direct them to the nearest clothing store that was open (it was roughly around 4AM) so they could procure clothing that wasn't singed, soaked in sweat and had grass stains.

Luckily Sephiroth was so exhausted that he left Keith to rummage through the racks, not even asking a single question as Keith dressed him in khaki shorts, a red short sleeved shirt and a white beret. He actually purred as Keith braided his hair, the shop owner insisting on finding them clothing that'd 'accentuate' their assets.

Sephiroth made the occasional comment on clothing choices while Keith had a wonderful conversation with the shop owner, as he had to find some clothes for Cloud as Midgar didn't have the best options for the Nibelheim born and raised. Midgar was pleasantly warm to most, but to Keith and Cloud, it was a hot house.

Costa del Sol was even hotter, but luckily Cloud had a rather high temperature tolerance range.

Still, they preferred the colder climates to the more temperate ones.

They left the store with several bags and an adequate disguise, as the cops were still looking for them. They swung by a liquor store on the way back and picked up a good amount of bottles that Sephiroth took back to the mansion. Keith went to get nibbles.

They ended up drinking the lot under an hour, and Sephiroth now had an addiction to chicken wings.

-o0o-

It was 6AM and the sun was just coming out.

Since the beach was right outside the mansion, Keith decided it was a great time to go for a swim.

Sephiroth was not happy when he got dragged out to the water and dumped into the salty ocean.

They had an epic water fight and only called it quits when they started to get a headache from all the alcohol they had consumed.

The bedrooms were too far from the entrance, and they flopped down onto the couch despite their shorts being absolutely soaked. Sephiroth had abandoned his shirt at the entrance way, Keith tearing his damp singlet and throwing it in some vague direction.

There was a crash, but they were far too tired to care.

-o0o-

And that was how Cloud and Zack found them the next morning, with horrendous hangovers and wondering what the hell had happened the night before.

Actually, they couldn't remember an entire week, once Cloud questioned them about the date.

Keith was just confused as to why he had a new contact called Frederick in his phone, and a note from a Derrick written on the back of a receipt saying to call him for wardrobe tips.

Cloud was pleasantly surprised to find a bag of clothes labelled for his use once they began to clean up the lounge.

Zack was pouting when he found the bucket of chicken bones, and Keith would have directed the Puppy to the shop he bought them from, but he couldn't remember where the shop was at all.

Although there was the vague smell of engine oil and book dust in his memory.

They both left Costa del Sol with a bunch of clothes, aromatic oils, a fresh hairdo and a week's worth of forgotten memories.

-o0o-

A month after the incident they ended up asking Cloud why the Turks were so pissed at them.

Apparently the Turks had been appalled at their antics, since they were the most responsible figureheads of the company to the employees, but once finding out they had been completely blackout drunk while performing said antics, it became a challenge.

The only Turk not bothered was a smug Reno, and once questioning said Turk, they found about the collateral destruction betting board the Turks ran with the Weapon's Department.

It turned out the Turks put a lot of their salary into betting on Genesis, who damaged company property almost every day of the week.

The destruction they had caused in Costa del Sol though, not only shot Sephiroth up from the bottom of the leaderboard to the top, but put him half as much expensive again as the second place contender.

Keith immediately called foul, citing the insider information Reno had as one of the party that had 'helped' the Silver General celebrate his 21st birthday and was the reason Sephiroth wasn't allowed to get drunk in Midgar.

The Turks happily took their Gil back, and stopped trying to poison their livers via excessive alcohol consumption.

Keith eventually cornered Vincent and interrogated him about Sephiroth asking him 'questions', to which the host of Chaos became quite flustered about, but eventually muttered out his reasons as he knew Keith would be persistent on the issue.

But one thing Cloud learned was to never let the two of them drink unsupervised as they would both fuel each other's crazy ideas, especially if he gave them access to Mako-Breaker Moonshine.

Although he wouldn't have a problem if he was there with them.

 _Perhaps on the next vacation . . ._

-o0o-

 _A/N: Ahhhh, this was way too much fun to write. But the next chapter . . ._

 _ **It actually has plot.**_

 _So . . . I've got two chapters currently in the wings that have been written, the next chapter of this fic, or the next chapter of the main SHINRA Janitors, which has to deal with the first meeting of the Trinity._

 _Which one would you like to see uploaded next? Let me know in the reviews._

 _LiulfrLokison out!:3_

 _ **Yeesh, how is it that we ended up with plot in a Crack!Series? I have no idea, but it is quite the fun one.**_


	10. Chp10: A New President

The first change Cloud makes as President (CEO) of Shinra, is to shut the mako reactors down.

It doesn't go as planned.

 _And we find out how Cloud ended up falling into the reactor._

 **(When the crack turns to plot).**

-o0o-

 _So . . . somehow we went from crack to actual plot. It surprised me quite a bit._

 _And also, it got a little emotional, just a warning._

Disclaimer: Any character that you recognize, belong to their respective owners.

 **I don't know how we got plot from crack, I really don't. Ah well, if it's entertaining, then that's all that matters.**

-o0o-

 _ **Chapter 10: A New President**_

It had taken a week for the fact, that SHINRA had a new President, to finally sink in.

As such, a company wide freak out was foreseeable.

The first change that occurred was the name.

The Shinra Electric Power Company was rebranded as Ultima Services, a vast majority of the SOLDIER department easily accepted the change (they had gained a far higher salary than what SHINRA had allotted them), while only a few of the secretarial staff were ecstatic.

It was hell to assign missions to specific SOLDIERs, the task in itself took up about 40% of their work and caused many to run overtime, a reason why the SOLDIER department had the second largest issue regarding overtime pay (the Urban Development department was the first as there were very few employees meaning they all went overtime). The quest desk system was a far superior system, as it allowed the SOLDIERs themselves to choose what mission they wanted, to fit their skill set and their current situation.

It was a problem that had hardly been addressed during President Shinra's time, many SOLDIERs being sent on missions that were either above what they could currently do, or so much a waste of talent that could have been better use elsewhere (like on a mission that someone that DIDN'T have that skill set was assigned).

Not to mention the SOLDIERs who had families. Everyone in the SOLDIER department could recall when a 2nd Class SOLDIER was sent out to Mideel when his wife needed him to be with her for the week looking after their children who were at the fussy stage of entering school for the first time. There had been a huge public outcry at THAT particular debacle, and it was only when Sephiroth stepped in and addressed the matter did Lazard allow the SOLDIER parental leave even though it cost him a lot in paperwork to assign it to another SOLDIER who was available at the time (Commander Phelps was so grateful that he managed to convince several lab assistants to conveniently 'lose' the paperwork for a whole host of tests that had been ordered by the President for Hollander to do to Sephiroth).

If Lazard hadn't listened to Sephiroth, Keith had been very willing to step in and get the man to change his mind on the matter.

So a decent majority of the company were delighted about the change, and once the rest of the company realised that THIS president would actually listen to the common worker, they changed their tune very quickly.

Except the ones who were caught embezzling company funds. Cloud threw them out on their asses in a heartbeat.

Two months after the initial rebranding, some workers still stumbled over the name change, typing or writing SHINRA onto documents, but it was mostly the older workers who had been in the company for a good number of years.

However, the biggest shock was when CEO Strife (he refused to be called President) decided to tweak their biggest source of income.

The new President had called a press conference in the lobby for all the workers, and had publicly announced that the Mako-Reactors were being shut down in favour of Green Energies, such as Solar and Wind, that caused the biggest shock.

When asked by the press, the reason given was actually rather straightforward and shocking enough to cause many to open their eyes and really look around.

It was only a simple speech, but one that shook the world.

"Migar has top quality soil, some of the most fertile in the entire continent according to the lab results. Yet _nothing grows in Midgar_. The only two people that have managed to grow plants in this town have _Cetra blood_. Midgar was known for it's farmland, before the Reactors went up, and the soil is still the same quality. _Why did nothing grow when the reactors went up?_ _Why did the plants die when they had everything needed to grow their best?_ The only births in Midgar were those that were conceived _elsewhere_ and Midgar has one of the highest rates of miscarriage in the entire _world_. Why? There is only one thing different from those days of Midgar farmland."

Once the General and Keith returned from their vacation (the General sporting very . . . colourful hair), did the CEO begin to shut down the first reactor.

The Gongaga reactor was the first to be shut down, put on the high priority list due to its condition and considering the environment around it, it would deteriorate faster than the rest. The Nibelheim reactor would be the second, but because of its frigid environment, mako spillages would be easy to handle as the mako froze immediately (according to Omael and no one dared to try and correct him on the matter, he was the head scientist).

Omael had already gone and done some preliminary tests on the mako in the Gongaga reactor, Zack accompanying him with a team of his assistants and Cloud. If someone got to have a quick home visit, no one mentioned it when they returned to Midgar.

Once the results of the mako testing had come out, Cloud, Reeve and Omael began to analyse them to ensure the mako would be stable enough if they stopped the reactor's production, and put the new energy options into play. As the Gongaga locals relied solely on the mako reactor for their power, they would have to first set the new energy source up before slowly weaning them off mako power.

Given it was an area exposed to the sun almost all of the year, they set up solar panels as the new alternative energy source. And Cloud was happy to get his hands dirty.

It was when Cloud was walking around the town, and saw something very familiar to him, that the fecal matter hit the ventilation device.

"Fucking… ZACK, OMAEL! GET TSENG ON THE FUCKING PHONE IMMEDIATELY!"

It seemed that JENOVA wasn't taking the new changes very well, and decided to speed things up.

Geostigma wasn't to be trifled with, Cloud knew all too well how much damage it could inflict.

Since Omeal had been told about the plague, and how it was spread by Mako pollution, no-one was going to take any chances after he began swearing.

The Turks quickly arranged a First Class escort for Aerith, consisting of the three First Class, and had her brought out to Gongaga.

It hadn't started in Gongaga the last time, but given how it was going to be the first to be shut down, it was no surprise that the effects would first show up here.

Several of the ground and transport crew had alerted of recognised symptoms in other villagers, and took it upon themselves to round everyone up for a Great Gospel shower.

It was only after everything was settled that it was discovered that the ones to recognise the illness actually knew the new CEO.

It seemed that Cloud needed to check on his 'old comrades'.

Perhaps he, Cait Sith and Reeve weren't the only ones that remembered . . .

-o0o-

Getting the crew back together took a lot less time than Cloud had anticipated.

Although, perhaps he shouldn't have sent Keith to pick up Yuffie, the girl exclaiming that Cloud had a twin. Keith had barely even blinked at this, having been told by Cloud how . . . well the closest comparison he could come up with was that Yuffie was much like an energy drink combined with several kilograms of candy in regards to her personality.

The moment the crew were assembled in one of the many conference rooms in the higher levels of the building, did they ask why things were different.

Tifa was the first to ask why her memories of Nibelheim from their timeline differed greatly to what memories the Tifa of this timeline possessed.

Each of the team (excusing Reeve and Cait Sith) had all noticed how there was one other player in the SHINRA power struggle that hadn't been there in their timeline.

And how this Hojo seemed to be . . . not Hojo.

Cloud decided to start at the beginning.

The very beginning.

Cloud was finally asked the question he had been anticipating since the crew had gotten together and shared their stories of their memory gain.

Most of them had involved Mako in some way (Yuffie had ended up in the Spring under the Palace when the floor above it had given way, an assassin had tried to kill her mother before her brother had been born).

Cloud though, didn't stumble into a natural spring. No, Cloud had a much more interesting story than the others.

"I was about two and decided to follow my foster brother up the Nibel Mountain to the Reactor…"

 ** _*FLASHBACK*_**

 _"_ _Cloud, I promise it's okay. Uncle Omael's been up here plenty of times." Keith gave the small two year old Cloud a bright smile, helping the child through the thick snow._

 _Cloud had insisted on knowing where Keith went all the time when he wasn't busy with his cousin Sephiroth, and Omael had needed a sample of the mako from the reactor . Omael couldn't leave his lab unattended; he had some very important tests running that he couldn't leave supervised by anyone else in case something went wrong._

 _Mum had finally given into Cloud's pleading, letting him accompany the eighteen year old who had sort of become like a brother to him. Even if they weren't blood related . . . Keith promised to tell him how he came to live in Nibelheim in the future, when he was older._

 _But it seemed that he wouldn't be getting that answer anytime soon, as what would occur in a few hours, would make him forget that promise entirely._

 _-o0o-_

 _Cloud had gotten bored. He was a two year old, it was bound to happen._

 _The reactor was cold, dimly lit and completely grey in colour. Keith had asked him to wait by the door while he went and collected the sample. He should only be a few minutes, he had said, before he disappeared down a ladder underneath the main platform._

 _But that had felt like ages ago to a two year old._

 _The only thing that was different was that statue in the middle of the room. It was of an angel, and looked really pretty._

 _No-one would blame him for what happened next._

 _The Statue had a security system on it, to stop thieves and monsters from getting it, and the poor boy had no idea._

 _The electric shock Cloud got was enough to send him jerking backwards._

 _The railing he fell against snapped, rusted from age and the highly toxic Mako fumes, and the boy was sent plummeting down into the bright green pool with a scream._

 _Everything became a blur as he sunk into the green ocean, whispering voices and fleeting touches were all he could hear and feel. He was adrift in a sea of faded images and dream-like memories. A canvas that had been eroded by powers beyond his comprehension._

 _The peaceful shades of green white abruptly darkened._

 _Everything went black as he saw a blonde-haired man wielding a large sword, the scar on his brow the same as the one he had gotten recently from falling off the porch into the barb wire fence at the side of the house._

 _The man seemed surprised as he was, blue eyes so like his own wide with confusion, something inside him screamed that this spectre before him was very, very real. Nothing like the images he had seen before in this dark landscape. This man was important and needed to stay with him._

 _He reached out._

 _And knew no more._

 _-o0o-_

 _The Cloud that woke up, wasn't exactly the same Cloud that had fallen into the coma._

 _But, that wouldn't be discovered until he tried to lunge at Omeal, and fell to the floor as a large sword fell onto him out of nowhere._

 _As he tried to take in his surroundings, he was quite surprised to see a blonde, blue eyed teen standing near his mother, his expression torn between panic and relief as he look at Cloud._

 _But why was his mother so much taller than him? Why was Hojo in his childhood house?! And, for that matter, why was First Tsurugi so damn huge?!_

 _"_ _I told you Omael! I told you that Mako was glowing weird!" The teen was screeching at Hojo, who was staring at Cloud in a perplexed manner, similar to how Hojo had looked at him as a specimen. But this gaze held kindness, and that was an emotion he had never associated with the crazed scientist._

 _"_ _Which one of you bastards hit me with a Mini?" came the frustrated squeak that stopped all conversation._

 _His mother gasped at his words, Hojo was taken aback, but the teen . . ._

 _"_ _Cloud, you are two years old! Where did you learn that word?"_

 _"_ _You're more concerned about his language?" Hojo asked with a bemused tone, the teen rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders._

 _"_ _Two? I'm nearly Fifty fucking Eight! I've saved the world about three times now from that crazy bastard Sephiroth, been one of the only survivors of the Geostigma before the cure was found, and I've been the only one capable of traversing the land when the Monsters went out of control after SHINRA fell. I think I can fucking well swear if I want to!"_

 _Apparently the teen wasn't happy with him swearing, striding over and (with some significant effort) lifting First Tsurugi off him, plucked Cloud off the floor like a stuffed toy._

 _"_ _Cloud, you will calm down. You will stop swearing. You just came out of a mako coma, and we are all freaking out. So let's all be civil adults, and talk this out."_

 _"_ _Why should I calm down? So you can give me back to the crazy Scientist for another six years of torture and experiments?"_

 _"_ _I can assure you, the craziest thing Omael has done, was dating that witch Lucrecia. Otherwise, he's a man who's very passionate about his job, and would never run tests on any sentient being without their permission."_

 _The teen had such a calming voice, that Cloud felt the tension seep out of his shoulders. And seeing how he lifted Cloud's very heavy sword, this person had more strength than the average. Given his current state, Cloud wasn't sure if he even had the strength to overpower this person._

 _And somehow this person's touch was soothing, like a comrades . . like . . . a brother._

 _It looked like he hadn't just gone back in time._

 _He had slipped into a completely different alternative timeline._

 _. . . ._

 _Why didn't he listen to Aerith's explanation lecture on the Lifestream more attentively?_

 _-o0o-_

 _The 'teen' turned out to be called Keith, and had been living in Nibelheim for a good number of years. He was in fact good friends with Hojo, and babysat Sephiroth who was six years old. Almost seven._

 _Keith explained to him how about 6 or 7 weeks ago, he had gone up with Keith to the reactor, and had fallen into the mako after triggering the security system on a decorative statue._

 _He hadn't been under the mako for too long, but enough that he slipped into a coma. Keith had fished him out, and run all the way down to the village with Cloud in his arms, promptly freaking the hell out of the townsfolk. He had gone straight to Omael, who began treatment and was able to stabilize Cloud, leaving them to wait for him to wake up._

 _Keith had been so preoccupied with Cloud's condition, that he hadn't washed the mako residue off his arms, so there had been a decent amount of mako that had dried up on his skin and left him with a slight case of Mako poisoning. Omael had been so focused on Cloud, he hadn't noticed Keith peeling the mako off his skin, causing the substance to leak into the cuts and entering his bloodstream._

 _Once Cloud had been sorted out, a lot of Omael's assistants panicked when Keith collapsed onto the floor with a loud crash, taking out a metal cart on the way down._

 _He had recovered quickly, but had felt extremely guilty, believing it was his fault that Cloud had fallen into a coma._

 _Cloud felt rather touched knowing he had more than his mother who cared about him this time, his childhood in Nibelheim was a sore subject for him, and he very rarely talked about it with the team._

 _Now that he knew the circumstances, he began to explain his version of the story._

 _"_ _That decorative statue that caused my fall? Yeah, not so decorative after all….."_

 _Keith jumped out his seat, a finger pointed at Omael with a triumphant grin._

 _"_ _I told you that statue was freaky! A reactor doesn't need some fancy decoration! Plus Hollander was really weird about it . . ." He muttered under his breath, the scientist letting out a sigh and rubbing his forehead._

 _"_ _I'm not in charge of construction, I'm just the guy who tests the mako and reports the results. I'll ask Veld to look into it."_

 _"_ _It's not the statue that you need to worry about. It's the remains of the last host body to a semi-sentient hive-minded Virus from outer space, that's hidden BEHIND it, that you need to worry about."_

 _Hojo looked as if he was going to speak again, but was cut off when there was a loud growl._

 _It turned out it came from Cloud's stomach._

 _Yeah, he hadn't eaten in a couple of weeks . . ._

 _Keith was snorting behind his hand, but wore a grin as he rose to his feet._

 _"_ _Maybe we should continue this conversation after lunch?"_

 _It really was a no brainer that Cloud chose the food._

 _And that was how he became acquainted with his 'big brother' and his 'Uncle Omael'._

 ** _*FLASHBACK END*_**

"So . . . you just accepted that you had a new brother and an Uncle?" Yuffie questioned from where her arms were flopped on the table, a pout on her face as the others were still trying to comprehend what they had just been told.

"Crazier things have happened."

"From what this timeline's memories show, this Keith isn't that bad of a dude." Tifa shrugged, resting her cheek in one palm. "He scared off Cloud's bullies and basically said 'F U' to the villagers, he didn't care that this timeline's Tifa was the mayor's daughter, just treated her like any normal kid."

"Keith is . . ." Reeve trailed off, trying to find a word to sum up what exactly the Head Janitor of Shinra is like.

"He's the outlier. He is one of the reasons why this timeline is different." Aerith's voice broke the silence, causing them to all glance to the flower girl.

"Omael is another factor, but it's Keith who makes the most impact. He was Sephiroth's stability, someone to go to when he needed, and with his strong moral compass, he's been a lifeline for SHINRA employees. Even if Genesis and Angeal began to degrade, he would be able to shut JENOVA's attempts down. He knows Sephiroth too well, and if she tried anything, it would be fruitless."

"Not to mention that he's a part of a pretty big web of fate lines. The only bigger web is that of the SOLDIER hive-mind overlay, and I'm in charge of that. JENOVA didn't even realise I took it off of her until I started shutting the reactors down. Probably why she's sent out the Geostigma so early." Cloud shrugged, like he hadn't just admitted something rather profound.

"My brain hurts." Cid muttered from behind his cup of tea, this was a bit much to take in all in one go.

"Perhaps we should adjoin this meeting? Pick it up tomorrow?" Nanaki offered, and given how many of the team nodded in answer, it looked like they all needed a break.

"Tomorrow then. I think we all need rest before tackling the Geostigma problem again." Cloud replied, letting out a sigh as he got up from his chair.

Being CEO wasn't that hard, but now with JENOVA up and about again . . .

It was going to make his job a whole lot harder.

But at least he had more people to help him than last time.

The fact that Keith had been eavesdropping just outside the door was unknown to everyone.

-o0o-

 ** _OMAKE_**

-o0o-

"So . . . what's this about a 'hive-mind'?"

Cloud almost jumped when Keith's voice came out of nowhere, a hand held over Tsurugi's main handle as he saw his big brother leaning against the door frame.

"I swear; you must have been a Turk in another life." Cloud muttered under his breath, receiving a vague hum in reply as Keith slipped into the room, hands tucked into his pants pockets.

"I know you're not the same Cloud that used to follow me around as a kid, but I'm still your brother. You can tell me things that you can't tell others. And I know that this team are people you trust, people you've known longer than me, but I'm still sad that you couldn't tell me about that 'little' detail." Keith wore a smile, but Cloud could see that the older man was genuinely hurt, that he hadn't told him about the 'hive-mind'.

"I had only finished taking the damn thing over during your vacation. I didn't . . . want to put all that pressure on you again. You deserved some time off. Besides, if I had told you, it would have spoiled the surprise I had for you."

Keith didn't seem to actually register the 'surprise' part of Cloud's sentence, stalking forward and fisting Cloud's shirt in his hand. Cloud did nothing as Keith tugged him close, almost face to face with the taller man, eyes shining with anger.

"I don't give a damn about vacations. You're my little brother. You, you're someone I want to protect, even if it's hurts me in the process. You're irreplaceable, and if I can ease your burden, just by a little bit, then that's all I need."

Cloud did feel bad about keeping this big a secret from Keith, but he knew that his brother was reckless when it came to him and his safety. The scars that Keith had accumulated over the years because of Cloud's mistakes or stumbles, were permanent reminders of that.

"Cloud, I just, I just want to know that you trust me."

 _Oh shit._

Keith was crying.

Cloud was frozen, he had never seen Keith cry before. Well, from laughter yes, but like this . . .

These tears were from pain.

Emotional pain.

And he was the cause of it.

He didn't know how to respond.

"Keith, I was hoping you could -"

Omael was at the doorway, his eyes wide behind his glasses as he took in the sight. Keith openly crying and a guilty looking Cloud completely frozen from shock.

Keith quickly wiped away his tears, a broken smile thrown onto his face as he turned to the scientist.

"What did you need me for Omael?" He sniffled, quickly walking over the door as he let go of Cloud's shirt, shoving trembling hands into his pockets.

"Ah, one of Hollanders leftover specimens. I was hoping you could have a look at it."

"Sure! I can do that!" Keith grinned, his voice cracking as he headed down the hallway with the scientist.

All Cloud could do was stare at the wet droplets on carpet, wondering how on earth he was going to apologize to Keith.

He had really screwed up this time.

-o0o-

"Keith, can I talk to you?"

Cloud was nervous, he hadn't told anyone this, even Tifa hadn't known how bad it truly was.

"I want to tell you something, something no one else knows."

"My mother, in my timeline at least, wasn't all there. She had her good days, and her bad days, but she only ever had clear eyes when it came to dealing with the village. I was on my own, completely on my own since she never remembered she even had a kid unless the villagers reminded her. You have no idea what it meant to have someone completely in my corner, to have someone care about me. Someone that I didn't have any memories of, to taint my perception of them. My mother might not have been as bad in this timeline, but she was clearly getting there. I had to feed both of us, she often forgot to eat unless you reminded her, and I had to endure her tantrums when she couldn't remember me. The scars you bear from my folly, are something I hoped you would never have to bear."

"I didn't tell you about the hive-mind because it really isn't that big a deal. It's like holding the channel toggle between the two channels on a radio kit in order to create a third. It is hard to use, and even harder to recognise sometimes. Not many SOLDIERs can 'call-out' with it, only listen in. I've been trying to set up a surprise birthday party for you with it, which is why many of the SOLDIERs have been a little distracted. I know you didn't like it when I told you about being forced to be a 'puppet' for the crazy bastard, and I was scared you'd make the connection that I could do that as well even though my set is different."

"I'll just leave you alone then. You clearly don't want anything to do with me, anymore."

Cloud turned to leave, but the door slammed opened behind him and he could hear the steel creaking.

"Cloud . . ."

He couldn't bear to turn around, he couldn't face Keith, not after everything he had just said.

"You fucking idiot."

He felt Keith's hand on his shoulder, and didn't resist when he was pulled back inside the office.

But instead of receiving a blow like he expected, he found himself in an almost suffocating embrace.

"K-Keith?" Cloud wasn't sure of what to do, Keith had his face buried in Cloud's shoulder, and his whole body was stiff as a board.

"You're my little brother, nothing will ever change that."

He heard Keith mumble, and he felt tears on his shirt.

"Damnit." He found himself muttering, unable to hold back the floodgates as tears started rolling down his cheeks, the two of them weeping as they finally let all the emotional turmoil of the years out, sliding to the floor and clinging to each other like they were afraid of the other disappearing forever.

Neither of them knew how long they stayed there, silently crying in each other's arms until all their tears ran dry.

"Why do I have such a idiot little brother?" Keith muttered with a huff, his tone full of fond amusement as he ruffled Cloud's hair.

Cloud snorted at this, letting out a breath against Keith's collarbone as he slumped against the older man.

"Why do I have such a reckless older brother?" He retorted, causing Keith to chuckle in reply.

Vincent found them five minutes later, tears stains on their cheeks that were red from laughter curled up against each other on the couch with their arms wrapped firmly around each other, dead fast asleep.

He said nothing, only placing a blanket over the two, locking the door behind him and leaving a 'DO NOT DISTURB' sign on the handle.

Only those who were familiar with both blonde individuals would know how long that talk had been due.

But now, all was done and dusted.

There would be no more secrets between them.

That's all Keith wanted.

-o0o-

 _A/N: Yeah . . . it went there._

 _Just an update, there probably won't be many updates anytime soon, as I landed a house keeping job at a lodge. Meaning I have no idea about my schedule and probably won't have much time to write. So just a warning if anyone is expecting updates in like the next two months._

 _But at least I'm going to get an idea of what Keith has to deal with, at least in regards of cleaning, so maybe I'll get ideas from the experience . . ._

 _LiulrLokison out! :3_

 **Hooo, boy I'm am going to be so bored without any work...**

 **ChaosBalance Signing Out!**


	11. Chp11: Exterminating Pests

JENOVA does not approve of the reactors being shut down.

Cloud doesn't a give a damn.

And Keith has some business with a certain Calamity . . .

-o0o-

 _So, JENOVA, yep . . . yeah, she's got no chance in Hel of surviving._

 _Basically this clears up the last chapter, and we get some surprise characters!_

 _And so, this chapter has been created._

 **We get some revenge, the family expands and someone gets whumped! What's not to like?**

Disclaimer: All characters belong to their respective franchises, I don't want to get sued.

-o0o-

 _ **Chapter 11: Exterminating Pests**_

-o0o-

The company had been in disarray since the CEO had come back from Gongaga with dreadful news. The brief quarantine of the area surrounding the respective reactor both fueled fear of a pandemic as well as the anger of finding out the reactor that had been a contributing factor to the disease appearing.

While the citizens of Midgar were reassured there was a cure; the city was plagued with fear that the disease would hit them next. If it had occurred in an area with one faulty reactor, what's to say it couldn't happen in a city with eight functioning ones? They were well aware that the reactors were highly maintained but human error could always play a factor; one small fault could result in dire consequences.

The outcry was so large that the reactors were turned off and the city was going to be without major power for quite awhile; as the solar panels on top of the plate (and the wind turbines on top of the tower) were only in their early construction stage. Materia Tech (reverse engineered from Ancient tech) was the order of the day; meaning that most of the SOLDIERs (and especially Genesis, Sephiroth, and oddly enough, CLOUD) were forced to work on quickly Mastering the Materia needed to create functioning refrigeration units and fairly weak power circuits.

Most members of the company were confused as to why the CEO had called in certain individuals who seemed to have no relevance to the situation, especially a member of the Wutai Royal family, but once finding out that two of them (being Barret Wallace and Cid Highwind) regularly worked with alternative power sources, it eased their minds knowing there were several available options for the power crisis if the Materia Tech failed.

While the team were mostly there for getting the new power sources up and running, they were also there to tackle the issue of JENOVA

Omael was using every other second of his time that wasn't dedicated to his general work to hunt down the JENOVA specimen that had mysteriously vanished from most records. But as the highly paranoid individual as he was in regards to security (the only other person who had similar paranoia at the same levels as Omael had was Vincent), he kept several backups of the tower computer records, which varied in size over the years.

He had to search back through eight years of backlog to find any mention of the specimen, and was pleased to announce that one decorative statue had been shipped from Nibelheim to Midgar by some labs techs and infantry that were 'discharged from service' mere weeks after the shipment.

One fragment of the body had been transferred to the Gongaga reactor, which had been destroyed after the Greater Gospel rain fell upon the town.

However, that meant there were several other pieces scattered around Gaia, and guess who had to go dig them up?

It was a good thing that the only place such pieces could be kept in (relatively) good condition were the Mako Reactors.

So Cloud and Co. began to prepare for their expedition, under the pretence of inspecting the other reactors and shutting them down (once the pieces of JENOVA had been destroyed, the reactors were worthless).

Vincent stayed in Midgar though, as Keith took it upon himself to go search for the pieces under the Midgar HQ as he had a few . . . issues to settle with the alien lifeform.

Especially about how she had so 'kindly' taken care of his brothers.

(Despite the fact she hadn't done it yet, he still felt like she deserved it).

With Vincent's help, and Cait Sith accompanying them, they descended into the bowels of the SHINRA HQ (Keith noted to revamp the entire place, perhaps a bunker?), and came upon the early stages of DeepGround.

Keith was rather glad Vincent and Cloud had sat him down to explain what DeepGround was.

Once clearing out the few specimens (Keith wished he could resurrect Hollander just to kill him again, dying from falling out a window was too kind for the shitstain), it was simple to find JENOVA's main body, and Keith eagerly tore into the writhing mass of limbs with the strongest Firaga he could muster (which put Genesis' to shame, who do you think taught him?).

Vincent wasn't ashamed to say he had been a little disturbed by the unholy grin on Keith's face as he watched the torso burn, high pitched popping noises breaking the silence and crackling of flames as they watched the alien lifeform crumble into ash. It was quite satisfying dumping buckets of Holy Water onto the blackened stain on the floor, but the best part was to come.

Genesis would have come down with them, but Keith had promptly thrown the auburn haired SOLDIER back into the elevator once reading a few files scattered around the main lab, ordering him to take the subjects they found along with Angeal to the Turks for security reasons.

But he was quite glad he had borrowed Genesis' rapier as he used it to cut the vile head off of JENOVA's torso, and the alien had been speechless as her body had burned.

It then began to screech and scream when Keith advanced on the prone head, Vincent letting Chaos out to play didn't help in the slightest, as the two demons (seriously, Keith was scary when his family was involved) tore into the remainder of the Calamity.

When they both returned to the surface, no one said a word as the two men strode through the lobby covered in ash and dubiously-smelling purple blood.

They were greeted with a quartet of screaming children in adult bodies who wanted their 'Big Brother/Boss'.

 _Which Turk let slip about Cloud's ?_

Keith (once he had wiped the blood from his face), sat them down and explained that their 'Big Brother' would be back once he finished exterminating some pests, and distracted them by asking what their names and their special skills were.

Once mentioning that their Big Brother would be very happy to know they were cooperating, the four eagerly began to talk, and somehow they managed to keep the quartet occupied until Cloud returned.

There had been a young girl who had been found down in the bowels of the building, but seemed to be perfectly fine although a little traumatized, and once she had given her name (Shelke), Omael was able to link her to one of the scientists in his division, whose sister had gone missing a few weeks before Hollander's death. Her older sister Shalua was in absolute tears when Omael informed his younger colleague they had found her sister, and after a few days of observation, she was free to go.

The other four though . . . well they had been down there since they had failed out of the Cadet program due to a technicality, and it was a miracle that they had even remembered their names.

It was rather odd to watch the four teengaers behaving like children, but it became normal after a few days as they waited for Cloud to return from checking Northern Crater for fragments of JENOVA.

At this point, they really didn't want to miss any trace of JENOVA because even a single piece could cause a nightmare.

Keith had tons of experience with younger children, so the company left it up to him to keep the teenagers occupied until Cloud got back, disturbing several employees when they asked why they were alright with Keith and no other adult besides Vincent.

"The mean old lady that kept screaming at us went Boom-Crackle-Pop." Rosso had replied with a blood-chilling grin as Keith played with her hair, combing the red strands with a smirk on his face as the secretary stumbled back with a green tinge to her face. Clearly she recalled how Keith had ash, soot, and purple blood smeared on his cheeks.

The only other adult they had been alright around was Omael, but only when Keith or Vincent were with them. Omael could understand why, as it had been a fellow scientist who had done it to them, and so he discarded his lab coat around them to at least remove one reminder of their time underground.

Cloud was kept up to date on the four's progress (the company referred to them as the Colour Quartet as they preferred to wear certain colours over anything else). Keith had raided Genesis' wardrobe to find something for Rosso until they could make a shopping trip, she enjoyed flouncing about in a red crop top like jacket (apparently it was from Genesis' wilder days). Azul had to borrow some of Angeal's few blue items of clothing, as he was a broad shouldered, muscular build similar to the Banoran born SOLDIER.

Nero practically drowned himself in black, preferring long sleeves and high collared shirts, while Weiss had no qualms in snagging a few of Rufus' suits, that had been left behind when the SHINRA heir left the company.

When Cloud returned, he had to double-take; seeing Weiss in a white suit, Azul in a blue polo shirt and jeans, Nero in a black turtleneck and slacks while having both arms in a black sling, with Rosso bringing up the rear in a stylish red v-neck shirt, burgundy shorts and leggings (she may have borrowed some of Genesis' boots, but he had no need for them anyway).

Keith could see his little brother's surprise at the quartet, eyeing the mechanical arms that emerged from Nero's back, but he did catch the grimace as he knew Cloud had hoped Nero hadn't undergone that operation yet.

Omael had deemed it too risky to remove the mechanical arms, but had high hopes that with a medicine mixture including Holy Water, the damage on Nero's flesh and bone arms might be reversed. If successful, the boy would require muscle therapy, but Nero was just glad to hear he might be able to use his arms without feeling pain in the future.

Cloud was almost bowled over by the quartet, who were babbling so fast that even he strained to understand what they were saying, but once they calmed down (having seen Keith's many expressions, he could copy a decent few), he let them speak one at a time.

It looked like the worst was over for now.

 _Or so they thought._

-o0o-

Mere weeks after the DeepGround and JENOVA fiascos had been settled, another incident occurred.

Angeal had returned from a month long mission from the North, as some monsters had been a bit rabid from the remainders of corrupted mako, and seemed to have caught a bug on the trip back.

At first he had been lethargic; most chalking it up to a cold. This wasn't a big problem; Angeal's last dose of mako had been mixed up with a new drug that had no ill side effects besides a lowered immune system.

However, he didn't get better after a few days, steadily growing more tired and mentioning his back aching.

 _Then, three wings tore free from his back as he was crossing the lobby on his way to request sick-leave._

No one had any idea of what to do (Cloud had only told Keith and Omael about the wings). Sephiroth and Genesis were utterly speechless as Keith scooped Angeal off the floor and yelled for them to fetch Omael, already phoning Cloud, while snapping at the secretary to get an ambulance.

The two SOLDIER's ran all the way to Omael's office, Genesis couldn't speak at all while Sephiroth hastily explained about Angeal and the wings. Omael glanced to Genesis with utter horror before grabbing some files and dashing to the elevator.

Genesis had been the first to have wings; that's how it had started.

But for it to be Angeal?

 _They hadn't anticipated this._

Cloud was beside Angeal, talking to the medic as he was being loaded onto a stretcher, speaking quietly and surely.

Sephiroth blanched as two black, dragon-like wings unfurled from where Cloud normally kept them hidden, quickly spotting the slight twist to the spines and the slight hitch in the joint on one of them.

Genesis was practically a statue as he watched his childhood friend lie in agony on the stretcher, frantic thoughts running through his mind, too shocked to notice Cloud's own wings.

It was decided that Cloud and Omael would go with Angeal, since they had more knowledge on the matter, leaving Keith to wrangle the two shock stricken SOLDIER's back into the building. The blonde janitor tried to not grimace as Genesis silently stared at Angeal blood smeared across his uniform, making a mental note to dispose of this uniform as soon as he had the two younger men sorted out.

After making the two cups of rum spiked hot chocolate, Vincent gave Keith a brief few minutes to go change while he supervised them, giving them silent reassurance that Angeal would be fine.

-o0o-

It was a touch and go situation; Cloud and Omael occasionally contacting them to inform them of Angeal's condition. Keith didn't even protest when Sephiroth curled up against him for comfort, Genesis joining him soon after the next update. Vincent slipped out to fetch chocolate bars, they certainly needed it.

It didn't help when Omael informed them that Angeal had to go into surgery and Cloud had to perform part of it because the doctors had no idea how to get the impacted trio of wings to emerge.

Several Vets also had to be called in, because the impacted wings had been broken in several places when they failed to emerge, and had to have the Doctor's helping them as Cloud pulled them out of the inscions.

They didn't sleep that night, too afraid they would miss a call, terrified for their friend's life, none of them could imagine how Angeal was feeling right now. Thankfully Zack had been out of the city on a mission and had no cell reception to hear the news that Angeal had been taken to hospital.

Then, what seemed to be an eternity later, Cloud had called to inform them of the successful surgery (that had lasted ten hours in total) and that Angeal was (finally) on the mend with a drip of Holy Water.

They couldn't understand why Cloud had cracked up giggling after telling them that Angeal sure was a strong Buster of a Zu.

Not even Keith could answer them.

While they were all relieved to hear Angeal was fine now, they all forgot about one thing . . .

-o0o-

Zack was not pleased to return to find Angeal was in the hospital and none of them had tried to at least contact him to let him know about the situation. He had to find out from some random on the street when he returned, and almost broke a wall when he dashed to the hospital to find Angeal perfectly fine (although with some new appendages) and having visitors.

The Zu comment made a lot more sense when Zack mentioned that Angeal's shiny new wings looked an awful lot like the monsters he'd been sent out to cull, before fainting from the shock of seeing said wings.

Cloud didn't have the heart to tell him that most of SOLDIER would probably end up with something similar, depending on their personality and the mako mixes used on them.

Keith was just fine having his normal human appendages, and was quite glad he had never tried to apply for SOLDIER.

But now Angeal was out of commission and they had that gala coming up . . .

Which meant he had to supervise.

 _Just wonderful, having to look after a bunch of super-humans with access to alcohol._

 ** _It was going to be a nightmare._**

The image of Angeal being flat out on his front with three sets of wings up in uncomfortable braces and casts while he was in seventh heaven due to the amount of drugs in his system? Priceless.

Definitely made up for it.

But first he had to survive looking after the Colourful Quartet who needed to go shopping again.

 _Ah, what was his life right now?_

-o0o-

 ** _OMAKE_**

-o0o-

Keith wanted to cackle right now, even though people would look at him like a lunatic, but it would be worth it.

Cloud had mentioned to him before how he hated shopping for anything other than weapon maintenance or Materia.

So now his little brother could suffer alongside him as they made their way through the shopping district, following four hyped up teenagers with basically unlimited spending money.

Well, not that they knew that, Keith was in charge of the funds, as he was quite selective when it came to price ranges.

But perhaps he could let the kids go a little over budget just to watch Cloud squirm for once.

"So, who wants ice cream?"

Cloud groaned while the kids cheered, already weighed down with several bags full of knick knacks and clothing, a majority of his burden being Nero's as the mechanical arms were a little delicate after their latest inspection (Scarlet was good for something it seemed).

Seeing the mischievous glint in his older brother's eye, Cloud knew Keith was doing this just to mess with him, giving kids ice cream was bad enough, but these four?

It was literally asking for trouble.

It only got worse as they kept going. Azul, despite being his size, got tired quite easily (Keith was still working out a training regime for him). And when he got tired, he got whiny.

It took five minutes of complaining and high pitched whining for Cloud to give up, letting the teen clamber on his back. The only upside to this was Azul was perfectly fine holding a few bags, even though those occasionally hit Cloud in the chest as he walked.

Keith strolled behind them with Rosso and Weiss, Nero preferred Cloud as the older man was smaller, so he was walking next to Cloud. Which meant when he bumped his flesh arms (that were getting better with time, but still quite tender) into a stall by accident and began to cry, Azul started whining that Nero was hurt, giving Cloud one horrendous headache.

Exasperated, Cloud swerved into the nearest store, Nero sniffling as one mechanical limb clutched onto Keith's sleeve, and emerged with a black straight jacket (Midgar was weird; you can find the most oddest of things in the most innocent of stores). Nero was quite pleased that his arms were supported, and wouldn't bang into things (as he had zero motor control of them most of the time), and settled down.

Rosso was the next offender, almost jumping through a rusted grate that dropped all the way down to the slums, as she saw something shiny apparently. Cloud yanked her back and cuffed her upside the ear, lecturing her about safety and recklessness, before pulling out his phone to get the plate maintenance team to sort out the hole as soon as possible.

Kids could get killed that way!

Keith just chuckled, watching his little brother having to deal with the same things he dealt with almost every day.

Then Cloud decided to give the kids an incentive to behave and led them over to a sweet shop.

Keith took one look at the store sign and burst out into laughter, Rosso and Weiss staring up at him in confusion, but he waved them off as he wiped tears of mirth from his eyes while mentioning he had to make a quick stop in a shop nearby.

Leaving Cloud with all four of them.

 **Alone.**

"Alright, Weiss take your twin into the shelves and pick out 500 Gil worth of candy for each of you, and I mean 500 Gil ONLY, you have already had one treat today after all. Rosso, Azul, you two are not going to be picking out anything yourselves. Rosso, you were very reckless and put your life in danger, so think yourself lucky you are getting sweets at all. Azul, instead of informing me you were getting tired and asking to rest, you started complaining about everything and anything you could, just to be annoying. Again, think yourself lucky that you are getting anything here at all, as training is going to be a lot worse than simply walking around the shopping district."

Rosso and Azul pouted, but knew Cloud wouldn't change his mind and so waited outside the shop, the girl poking at the cobblestones with a stick, while Azul hummed a low tune under his breath.

Keith returned minutes later, a nondescript bag tucked under his arms, and began to chuckle as he saw the predicament Cloud was in now.

Weiss, who was normally the best behaved, was clinging to Cloud's arm, almost vibrating, he was bouncing up and down so fast. Nero was staring at his brother in bewilderment, as he had never seen his brother be so energetic and hyper.

Cloud was trying (and horribly failing) to try and calm him down, but with a mixture of ice cream and candy . . .

It was a lost cause.

So Cloud did the one thing he hadn't done in many years, turning to his older brother with a plea of desperation in his eyes.

And who was Keith to deny him?

"Alright, I've got this. Rosso, Azul, help Cloud with the bags. I'll deal with the white rabbit here."

Rosso and Azul compiled, taking about half of the bags from Cloud, who let out a sigh of relief at the burden being lightened, while Keith snagged Weiss by the shoulder and before the boy knew it, he was perched upon Keith's shoulders.

The hyper boy blinked in confusion, but soon was delighted at the new point of view he had been given, giggling in delight (a combination of the sugar and excitement) as Keith declared they would head back to the tower. Nero stared up at his brother, a brief smile flickering on his face as he saw how happy his brother was.

They had all noted how co-dependant the two were, so Keith had no qualms in scooping Nero up in one arm (being mindful of his arms) and set him on one hip. Nero floundered for a second, but found his balance, once mechanical limb snagging Weiss's sleeve.

Cloud didn't even mind when Rosso borrowed his phone to take a picture, the teen putting it back in his pocket as they made their way back to the tower. Weiss spent the rest of his energy babbling about what he could see from his new vantage point to his brother, Nero nodding at Weiss' words.

The passersby couldn't help but coo at the adorable sight, but let the six continue on their way.

It seemed like a good end to a rather tiresome day.

-o0o-

Genesis immediately snapped pictures when they got back, having been the designated scrapbooker in Angeal's absence.

Also, he knew Angeal would kill him if he didn't get a picture of this. Or get the Puppy to.

It didn't help that Sephiroth got rather reminiscent of his own childhood as he vaguely remembered Keith carrying him around on his shoulders or hip, and decided to pester Omael for the baby albums.

Yes, Omael kept baby albums. He needed to document Sephiroth's childhood for Vincent.

Keith was going to enjoy this as much as he could before the gala next week.

Although he had to sort out who could look after the quartet during it . . .

 _Well, that was another problem for another day_

-o0o-

 _A/N: The Tsviets were not planned. Seriously, they weren't. But now they're here and there are more children in the family. It was so fluffy . . . maybe there might be further appearances in the future?_

 _Poor Angeal, we put him through the wringer . . ._

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_

 **Just think Lokir, we need to Gen and Seph next...**


	12. Chp12: Gala's & Ribs

Gala's are a thing that SHINRA is actually good at.

Under new management though, it gets better.

And it turns out Nibelheim has some weird food . . .

-o0o-

 _So this was written before the previous chapter, so if some things do not add up, it's because of that, just a pre-warning!_

 **I thought that it connected quite nicely. The only thing that doesn't is the four new kids, but they wouldn't be in this chapter anyway.**

Disclaimer: All characters recognized belong to their respective franchises.

-o0o-

 _ **Chapter 12: Gala's & Ribs**_

-o0o-

SHINRA was well known for it's extravagent galas, and it was the few times of the year the company actually had proper edible food.

Which was mostly due to the fact they hired actual catering staff from outside the company.

It was one of the few functions that Keith actually enjoyed, all the rest could burn in hell, he was just there for the food.

Now that Cloud had taken over the company, he was expanding the menu a little bit.

And since it was the first gala under Cloud's management, he fed some bullshiit to the press about commemorating the late President's 'long life' as well as a way to explain the company's new direction and name change.

But this gala was a little different than all the others.

For once Angeal, the peacekeeper at every gala, was absent.

Meaning Keith had to supervise.

There was always alcohol involved in these gala's, but not enough that the common SOLDIER could get drunk. Cloud had reached out to his more eccentric contacts who provided a wide variety of liquors and drinks that he knew could certainly get the average SOLDIER wasted.

The gala soon fell into chaos once the stronger shots got given out, and when one SOLDIER who was one drink away from alcohol poisoning almost began to strip (Keith blamed Reno for starting the strip poker), he had to shut the party down.

Cloud was a bit too busy wrangling Zack and a surprisingly smashed Genesis; whom prioritized his appearance over everything else. He rarely ever got drunk in public, so he must have been really letting loose since Angeal wasn't there to rein him in.

Once Keith had shoo-ed the last party goers out the door, he returned to find Zack stuffing at least half of the leftover catering into paper bags, and Genesis was crying while stuffing his face with a plate of noodles.

It seemed that Genesis ate when he was emotional, and he was an emotional drunk.

"Let's visit 'Geal, he's never had ribs before." Zack pleaded.

Genesis lifted his head momentarily and blurted out something about Angeal's family being too poor to afford meat and ribs were totally off the table, before returning to his plate of mismatched dishes.

Cloud merely grimaced when the ribs were mentioned.

Once Genesis had decided he had eaten enough of the leftovers (Zack somehow convincing him to take a doggy bag as well, the pyromaniac giggling at the word 'doggy bag', muttering how amusing it was that a puppy was talking about doggy bags), Cloud and Keith had to ensure that the two of them didn't get hit by a car (to be fair, the car would receive more damage than they would) on the way to the hospital to visit Angeal.

The reason why Angeal wasn't being treated in the tower was due to the saturation of Mako in the building, and right now, him being around Mako would do more harm than good considering his . . . condition.

The poor man had ended up getting his degradation triggered earlier than scheduled due to a mix up involving an experimental drug and an inexperienced lab techie.

 _(It was always the lab technicians)._

Holy Water created from the Great Gospel had already been put aside to treat both Angeal and Genesis (whom was supposed to be the one treated first according to what Cloud had told Keith), so that wasn't an issue.

The major issue was the reason why Angeal only had three wings on one side during the first timeline.

Turns out, he was supposed to have three full sets of wings.

The three one one side emerged cleanly (or as cleanly as having three wings rip out of your back could be) but the other side . . .

The doctors drew comparisons to impacted teeth.

"Do you think Angeal will be able to stand the sight of food right now?" Keith asked Cloud, after having drug Genesis away from the street for the fifth time, whom was wrangling a pouting Zack whom had almost chased after a cat three minutes ago.

"Yeah, he got out of surgery just fine yesterday. And if he's anything like mine turned out, he should be awake and hungry by now.

"I'm not sure if these will be . . . acceptable." Keith muttered as he eyed the four bags Zack had been carrying, he was sure there were at least seven different dishes mixed together inside one bag alone, and he had not a clue about the other's as he had been busy with a 2nd Class who was insistent on singing one last song. He really didn't want to know what they would taste like; a good majority of the food had been marinated or had been covered in various sauces.

"If he's as hungry as I think he's gonna be, we might not have enough. Goddess knows I ate three Nibel Wolves and I'm not sure just how cooked they were at the time, Vincent wouldn't say. I did remember asking for Dragon meat at one stage, but most of that week of recovery is fuzzy."

Keith just shrugged and made a noncommittal noise, he didn't have wings so he couldn't judge Cloud for his choices in food.

-o0o-

Angeal got a little teary eyed when Zack dumped the doggy bags onto a table.

The nurse on hand whispered that Angeal was a little loopy from the drugs still in his system, only Cloud and Keith took note of that as both Genesis and Zack were eagerly trying to explain what each dish was. Keith was quite surprised that they had somehow snuck actual plates out of the gala as well, along with utensils that they were using to precisely pick out each dish to put onto said plates.

There was a variety of noodles (Keith loved the Wutain place they ordered those from), spicy chicken kebabs, mini pies, some veggie stir fried dish and somehow even some stew (Cloud was baffled as to where Zack had found the small styrofoam box for it).

Keith had still been quite hungry from wrangling all the drunks, so Cloud made no comment when he snagged a few kebabs and rice from the mix.

The last dish to be placed down, was the Nibel-Style Peppered Wolf Spare Ribs.

None of them were expecting Angeal to exclaim "THERE'S RIBS IN THIS!" and burst into tears.

 _Happy tears though, I swear._

Then Cloud had to ruin it.

"You sure it's not human?"

Silence befell the room for at least a minute before Angeal let out a gasp of horror and almost threw the ribs out the window.

Genesis managed to save the dish while Zack looked at his blonde superior with a look of complete and utter dismay on his face.

"Why would someone cook up a human?!"

"Haven't you heard of the term 'cannibalism' Zack?" Cloud raised an eyebrow, gesturing to the plate of ribs and looking towards Keith. "They look like human ribs, don't they?" Keith just nodded in agreement.

"There is a reason that those from Nibelheim always made their own recipe, and only ever ate Ribs if they had prepared them personally. Too easy to slip someone, something else instead of Wolf. In small towns, well . . . those who hold grudges can get quite vindictive."

Keith shuddered as he remembered the one time he had been desperate enough to swipe Mayor Lockharts Ribs. The man ran him out of town for a week but he rained hell on them the moment he made sure it was safe to return. Contaminating the town's water supply with wolf feces had been a bit of a dick move though.

Genesis looked over at Keith, looked at the dish in his hands, then his eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed.

Ah, he forgot how queasy Genesis could get regarding these sort of things.

Zack made a faint squeaking noise before passing out as well, leaving a bewildered nurse, two Nibelheim raised lunatics, and one high off his rockers Angeal to stare at the two SOLDIER's sprawled on the hospital room floor.

"Are these really human ribs?" Angeal questioned, apparently becoming level headed once Zack was out of commission.

"Probably not. The catering service Cloud hired are highly recommended and adding human ribs to their menu would put off potential customers. Me and Cloud just don't like it. We hunted down some Kalm Fangs that were causing trouble, and gave the Strife family recipe over in order to get the discount. The caterers probably didn't realise the superstition us Nibelheimer's have over the dish. To be fair, there are urban legends around Nibelheim to back-up the superstition, which probably suggests it's been done in the past. Cloud doesn't find it spicy enough, while I hate the breadcrumb coating, so it's not like we'd eat it in any case." Keith confirmed, Angeal had already been through enough and he didn't want to stress the man out any more than he already was.

Angeal gave the ribs a tentative look, and decided to save it for later. The food wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

-o0o-

 ** _OMAKE_**

-o0o-

Zack and Genesis could never look at ribs in the same way again, adopting the same superstition that Cloud and Keith shared.

The SOLDIERs that heard the story, ended up doing the same.

The caterers were just confused as to why their most popular item with the SOLDIER crowd suddenly became the most hated.

Cloud and Keith just enjoyed their ribs in secret, even though they had to prepare the animal from scratch; it was worth it in the end. Thanks to the superstition; no one dared to touch their food.

Food was always an issue when you lived with SOLDIERs.

-o0o-

 _A/N: So this chapter was basically spawned because my parents and brother came back from a birthday party and they made me a doggy bag, well . . . doggy plate really. It had a bunch of stuff on it, and while me and Chaos were writing up a chapter, I started telling about what was on the plate and at some point went:_ **OH MY GAIA I FOUND RIBS IN THIS PLATE.**

 _Chaos asked me if they were chicken, I said normal ribs, as I don't normally eat these sort of foods, and Chaos went:_

 **...**

 **it isn't human...**

 **is it?**

 _I replied:_ _ **I think it's beef**_

 ** _Not human_**

 ** _Nope_**

 _And it lead to this._

 _So, I hope you've enjoyed, and seriously, always check what kind of ribs your eating. They could be human._

 ** _Just kidding though!_**

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_

 **The difference between Beef, Pork, and Human rib bones are minimal by sight alone. That's the joke, here.**


	13. Chp13: Sugar Shenanigans

Making the Choco-Kick Meteors was a fun process for Keith and Cloud, but very, very stressful on the Nibelheim villagers.

-o0o-

 _A reviewer wanted to see Cloud on a sugar high, and so this chapter was spawned._

 _Cloud is terrifying when he's on a sugar high and not supervised._

Disclaimer: I own none of the recognized characters, they belong to their respective owners.

-o0o-

 ** _Chapter 13: Sugar Shenanigans_**

-o0o-

"STRIFE! I TOLD YOU TO KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR DAMN KID!"

"PUT A SOCK IN IT GRETCHENS! YOUR WIFE'S CHEATING ON YOU WITH THE BUTCHER; YOU'RE SO DAMN DENSE!"

Cloud and Keith just cracked up as they watched Mama Strife put the grocer in his place, everyone knew his wife was cheating on him, the man was just so focused on his work and his wife suffered from neglect. Which the butcher was quite happy to remedy.

However, the weekly shouting match was earlier as . . . Coud and Keith had been messing with sugar again.

Perhaps lobbing snowballs at the grocers head every five minutes was a bit too much . . .

Keith quickly glanced over to Cloud, who had taken half a dose of their latest batch (Keith ate his half first of course in case something had gone wrong). Keith was slowly coming off the sugar high, but Cloud with his smaller body was still going strong.

The four year old was grinning like a loon, already preparing another bunch of snowballs to lob at unsuspecting victims.

They didn't have much time to experiment with the candy as Keith was planning to journey to Midgar in the coming months, and so the two of them have delved into their sugar experiments. Mama Strife was thrilled about the idea, and as long as Keith supervised Cloud during the aftereffects, she was fine with them consuming copious amounts of sugary madness.

They didn't know the extent of the changes Cloud had gone through, but what was evident was the fact that he needed a LOT more calories than a normal human.

So far the sugar rush was going alright, although they both agreed it had to be toned down a bit.

They were both sitting up on one of the villagers roofs (which was inaccessible unless you were both strong and nimble), and no one bothered to look up so they were sitting pretty.

Until there was a horrendous shriek of agony coming from near the house, and going by the voice it was . . .

"Ah, crap. I think Fletcher found our failed batch."

The pompous brat of the blacksmith who always wanted to know what the heck they were up to in the little shed they had claimed as their workroom. They had decent locks that only they knew how to pick, but knowing how persistent Fletcher was, he probably borrowed his dad's tools to break in.

Mama Strife knew exactly where they perched all the time, so they weren't surprised to see her standing in the street and giving them a subtle signal (they made up their own signals that confused the heck out of the villagers) to hide out for a few hours.

"C'mon Cloud, let's go hang out with the dragons for a few hours. I promised to visit anyway." The villagers didn't dare approach the dragons caves, mostly because they were smart enough to realise that was a suicidal move, especially during nesting season, but that didn't apply to the two young blondes of the town.

The two of them were halfway up the mountain when they heard the blacksmith bellowing in outrage once Fletcher was found, but Cloud forgot all about the trouble they were going to be in once the little drakes came tumbling out to greet them.

-o0o-

Fletcher had to get most of his teeth removed.

The ten year old returned from Rocket Town with a new set of false teeth and a permanent twitch when he even smelt something sugary

When Keith and Cloud came down from the mountain, the blacksmith had been begging the mayor to kick the two out of the town, but Keith just gave said mayor a toothy grin and his eyes glittered, as if daring the man to even try. Cloud knew when to pretend, so he just blinked at Mayor Lockhart with his adorable blue eyes as he hid behind Keith's legs.

The first time this sort of incident had happened, Keith of course pretended it was all his idea and Cloud wanted to help him. Plus Keith subtly mentioned if the candy ever kicked off, Nibelheim might get the occasional tourist . . .

 _While this had been the most harmful incident so far, it wasn't going to be the last._

-o0o-

The blacksmith was yet again a victim of the sugar rush with batch #20, Cloud managing to persuade Keith into helping him 'borrow' some materials for projects, and during a busy afternoon the two of them slipped in and snagged some sheets of metal, tools and ore.

Keith had a god stash of Fira materia, so they already had a heat source.

It turned out tungsten steel, dragon scales and iron ore exposed to an open flame created quite an explosive mix.

Keith managed to grab Cloud and throw them both out of range, but a few trees got scorched as a result.

One even toppled over and crushed some of the wolf traps that the hunters placed around the mountain (and those were usually quite expensive).

The town thought it was a dragons doing (it smelt of brimstone thanks to the scales), and so they noted that batch #20 lowered one's self preservation.

-o0o-

Batch #23 was by far the worst.

Cloud stood in the town square for an hour, with a completely blank expression on his face, literally vibrating on the spot and freaking the fuck out of the townsfolk to the point they begged for Keith to do something.

Keith merely pulled out the list, muttering "Right, cross Mako out of the additive list." before slinging Cloud over his shoulder and heading back to their workshop.

-o0o-

They didn't even try to sample batch #25 when it ate a hole through the floor.

Although they noted down it was a good corrosive agent if they ever needed to break into a building.

-o0o-

By the time they got to batch #30, Keith to to leave for Midgar, Cloud promised to report to him the results of each batch, and Vincent was nearby if need be.

The moment the town found out Cloud was making more batches, without Keith, they began to panic.

-o0o-

It took a month before before one of the townsfolk were desperate enough to ask Mama Strife for Keith's phone number, and when told of the reason why, Mama Strife had to laugh.

Keith told them exactly what he thought, and to stick it where the sun don't shine, before hanging up.

Cloud was currently on batch No. 55. And it seems he had found a winner.

There was just one problem.

Cloud had forgotten he was still only about 5 years old. And had formed the new candy into _adult sized doses_.

It was _absolute mayhem_.

Every house had the roof decorated with greenery, the square had a ten foot tall tree in the middle that was covered in snow, there was rain in the eastern slopes (Vincent look surprised when he saw it and muttered something about the Cetra and Limit Breaks) and all manor of pranks and non-lethal boobytraps were strewn around the town streets.

Cloud was just a blur, he was moving so fast. He could trigger a trap, and be well out of range when said trap sprung. He was also fast enough to reset the sprung traps so that more people could fall victim to them.

No one could move an inch without setting off something.

Keith was absolutely thrilled to get photos from Mama Strife of Cloud's shenanigans, and he printed them all out to save in a photo album. When asked about said pictures, he explained they were his little brother's doing, but of course no one believed him.

When Cloud sent him a sample though, no one could understand why someone would steal the metal shavings from the blacksmith's shop. Those coincidentally became miniature explosive devices that Keith put to use when he crossed the Kalm Plains.

He always kept a good amount of dragon scale on him (it came quite in handy for bartering), so he made a decent amount that lasted him all the way to Midgar.

-o0o-

 _Eventually, they were named Choco-Kick Meteors courtesy of Mama Strife._

 _However, at the time of their completion, neither Keith nor Cloud realised how instrumental their little experimentation would be in taking over SHINRA in the future._

-o0o-

 _A/N: And another update done. I've got a pretty full work week coming, so I shall enjoy my last day off tomorrow before a full work week._

 _I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter, and until next time._

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_


	14. Chp14: Beaches And Burns

The Tsviets get a chance to see the ocean.

And someone finally finds a way to relax.

-o0o-

 _So, this started out because I went walking around the area, found a smaller beach and spent wayyy to much time taking pictures and thought, I wonder if the Tsviets had ever seen the ocean._

 _Which lead to this._

 **This is one of three we ended up starting, if it wasn't for Lokir's internet problems.**

Disclaimer: Any characters you recognize belong to their respective franchises.

-o0o-

 ** _Chapter 14: Beaches And Burns_**

-o0o-

"So . . . who's up for a vacation?"

The Tsviets practically screeched with delight, while Sephiroth and Keith both groaned at the fact they were going to lose more work hours.

Cloud merely raised an eyebrow as he looked at the two workaholics; Sephiroth hunched over his desk while Keith just rolled his eyes.

Somehow the Tsviets enjoyed staying in Sephiroth's office, as it had the best view, and they liked to drag Keith along because they liked badgering him.

"It's been at least four months since you had that vacation, and I need to go check the Junon base anyway." Cloud continued, ignoring how Sephiroth was steadily getting paler (he had learnt something quite interesting during that last vacation, and getting back into his uniform after that had been quite painful).

The Tsviets were looking at the two of them with eager eyes, the four of them had never seen a beach (living underground for gods knows how many years would do that to a person), Sephiroth could ignore the puppy eyes, but Keith . . . he may have a slight weakness to them. Especially when it's from traumatized kids.

"Fine . . . but it's only for two days maximum."

The last time Keith had been absent from the company without warning and prior arrangements, they found that two days was the limit before the building fell into chaos. They had learned their lesson and everytime Keith had to leave for a few days, he had to spend at least a week to prepare his staff for his absence.

"Two days should be enough." Cloud grinned, already pulling out his PHS to make the arrangements.

-o0o-

They were thirty minutes into the trip, and already Sephiroth was wanting to go back and work.

Keith was doing better than the General, but they all notice how he kept reaching for his phone with twitching fingers.

Weiss was trying to keep Keith distracted by hanging onto his arm and chatting away, Azul just leant against Sephiroth who was attempting to sleep to pass the time.

Somehow during the planning process, Genesis had decided to invite himself; dragging Angeal along with him (and the Puppy in the process). Angeal was not happy with his friend, but once hearing the trip was mostly for the Tsviets, he admitted the idea wasn't a bad one.

Cid of course was the reason they had transport, the tea drinking pilot was chatting away with Cloud at the helm, curse words strewn in every sentence. Keith was doing his best to shield Weiss and Nero's ears from the language, but Rosso was a lost cause already, and Cloud merely shrugged and mentioned Marlene and Denzel knowing worse at that age.

At least two or three hours passed before they finally docked in Junon, exiting onto the landing strip that was the first thing Cloud had built on the base as there were only helipads. Cid was getting a lot more business thanks to this, so no one was complaining.

Cloud and Angeal went off to sort out the business side of things (Sephiroth was forbidden and Cloud needed a SOLDIER with him at least), so that left Keith to drag the rest of them off to the hotel.

In Sephiroth's case, that was literal.

-o0o-

"I hate this trip."

Keith merely stared at his little brother, who was scowling as they browsed the swimsuit section of the clothing store.

Midgar didn't exactly have a selection of swimwear given its central location on the continent, so the only place one could buy such items was on the coast. Rosso was already elbow deep into the clothing racks, accompanied by Genesis who insisted on finding something for Sephiroth since said man was refusing to even search.

Cloud had messaged them earlier and was going to meet them for lunch, which meant Keith was stuck supervising the lot of them.

He had wasted no time, grabbing a pair of board-shorts and a short sleeved button up shirt, before letting the rest run free. Nero and Weiss lingered by his side, watching as Rosso and Genesis practically tear the store apart looking for the 'perfect' outfit. Zack had brought his own swimwear (from previous failed vacations in Costa del Sol), and Angeal had asked Keith to get him something reasonable.

Angeal was the most modest of the lot, so Keith had found a pair of dark green board-shorts and a shirt for the man, although finding one in Angeal's size was a little hard since he was quite broad shouldered, along with his muscular body frame.

The next thing he knew, Cloud was on the phone.

" _Rosso sent me the pictures, and I am NOT going to allow anyone to get away with THAT. We are here to have fun, and maybe get some sun. The most modest things I'll allow are the Mumbles. And that outfit of yours better be white if you're keeping it._ "

"Light blue. White goes horribly with my skin tone." Keith retorted, glaring at Rosso who just grinned impishly as she browsed the shawl section.

" _White, or I'm ripping it first chance I get. We don't burn, so you have no excuse. If you were related to our resident vampire then maybe I would have considered, but you aren't so I'm not. Mako takes care of most of that stuff anyway_."

Keith's left eye twitched, he couldn't believe he was arguing over colour choices. It was the most absurd conversation he had ever had, and he had gone through a lot over the years (stupid telemarketers).

Why didn't he drag Vincent along with them?

-o0o-

 _Back in Midgar, Vincent sneezed. The new Turk recruits quickly averted their eyes when he glared at them._

-o0o-

An hour later, they all finally exited the shop, Rosso grinning victoriously, and Keith was ready to murder someone. He thought Genesis was bad, but Rosso was a whole other story.

When they met Cloud at the designated cafe, no one could blame him for kicking Cloud's chair out from under him. The blonde CEO just grinned from where he was sprawled on the ground. It was better to get it over with now then let it escalate, Cloud had learned that during his childhood.

Keith continued to sulk throughout lunch, muttering under his breath as he decimated his burger and chips, Zack giving the blonde janitor a few concerned looks but Cloud waved it off with a smile. It was best to just let Keith get it out of his system.

The Tsviets wanted to hit the beach immediately, Cloud had 'conveniently' booked their rooms in the hotel that was closest to the beach, so the adults were practically dragged along since the Tsviets were so excited.

The younger members of their party were dressed in minutes, Angeal took longer but Keith came out last. He looked very disgruntled as he tugged a thin zip up hoodie over his shoulders, and remained silent the entire five minute walk to the beach.

Junon had apparently learnt that they could make a ton of money off the tourists as the Junon beaches were a bit more calmer than Costa del Sol, so there were lockers for people to store their stuff for a fee. Better than to have someone steal valuables lying around on the sand.

The four teenagers almost threw themselves into the water, but Angeal and Keith yanked them back to remind them about sunscreen.

 _Something that they all forgot about several hours later._

-o0o-

"Looks like they're having fun. Not going to join them?"

Keith glowered at Genesis (who had been on Cloud's side with the swimsuit debate), the auburn haired man grinning, the towel slung over his shoulders gradually getting damp as his hair dripped seawater.

"I rather enjoy the sun. You don't get much of that in Midgar." Keith muttered as he slunk further into his chair, Sephiroth made no comment from where he was slumped in his own chair (Keith was pretty sure the General was napping). Cloud and Zack were entertaining the teens while Angeal had gone off to find ice for the cooler.

"Your loss." Genesis shrugged, dropping his towel on an empty chair and turning back to the water. However, he faltered midstep, and there was no way Keith didn't miss the smirk growing on the man's face.

"Although, the longer you stay seated, the more attention you might get." Keith blanched at Genesis' words, bolting upright and finally noticing that, those imaginary stares? Weren't just imaginary.

"You've got to be kidding me . . ." Keith sighed, he wasn't in the mood for flirtations (he was aware he had a decent physique, but he was always busy with work so relationships weren't his top priority).

During his mutterings, Keith hadn't noticed how Rosso and Weiss had left the water.

"Uncle Boom, come and swim! The water's great!" Rosso exclaimed, the two teens grabbing his arms and dragging him towards the ocean.

Seeing how the two were so happy, he couldn't put a damper on their spirit, so Keith gave up resisting.

"Give me a sec." The two teens whooped with joy and gave a thumbs up to Azul and Nero, who were watching from the water. Keith quickly pulled the light blue shirt off and tossed it onto his chair, leaving him in the rather tight white shorts and flip flops.

Once the footwear was kicked off, he decided he might as well have a little fun while he could.

Rosso and Weiss screeched when he hoisted the two over his shoulders, their screeches turning into laughter as he jostled them before heading towards the water.

A day out on the beach with the family wasn't a bad idea after all.

-o0o-

"It's nice to see him loosen up."

Sephiroth peered up from under the book he was using to cover his face, noticing the soft smile on Genesis' face as he watched Keith throw the two Tsviets into the waves. His older brother had been stressed ever since JENOVA has been disposed off, even after destroying the last remnant himself, his shoulders tensed as he tried to juggle the Tsviets and work at the same time.

Cloud was able to read his big brother better than Sephiroth could, and for once, he was glad that someone else other than just him and Omael knew when Keith was at his breaking point. Even if that meant he had to postpone work.

"You're not going back in?" Sephiroth questioned as Genesis plopped down into a chair, pushing his wet fringe back just as Angeal returned with the ice.

"I think I'll enjoy the sun like 'Uncle Boom' suggested. It's been a while since I've had any, and I'm dreadfully pale these days."

Sephiroth took a once over of Genesis, and scoffed under his breath.

"Yes, you're practically 'lily-white'."

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Genesis almost fell out of his chair as he shot up, Sephiroth just snickered and tried to go back to sleep. Angeal just chuckled at Genesis' behaviour as he filled the cooler with the ice.

"You're practically pasty, patsy."

-o0o-

Cloud glanced up as he heard an angry shriek coming from the shore, and it was to no surprise that he saw Genesis tackling Sephiroth out of his chair, the silver General letting out a yelp as the two tumbled into the sand.

Not that he blamed Sephiroth for screeching, the sand was baking hot.

"What'd Seph say?" Keith asked, toting Rosso on his shoulders while Zack had Weiss. The Puppy had suggested a game of chicken, Rosso climbing Keith like a tree before declaring war on Weiss. Cloud had to supervise Nero, who had some motor function back in his arms, but he could only use them for a certain amount of time before he got tired.

The teen was just happy to float on the surface with a mechanical arm latched onto Cloud's wrist. Thankfully the mechanical arms had been made waterproof once Scarlet and Reeve took a look at them, they had a few different versions in the works, since Nero's current ones were a little too bulky for his frame.

"Made a comment on Genesis being pale." Cloud replied, watching as Rosso and Keith toppled Weiss from Zack's shoulders for the fourth time. Weiss went down with a shriek and dragged Zack down with him, the two spluttering as they emerged from the water.

Cloud was lucky that Azul just wanted to paddle around with Nero.

"Big Brother? I think 'Geal needs some help breaking Gen and Big Bro up." Nero murmured, gaining Cloud's attention to the two grown ass men trying to wrestle each other into the sand on the shore.

"Ah . . . we probably should help."

Sand in one's mouth was not the nicest sensation, one that he was sure Genesis was about to find out about.

-o0o-

The impromptu match between Sephiroth and Genesis was cut short when Cloud managed to drag the General off his fellow SOLDIER, who was similarly held back by Angeal.

It took Keith dragging the two idiots into the water to get the fight to stop, Rosso and Weiss were a little too eager to splash them in the face.

That started a water war, and in the process . . .

They forgot to reapply sunscreen.

-o0o-

 ** _*Here comes the booze*_**

-o0o-

 _Five hours later_

"Everything hurts."

No one had the heart to laugh at Sephiroth's pain, his normally ivory pale skin was lobster red, the General could barely walk without his sunburnt skin causing him agony. His long hair wasn't helping, the wet mop of silver was pasted to his back. Cloud had tried to peel it off, but Sephiroth had let out a horrendous shriek causing Cloud to hastily drop the silver strands.

Azul was in the same predicament, although he wasn't as burning red as Sephiroth was. Genesis had decided the two of them were done for the day, and was taking them back to the hotel. The Crimson Commander had gained a healthy tan himself (his skin was almost dark brown), but given he and Angeal had been born and raised in Banora, he was safe from sunburn.

Cloud would follow after them once stopping by a pharmacy, as he had a homemade remedy for sunburn, Nero and Weiss would go with him. Leaving Rosso, Zack, Angeal and Keith to grab the rest of their things.

Cloud's skin had gone a dark gold, which went surprisingly well with his colouring. Zack (being a Gongagan native) had no trouble with the sun, proudly proclaiming how his natural tan had returned. Angeal affirmed it, having seen said tan when his student had been a new cadet. Rosso was gleeful to note she had the same colour, causing the two to wonder if she was from Gongaga herself. The burly First though, was the darkest of the lot, his skin almost black with a clear orangish tint. Someone was going to have a heart attack when they returned to Midgar, probably the Keepers of Honour.

Nero and Weiss had somehow gained the exact same colouring as Cloud, both grinning in delight that they had the same skin colour as their Big Brother.

Keith though, his light olive tan had now become a rich olive tone, causing Weiss to ask why their Uncle didn't have the same tan as their Big Brother, weren't they from the same village?

That lead to Keith explaining how he wasn't born in Nibelheim, actually, he had no idea where he was from, but he had lived in the mountain town since he was four. That left him in a solemn mood, and somehow on the way back to the hotel, he got distracted.

The teens were too worried about Azul and Sephiroth to notice, and the rest of them just wanted to wash the sand off.

-o0o-

"OH DEAR GAIA IT BURNS!"

"SUCK IT UP! YOU ONLY HAVE TO LAST UNTIL THE STINGING STOPS!"

Azul whimpered as he watched Sephiroth's reaction to Cloud's 'remedy', knowing that he had to undergo the same treatment.

"This is the one time I hate having enhanced senses." Sephiroth groaned as Cloud dumped another bucket full of oil infused water over his back, the edges of the bathtub were close to cracking from where his fingers dug into the plastic.

"Look at it this way; You want to have your burn stinging for about 15-20 minutes, or about four fucking weeks?"

" . . . . . I'll take minutes please."

-o0o-

The hotel did provide room service, so they ended up eating their respective dinners in their rooms.

It was only until it was time for bed did they notice something.

"Um, Big Brother?"

Cloud was confused as to why Azul was at the door, but answered him all the same.

"Something wrong?"

"Ah, Uncle Boom . . . he, he's not in the room?"

Now the Cloud thought about it, the last place they had seen Keith was at the beach . . .

Given how some of the beach goers had been looking at his big brother, he had an idea of what had happened. Keith didn't really have a preference (or so he was aware of), so he probably was going to filch some free drinks from the suckers.

"Uncle Boom is probably just looking around town for stuff. He'll be fine, I know he had his things, I can always call him if need be. And I have his room keys. You can bunk with me and Rosso tonight though."

Azul gave him a smile before rushing back to his room for his sleepwear, and Cloud pulled out his phone.

Best to just check on Keith though . . .

It took six dials until Keith picked up, Cloud could hear music pounding in the background, and Keith sounded like he was shouting.

 _"Hey Cloud! Sorry for ditching, but some blokes wanted to buy me a few drinks!"_

"That's fine, Azul was just worried."

 **"** ** _Whose Azul?"_**

 _"Nephew."_

 ** _"Huh, how'd we get through half the vodka?"_**

 **"You drank like two cups dude! Mountain boy here drank the rest!"**

 ** _"The hell we get pineapple premix vodka -"_** _"Pineapple premix vodka mishka. Appropriate, no?"_

 **"Sounds fruity."**

 _"I am! Thanks for noticing!"_ "Keith, how many drinks have you had?"

 _"I dunno. This is the what, third- "_

 **"Fourth."**

 _"Fourth bar I've hit."_

"Don't overdo it."

 _"I'm gonna have to hang up Cloud, there's a round of shots going round!"_

Cloud just stared at his beeping phone.

He was starting to regret letting Keith loose in Junon.

-o0o-

Keith returned the next morning with a police officer in tow.

Luckily the teens were sleeping in, exhausted from yesterday's swimming, so only Genesis, Angeal, and Cloud were there to witness what happened next.

"Keith . . . why is a police officer escorting you?" Angeal sounded very concerned, Keith's appearance was a bit haggard and he had a much too large shirt around his shoulders.

"Um . . . I may have landed eight different guys in jail? In my defense, I told them I wasn't interested in anything more than drinking . . ."

The officer behind Keith coughed and Cloud took the paper the police officer held out.

It turned out Keith had hopped between twenty different bars, getting free drinks from both men and women who thought they could get lucky. Eight men got arrested for attempted sexual assault, each at different bars. Two were in the hospital for broken bones as Keith was a little tipsy and couldn't control his strength as well as he normally could. But the police officer said the guys had it coming, they were on record for this sort of stuff before, and hopefully their brush with Keith would get them to straighten their behaviour.

In fact, Keith did them a bit of a service, but Cloud was wondering where on earth Keith had gotten the shirt from.

In answer, Keith just grinned and mentioned how the officers were very. . . accommodating, lighting up a cigarette and letting out a cloud of smoke with a blissful sigh. The officer had long since departed, and as Keith leaned against the balcony (the only place he could smoke), none of them missed the distinct teeth marks when the shirt slipped off his shoulders.

As much as Cloud loved his big brother, he did not need to know those details.

-o0o-

 ** _OMAKE_**

-o0o-

Cloud began to notice that after their trip to Junon (and after the fiasco that was the SOLDIER fans reaction to the new tans), Keith spent an awful lot of time on his phone.

And when an executive needed to visit Junon for a security check, Keith practically dove upon the request.

He was stopping by Keith's office to give a folder containing the security measures, but faltered at the door when he heard his brother on the phone.

"I'll be dropping by Junon in a week, so . . . do you have any off days?"

The metal door prevented Cloud from hearing the person's reply, but he sure as hell heard Keith's.

"Great, I'll see you then Shiro. Oh, and let Lance know too, you promised to show me a bar I didn't hit. How many bars does Junon have?"

But after the next sentence, Cloud dropped the folder and ran.

"Oh, you mean one of _those_ clubs~"

 **HE SERIOUSLY DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT.**

-o0o-

 _A/N: Soooo . . . if anyone sees the reference I made . . . yeah, Keith left Junon with a few souvenirs . . . On a side note, the booze comment? I started drinking fizzy and Chaos broke out the vodka. Somehow the sugar high and vodka escalated the plot into Keith getting laid._

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_

 **I don't remember half of what I prompted again... Must of drunk it too fast.**


	15. Chp15:Games&DrinksMeanUnveiledSecrets

The aftermath of the tans . . .

And secrets get spilled over alcohol.

-o0o-

 _This happened because of notes made in the process of writing the previous chapter, and it became a game of how horrified can Keith make the others, while Cloud just ended up making it worse._

 **The third part won't be up for awhile. We also have an 'intermission' of sort for the fourth part.**

Disclaimer: Any character you recognize belong to their respective franchises.

-o0o-

 _ **Chapter 15: Games And Drinks Mean Unveiled Secrets**_

-o0o-

The trip to Junon caused many tears and much screaming.

It seems that many of the SOLDIER Elite fans took pictures after spotting them at the hotel . . .

The Silver Elite wailed over Sephiroth's sunburn, but many agreed the freckles he now sported were . . . kind of cute? Then the anime fans got involved when someone mentioned how the General reminded her of a certain fire fruit pirate, and that started a whole new fan war. A picture of Seph's embarrassed grin got around and ended up being photoshopped to change his hair and eye colour. Seph then had to deal with people asking if he had a D. in his name (which, come on, would be perfect for Cloud, and yes, he was an anime fan, alright!?).

Obviously Sephiroth was not amused.

Angeal was rather fond of the nickname he received from his fans (the most respectable of the fan clubs), Chocolate Orange. Which was rather fitting given his new skin tone. And he did like orange flavoured chocolate, which his fans started to gift him in the few gifts baskets that made it past security.

Genesis pouted over his nickname, Caramel Apple. While he was a fan of caramel apples, he didn't want to have to think of them everytime he looked at his skin. And he already had a fridge full of caramel apples and no one to foist them off to. He started to leave them out in the break rooms because he was getting so many.

Weiss, Nero, Azul and Rosso had no idea of what they had started, but they enjoyed the chaos that erupted in the tower all the same.

Keith though, he could now be more often found in his office (his staff were delighted to see he wasn't overworking himself like usual), talking over the phone while completing paperwork. He was more stress free than he had ever been, something more people commented on when he snapped at people less.

The executives were bewildered, but decided to enjoy this while it lasted.

However, things of course became more stressful in the tower once the materials found in the Deepground labs were finally clear to be processed, meaning those closely involved had to read through them.

This meant, the First Class SOLDIER's, Vincent, Omael (they needed a scientist for this stuff obviously), Cloud and Keith. They weren't going to let the Tsviets see hide or hair of this stuff, they had finally gotten the teens relaxed, and this would only set them off again.

After two weeks of going through hellish mounds of experiments reports, video files and folders, Zack called on the right for a game break. It was a system that Zack and Reno had come up with when the SOLDIERs got too stressed, and it normally involved; board games, cards, and booze.

In this case, Zack bypassed the board games to go straight for the cards and booze.

It started out with poker, which escalated into strip poker.

Somehow in the end, Cloud ended up only in his vest and boxers, Zack had Cloud's half-apron along with his own pants. Sephiroth had lost his leather jacket, leaving him in his leather pants and his boots were currently who-knows-where. Omael had only lost his lab coat, but had gained Vincent's demonic cloak (Vincent did not suit white). Angeal had nothing but his shoulder guards (they were still working on a new uniform), Genesis had lost his coat to the betting pool.

Keith though, was grinning like a loon as he wore Sephiroth's coat (the sleeves bunched up slightly) and had Vincent's headband looped around his neck. His janitor's uniform was unzipped and hanging around his waist.

Then someone spoke up.

"How about Never Have I Ever?"

"Which version?" Keith piped up, a little too eager as he was feeding off the high of winning.

"Drinking version." Cloud pulled out a very familiar crate from under a desk ("How long has that been there?" "Long enough."), setting it down in front of them and cracking a bottle open.

"So . . ." An impish grin growing on Cloud's lips "Who's starting?"

-o0o-

"Never Have I Ever . . . stolen from an orchard!"

Angeal glared at Genesis while taking a sip from the bottle of whiskey (they were starting out light apparently), as his friend was fully aware of his thievery in Banora.

It was Omael's turn, and a grin grew on his face as he thought up a question.

"Never Have I Ever . . . convinced a drunk friend to get tattoos!"

Keith rolled his eyes but took a swig all the same.

"I made sure you had an awesome tattoo though, you can't say it wasn't worth it."

"Never Have I Ever . . . Given a friend a false treasure hunt."

"It was better than the ones she usually went on! Less dangerous too." Cloud grimaced.

Keith took a moment to think up a question, his eyes lighting up as he had an idea.

"Never Have I Ever . . . Given a ten year old a firearm."

Vincent winced, taking a swig while the rest just stared at the Turk (well, Omael already knew), coughing slightly before putting the bottle back down.

"Never Have I Ever . . . Set a warehouse on fire."

Genesis let out a mortified screech at this, betrayal on his face as Angeal grinned triumphantly, but took a drink all the same, although seeing Keith and Cloud also take a drink . . . They really didn't want to know.

"Never Have I Ever . . . stolen company property!"

Silence fell upon the group, before Sephiroth tentatively took a small sip. Genesis pointed a finger and cackled, shouting he knew Sephiroth kept stealing from the vending machines instead of paying!

-o0o-

By the fifth bottle, the questions were getting more and more . . . interesting.

"Never Have I Ever . . . Cut my hair on accident with a sword!"

Genesis and Sephiroth both took a swig, much to the others amusement.

-o0o-

"Never Have I Ever . . . Visited The Honey Bee Inn!"

"That's not valid, we've all had to go down there several times cause of the President!"

"Not for pleasure I haven't." Omael turned up his nose.

-o0o-

"Never Have I Ever . . . Cross-dressed!"

Cloud took a swig.

There were no comments.

-o0o-

"Never Have I Ever . . . Slept with law enforcement!"

Zack's question had most of them staring at the Puppy in confusion, but seeing Angeal take a swig . . .

Zack was quick to tell them about the time Angeal was so drunk, he told him about how before Shinra he had been . . . 'exploring', and things sort of happened.

Then they saw Keith counting on his fingers.

The growing horror as he had to use more than two hands said enough, but then . . .

"Do bodyguards count in the quota?"

"Never you mind that. Gimmie that Bottle and crack open another."

"CLOUD?! But we only just opened that one…"

"The memories that the world forgot, I still remember. Not many people can keep up with a SOLDIER when there aren't any left."

Keith just drained the whole bottle, he got sick of counting. Cloud followed suit and drained his own.

-o0o-

"Never Have I Ever . . . Slept with more than one person at once."

"Keith, why'd you grab the bottle?"

Keith said nothing and just grinned, taking a long hard swig of the bottle, his adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed.

"Pass me one too, while you're at it!"

"CLOUD?!"

Vincent just looked appalled at the two. Serves him right for going there.

-o0o-

"HEY I know for a fact you did that!"

Things quickly deteriorated after that little incident.

-o0o-

After that last question, they couldn't think of anything more explicit and ended up just drinking bottle after bottle until they passed out.

Well, Cloud and Keith kept going, laughing at the lightweights, they hadn't even broken out the real strong stuff yet.

No one could blame them for pulling out the sharpies and doodling, but to be fair, never leave sharpies around a tispy Keith and Cloud. They could get quite creative.

-o0o-

 ** _OMAKE_**

-o0o-

Once the group had recovered from their drinking, they finally released the approved information to the public, and it was easy to say that any support for the old company was completely shredded once they found out what the President had been doing.

The Tsviets became overnight sensations as their story was unveiled, and it didn't help that Cloud decided to give them Mini-Cloud to take care of (something about responsibility). Adding a fuzzy adorable pet to the mix, plus the videos of Weiss looking after Nero, the public fell in love with the teens, giving loud vocal support that crushed the few that still clung to the remnants of SHINRA.

The PR team used this to their advantage, the slogan they were promoting went from _"We will be better than SHINRA"_ to _"Look at how we are fixing SHINRA's mistakes."_

Needless to say everyone loved the company now.

-o0o-

When the vids of Azul brushing Mini-Cloud before cuddle-time with the rest in a dog pile (Mini Cloud in the centre, of course) hit Midtube, the entire Worldwide Information Web crashed due to the traffic.

-o0o-

A _/N: Yep, Keith (and also Cloud) have quite the colourful past! The crack just keeps on coming._

 _This was supposed to be a piece on the fans reactions to the tans, but the Never Have I Ever game just took over the chapter._

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_

 **The next two pieces are ones to look out for!**


	16. Chp16: Keith's Love Life

Keith's been relaxed as of late.

The company finally knows why when boys from Junon pay a visit.

And we find out what exactly happened when Keith was bar hopping.

-o0o-

 _So, this chapter and the next one was finished yesterday, but I had a shift today so I went to bed early, deciding to post these two today. This is the longest chapter we've churned out to date, over 6,000 words! (Which is a lot for me)._

 _So, enjoy I guess._

Disclaimer: None of the characters that are recognizable belong to me, or ChaosBalance, but their respective owners.

-o0o-

 _ **Chapter 16: Keith's Love Life (The Rest Of The World Finally Finds Out)**_

-o0o-

Keith had been quite . . . relaxed as of late.

While this normally would have been a good thing, it was actually freaking a lot of the normal staff out, and Cloud refused to confront Keith about the issue (he already knew what was going on, he didn't need details).

So when Keith put in a request for a week off, Cloud immediately signed it and shoved the janitor out of his office, no questions asked.

Thankfully Keith gave his staff enough time to sort out who was in charge before he took his small leave of absence, which meant the company would run as per usual even without him being there. And the last time Keith had been off work and some executive stuffed things up, they found that despite the delay, Keith was still able to terrify the heck out of them when he got back.

Now, normally when Keith had his days off, he could still be reached by his colleagues, and Zack never went a day without running into Keith at some point, so it was to their complete surprise that no one saw him for a week.

However, when Keith did turn up the day after his little break (and the moment Cloud saw him walk in with a quite recognizable limp), the normally composed CEO rushed over and pulled Keith's rolled up sleeves down before muttering something hastily before leaving for his office.

Keith seemed a little ruffled at the treatment, but just grinned all the same as he greeted the lobby secretaries.

No one knew what the issue was until Keith rolled said sleeves up as he restocked a supply cupboard, revealing faint bruises wrapped around his wrists and when he plucked at his undershirt (the aircons were broken), someone squeaked in alarm at the clear bite marks on his collarbones.

It was safe to say that anyone who ran into him that day, soon ran off with red faces and babbling gibberish, they were so flustered.

Genesis was the only one who found this all funny, actually sitting with Keith for over an hour chatting away, both of them laughing at how their coworkers were reacting to this new change in the normally composed blonde.

When Charles Parkinson (the photographer in the PR Department) heard about the commotion, he mourned that Keith was no longer available, cursing the lucky bastard who managed to get Keith's attention.

Keith snickered when he heard Charles reaction, Genesis snidely commenting "Make that bastards." Which caused the two to start cackling at Charles' horror struck expression. The poor man had gone to make sure it wasn't just rumours, although it was quite obvious the rumours were true when he saw the marks.

The bruises and bite marks were gone in a day, so things resumed as usual but it took around two weeks before the incident had left everyone's minds.

But the moment that Keith began to hum after getting a phone call, and Cloud covered his ears, everyone knew the process was going to repeat itself.

-o0o-

Lance Charles McClain believed himself to be a lucky man.

Having his fellow cop, Takashi Shirogane (who went by the nickname Shiro around the office), as both his partner in and out of the field, he thought his life was complete.

Shiro was one of a kind; smart, charming, built like a brick shithouse (the only thing he hated was how his partner had bulging biceps he could never compete with), the kind of guy you bring back home to the family.

Shiro had hit it off spectacularly with his large family of eight and things were going great in his life.

However, after being together for four years, they could both start to feel like something was missing, a variable that they both kept ignoring.

Until now.

It started two months ago.

-o0o-

 _It had been a Saturday night, which meant lots of drunken arrests to be made, and he hated being on the booze shift._

 _Shiro had the same sentiments, he always got groped by the tipsy women who were quite the handful if there was a group._

 _But that night, had been different._

 _They had been informed about seven different incidents over the radio feed, all involving a blonde (gender and age unknown) who had been assaulted by drunken men but, either this blonde was a master at drunk kung fu or had one hell of a tolerance, because most of the assailants were drunk up to their eyeballs and easily taken out with a single punch._

 _Their fellow officers who showed up at the scenes would find the mentioned blonde had already scarpered, but there were many witnesses who claimed the blonde was the victim. There was a pattern though, the blonde was skipping from bar to bar, and the next one was in their direction._

 _"All we know is this person's a blonde?" Lance asked Shiro, who was keeping his gaze on the bar entrance for any blonde, male or female._

 _"Apparently, the security feeds only got their back, never showed their face to the camera."_

 _"So . . . like the blonde bombshell that just walked in?"_

 _Shiro immediately understood exactly which blonde Lance meant, the aforementioned blonde almost staggering in with a rosy hue to his cheeks, wearing only a pair of white swim shorts and a light blue shirt that was fully unbuttoned._

 _Said blonde was quickly swept up by a guy who seemed to think he was going to get lucky tonight, but they couldn't intervene until something happened._

 _Thankfully though, an incident did arise._

 _-o0o-_

 _"Oy, McClain! They said a fight's breaking out!" Henrickson waved down the honey brown skinned cop, who jogged over while his partner went to go break up said fight._

 _"Hey Henrickson, we've been a bit busy tonight, there's a blonde hopping bars and some unlucky bastards got their asses handed to them." Lance sighed as he reached his favourite bartender, the guy knew the woes of being a cop since he was an ex-cop who was let go due to injury._

 _"Like that guy beating the shite out of a known rapist just outside?"_

 _"Yep, that blonde."_

 _One of the rapists friends went flying behind Lance, screeching at the top of his lungs, and Henrickson gulped._

 _"Good luck with that, glad I don't have to deal with that anymore."_

 _"Lance, I need a hand here!" Shiro's voice was strained, so it was Lance's cue to go._

 _"Be right there!"_

 _At least this night was interesting._

 _-o0o-_

 _Keith was pissed._

 _Actually, he was enraged._

 _He thought the drunks in Midgar were bad, but Junon was a whole other level of idiocy._

 _While he was glad to get a free drink from this sleazeball, apparently he didn't understand what the word 'no' meant._

 _He barely felt the moment he went 'Green' (well in his case, Omael called it Blue), flipping the bastard over his shoulder when he tried to cop a feel._

 _His buddies weren't too happy about that, and now he was busy thrashing their asses._

 _Hearing the perverted shit-for-brains shriek in agony when Keith broke his arm, Keith was so preoccupied with reveling in those pained screams, that he missed the cop coming up from behind him._

 _"I think they've learnt their lesson."_

 _Now normally Keith would have lashed out if someone tried to drag him away from a fight, but it was the man's voice that made him halt. It was smooth, like melted chocolate, and clearly not local. But he was a little tipsy, so he did try to fight his way out of the cop's grip (he recognized the sleeve of the uniform)._

 _It took about ten minutes for more cops to show up and take the offender away, but by that time, he had gotten a look at the cop's face and decided to play nice for now. The dude wasn't that bad looking, probably had Wutainian heritage, although his hair was interesting. His hair was black and was styled in an undercut, but he had a mop of white that flopped between his grey eyes that gave him a young boyish look._

 _The cop's name was Takashi Shirogane, and he began to explain how the man who had sexually assaulted him was a known rapist, probably believing that Keith was drugged since the offender commonly used date rape drugs on his victims. They had never caught the guy in the act before, so Keith had really helped them out._

 _Keith just nodded blankly, he was a little too preoccupied with taking in Shirogane's appearance. Besides Angeal, he had never seen another man with muscles that big, and this guy was unenhanced!_

 _But when the lanky blue eyed cop strolled up, that was just the icing on the cake._

 _Keith may be tipsy, but he was no idiot._

 _These two were clearly interested, and he hadn't cut loose in ages so . . ._

 _-o0o-_

 _An hour after filing the report, Keith was happy to accept Lance and Shiro's offer of staying for the night, as Keith 'conveniently' forgot which hotel he was staying in._

 _Finding out the two were partners just made things even better._

-o0o-

Keith turned out to be the missing variable, and after having breakfast with him the following morning, it was easy to add another into their relationship.

But given how Keith lived in Midgar, meeting up was an issue.

So when they had been given a weeks vacation, they had been quick to call Keith and ask if they could meet up in Midgar, and go on a date or something.

They had instead . . . spent that whole week shut up in their hotel room with the blonde, and they had never been more pleased about the Midgar hotel's policy of not having any issues with the noise.

But now they had a few days off as their last case had been a close call, drug smuggling and Shiro barely avoided getting shot. Lance's sniper skills came in handy since the mob relied on numbers, not skill.

Keith had been glad to hear they were safe, and was delighted to hear they were coming back to Midgar for a bit.

And this time, they were really going to look around the town. Keith had insisted they stay at his place, saved them on hotel fees.

"Lance? You finished packing yet?"

"Almost!"

It was time to see what Midgar had to offer.

-o0o-

Keith was really glad that Cloud had insisted he take weekends off now, it was Friday night and he got off his shift early to go pick up his two partners from the train station. His job had never come up between them, he knew they were cops, but they didn't know he worked for the new ULTIMA company. That alone would cause issues, plus the fact he was so close to the CEO, was a whole other thing altogether.

But he would just ignore that for now, if things happened, they happened. He just wanted to enjoy a weekend with his significant others.

Yes, he was that serious. He was 35 and didn't have a solid love life, before it had always been one night stands, a stolen night of passion to forget that he had only a few true relationships in his life.

Spotting a familiar mop of monochrome hair and bright blue eyes, he let those thoughts slip away, and ran over to be engulfed by two pairs of strong, warm arms.

It felt like coming home.

-o0o-

Shiro and Lance were a bit confused when Keith insisted it was the shops under the plate that were the best. Keith just waved off their concerns when he led the way down under the plate, saying the people did it all the time, they weren't trespassing. And besides, ever since ULTIMA took over, the slums were cleaner and now actually considered a residential area. Plus, things were cheaper under the plate.

For the next four hours, Keith guided them through the markets and stalls, pointing out the real stuff from the fakes. Lance bought a ton of trinkets for his family, almost squealing in delight when Keith commented he picked out real bone pendants out of the plastic ones.

Shiro found several books that he had been looking for copies of for years, and Keith just enjoyed the fact they were having fun.

It was when they were walking by Seventh Heaven that their 'date' got interrupted.

"Oi! Keith, git ya arse over 'ere."

"Hi Cid." Keith gave a wry smile as he spotted the pilot carrying a crate in his arms.

"Iffn ya want the fucking bar open at all, ya'll stop bitchin and help out."

Keith would have retorted with his usual banter, but Lance was grabbing his arm and tugging slightly.

"That's, that's Cid Highwind. You know him?" Shiro was sort of speechless, so Keith grabbed Shiro by the wrist to help bring him back to reality. Before becoming a cop, Shiro had wanted to be a pilot, but an incident with a monster during his training days cost him his right arm, and he ended up becoming a cop instead once he got used to his new prosthetic.

"Yeah, family friend."

Cid looked like he was about to start up again, but Tifa poked her head out of the back door (probably wondering where the new shipment was), and understood the situation in a split second.

"Cid, he's on a date. Leave the poor boy alone."

"He's older than ya are girlie - Hang on a cotton-pickin minute, when the fuck did ya' find a pair o' bastards crazy enough ta date YOU!"

"A bar fight." Keith replied with a grin, although he was focusing on holding his boyfriend's back who seemed to take great offense to the comment, probably thinking it was an insult, not playful banter.

Judging from how Cid and Tifa seemed to smile at the fact Shiro and Lance were ready to defend Keith's honour, that was a tick in their books. But they weren't the only ones who seemed to want to give the shovel talk today.

"Barrett, Keith's stopped by."

Barrett and Keith bonded over booze. The rest was history.

So he had a feeling Barrett wouldn't let the two cops off without a warning.

The Corel born and raised man took a look at the two of them, causing both cops to freeze like a pair of deers in the headlights, before they were given a nod of approval.

". . . . . You two do anything to Keith, don't come crying to me. I won't be helping you against the rest of the family."

"Alright, I think we're done here. See you guys around!"

Keith quickly dragged the two along before Cid had a chance to lay into his boys, he didn't want to think of the threats Highwind could come up with.

-o0o-

Of course Lance and Shiro spotted the church's spires, and asked what kind of building it was.

"Oh, that's the Sector 5 church. It's been here since before the plates were built, it's a miracle it's still standing. Want to go have a look?" He hoped that Aerith wasn't there, because he knew his 'daughter' would have no problem with scaring the ever living shit out of Shiro and Lance.

Unfortunately for him, Aerith was there . . .

And so was Zack.

Apparently Shiro and Lance weren't too much interested in SOLDIERs as they didn't seem to recognize Zack, but that was a small relief compared to how Zack reacted at the sight of them.

"Holy Ifrit's Balls, no wonder you never gave Charles a chance. Shoulda set up a blind date with 'Geal!"

"Zack!" Aerith whacked the Puppy upside the head, Shiro was flushing slightly at Zack's comment, Lance was more curious as to who this Charles was.

"Zack, 'Geal will never be more than a friend to me, plus, could you deal with me and him hooking up? And Seph would never forgive me if I went after one of his friends."

Zack thought for a moment, and shuddered. The idea of his teacher and his father away from home getting it on was not a pleasant idea. "Okay, you have a point there."

An awkward silence passed between them all, but Aerith broke it up by insisting they take a seat, they must have been walking around for ages!

"What do you think of the church?" Aerith inquired, smiling softly as she noted how the two cops made sure Keith sat between them.

"It's a lovely place, I wish I had a camera. There's not many places that have stained glass windows anymore." Shiro commented, Lance nodding in agreement, clearly enjoying the way the light fell through the coloured glass.

"So, are you friends of Keith's?" Lance asked offhandedly, clearly wanting to make a good impression on anyone in Keith's life.

"Keith's more like a father figure really." Aerith giggled, Zack nodding in agreement. Keith just gave a sheepish smile when his boyfriends looked at him with raised eyebrows.

Keith was hoping the two would leave it there, but then his 'kids' had to make things worse.

"You won't stand a chance against the family if you hurt him though."

 **In unison.**

Keith just groaned and buried his face in his hands.

"What the hell? You in the Mafia or something?" Lance asked, neither of them wanted to know if that was true though. They were cops, and being boyfriends with a mafia member would clash with company morals.

"Worse actually. This lot is actually legit." Keith managed to mumble from between his fingers, grabbing the two of them by the arms and fleeing from the church, trying to ignore the burn in his cheeks as he heard Zack and Aerith laughing as they left.

 _He just wanted a nice day out with his boyfriends, was that a little too much to ask?_

"Should we head back now? I think Lance and I are still a little tired from the trip."

Apparently they could see he was stressed, and he just had to smile. They were so considerate, and wonderful, and perfect . . .

"Yeah, that sounds good. We've still got tomorrow."

 _Little did he know, that tomorrow was going to be just as hectic, if not worse._

-o0o-

Keith thought today was going to be great.

They had a nice evening eating Wutai takeout, watched a movie, shared some drinks, and ended up in a massive cuddle pile on Keith's bed. He was so glad he got a queen-sized mattress.

Given how warm it got, it was to no surprise that they shed their shirts and pants before falling asleep curled around each other.

He woke up to find his two boys still sleeping, Shiro had an arm slung over his waist, and Lance was tucked up under his chin. All was fine with the world, and Keith would have happily gone back to sleep if not for the sound of someone unlocking his front door.

The only people with duplicates of his keys where Omael or . . .

Tseng.

"Keith, we've got a prob-" Tseng faltered mid sentence, choking on his own breath as he caught sight of Keith.

Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but Keith had forgotten about the hickies and bite marks from the night before. And Tseng did comment once how Keith was like a father figure to him as well . . .

Shiro and Lance were both wide awake now (the perks of being a cop), just as bewildered as Tseng was, who was still gaping like a fish.

"For Odin's sake Tseng, shut your mouth and give me details. You've seen worse before."

"But not when I know the person!" Tseng shrieked, averting his eyes and crossing his arms over his chest.

The two cops now noticed how Tseng was wearing something similar to what the Turks wore (they had a few come through their station once), and blanched at the realisation that Tseng was an actual Turk.

"Tseng, I haven't got all day. Is this important?" Keith raised an eyebrow, not at all bothered that he was practically naked in front of one of the many people he called family.

"We found a sealed off lab under the building, it wasn't empty like we hoped it would be. The issue is there's an exit to the slums and whatever specimens Hollander made in there, is trying to break out. We've got SOLDIERs and infantry evacuating the slums for now, but we need to seal off the lab entrance up here first."

Hearing that Hollander was involved, Keith leapt out of bed and was already throwing clothes on.

"I'll be ready in five. Have the civilian staff been evacuated from the building?"

"Yes, we've sent out notifications to all non-combatant staff to remain home today."

Shiro and Lance obviously could tell this was a serious situation, and were pulling their own clothes on.

By the time Shiro and Lance were dressed, Keith was tugging gloves on and pulling out his phone, rapidly texting a message out.

"I'll meet up with the others, Shiro and Lance are cops, they can help with the evac. Keep the radio lines free of chatter. Once the lab's sealed, I'll help hunt down the stragglers."

Tseng nodded in reply, Keith gave Shiro and Lance one last kiss before sprinting out the door, leaving two bewildered cops and one (still-flustered) Turk.

-o0o-

It was absolute chaos under the plate, the slum-dwellers had all been safely removed, but the specimens that had gotten loose were tearing the slums apart.

Shiro and Lance found themselves stuck under the plate as a large beast similar to a Grand Horn had taken out the only stairs back up to the plate, and the train system had been blocked to prevent the monsters from leaving the slums.

They had been a bit surprised to see Zack among the fray, cutting down foaming-at-the-mouth monsters left, right and center, dressed in the uniform of a SOLDIER First Class. The raven haired boy had given them a cheery grin before driving his sword through the skull of an avian type monster, moving onto the next that came his way.

Fifty minutes into being stuck down under the plate, Lance had gotten hold of a rifle, and Shiro snagged a handgun.

Both came in handy when they came across a troop of infantry having issues with a bunch of lizard-like creatures that spat acid everywhere.

Lance wasn't the best sniper in Junon for no reason.

The troopers had been extremely grateful, informing them which specimens could be tranquilized and which were kill on sight.

For the next hour, they found themselves running themselves ragged tracking down the more harmless ones, Shiro was ever grateful his right arm was made of metal when a jagged toothed cross between a snake and a goat tried to take a chunk of his arm, Lance quickly tranqed it before leaving the collection crew to pick the specimen up.

-o0o-

Zack was sure that if Keith's cop boyfriends hadn't proved themselves to be good men today, then maybe the family's standards were too high.

He had seen the two cops, who had no loyalty to this city at all, protect his fellow SOLDIERs and infantry without hesitation.

Ironically most of the calmer specimens had latched onto individuals, Omael confirming over the radio that those specimens had been scrapped versions of an experiment where Hollander was trying to bond monsters with humans to be trained. They had been deemed failures because they were peaceful, the more violenter ones had been unstable and never survived the training process without going insane.

Shiro and Lance had apparently been chosen by one of the few successes, which Hollander had yet to put into training, so it was still quite calm despite its appearance.

Zack was sure it was some type of feline creature with an almost human-like intelligence, sticking to the two cops like glue as they began to round up the last few specimens.

"I think we've got all of them. What do we do with them now?" Shiro asked while wiping the sweat off his brow, one hand patting the feline on the head as if reassuring it wasn't going to be taken away.

"The bonded ones, we'll give their new handlers training. This isn't the first time specimens have bonded with a person. The unbonded ones though . . ."

 _"Alpha Omega is here. All personal please report to the train station."_

"Alpha Omega?" Lance queried, stumbling as the feline rubbed against his legs (he was exhausted, no one could blame him for almost falling over).

"The only person in the company that Hollander's specimens respond to bar the CEO himself. Before, when Hollander was still a part of the company, his specimens escaped their cages all the time. Alpha Omega always ended up being the one they ran too, and they handed those specimens over to Professor Hojo who has morals, unlike the fat bastard may he rot in his grave."

Shiro and Lance both looked at each other with trepidation, who was this Alpha Omega, and how would they assert control over the rouge specimens?

The walk to the train station wasn't too long, they had only been a sector over from it and all the specimens had been rounded up to be transported to the labs.

"What took you so long Pup?!"

That was Keith's voice, what was he doing under the plate?

They had heard him over the radio, giving directions and listing off specimens . . .

"Just found a few stragglers. Man, you need a shower pronto."

They head Zack laughing, and as they turned the corner, their eyes grew wide and the same thought passed through their minds.

 _Apparently Keith had a few more secrets up his sleeve._

-o0o-

Vincent had been fully aware of how pissed Keith had been, by the fact he tore into the kill-on-sight specimens without mercy, not at all flinching when blood coated his face and organs spilled out from under his knife.

It was like he was looking at the boy from 25 years ago, who introduced himself covered in wolf guts and blood smeared like paint across his body, saving them from a rabid wolf on their first expedition up the Nibel mountains.

Those blank eyes burned with nothing but rage, and he muttered a prayer for the monsters that would fall under Keith's blade.

But when he saw Keith smile at two ragged and shocked men that trailed behind Zack, he understood the reason why Keith had been so angry.

So these were the two Keith had been so infatuated with lately . . .

-o0o-

Shiro was speechless, Lance just wheezed as he tried to speak.

Keith, their Keith, was standing there, blood streaked across his face, a dirty blade slung on his hip, sweat running down his cheeks and his hair in complete disarray.

And yet, he looked absolutely stunning to them, despite the fact they were pretty sure he had some bits of brain matter coating his shoulders.

Their partner gave them a stunning smile, one that they couldn't help but return.

But when that smile fell, and pure venom filled his eyes, they froze.

In a split second, Keith had a gun in his hand, firing without hesitation.

Shiro felt the bullet whiz past his ear, and hearing a high pitched yelp behind him, spun around to find some sort of wolf hybrid fall into a heap, whimpering as blood poured from the gaping hole in its abdomen.

Before he could even speak, Keith was shoving past him, grabbing the hybrid by the scruff of the neck and growling, actually growling, forcing the hybrid into submission.

 _And damn, why was that extremely hot?_

"Be back in a sec." Keith smiled as he brushed past them, dragging the hybrid along with him to the mismatched group of specimens (which he noticed were now shivering with fright), marching up to the front so that he could have eyes on each and every one of the lab escapees.

"I would cover your ears if I were you." Zack's voice pulled them out of their stunned silence, now the cops both noticed how the SOLDIERs and infantry in the area were shoving ear plugs into their ears. Someone was kind enough to give them spares, and they did not hesitate to put them in.

A second after everyone seemed to have their earplugs in, they saw Keith take in a deep breath and . . .

The lab escapees all fell to the ground, averting their eyes, even with the ear plugs they could hear a roar, varying in pitch but never fading in intensity.

Zack was rubbing his head in pain when he took his earplugs out, all the SOLDIER's in the vicinity wincing, Keith didn't even look winded, happily smiling down at the lab escapees who were frozen stiff, and gladly scarpered into the transport units attached to the train, like tamed animals.

The feline specimen trembled as Keith waltzed over, giving the both of them a peck on the cheek before crouching down to the specimens level.

It was no wonder that the small child sized specimen was shaking, having heard the roar of a more dominant predator, but Keith merely began to coo and purr, tearing his gloves off to run his bare fingers through the specimen's fur.

The cub practically melted at his touches, a low purr vibrating from it's chest as Keith rubbed its ears and pressed his nose against its own.

"Gonna keep this one?" Zack asked with a wry grin, causing Keith to make a chuffing noise as he let the specimen smell his hair.

"Definitely. This little one's too precious to give up. Smart one, aren't ya?" The cub chuffed back, its tail wrapped around Shiro's knee, but made a yelping noise as Keith grabbed the scruff of its neck and peered under its belly.

"Ah, you're a boy." The feline made a disgruntled sound as Keith let go, the blonde sitting back on his haunches while the feline sniffed at his hair again, as if trying to memorize the scent.

"Um . . . Keith, so . . . you work for ULTIMA?" Lance queried, causing Keith to shrug before standing up straight, tilting his neck like he was listening to something.

Zack snorted, shoving his hands in his pockets before receiving a message over the communications link.

"More like ULTIMA works for him." The Gongagan native muttered, low enough that the two cops didn't hear him, but Keith certainly did.

"Alright Zack, I'm sure that you're needed elsewhere. I'll see you at the debrief, but first, I need a shower."

At this, Zack grimaced. "About that, Sector 1's sort of blocked off right now. You'll have to clean up at the office, and I know you have a change of clothes there since that allnighter the other time. Y'know, with the KIT1st incident." When in public; the incident when Sephiroth, Angeal, and Genesis ended up having feline appendages (thanks to a mix of Omael's drunken science and an idiotic lab technician), was referred to as KIT1st, i.e. Kitty First. No one wanted to know how the public would react knowing the origin behind the development of the popular party drug.

Keith was hoping that he didn't have to stop by the office, as that meant Shiro and Lance would both see where he worked, and the position he held. But he had no choice, if he didn't want to scrub blood and guts off of his combat clothes for hours, he needed to get them to soak pronto. Plus, Shiro and Lance looked like they could use a shower as well.

"Right, right. Shiro, Lance, let's go. You're probably hungry as well."

As if on cue, Shiro's stomach rumbled loudly, causing the monochromed haired man to blush in embarrassment, but Lance just laughed. He was well acquainted with Shiro's eating habits, especially after a long exhausting stakeout where Shiro almost ate an entire buffet table worth of food.

Zack's stomach also roared, no one had time to eat breakfast, the younger man just grinned before they all headed off to the train.

-o0o-

If Shiro and Lance had been astonished by seeing Keith's combat abilities, they were absolutely stunned when they arrived at his office.

While seeing the sign saying 'Head Janitor', it was the stories they had heard on the Junon base (sometimes the police got involved when there were civilians trespassing) about the Head Janitor in the Midgar HQ, that made them pause at the door.

They could now confirm that Keith did work for ULTIMA, given how the staff greeted Keith so casually as they entered the building, but the fact that Keith had worked for SHINRA . . .

They now knew he was the man who truly held power during President Shinra's reign.

They both almost had a heart attack when the Holy Trinity appeared, Sephiroth himself asking Keith how things were looking down under the plate, while Genesis and Angeal both took in the sight of the feline specimen trotting at their heels.

"Angeal, Genesis, could Shiro and Lance borrow some clothes? I know you guys have some spares you keep in the office."

Zack let out a bark of laughter, commenting how only Angeal's clothes could fit Shiro. Lance was almost the same size as Genesis, both in frame and height, so it was a logical choice.

Keith just rolled his eyes, and pulled out some towels from a cupboard and put them onto the bathroom counter. Given how Keith sometimes did allnighters (that tended to happen at least three times a month), the President had allowed him to upgrade the bathroom attached to his office to have a shower. Well, one of those bath-showers (sometimes Keith needed a good soak).

Once Genesis and Angeal had procured a change of clothes, they could finally wash the sweat and blood off of their skin. Keith let them fill the tub while he found a bucket to soak his clothes in, not at all bothered when the cub followed them into the tile-floored bathroom. Although it was amusing to see the cub's reaction to hearing his claws clack on the tile.

Given how dusty the cub was, it wouldn't hurt to let him have the first wash. Shiro and Lance obviously had no idea how to handle the cub, let alone any animal, so Keith picked said cub up and rested him on his hip. Lance and Shiro began to fill the bath, both trying to ignore the fact their boyfriend was cooing over the feline, while bouncing the cub like a toddler on his hip. Hearing him somehow communicate with the feline was another sight altogether.

"Come on, you can bathe with Papa."

'Papa' turned out to be Shiro, who found himself with a squirming armful of fur once he undressed. A towel slung around his hip (better to have something rather than nothing if the cub got a free shot near his balls), before sinking into the warm water with a sigh of relief. His muscles were aching after several hours of chasing lab specimens, and not all of them went down easy.

Lance just laughed at Shiro's predicament, crouching down by the tub and helping pour a bucket of water since Shiro had his hands full.

It took a decent fifteen minutes to get the cub dust and dirt free, and by that time Shiro had a fair idea of how to hold the little guy. While Lance drained and refilled the tub, Shiro and Keith had towel dried the cub to the best that they could. The air conditioning in the bathroom was warm, so there was no problem with leaving the cub to dry off naturally so that they could finally wash themselves off.

After that, they would be having a talk that was long since overdue.

-o0o-

It was to this that Cloud came striding in, with a pair of shorts that had been altered with a hole in the back.

His excuse? "Well, can't let your new kid go naked now, can we?"

While Shiro and Lance both pulled the shower curtain close with Cloud's appearance, Keith had no qualms with his little brother seeing his naked body (there were so many times they shared a bath after romping around the mountain, it wasn't funny).

Cloud vacated the bathroom eventually, reminding Keith about the debrief in thirty minutes. There would also be lunch, since no one had really had a chance to eat before the incident had occurred, so that was a good incentive for them to hurry up.

Angeal had found a spare 1st uniform of his, Shiro was a little hesitant about wearing it but Keith told him no one would care, they would be more focused on the food. Genesis though, had found a pair of dark blue jeans and a dress shirt he never used, so it was a little big on Lance's frame.

The cub (they really had to come up with a name for him) stuck to Shiro's side like glue while they waited for Keith to get changed, the blonde exiting the bathroom clad in one of his blue uniform jumpsuits, the front unzipped to show a black undershirt. He didn't have his normal uniform shoes, so he ended up shoving some combat boots on with the laces untied, before they headed off to the main break room for lunch.

There really was no point in using a conference room, they needed couches, not stiff -backed chairs for the debrief.

Said debrief was quick and simple. The specimens that bonded with infantry and SOLDIER's, would undergo a training course so that they weren't a hazard to their handlers and civilians. The unbonded specimens would be examined to see what Hollander had done to them, and to see if it was reversible.

If not, Handlers would be found for them.

The issue of the cub however, was a different matter altogether. Since it was one of the few successes, that meant they would have to observe the specimen to see what it was capable of, and if it could be a threat in the future. But since the cub had already chosen a handler, that made things difficult.

Another concern was the fact that there were THREE handlers, and as two of them lived in a different city, split custody was all but guaranteed.

Omael, Cloud and Keith had a hushed discussion in the hallway, leaving Lance and Shiro to entertain the cub. Shiro, of course, took a video when the cub managed to wobbly rise on his hind legs, reaching in an 'up' gesture to Lance, who immediately complied without hesitation.

After ten minutes of deliberation, they came to an agreement.

Shiro and Lance would be transferred to Midgar, and given their performance in the field, there was no issue with finding employment within ULTIMA's ranks.

Breaking it to the Junon police department thought . . . that was a whole other story.

Keith didn't mind at all, it just meant there was no distance between him and his partners.

 _He forgot that there were other members of his family that had yet to give the two, their versions of the shove talk._

-o0o-

 ** _OMAKE_**

-o0o-

The court case regarding Mr. FIincher and his multiple accounts of sexual assaults along with possession of illegal drugs, ended in the result of 'guilty'. It was one of the shortest court cases Junon had ever seen.

The guilty offender though, did get to see the one responsible for landing him in jail one last time.

While the liger cub sitting by the cop next to the blonde who broke his arm was intimidating, Mr. Flincher still managed to spit out a question.

"Those drugs were top quality, you shouldn't even have been able to speak, let alone walk. I know I put one in your drink."

"What do you mean drugged? I'm immune to that shite."

Mr. Flincher paled, there were only a certain few in the world that were immune to drugs, no matter what form.

"Who, who are you?"

The offender was pale, knowing then and there, he had chosen the wrong victim.

"Me?"

Keith just grinned, shoving his hands in his pockets, Lance slinging an arm around his shoulders and Shiro's prosthetic wrapped around his waist, the offender growing paler and paler as he saw how close Keith was to the pair of cops.

"I'm just a janitor."

-o0o-

 _A/N: So yep, a bit more plot progression (although this was intended to be a one-shot crack piece really, but it escalated)._

 _I'm gonna go back and cry over this series I just finished, the ending was brilliant, but absolutely cruel._

 _LiulfrLokison out! TT^TT_


	17. Chp17: Intermission:SHIT OMAEL HELP!

The boys start to notice some changes . . .

And we unintentionally get to know a bit more about Keith's past.

-o0o-

 _So, this chapter was spawned because we made comments during the creation of the prior chapter . . ._

 _It somehow lead to backstory. But yeah, I'll let you get to the chapter!_

Disclaimer: Any character you recognize, belong to their respective owners.

-o0o-

 ** _Chapter 17: Intermission: SHIT! OMAEL! HELP!_**

-o0o-

It had been four months since they had met Keith, and a month since the Deepground lab incident.

The time it took to sort things out with the Junon police department was faster than it should have, if they had gone through normal means.

All it took was Cloud showing them the video Shiro had taken of the cub (who was now named Nuka, after a certain attention seeking character in his favorite movie), a brief explanation about the circumstances, and Kolivan (the chief) quickly sorted out the paperwork regarding their transfer.

Keith of course put up a fight regarding lodging, stating his apartment would be fine as he had a spare room they could use when Shiro and Lance were offered one of the company apartments. It was really only the Turks that had a problem with this. Cloud already knew how stubborn Keith was, so he didn't even try to change Keith's mind. Tseng was fully against the notion, still slightly traumatized from when he walked in on them the other day, and the Turks were pissed that someone (well, someone's) had Keith's attention. Meaning that they lost out on lessons that Keith would normally participate in.

Tseng made things worse when they put the two former cops into the Turk building when their possessions had been transported to Midgar, Keith had thrown a fit of epic proportions and cussed Tseng out until Shiro and Lance had to actually drag him away, Nuka growling at Tseng before following his parents.

It took about two weeks before Keith had to admit his apartment wasn't large enough for the three of them and Nuka.

Cloud had graciously offered one of the apartments that housed company employees, but the only one that was up to scratch regarding security (even though Keith was a janitor, his status was one of importance) was in the Turk was both a blessing and a curse.

The apartment was large enough for all four of them, quite close to the company and supermarkets, easy access for Nuka to get around. The downside was it was in the Turk building, and Keith had given the trainees permission to test out their stealth on him. The issue was he gave them a 24/7 permission, and the only places they hadn't attempted was when he was at home.

Now that home was in their building, that meant they had permission there, and the Turks also had a chance to show their displeasure about his partners.

It would have been an issue, but the Turks soon found out that when Keith was jumped in a place he regarded as a safe zone, he reacted far worse.

 _Turns out he was holding back on them._

"I've only just got Nuka to sleep, since he's suffering from colic. You wake him and I'll put you on trash duty for the next year."

The brunette Turk trainee just whimpered from where he was being crushed into the floor, one of the kitchen knives held firmly against his neck, while Keith glowered down at the terrified Turk-in-training.

Shiro and Lance just gaped as they had never seen Keith move that fast before (once again reminded why they first fell in love with the man), and once the Turk was kicked out, they showed their appreciation.

Very enthusiastically.

 _Tseng was very uncomfortable when Keith turned up to complain with quite obvious marks littering his neck, and the Turk trainees were informed that attacks were off-limits in the building._

-o0o-

Cloud liked Shiro and Lance, they were good men and they had given Keith an outlet for his stress.

 _Although he had no qualms with threatening them into an inch of their lives if they ever caused him harm._

He sometimes found it enjoyable to talk to Shiro, they ran along the same wavelength, knowing that there didn't need to be words to a conversation.

Lance got along well with Zack, both having that inextinguishable energy that endeared them to others.

Shiro and Cloud usually met for lunch, allowing the CEO to see how Nuka was doing from time to time.

It was during one of these lunches that they both noticed a quite . . . significant change.

And it wasn't to do with the furry kid Shiro had.

Shiro had been retrieving drinks from the fridge (Cloud had his own little stock in the break room that only a few people were privileged to), and Nuka had toddled after him. Keith had to leave early that morning since they discovered a problem with some of the drains in Deepground lab, so he hadn't been able to give Nuka his normal ritual of cuddles before heading off to work. So Nuka was a bit touch-starved.

It was while Shiro was passing Cloud a bottle that Nuka gave him a rough shove in the back of the knees, causing him lose his grip on the bottle.

Glass and liquid littered the floor a second later as he reflexively tightened his grip, both Cloud and Shiro staring at the handful of crushed glass in his hand, blood dripping from the cuts in his palm.

Something was wrong, and they weren't sure if it was a good or a bad thing.

-o0o-

Apparently Lance had been having issues lately as well.

He had been quite jumpy as of late, reacting to every single sound and to bright lights. They had chalked it up to being a lingering result of the concussion Lance had received when they had been digging around in the Deepground labs, but given how Shiro was having an issue quite similar to the symptoms of a new SOLDIER 3rd, Lance's symptoms also matched up.

Once Shiro mentioned this to Cloud . . .

"I think, we need to talk to Keith."

Cloud was fully in agreement.

-o0o-

Keith had been perplexed as to why Cloud and Shiro needed him, given it was the middle of the work day and he was still trying to sort out the blasted drainage problem (if it wasn't fixed, there could be a small flood when they turned the water back on).

So when he arrived at Cloud's office, he was even more surprised when Lance was there. The last he had seen Lance was that morning, still in bed with a headache.

"Keith, you know how Lance has been more sensitive to lights lately?" Shiro had an arm around his shoulder now, guiding him into the room. Nuka was nesting on the couch, tail twitching in agitation.

"Yeah . . ." Keith didn't like where this was going.

"Well, I've noticed that lately, I'm getting stronger but I'm not doing anything."

"My eyesight's getting better, and we all know how good my eyes are." Lance added, sunglasses covering said eyes as they had been very sensitive that morning.

It was when Shiro grasped Lance's hand with a sympathetic look on his face, that Keith noticed the bloodied bandage on Shiro's left hand.

"Shiro, how did you get hurt?" Keith was already unwinding the bandage, finding small cuts in his palm that were far too small for the amount of blood staining the bandage.

"I crushed a glass bottle that was half an inch thick, just by gripping it too hard."

Keith looked at Shiro's hand, then to Lance's sunglasses; which had a slight glow to the lenses.

Hand.

Sunglasses.

"Oh shit."

He knew what the problem was now.

He would have told his partners exactly what that was, but he was a bit too busy passing out from shock right now.

 _Maybe he should have listened to Omael._

-o0o-

When Keith's eyes had widened, his mouth falling opening in shock and his voice was a whisper, Shiro and Lance had been frozen. They had never seen him like this before.

But when Keith promptly fainted on the spot, Shiro scrambled to catch the blonde and Cloud was calling up Omael.

By the time Omael had arrived with Vincent in tow, Shiro had placed Keith on the couch, Nuka curled up against the man's stomach as if trying to give comfort.

Once explaining the situation to Omael and Vincent, the two let out a sigh of exasperation, the scientist muttering about 'this is why he should have listened', along with some affectionate insults.

"Um, some of us aren't scientists. Could we get an explanation?" Lance inquired, trying to not freak out as they had never seen Keith actually faint before. Even Cloud had been alarmed.

Vincent merely turned off the lights and held up a mirror as Omael snatched Lance's sunglasses off of his face.

Both men turned sheet white at the slight glow their eyes held, along with the realisation that they could _actually see_ in _pitch black darkness_.

"Holy . . ." Shiro whispered, wincing as Vincent flicked the lights back on.

"I'm sure you're aware that despite the fact Keith isn't a SOLDIER, he's on the same level as them." Omael claimed a spare chair, close enough to the couch that he could brush the hair out of Keith's eyes.

"Cloud said it was natural mako, like how he got it as a kid." Shiro shot back, already looking like he was on the verge of tearing his hair out, no wonder given the revelation they had just received.

"I'm surprised it took this long for you two to start shining." Vincent muttered, causing both men to stare at the vampiric man in alarm.

"Wha?!"

Omael ignored Lance's exclamation, lacing his fingers together in his lap before he began to talk.

"Keith does have Mako like any other SOLDIER, although the circumstances of how he gained it, we aren't fully aware of. But from what I do know from the tests, both when he was a child and as an adult after he fished Cloud out from the reactor he fell into, his levels fluctuate between second-class and first-class levels. I have often theorised that his natural stable level should be just under Angeal and Genesis. I've been trying to get him on pure Mako supplements for years, since too much free Mako in the body is detrimental, but he wouldn't have it. He has willingly helped me in my research regarding types of Mako and in determining the natural stable reaction of Mako in the body."

Cloud frowned at this, he did recall how Keith's strength had changed after the reactor (remembering vague memories from this world's Cloud before the incident), but had believed it was due to him being a child that he thought Keith was so strong. But now that he thought about it, a ten year old boy should not have had the strength that Keith had despite growing up in Nibelheim.

"When we first met him, it was obvious he was not a normal child. But we couldn't do much until he trusted us." Vincent continued, recalling how tedious and painstakingly slow it had been to gain Keith's trust. But it had paid out in the end.

"Since Keith didn't think he would ever find someone he would settle down into a relationship with, he was quite sure he wouldn't pass the free Mako on to any partners. Given his nature, we believed so too, even though there was a certain possible risk. Knowing Keith, he probably forgot all about it since it has been so long since we talked of it."

Both Vincent and Omael grimaced at this, it was clear that the mindset Keith had when he was younger pained them, but now that Keith found a relationship that worked . . .

"Looks like you two need the standardizes Mako tests, then you'll have to be put into SOLDIER training." Cloud looked a little troubled, whether it was with civilians being thrown into the deep end of military life or something else to do with Keith, no one was sure.

"Will that have an effect on our positions as they are now?" Shiro had been put into the security department and Lance had become a sort of honorary Turk.

"No, it won't. As long as you pass the standard SOLDIER training, your positions won't change. Although you might end up with several new additional responsibilities."

Which was good, Keith had been dead set against Lance and Shiro becoming SOLDIERs, most likely because he didn't want them to go on missions all the time out of Midgar.

Speaking of Keith . . .

"Please tell me it was a dream."

Omael chuckled and ruffled Keith's hair.

"Afraid not. Cloud, could you take these two down to my lab and ask Jennifer for the supplements in compartment K? We'll be down shortly, Vincent and I need to have a small talk with Keith."

Cloud frowned at the fact he was essentially being kicked out of his own office, but knew the three were going to have a conversation that had been due for a long time.

"Alright, but if you aren't down in half an hour, I'm coming back up."

Ignoring Shiro and Lance's protests, he dragged the two out of the office, Nuka trailing behind them. Nuka had been in Omael's labs a few times, and liked it since Omael treated him nicely, and the female lab techs tended to give him treats.

Keith gave his partners a small smile, and the door slammed shut behind them.

-o0o-

"Keith, you do realise what this means, don't you?"

Keith sighed, burying his face in his hands, the couch shifting as the two sat beside him.

"I hate needles."

Omael let out a small huff of laughter, Vincent rolled his eyes but let Keith lean against his shoulder. It was one of the few behavioural indicators they had picked up about Keith during the years in Nibelheim, right now he just needed a physical anchor, and that tended to be Vincent eight out of ten times.

"Keith, it's been 20 years. Isn't that enough to tell us, about how you ended up in Nibelheim?" Omael murmured, letting Keith clasp his hand. For hands that so skilled with guns and blades, they were soft and supple, unnaturally so.

"20 years, huh?" Keith let out a deep breath, his shoulders slumping and his eyes gazed at their hands.

The stark contrast between Omael's weathered hands and his own, was clear to see, and Keith smothered a chuckle as his fingers curled into fists.

"I guess, perhaps it is time, to finally get this off my chest."

-o0o-

 _I was about four years old if I recall. It's one of my first few memories._

 _My parents, I never knew their names, we lived on an island that was so small that it's not on the maps. But I know it was around the North continent, we passed through the Bone Village. I don't know why my parents decided to travel then, but they were headed to Cosmo Canyon. We were attacked by bandits on the road during the night, they told me to run, and so I did._

 _I wandered the mountains for days, and I eventually stumbled across the Nibel mountains. There was a mountain hermit who took me in, and by the time I was seven, I knew the mountains like the back of my hand. I knew how to hunt, to forage, how to survive. We went down every other month to the town, so they knew who I was._

 _The mountain hermit died a few days after I turned seven, he was too old and the mountain storms made death come faster for the weak. But he lived far longer than anyone in the village fared, and that was because of a spring that he found on the mountain. It wasn't normal water, that was for sure._

 _But it was normal to me, we had a spring like it on the island, so I had bathed in it everyday._

 _Before you arrived, I thought the green crystals in the spring were natural minerals, but as you taught me more and more, I realised what they were. It was Mako, but it wasn't the reactor kind, neither was it pure. After I learnt everything there was to know about Mako, I froze the spring over._

-o0o-

Vincent and Omael weren't surprised when Keith's shoulders began to shake, it was hard for him to talk about his past, and to tell them how he first came to Nibelheim . . .

"I still don't know what kind of Mako it was, and given how rare it was for Mako to be passed through several sessions of intercourse , I didn't think I could pass it. And I didn't see myself having a long term relationship since everyone in Nibelheim hated me . . . I never thought I would leave the town."

Keith would have said more, but he was clearly emotionally drained, and he slumped into the couch with a loud exhale.

"Might've been 'Divine Blood'. The Strife clan used that kind of Mako in all sorts of things for centuries. One of the reasons why we were called 'Strife'. Stronger than normal, knowing things about the world we really should not, plus the whole 'walking WEAPON' rumors that have plagued us for so much time. The Mako spring would have naturally diluted the pure Mako with mineral water, that's why it didn't kill you." Cloud paused at the door, before continuing.

"The best way to tell would have been the trees growing around it, the fruit would have been present all year, and they had a dark purple skin with light green flesh. About the size of an orange, with three large needle like seeds or 'pits', Strife's are raised on the fruit. They only grow around those kinds of springs though, no other soil can handle them."

"Was that in your dimension?" Omael enquired, interest in his voice but his eyes were firmly on Keith's face, reading his expressions in case he missed any subtle triggers.

"Yeah, went digging up the family history. Mother was hiding a ton of records under the house, somehow they didn't get destroyed in the fire. Could always test it at the Mideel springs too."

Keith was staring at Cloud now, eyebrows furrowed as he tried to recall.

"The spring was inside a cave on one of the mountain summits. There was only rocks and snow, no trees or fruits. The spring on the island didn't have anything growing around it either, it was like the life was sucked out of the surrounding area."

"Was there a large plateau around the entrance to the cave? How about a large clear circle around the Island spring? The Mideel springs are some of the so called 'Divine Blood', I know that for a fact, and they have the same barren meadow around them. It's why they have healing properties."

"I'm not sure Cloud, I can barely even remember that island at all. And the mountain spring had a very narrow path leading up to it. Perhaps it might have before, but the hermit told me the mountain had been crumbling over the years."

Apparently Vincent had gotten annoyed of their chatter, as he stood up and dragged Keith up along with him.

"So now we know how you got the natural Mako, but right now, don't you have two men waiting to know you're okay?"

Keith froze, realizing that Cloud had just left his two boys in the lab and they still didn't know how he was.

"Omael . . . maybe, I'll try the supplements out?"

Omael smiled when he saw Keith's hesitant grin, clapping his hands together before striding out the door with the younger man's arm firmly in his grip.

And if Cloud was rolling something black, that looked oddly like a needle, between his fingers. No one saw it to comment on it.

-o0o-

Shiro and Lance heard Keith's story, which made it clear to Omael, Vincent and Cloud that Keith was very determined to keep these boys.

Upon hearing that Keith had been 4 at the time he lost his parents, Lance inquired about his age right now.

"I'm 35."

Both ex-cops spluttered, eyes wide and glowing slightly from the shock.

"I thought you were in your early twenties, late twenties at the most!" Lance exclaimed, which was fair considering that he himself was 26 while Shiro was 29. Both men began to realise that Keith was actually the oldest of them all, Keith just laughing at their reactions while ruffling their hair.

Now they understood why he called them 'his boys' when they were cuddling, Keith got very affectionate when he was warm and content.

-o0o-

 ** _OMAKE_**

-o0o-

Shiro and Lance thought Keith had been kidding when he said the family was legit.

He wasn't.

Given how they dealt with gangs and mobs at least once a week back in Junon, they could say the ULTIMA family were much like a mafia gang, but certainly of a much higher caliber.

Sephiroth had been very descriptive about how he would deal with them if they ever dared to hurt his big brother, both emotionally and physically (although he didn't have much to worry about on that front).

Genesis just chose to make small flames flare into life whenever they passed by him, a dangerous glint in his eyes and a cruel smirk on his face.

Angeal . . . sat them down and explained how Keith was integral to the company, and what exactly happens when he goes off for a bit. All the while sharpening and polishing his buster sword with a kind smile on his face, but his eyes were dead cold.

Cloud though . . .

He pulled out some seriously demonic looking wings out of his back, hair ruffled by a non-existent wind, eyes glowing menacingly.

"You hurt him and there won't be a body to find."

And that was only a few of the many threats they received over the first week of being employed by ULTIMA.

-o0o-

 _A/N: I got a little teary writing this chapter, well . . . the parts involving Keith (my poor baby I put you through so much angst)._

 _So, I'll be doing a writing session with Chaos tomorrow, but most likely on an idea we made ages ago and let fall to the wayside._

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_

 **Yeesh, this heatwave is really wearing me out... Midway through summer over here. Ah well, at least I have work with Lokir to take my mind off of the heat.**

 **ChaosBalance Signing out!**


	18. Chp18:NetworkIssues:CommenceTheChaos!

**_Network Issues: Commence The Chaos_**

-o0o-

 _AKA Everyone flips out on the web._

-o0o-

 _Wahhh, been ages since this got updated. Well, as per usual, here is crack disguised under plot buried under even more crack._

 _Enjoy!_

Disclaimer: FFVII belongs to it's respective owners, I'm just borrowing them, but my characters are mine to love and cherish.

-o0o-

It had been roughly about a month since the 'Escapade' incident, Shiro and Lance had by now become somewhat used to their new enhancements, although when asked how they came by the enhancements, neither were willing to talk about it.

How does one explain getting enhancements through intercourse to someone without imploding from embarrassment?

It was around this time that Cloud had enough time to test out his shiny new ' ', and the resulting weeks were absolute chaos.

At first it wasn't that noticeable, a few odd cravings here and there, but the wrong people enacted upon them.

Zack had been complaining to Cloud about wanting pizza, but the only decent pizza place was closed and he didn't want to leave the building.

Angeal, around the same time Zack had been complaining, had the oddest craving for pizza and was horrified to find himself eating the last slice of Genesis' leftover pizza from his last gaming night with Zack. Rather, Angeal became horrified when he was asked why he was eating Genesis's leftover pizza, because he hadn't actually realized what he had been eating at the time.

Genesis was too amused by Angeal's baffled expression to be annoyed that his pizza was gone, telling Sephiroth all about the details (and with photos) when he joined the silver haired general for lunch.

Some SOLDIER's and Turks found themselves craving or eating food they normally wouldn't have touched, and the staff began to take notice when a 2nd Class SOLDIER had eaten a seafood noodle dish that he had taken from the Turk's common kitchen, when he was fully aware he was allergic to shrimp.

The Turk who the dish had belonged to was annoyed to find his lunch was gone later on, but he had been a bit preoccupied with getting the SOLDIER to the infirmary. Said Turk had only managed to get his favorite dish for the first time that week as the store he ordered from had their shipment of shrimp delayed.

A company wide group chat was then created, and it was mostly used to notify others about the strange cravings.

The fact that those self-same cravings later disappeared without trace after the posts about them was not as remarkable as most people had thought.

Keith was just glad that his janitors no longer had to clean up the puddles of sick around the building from people eating food that didn't agree with their stomachs.

The next signs of things being odd was when Cloud had been observing some SOLDIER classes.

He was bored enough to check in on these classes, as Zack was off on a hunt for some monster scales for Omael who had been spending some time with Scarlet, wanting to create stronger yet lighter body armor for the Turks. However, Turks didn't have the same amount of Mako as the SOLDIER's, and so he wanted to develop body armor that could be worn like clothes, and there was a monster who had scales for skin that looked like fur.

Zack had been cooped up in the building for so long that he had leapt at Omael's request, and so that left Cloud with nothing to do.

The class he was sitting in on were fairly decent in their swordplay, however he could spot a vast majority of them were making the same mistake, over and over again.

And frankly that ticked him off.

Going by the fact their instructor wasn't pointing this out, most likely they hadn't even noticed the mistake themselves. But Cloud had.

Well, considering he had several decades of fighting for his life under his belt, and one mistake could get your head chopped off, these SOLDIER's weren't under the same sort of pressure.

 _Perhaps . . . maybe he could . . ._

Cloud had been wanting to test out the limits of his ' ', and given how widespread the 'cravings' had gone, he was fairly confident that these SOLDIERs were part of the network.

He focused solely on that one mistake, repeating it over and over in his head as he stared at the SOLDIERs, reaching out through the strands that he was connected to.

It took a fair few minutes, he was about to give up on the idea completely, but then he noticed.

One, just one, was moving unlike the rest.

Exactly the way he had imagined it.

 _Holy Minerva it worked!_

Cloud was hard pressed to hold back his cackles of glee, and he dove back into concentrating.

He was going to have this group of SOLDIERs into tip top form once he was done with them!

-o0o-

Frank Miller was paranoid.

Very paranoid.

Considering the shit that went down in the past few months, he had a valid reason to be on edge.

The last odd incident had been the cravings, something that he hadn't been subjected to himself, but he had seen how miserable it made his colleagues. Koby Alvin had been one of the unfortunates to consume a dish that didn't agree with his digestive system and spent a week in the infirmary as a result.

But something weird was happening again.

And he seemed to be the only one to notice it.

It first started when their swordsman instructor, Sergeant Leighsman, praised Davidson for his diligence on the katas they had been practicing.

Now Davidson was the slacker of the class, they were all picking up after him in the dorms (causing several demerit points in their dorm checks) and he was always copying from their notes.

And somehow he was completing a kata perfectly, a kata that they weren't touching until two months into their next swordplay course.

It didn't help that Davidson had started, almost absentmindedly, picking up after himself more recently either.

The biggest shock, though, was when the class were drilled on the katas they knew.

The entire class performed the current course katas perfectly, then went ahead and performed the next swordplay course katas at the same level.

The swordplay class that they weren't due to start for another six months.

Frank was starting to freak out as he seemed to be the only one to notice this, but the others were all too happy to take in the praise from their instructors, either unaware of this sudden development or too drunk on praise.

They were at the bottom of the pack, after all.

It was during their final examination of the katas that confirmed things for Frank, that he wasn't going crazy.

As congratulated them for their perfect katas, Frank noticed that some of his squad mates were a bit shaken, confused and staring at their swords with perplexed expressions.

It wasn't until after his own examination when he heard, _inside his own head_ , a smooth masculine voice.

 _"You're Welcome, by the way."_

Well, that wasn't ominous at all, was it?

-o0o-

After finding out the extent of the web, Cloud decided to take it up to the next level.

Zack was quite familiar with communicating between each other, and so took him up on his offer without hesitation.

They then proceeded to freak the living Hel out of anyone who stumbled across them and their 'planning sessions'.

I mean, if you came across the two of them in a break room, their faces completely spaced out like they were high on shrooms, and randomly bursting out sentences without knowing the context, it would freak anyone out.

Many secretaries and paper pushers could attest to that, most scrambling out as fast as they could (no they didn't need their lunch to be heated all that badly; they could just eat it cold).

The best time was when the two of them were on opposite ends of the parade grounds, where most of the SOLDIER and Turk departments were training.

Seeing them both all spaced out, to the point that even Angeal wasn't able to snap Zack out of it, then Zack suddenly turning to where Cloud was leaning against a tree with the yell of "That's not Fair, Cloudy!" and getting the reply of "Of course not, You're the Fair!" was perhaps the most worrying of all.

And it only got worse from there.

-o0o-

Sephiroth was the next to join Cloud in his 'tests', often seen talking to a 'silent-as-Hades' Cloud as they roamed the halls or the parade grounds.

Sephiroth needed to get up every other hour otherwise he would be stuck at his desk for the whole work day, and Cloud needed someone to talk with.

It was a win-win situation.

At least; it was for Cloud. Sephiroth; not so much.

It was the fifth day in to these daily talks, that Sephiroth was alerted to the fact that he was talking to Cloud in a full conversation, and yet Cloud was completely silent. So how the heck were they keeping up said conversation?!

Sephiroth was perplexed and adamant that Cloud had been responding to him, but once having a video of one such talk filmed on the parade grounds the day before shoved in his face, Sephiroth began to see what the issue was.

In the silence that followed his epiphany, he was dragged off to the psychiatrist's office (because Cloud got off his ass unlike a certain former President and actually hired one) for an evaluation.

One that he passed with flying colors (one at a SOLDIERs level), which left everyone besides Zack and Cloud very confused and concerned for their General.

Zack rectified the issue by publicly scolding Cloud; saying it was mean to put Sephiroth in such a confusing situation. Cloud was overheard retorting to Zack's _rare_ lecture; that it apparently was payback for the last time Sephiroth had stolen three crates of his Mako-Breaker Moonshine along with some sachets of Choco-Kick Meteors, and then proceeded to mix the two.

Apparently Sephiroth didn't remember his thievery, or the result of such, as Zack went on a rapid tangent of how Cloud shouldn't have 'gotten payback' for something poor Sephiroth couldn't even remember.

However Cloud ended the argument by whispering something into Zack's ear, a smirk that could only spell out 'sinister-plot', and a hissed "Gonna kill the bastard, how dare he?!" from Zack only cliched it.

-o0o-

There were some upsides to the random urges though.

-o0o-

Genesis got the sudden urge to buy milk on the way back from his morning run, something that he started to do now that he could appreciate the much cleaner air since the reactors were being dismantled. He found out later that Angeal had used the last of their milk for his morning coffee. In fact, Genesis got back to the apartment at the exact moment Angeal had been writing down 'milk' onto the shopping list.

-o0o-

Reno, was having a rather bad day. The cyber trail he had been tracking? Gone. Vanished. Zilch.

His favorite coffee? Empty; he forgot to restock it. None of the supermarkets had it either, they had run out of stock.

A newbie Turk had spilled their soda all over his uniform, and his spare was still at the cleaners.

To put it gently, Reno was absolutely miserable.

And given the date, it only made things worse.

Somehow a good 70% of the Turks in the office picked up on his mood, despite him wearing his work mask, and coddled the shit out of him. Someone gave him a pair of comfy sweat pants and a sweater, he got the best hot chocolate with cinnamon to drink and someone else snapped up his case, swearing they would pick up the trail again.

And when he finally spilled out the reason why the date was horrible?

Man, he would not want to tell the tale over dinner.

Tseng, Rude and Veld went on a warpath to hunt down his *ahem* father, tearing his accounts to bits and ruining his reputation so badly that even whores would spit on him.

Given that Reno mentioned how the man's family had blatantly spat in his face, saying that they didn't want their son to be 'dishonored' from having a son out of wedlock and, to make things even worse, the cousins (absolute ruddy snobs) complained that Reno was being stupid and should just come out clean about being a girl.

Hearing this, the Turks informed Keith of the situation, asking him to take care of their youngest member while they went and tore this 'family' to shreds.

Keith was more than happy to do so, Reno and Keith spent the day on the gun range, competing with each other and Lance gave Reno some tips for sniping.

At the end of it all, the Turks had deemed they avenged their family to a satisfactory level, meaning no one would employ that family again, and once the *cough* evidence *cough* about them embezzling company funds into their own pockets for drugs, whores and illegal goods, every single one of those shitstains who dared to insult the Turks' red haired wonder would never be able to join high society again.

-o0o-

Sephiroth had a penchant for migraines, which was common knowledge among his close associates and friends, and something he had inherited from his biological mother.

But to the common SOLDIER?

None of them knew.

So Sephiroth was extremely surprised when one of the 3rds from the last batch before Cloud took over, handed him a packet of painkillers along with a bottle of juice (both unopened) without him even showing the signs of one of his migraines starting up.

This happened at least nine times before it became the norm for him. As long as he didn't have to suffer his migraines for more than twenty minutes before he could even locate his pain pills.

-o0o-

Things got weird when the Tsviets became part of the weird urges.

Scarlet was a busy woman, and once Zack returned with those scales she and Omael had requested, she wasn't able to give Nero and Weiss the attention they required. She had become quite attached to them and had adopted them once they were cleared by the medical staff.

Finding a babysitter for the two of them would be nearly impossible, but when one of the civilian staff randomly offered to look after them while she worked, Scarlet was astounded.

Happy, but astounded.

As she should have expected, Rosso and Azul did not respond to being seperated from Nero and Weiss in a positive way.

Rosso threw fits, and poor Azul would go blank like a computer screen. It got so bad that Rosso became quite violent and Azul began to freak people out when he went limp and unresponsive until Cloud had to come sort the two of them out.

A week after the initial separation, Scarlet could not bear to see the four of them being so miserable, and therefore adopted the other two.

The babysitting worked itself out after that, Weiss liked to care for the younger three, and Rosso was the only one who could calm Nero down on the rare occasion that Weiss got upset.

Which meant Scarlet only required one babysitter on hand when she was extremely busy, but still she got many offers to look after the four on a daily basis.

Most of the times she got offers, it was when she thought of posting a 'babysitter needed' ad on the Company Group Chat.

At least Shelke enjoyed having her playmates around during the working day.

-o0o-

Cloud decided that they needed to interact with younger members of the public, and at least try to integrate the families of the employees more.

Most employees dealt with older teens at the youngest, new cadets, and so when faced with young children in public they began unsure and tended to panic as they did not know to deal with said children.

So he implemented 'Bring your Relative to Work Day'. Once a month relatives of the staff could have access to the building, and free daycare would be provided for staff that had young children.

After the first 'Relative-Work-Day', Cloud began to have a hunch -no, he was certain- that Hollander may have not just kept his hands to those he was cleared to test on.

Many civilian staff who he knew didn't have kids or younger siblings, somehow knew exactly what to do with the young kids. They knew how to settle the rowdy ones down, they knew exactly how they liked their food, and even what to do during the nap times.

And just like between him and Zack, they did it all without speaking.

Several of the parents or relatives of the kids began to express their concern, when they were told by the children that the adults who took care of them were "just like momma" or "daddy", and Cloud finally went to Omael.

He needed to know exactly how far his ' ' stretched among the staff.

-o0o-

Pranks.

Pranks were the bane of Keith's existence.

Before it was manageable, being able to overhearhear someone plotting the pranks, or a quick check into their message history, but some certain children of his had found a loophole.

It didn't help that the tutoring that Cloud gave him had allowed him to 'overhear' many other people thinking on the Net. Many of which had no idea that they were broadcasting.

For a good few weeks Keith had to deal with the aftermath of several pranks, many involving Sephiroth who didn't have a clue why he deserved it, so much that he came to Keith on the verge of tears he was so frustrated.

That was when Keith snapped.

Sometimes Sephiroth needed a few pranks, because there was a valid reason why he had one pulled on him, but this time; this time Sephiroth had done nothing.

Nothing. At. All.

To deserve this.

Naturally he went to avenge his baby brother.

He was so enraged that he didn't even know how he hunted down the ones responsible, only that he had traumatized a bunch of Turks so badly that Vincent was fetched to talk him out of throwing them off a roof.

According to Shiro and Lance, who had been in his office at the time and ended up looking after an exhausted Sephiroth and a fussy Nuka, his eyes had lit up like Christmas lights before he snarled out one of the names of the Turks responsible, and took off like a man possessed.

Cloud went to dismantle the traps that had been set up in Sephiroth's apartment, it seemed that Vincent had let slip some of the traps Cloud had made during his 'sugar-experimentations' and these Turks had taken it upon themselves to replicate them. And decided what better way to test them, but on the Silver General?

Needless to say Tseng, Veld and Vincent put those Turks on the most mind-numbing and tedious missions for several months.

But it seemed that Keith's unbridled rage had awoken a strange sort of skill.

Cloud had given him full disclosure to what the Net was, Keith knew exactly how it worked and given enough focus he could pinpoint people and thoughts. But that took a lot of concentration and he had to think specifically about that person.

Except now it was like the link he had with the Net had blown wide open, and he could tell exactly who was speaking even if he had never heard their voice before.

It was so similar to Cloud's abilities, although it was definitely weaker as he didn't need the very extensive shields that Cloud had been forced to construct.

Thanks to this new skill, it became very easy to crack down on the pranks he deemed dangerous or unnecessary. And sometimes petty.

Over the next few weeks he proceeded to scare the absolute crap out of the potential pranksters, many of the staff who considered him as 'Dad' freaking out when he caught them, one Turk shrieking "HOW DID DAD KNOW ABOUT THAT?!" as the small group tried to flee an enraged Keith (they had been planning to flood a bathroom and Keith was not happy about that at all, because the carpet on that floor had been only laid last week after they fixed the rotting wall problems).

However, with this new found skill, Keith found it extremely hard to shut his connection off.

This lead to him hearing every single prank and having to deal with it, much to his own expense and irritation.

Shiro and Lance had also begun to access the Net, although it was more like a buzz than actual words.

They weren't exactly happy when their boyfriend returned to their apartment everyday, exhausted to the bone and had no energy to do anything else except flop onto the couch and let Nuka climb all over him, attempting to soothe his aching migraines.

Cloud had alerted Omael once Keith began to complain of migraines, which meant it was that bad as Keith preferred to suck it in rather than let his friends know he was in pain. Now that the vents had been dealt with, Keith was trying to find time in his schedule to have some sessions with Cloud to try and build some shields against the Net, but with so many pranksters their sessions were barely five minutes long.

It got even worse when Nuka wasn't able to comfort Keith. Omael had to operate on the humanoid feline once Nuka had attempted to start speaking, a garbled 'Daddy' causing all three to jump and call Omael about it. Hollander's files were never 100% accurate, Omael put it down as 60% but Keith had no faith in the scientist at all and said 30%.

Turns out it was more like 40%, as they found out that Nuka's main vocal cords were humanoid and the second set was a false set, one that felines used to purr.

So during the week that Nuka was recovering from the operation to correct his malformed vocal chords and various checkups that followed, Keith was slowly going off the rails.

Being haggard as he was, it wasn't surprising that during his various missions to disrupt or prevent pranks, that his reactions were dulled.

Nobody realised this as they were more preoccupied at getting the Hel away from the janitor who was seething murder, until one of the pranks backfired.

Some curious newbie Turks had been assigned to clean up the offices of Hollander's interns, some of which had been fired or incarcerated after they had been found helping the scientist with his tests of their own free will, and various . . . interests.

And of course when one finds unlabelled vials of strange colored liquids, human curiosity won over and the Turks decided to test them.

It wasn't until they had actually tested the vials out (because they weren't that stupid to use it without knowing the exact side effects) and once they had assured the vial's contents were completely safe, they proceeded to use it.

At the time Keith didn't know who the intended target was, but he was more concerned with the vial of murky brown liquid that he knew came from Hollander's labs (he had been in there enough times to recognise his vials), but due to having spent the past week having to deal with various pranks, with very little sleep, his attempt to catch it failed and the entire vial broke over his head.

The liquid quickly soaked into his scalp, and he barely had a moment to swear before his vision faded and there was an audible 'thud' as he hit the floor.

He vaguely heard someone shout, but blacked out before he could recognise who.

-o0o-

He got lucky.

Turns out the other vial the Turks had been planning to use (that Omael confiscated) had quite the explosive effect, but had muddled it up when they almost got caught by Genesis who had been passing by the labs.

The vial that broke over his head turned out to contain an experimental hair tonic, as the intern who had made the batch suffered from hair loss, and quickly explained that it worked perfectly but he still had to work out the immediate side effects. Thus explaining why Keith blacked out and suffered persistent itching while the hair grew out.

In a matter of hours, his hair had gone from reaching his neck to halfway down his back. Once realising what had happened, Keith had gone to Vincent and asked 'how the frick he dealt with this much hair'.

Vincent was not much help, as he never wore his hair up once, and thus Sephiroth took it upon himself to help in the matter. As Keith's scalp was still quite itchy and sensitive from the rapid growth, Sephiroth fashioned Keith's hair into a loose braid, luckily his fringe had only grown a tiny bit so his hair now hung over his left eye but retained enough volume that it tended to bounce instead of lie flat.

Lance and Shiro had been taken aback at Keith's new look, but Lance took to it like a fish to water, exclaiming how floofy Keith's hair was, and when Keith muttered about cutting it, Lance had managed to convince Shiro that Keith's hair was perfect the way it was and he should leave it be.

Shiro happily helped Lance convince Keith that long hair was a plus, and seeing how miserable Lance was at the idea of cutting it, Keith gave in.

Turns out having longer hair meant more time in the shower, and both his boys were happy to help him in that regard. But not in a sexual way, it was just nice to relax and have his scalp massaged after another day of running around the building hunting down the voices in his head.

Nuka was quite happy with the change once he was clear to return to the apartment, batting at Keith's hair when it was left down. And when Lance tied a little pom-pom to the end of the braid, Nuka had a tendency to chase after it for hours, Keith found it amusing and Shiro of course was quick to take a video of it all.

The rest of Keith's staff found the video adorable, watching little Nuka toddling after his daddy, reaching for the pom-pom while Keith went around the apartment with no clear destination in mind, just walking around to keep Nuka entertained.

They were all quick to ask for a copy of the video once they saw Keith holding Nuka, who had the pom-pom clasped between his paws, squishing the light blue fabric and making a sound that sounded like a cross between giggling and trilling.

Cid suggested they get in touch with Nanaki again, because he thought that Nuka was scarily similar to the cubs of that particular species. Keith had to agree when it was explained to him, and it was yet another thing Hollander had to answer for in the afterlife.

However, even Cloud had to admit Keith was at the end of his rope, as the pranks had increased in number despite the whole building knowing Keith knew their unspoken plans.

The increase in pranks meant much more inappropriate timing for Keith, as the pranksters decided they would have a better chance of success if they set their pranks up after Keith had gone home, or before he had shown up for work. Keith had a much more laid back schedule, as he tended to come in at the same time as Shiro and Lance, meaning he wasn't in the building at the crack of dawn or nine in the evening.

Thus meaning that at randoms times in the evening or early morning Keith would randomly swear vehemently, often startling his two boys and Nuka, and rush out the door with rushed apologies.

-o0o-

Cid had become a normal sight around the ULTIMA tower, although he tended to turn heads when he had his wings out.

Yep.

Wings.

Turns out Mako, when the body had a high enough stable store, tended to induce mutations in order to allow the body to function better with the said store of Mako. It was a completely separate and different occurrence entirely to the mutations that JENOVA forced, that alien bitch only focused on the Hive-Mind when she was still alive.

He wasn't the only one of their group afflicted by new body modifications either. Yuffie had various scales making up part of her skin and while bullet and blade proof, she had to get her clothes specially made to accomodate the scales as she overheated when said scales were covered.

Tifa didn't have much visible alterations, she was a bit more stockier than she used to be but the major difference was the fact she now had acidic spit, some unfortunate men *cough* morons *cough* found this out the hard way when she melted through the chains they had bound her with.

Nanaki didn't change all that much, all he got was the ability to stand and walk on his back feet for a limited time. He was also sure that when he got used to the different center of gravity, and was able to actually walk properly on his hind legs, he'd be able to switch between the two at will. Having an extra 'thumb-like finger' on his front paws certainly didn't hurt either.

Barrett was one of the few that had the most obvious and largest additions, a large tail that he was at first pretty pissed off about, but once finding out it made things much easier for him as he was still getting used to his new prosthetic arm, he found the tail quite useful.

Poor Reeve had the heightened senses that SOLDIERs usually had, without the SOLDIER strength. Keith was very quick to supply him with rum spiked hot chocolate every morning, something to help him get through the day.

These little modifications became evident over the next few weeks, SOLDIER's and Turks finding out skills they never had or minor aesthetic changes to their bodies. All of ones with the physical changes went to Omael or his subordinates, who were very discreet and kept the information behind closed doors, but Cloud of course was informed of the situation.

From what he had heard, there was a Turk who could produce a spider-like silk from his wrists, but ended up raiding the kitchens for sweets (and ended up fighting a few newbie SOLDIER's for the last candy bars). Another Turk found himself with impeccable aim with any object that had a sharp edge or blade to it, many of his compatriots finding this absolutely hilarious as his codename was in fact 'Blades', until he turned his new found skill on them. The Turks went way over their uniform budget for that month, and the scissors continually went missing until they found Blades had horded them all in his desk drawers.

But back to Cid. He had wings, and a rather . . . increased libido.

He also had an increased liking for a good fight, but he had been known for that before.

His now heightened sexual drive became an issue, until he found a rather pleasurable solution.

Turned out there were many Turks and SOLDIER's just as frustrated as him, but were hard picked to find hookups or partners that could keep up with them.

And considering JENOVA's influence had been burned out of their enhanced systems, they had a much freer range in their impulses.

Cid had been diagnosed as a Satyriasis, and the knowledge spread among the staff. The satyr found himself with plenty of offers when he had the urge.

So far his record was wearing out 5 SOLDIER boys and 2 Turks in one night, something he was quite proud of and brought it up any time someone called him old.

Cloud had provided an apartment for him anytime he was in Midgar, but he tended to bed hop a vast majority of the time when he was around.

Since he was in and out of the building every fortnight, he wasn't that aware of Keith's predicament until he ran into the man in question.

Cid was aware that Keith easily wore his 'boys' out, something he would have expected given his enhanced state, and he had his first proper conversation with Shirogane.

Shirogane ("Call me Shiro") was a pleasant man, polite and clearly treasured his partners, so much that he asked Cid for tips despite being extremely embarrassed in the process.

Things were made easier when Keith accidentally gave them enhancements (he was so mortified and freaked out that they didn't have sex for a week, but eventually got so frustrated that things went back to normal), but when he ran across Keith in the hallways, he knew something was wrong.

Cloud had updated Cid about the situation, Keith had ended up leaving all the janitorial work to his subordinates as he had to deal with at least five pranks a day, all varying in their destructive capabilities. What Cid didn't know what how spaced out these pranks were, and how much it was driving Keith up the wall.

It was almost 11PM, and he had just had a quick romp with a 2nd Class SOLDIER, and he had another offer with a Turk in ten minutes, when he ran across Keith in the hallway of the SOLDIERs dorms.

Now, this wouldn't have been odd, as Keith used to work these hours a couple of months ago, but Cid had seen Keith leaving with his two boys around 5PM for several weeks.

And given the state Keith was in . . .

There was something definitely wrong.

His clothes looked like they had been pulled on in a rush, his hair was messily tied back, the bags under his eyes were almost Vincent-worthy, and he had a twitch that just wouldn't stop.

Given he was growling under his breath like a drakeling, he was a bomb ready to be set off.

Keith didn't even notice him until he ran head first into Cid, muttering a short apology before moving to slip past him.

Cid was grabbing his shoulder before the thought even crossed his mind.

"If'n ya wanna break from these Ijits, jus' lemme know."

The look in Keith's eyes, was like he was looking at a god.

"Oh dear Gaia, Cid, you have no, no idea how much, that, that means." Keith sounded like he was on the verge of crying, and when he heard a small sob, he was calling up Shiro as quick as possible.

He made a note to let Cloud know that Keith was in such a bad state, he was slipping into his Nibel accent.

Cid wasted no time in calling his next 'appointment'.

"Oi, ShadowStep, Imma havta cancel. Why? Well, Imma gonna show some sol-i-dar-i-ty wit' ma fellow 'fly. I ain't gonna be in anyone's beds unless Keith gets back to 'is with 'is boys. No, I don' care 'bout tha'. Ya, I know how I get, tha's why Imma doin' it."

-o0o-

Shiro and Lance were quick to explain the situation when they arrived, Lance ranting while Shiro cradled Keith to his chest, muttering endearments as Keith actually wailed into his shirt.

"It's been a month. A fricking month! Any time we set time aside, he's running out the door cause some idiot decided to fuck shit up! And tonight was the worst! We actually got to foreplay for the first time in 30 days! Then he's swearing, apologising and cussing to get out the door and prevent some fucker from putting hair remover into the shampoo bottles on the fourth floor! Even I'm hearing the voices now!"

He was so loud that the whole floor of SOLDIERs were awake, peering out their doors at the furious man who looked like he was ready to murder someone.

And then he turned on them.

"If any of you shits even think about another prank, I'm gonna show you why they call me 'The Sniper'! I've grown up with five siblings, so I know how to make your lives Hel on Gaia!"

Given that he added on a growl that held a faint resemblance to Keith's dragon speech, his words certainly held some weight to them, and the SOLDIERs quickly spread the message regarding Lance's threats, and the Turks spread Cid's message.

No one questioned why Keith didn't come in for a week, and Cloud finally accepted that he couldn't keep the company in the dark anymore.

-o0o-

Keith had been back at work for four days when Cloud sent a company wide email out, concerning those who had been afflicted by the odd urges, new found skills and various mutations.

Thus the reason why at least 78% of the ULTIMA staff were all seated in one of the various conference halls.

Keith was still upset from his month long fiasco, and so no one bothered to comment how he choose to sit in Shiro's lap on the side of hall (somehow Cloud had managed to shove a couch into the room), but as long as Keith was appeased; it was worth it.

Nuka had chose to join them as well, lounging over the laps of his parents, purring like a broken coffee machine as a paw patted Keith's back, but would growl at anyone who stared at the four of them.

Eventually they were all seated, and Cloud began to tell the reason why they were all there.

"How many here remember the company wide announcement that I made about JENOVA and the resulting Geostigma Plague?"

The staff all stared at each other, going by their expressions about half remembered and the remaining half had shitty recollections.

"Yeah, that wasn't a joke. Why anyone thought that way, I don't know. JENOVA ensured all those infected would become her 'puppets', and I'm putting that lightly. Those with higher mako concentrated cells would be the first to be afflicted, and was the reason why General Hewley was admitted to the hospital for treatment."

There were several gasps and choked breaths among the crowd, they had all been aware that Angeal had been in the hospital, noticing his absence at the gala, but never knew the reason why.

"However even though the 'queen' of the hive mind is dead, that doesn't mean the hive mind itself has been dissolved. It is hard-coded into the infected's biological structure due to the mutations that JENOVA caused, to the point that removing it would have drastic effects if we attempted anything. Up to and included death from the psychic shock of the hive mind's removal."

Someone swore in the crowd, but was quickly hushed by their neighbour, as Cloud certainly wasn't stopping there.

"The calm that you all felt? The sudden ceasing of something you had no idea was there until it wasn't any more? That was JENOVA being removed and, while you may feel this is an invasion of your privacy, I had to insert myself into her place in order to stabilize the mental network and stop it from collapsing. Simply to ensure that none of those afflicted were affected with the consequences of another human's greed."

Cloud then went on to explain the various effects of the past few weeks, how it had started with those weird cravings. That they were the result of a connection between two members of the new , so if they had found themselves eating something they normally wouldn't have tried in the first place, that was because someone else had that craving.

Reno was quite mortified (and touched) when Cloud touched on people picking up on other's distress, realizing that was how the other Turks knew he was having a bad day.

Scarlet was more than pleased to know that was why she had those sudden offers to babysit, but then realised that meant Hollander or one of his cronies had to have slipped something into her food or drink that made her part of the network.

And then . . .

The pranksters realised why Keith knew exactly what they had been up to.

Especially when Cloud mentioned that when Sephiroth had been the victim of a cruel and horrific prank (and he would make anyone who tried to replicate that prank again rue the day they were born, plus everyone had heard about Keith dangling Turks off the roof), Keith's connection to the Net had been forcibly expanded, giving him access on the level of third-in-command. And as Keith had been focused on issues of pranks, that had ended up being the only thing he had been hearing on the Net for the past several weeks.

And as the pranks had become varied in their timings, they had led Keith to the point of a mental breakdown. He also announced that yes, Keith was in fact enhanced and they could clear up that rumour that been going around for years, meaning he had the same issues as SOLDIERs and Turks regarding urges.

"I'm sure you're all aware of what happens if a SOLDIER First is denied for a week. He. Was denied. For a month."

Yeah, many of the SOLDIERs went pale at that fact. _Especially at the SOLDIER First bit._

Keith grumbled from his corner of the room, those who had been the main pranksters began to sweat profusely, as if they could feel his rage through the Net.

Actually, shit, they were. Cloud could feel exactly how pissed he was.

"Keith, stop broadcasting please, now is not the time."

Considering that Keith had staved off the sexual urges of enhancements through drinking extensively over the years, the moment he had access to a willing warm body (or in this case, bodies), he wasn't going back. He got a taste, and like Shiva's Tits he was going back to his old ways.

Keith showed exactly how he felt, flipping the bird to the crowd before burying his face into Nuka's fur, but receded from the Net with the grace of a rampaging dragon.

 _Yeah, those shits were going to feel that for hours._

It was at this point, that all the information Cloud had just given them, began to sink in.

Cue the entire room, freaking, right the fuck out.

Cloud let them had their 5 minutes of panic, but when it reached the ten minute mark, it was starting to become an actual headache.

So he focused in on the web, sending out a blanketing wave of calm.

He didn't realize that he was over-exerting himself until he hit the floor unconscious.

-o0o-

Keith was swearing a blue streak when he felt Cloud calming the web down, Zack being closer to Cloud was the first to reach the younger man when he hit the floor, sweeping him out of the hall and leaving the other's in charge.

Sephiroth was quick to assure them that Cloud would be fine, and they were all dismissed for the day, given how the information they had just been told affected them greatly.

If they had any queries or questions, he advised them to write them down and they would be answered via a private forum on the employee website.

They could be posted anonymously to the forum or a post box that they would place outside the science department in the next few days. Genesis had to chime in that Zack was also an authority on the Net if people were too intimidated by Cloud and/or Keith to ask in the forum.

Most of them were going to go to Zack. It was a given.

The employees filtered out of the hall, most chatting away to each other but they all gave a wide berth to the couch that was by one of the exits.

It took several hours until Cloud woke up from his impromptu collapse, dazed and confused like he had been hit by a Meteor (the actual spell from the Materia, not the candy), and required help to just even sit up straight.

A day after and he was still out of it, Angeal deciding to look after him as Genesis did not have the patience and Sephiroth was far too busy, Zack was being swamped by questions.

Omael had forbidden Keith from doing any work for several more days, as he had to take some supplements to get his levels back to normal now that his mako count was readjusting itself. And the only way they were prying Shiro, Lance or Nuka from him was with an adamantite crowbar.

It took overall, a week for Cloud to properly recover to an acceptable standard, and even then he was just on a light workload, and had a limit of checking the five times a day.

Just in time for Genesis to sprout the black-feathered appendage that had started it all the first time around.

Cloud leapt on his only chance of telling Boredom (if it was an actual entity that liked to screw him over) to fuck off, and rushed to the Hospital to get the Hot-Tempered General into the operating theater. Before guiding Genesis through the process of getting used to new appendages once he recovered, something he excelled in.

Once Sephiroth got his own set of feathers ("It's as Silver as your hair Seph!, Why'd I get Black and Angeal White?!"), it soon became common for the lower ranks to suddenly find a new set of teeth or wake up with a tail, or even in the hospital. The wings were the most common, but also the most dangerous of the mutations, as the medical procedures to deal with when they first emerged had a higher risk of going wrong.

Over time, it became the norm, in a much shorter time frame than one would normally think of in this sort of situation. At some point, most of the newer Thirds and senior Cadets really couldn't wait to be 'winged', as if it was some sort of initiation.

Shiro and Lance were still trying to get used to their enhancements, and now they had this.

Keith's answer to it all?

 _"This is the norm for us. You think you've seen it all then something comes along to challenge that."_

The largest issue really, had been explaining to the public.

And man, that had been a shit show in itself.

-o0o-

 **OMAKE**

-o0o-

Keith's mutation had been one of the more quieter reveals, many had been speculating what kind of mutation he would have, causing a betting pool that Cloud was more than happy to throw his own stake into.

Roughly about two weeks after Sephiroth got his own wings, the first signs began to emerge, although no one beside Shiro or Lance knew exactly when, as Keith's hair had covered the initial signs.

Keith had been finally cleared to get back onto his duties, and so it was during his morning mop up of the lobby (it was a therapeutic for him) that the secretaries noticed his skin wasn't as smooth as it always was.

He had been brushing his bangs out of his face, and that's when the two ladies noticed a smattering of scales under his eyes, a galaxy of burnished gold and bronzed ochre.

They reported their find to the betting pool, but as they didn't have a full clarification of Keith's type of mutation, the bet went on.

-o0o-

Turns out the scales didn't just stop there, as Reno found out when Keith joined him on the gun range. Keith unzipped his uniform and tied the sleeves around his waist, leaving his torso covered in a thin strapped undershirt, revealing he had the same colored scales along the length of his spine, almost like ridges upon his skin.

There were a few scattered on his shoulders, a ring of scales like a draped necklace of gold around his collar bones, and Reno could see the outline of some on his hips and stomach, but he found out there was a whole lot more when Lance turned up to join them.

Reno stayed for about another five minutes before clearing out, but hung back as he had a lot riding on that betting pool.

Keith and Lance got quite competitive when it came to firearms, and believing it was just them on the range, Keith had no issue with pulling his undershirt off when it became drenched in sweat. He had by now learned to bring a spare set of clothes when he came to the gun range, especially as most of the staff were more sensitive to the smell of gunpowder. It didn't hurt that, much like Yuffie, he also had to be careful about overheating.

It became regulation for those who used the range to change before leaving, so as to prevent a majority of the staff sneezing for the rest of the day.

Reno got a whole eyeful of Keith's stomach outlined in gold-tinted white scales, which looked much smoother than the richer colored scales that had already been seen.

He added this find to the betting pool, but they all agreed that it didn't help much, as they already knew from the scales it was a reptile-like mutation.

-o0o-

Vincent, who may or may have not been part of the pool, noticed the next mutation.

Omael had finally gotten a free slot for lunch with them, as he had been swamped with the various mutations and questions that came with them.

They had all decided to treat themselves, and found a quaint little place that served a variety of baked goods and fantastic chicken kebabs.

Keith had found the kebabs to be delightful, and ordered another batch for him to take home, but when Vincent tried to take a piece, he found his sleeve pinned down by a sharp set of claws, which had pierced right through the bullet proof material and into the table.

When he looked up, he found himself looking into a pair of slitted pupils, a faint ring of gold around them, the ice blue reminding him faintly of materia as they seemed to glitter like a spell about to go off.

It was at this point they could classify his mutation as an apex predator; either being a Zolom or something Summon based, but no one wanted to try and see if he had the instincts of either option.

 _Cloud's bet of it being a Dragon was scoffed at, but at that point they should have realised there was a reason he stuck to his bet._

-o0o-

Genesis was the next to add info to the bet, he had come across Keith browsing through the Forum, as he had swapped with Zack to monitor the page.

Apparently there were some idiotic questions, as Keith looked ready to burn the monitor in front of him, Genesis could practically see the smoke - hang on a sec . . .

He really did see smoke.

As he needed evidence for this, otherwise no one would believe him, he whipped out his phone and started recording, catching Keith spitting smoke on film to show to the betting pool.

The Salamander option was looking pretty sweet right now.

-o0o-

Sephiroth, found new information to add.

He had a rather stressful day, his feathers were literally ruffled, and so Keith had taken pity upon him.

After work, Keith took him to a bar he had been interested in for a while, but needed proper supervision in case he went overboard.

The bartender didn't even blink when Keith asked for six bottles of whisky, and a bucket of ice along with their glasses, passing what they required with a professional finesse before checking on the other customers.

Keith brought the tray up to the second floor, where they had their own little booth overlooking the stage where a jazz band was playing.

They had gotten through the fourth bottle when Sephiroth heard it.

Sephiroth had switched to a bottle at this point, but Keith liked it when the ice soaked up the whiskey, savouring the taste on his tongue and crunching the ice that remained.

He was sipping from the glass in his hand, slitted eyes focused on the band and the music, his gold tinted eyes glimmering like fire in the soft lighting.

There was a rumble coming from his throat, the sound deep and warm, Sephiroth felt like a blanket had been draped over his shoulders

"I should bring Shiro and Lance here one time. What do you think?"

Sephiroth didn't even realise he had gone into a daze, eyes snapping up to Keith's eyes rather than his throat, coughing before answering the question.

 _When he later explained the rumbling to the betting pool, they all became rather perplexed._

 _All of the signs they had thus far, narrowed it down to some sort of reptile apex-predator, with an affinity for fire and possibly magic, most of the ones who bet on a Summon felt they had a good chance. Many of the other gamblers were changing their choice with the penalty of having to add more to the pot._

-o0o-

The last sign they got was revealed to two who weren't even in on the bet, but were aware of its existence.

Lance and Shiro got to witness Keith chewing out some newbie Third who thought it would be funny to try and Master a Blizzaga without authorisation on his first day of handling natural materia.

It was during his already ten minute long rant on why Mastering required authorisation of a 4th-tier Materia caster, when they noticed something was off in Keith's words.

He was curling his S's, and his accent was gaining a hissing undertone to it, similar to a snake's hiss in fact.

Keith apparently caught their eyes on him, and with an impish grin (that they had by now come to recognise as his 'I'm-gonna-cause-some-mayhem' look, the very one that got them tumbling into bed in the first place), he opened his mouth and licked his lips.

For the past few days, they had noticed that Keith had begun to talk with his mouth shut as small as possible and refrained from yelling, choosing to chew out troublemakers in quiet yet chilling monotones.

But now that he actually began to yell at the idiot third, they understood why.

His tongue, had undergone some changes.

No one, to their knowledge, had a mutation that involved their tongue, so this was a first for Shiro and Lance.

Keith's tongue in fact, was now much longer than the average tongue ("So that's why he's refrained from kissing! Would've been awkward with a four foot long tongue like that."), and as they watched on, it split.

 **IT SPLIT.**

Right. Down. The Middle.

The Third looked on aghast as Keith's yelling began to die down, too shocked to say a word as they watched the tongue continue to split to about half its length, both side acting like an independant tongue.

It was when Keith curled both sides away from each other and actually, _waggled, yes, waggled_ the two sides in opposite directions.

Lance out a genuine whimper, tugging on Shiro's arm and whispering "Oh my Gaia. Shit! Why is that hot?"

Keith obviously heard Lance's comment, slipping his tongue back into his mouth, causing his blue eyed boy to squeak and drop face first to the floor, groaning with his hands covering his head.

Shiro tried to casually cover his crotch, nodding to Lance's unanswered question.

Genesis had impeccable timing, as he witnessed Keith's tongue splitting and the reactions he got, sniggering as he uploaded the video to the chat exclusive to the betting pool.

"I'll take over from here. You go have fun." Genesis grinned, stepping side to let Keith drag his two boys, who were in dire need of attention, out the door.

Everyone avoided Keith's office for several hours after that.

 _The betting pool took the video in two ways._

 _One, actually analyzing it._

 _And two, making comments._

 _Zack didn't help things when the first thing he said after watching it was "Huh, Cloud's isn't THAT long. Wonder if that means Keith's gonna be laying eggs?"_

-o0o-

The betting pool finally got their answer two days after the 'Tongue' Incident.

The company had thought that Cloud's mutation was rare, the only one given where he grew up and what he had been through.

So it never occurred to them, that perhaps Keith could have been one too.

But since Cloud's one did have a cycle, as some other mutations did have, the company was made aware he would be unavailable for a few days every, three or so months. So it was a period, yet a bit more spaced out in between those dates.

These days were referred to as a 'Rut', and so when Cloud did go into his first Rut while in the company, Keith became pretty much responsible for Cloud's duties, as Zack and the General's were absent for one or two of those days.

However, when Cloud entered his second Rut, Keith had by now shown all physical traits of his mutation.

So when the company was informed that Cloud's Rut was coming up in the next few days, they expected a smooth transition of Keith slipping into the administrative role Cloud held.

Except Keith kind of threw their expectations out the window.

Keith had walked into work with Shiro and Lance, both his partners noting how he seemed to be extra twitchy that morning, his eyes slitted and a constant grumble in his throat. It was when a Turk possessing a canine class mutation brushed past the three, that Keith, sort of, lost it.

Now Lance didn't have a problem with public affection, but even he drew the line when Keith proceeded to stick his tongue straight down Lance's throat. And then he began to aggressively bite and nip at Lance shoulders, pulling the fabric of his uniform away from his skin so violently that it ripped.

Shiro, who at first was shocked, quickly dove in to try and calm Keith down, completely confused at what had set him off. Only to receive the same treatment and a bite that drew blood, hissing slightly from the sting but held tightly onto his boyfriend who began to growl up a storm.

Everyone around them backed away, except for the canine Turk who was staring at Keith in both aghast horror and awe.

"Oh Gaia, that's the same scent Strife had his first time!"

There was a hush upon those in the lobby, which then was broken as one of the gamblers exclaimed "YOU MEAN HE'S A FUCKING DRAGON?! Shit, I just lost a month's worth of salary."

Genesis, who had arrived in time to hear the confirmation (his impeccable timing strikes again), squealed at the idea of another fire class mutation among them, and then seemed to realise the situation.

Everyone was quickly vacating the lobby, and Genesis rang Zack up to inform him Cloud was probably about to enter or already was in his Rut. Cloud had made it known to the Firsts that if a Dragon entered a Rut, any other dragons in the vicinity would sync up and enter their own Rut (or Heat, depending).

 _"Little too late for that warning Gen! His started about 5 this morning!"_

-o0o-

Now that Shiro and Lance knew what was going on, they managed to coax Keith back to their apartment, once sending a text asking Vincent to look after Nuka for the next few days as they would be occupied.

The company had a minor freakout once realizing both Keith and Cloud were unavailable for the next few days, depending on how long their Ruts lasted (if another Dragon was in the vicinity, Ruts or Heats tended to last a bit longer), but the two in question didn't really care about anything else besides their partners.

It was a full five days before they returned, both a tad sluggish but well sated.

Keith tended to be quite clingy after his Rut, given how he kept scenting his boys and never went anywhere without one of them.

Cloud on the other hand, became fiercely protective, and that was how his relationship status got announced to the company, as they noticed who Cloud was the most protective of.

The shock of finding out Cloud was in a five-way relationship with the three Generals and Zack, far outweighed the fact that Keith was a dragon-class mutation.

Well, really there was only two people who were going to 'appreciate' the full extent of his mutation.

-o0o-

 _There were some complaints that the bet had been rigged in Cloud's favor, but given how Keith had grown up in Nibelheim, the scales really should have clued them into what kind of mutation he would be._

 _Cloud really didn't need the money, but it was always nice to win a bet._

-o0o-

 _A/N: Ahhhh, I am free from uni! Well, not really. Got to read textbooks and start prepping for essays, but I'm on my mid-semester break! Which means more writing with_ _ **ChaosBalance.**_

 _But yep, this is probably the longest chapter we've ever done, and I had way too much fun writing this despite coughing up a storm, tail end of a cold._

 _Until the next chapter!_

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_


	19. Chp19:DragonTaming:HowToWooYourDragon

_**Chapter 19: How to Woo Your Dragon**_

-o0o-

 **AKA: How Cloud managed to snag four Firsts as his mates.**

-o0o-

 _So, this chapter sort of takes place during the previous chapter, giving a slight indication of how Cloud, Zack, Sephiroth, Genesis and Angeal sort of got together._

Disclaimer: As usual, all characters belong to their respective franchises.

-o0o-

The Puppy had been missing.

It was actually a little worrying that Genesis had been the one to mention it, and not Angeal.

Since the strange series of events had been occurring, Angeal had been quite perplexed and baffled at his odd food cravings (Genesis was not helping if him buying pizza and take out more often was an indication).

Sephiroth had been paranoid ever since his psych evaluation, even though the Puppy had rectified the issue showing it wasn't Seph going crazy but CEO Strife trying some tests on this 'Net' that kept turning up in conversations between the Pup and their CEO.

Genesis seemed to be the one least affected among his partners about all the strange happenings, he just rolled with the punches, and if it got to the point he couldn't understand it, he would go to Keith.

 _Oh right, his_ _ **partners**_ _._

Yeah, he had more than one.

Sephiroth refused for their relationship to be labelled as boyfriends, the term sounded juvenile and he liked to think their affections were more just teenage hormones.

Angeal didn't really mind what they labelled their relationship as, if they were happy he was happy.

 _But back to the Puppy._

Genesis was well aware of Angeal's thoughts on his former student, he was the one who had to put up with 'Geal spouting the boy's praises and the obvious pining (he knew Angeal since he was a kid, he knew how 'Geal looked when he pined, he put up with it for the entire SOLDIER boot camp as they mutually pined over Sephiroth).

Sephiroth had also given an interest in Zack, the Pup was one of the rare few Sephiroth didn't throw out of his office after five seconds of mindless chatter.

Genesis himself found the Puppy appealing, he was one of the few in the company that got Genesis' competitive streak fired up, and if having the Pup as part of their relationship made his partners happy, then he didn't have a problem.

Although trying to add Zack to the relationship would be a bit strained given the close bond the Pup had with CEO Strife. They certainly had a brotherly bond, but at this point they were almost joined at the hip. If one needed to find Zack, the first place would be to find Cloud.

However, they had all been made aware that the CEO was unavailable for a few days, so there was a possibility Zack wasn't with Cloud.

So if they wanted to woo Zack, they would have to be prepared to include the CEO as well.

Which was why Genesis had taken the initiative to go and check with the CEO.

Strife had been living in the apartments blocks outside the Tower, but as the incidents had been growing in number, he had ended up moving into the President's apartment in the building (after a deep thorough cleaning, he had asked Keith if it was possible to do a cleansing by fire).

 _He certainly didn't expect to find what he did._

-o0o-

He had probably rang the buzzer about fifty times, and he was certain Zack was there.

The Turk posted the floor below (the President's quarters could only be accessed by the stairs on the floor below) had confirmed Zack was in the CEO's quarters, he had been there since yesterday and going by the logs he hadn't left.

Genesis huffed in annoyance, this time banging on the metal door (Strife had installed it himself, the first thing he had done was tear the old wooden door out to refurbish the apartment).

"What in the name of the Goddess are they doing?!" Genesis spat, angrily texting a message to the group chat he had set up with Angeal and Sephiroth.

 _Found him, CEO's quarters. Turk confirmed._

Stuffing his PHS away, Genesis could hear footsteps from behind the metal door, faint as it was. Letting out a sigh of relief, he crossed his arms over his chest as he waited for either Strife or Zack to open the door.

The moment the door opened, he sort of regretted not waiting for confirmation that his partners had seen the message.

The smell that emanated from the apartment was a heavy musk, rich like a dark chocolate, and Genesis found his knees going weak.

Zack himself seemed to be in the same condition, wearing a pair of track pants that had been hurriedly shoved on (he knew the look, Angeal did it all the time), his hair ruffled and his torso beaded with sweat, leaning heavily against the door frame.

"Uh, Gen, right now is really . . . not a good time."

Genesis would have verbally agreed, but the growling he could hear from behind Zack made him just nod his head.

He would not deny that he squeaked when Strife wrapped his arms possessively around Zack's waist, biting and nibbling on the Pup's shoulders like it was a chew toy, which was when Genesis was able to find his voice.

"Um, why is, Boss so out of it?"

Zack just raised an eyebrow at this, and managed to hold it despite Strife leaving a visible bite mark in the crook of Zack's neck.

"Do you really wanna know?"

"Probably not."

With that, he turned and fled, only faintly hearing Zack shout out "Come back in two days, he'll be better then!"

When he ran into Angeal and Sephiroth on the stairs, neither of them questioned why he dragged them down to their shared apartment, they certainly weren't complaining when he began to tear their clothes off.

Sephiroth managed to send in a text saying he and 'Geal weren't making it to work today.

-o0o-

Genesis had told Seph and 'Geal about the warning Zack gave him, but given the state their auburn haired lover had returned in, they chose to ignore that warning.

Plus, Angeal was getting a little worried.

Zack had gone **silent** , which he never does unless it was a _Mission requiring radio silence._

There was a difference.

Genesis was still completely wiped out from yesterday's romp, so they left him a note before heading up to Strife's quarters.

 _Genesis would later find this, cuss almost on the same level as Highwind, and race as fast as he could up to the CEO's quarters._

"Do you want to knock?"

Sephiroth glanced down at Angeal with a perplexed expression, normally Angeal was never hesitant when it came to his former student, but given they were dealing with Strife, this was a whole new territory.

"I, suppose I shall." Even Sephiroth found himself hesitant to knock, but if Angeal was unable to, then he would do so.

It took one knock, and Sephiroth would not deny that he let out a startled yelp as he was dragged inside.

Genesis was just in time to see Strife sink his teeth into Sephiroth's shoulder, Angeal was straining to keep the door open (Strife was trying to pull it shut), and began trying frantically to think of how to resolve the situation -

But it was Zack who was the one to prevent the situation from escalating into violence.

Although the younger man being stark naked made things rather awkward - _but only for a minute_ \- letting out a loud whining sound that made Strife pause in his mission to mark the skin of Sephiroth's neck with bruising red.

"Cloud, why don't we go back inside? You made such a lovely warm, soft nest. It'll get cold."

Strife took those words into consideration, and let go of Sephiroth to return into the depths of the apartment, grasping Zack's wrist along the way.

The Pup was able to quickly throw out a "Join or leave." over his shoulder, before disappearing into the large bedroom that they were all aware of (Strife had commissioned them for help removing the furniture from the Presidents apartment, which he later burned in the courtyard).

Well, with an invitation like that, how could they say no?

 _Angeal did take a little coaxing though._

-o0o-

"So . . . . You look like you were busy."

"Please, can we not talk about it?"

Keith just impishly grinned at his little brother, the silverette hiding his face in his arms as he slumped over his desk.

"I mean, the limp you were sporting, that takes some effort to get to that point. Just be glad it was only me and Fido who saw you three leaving. And given you raided most of my good foundation to cover up the marks, which I would like compensation for, I get to gloat a little."

Sephiroth could only muster a small glare, his eyes glowing slightly as he tried to merge into his desk.

"Oh, don't give me that look. Who do you think Angeal asked for bruise balm? And the soothing cream that I only know the recipe to? I'm guessing Cloud really tore into your back, because he asked for five containers."

"Can we not? It feels mortifying to be discussing my sex life with you."

"But you're the only one I can tease! Cloud just looks smug anytime I try."

"Maybe try Angeal or Genesis?"

Keith blinked.

Sephiroth began to regret his suggestion.

"I'll be right back."

-o0o-

Genesis wouldn't speak to Sephiroth for a week.

Which was amazing given how much Genesis wasn't ashamed of their sex life, Keith must have teased him for ages if Genesis was this pissed off at him.

That didn't stop Genesis from flaunting the marks he had earned though, given that Cloud had no issue with uniform choices. As long as it covered the appropriate places and didn't make anyone feel uncomfortable; the staff could wear whatever they wanted.

It took two weeks for the SOLDIER's and Turks to approach Keith and ask if he could do something about Genesis' new choice in fashion, namely being the crop tops that showed off the canvas of bruises and bitemarks he had received. While it was amazing that the bruises hadn't faded yet, the sight of them made the staff wince and cringe.

Keith chose to keep ambushing Genesis with jackets and shirts, causing the man to shriek everytime Keith pounced on him, and after almost having a heart attack from one ambush, agreed he would start to wear his usual clothing.

Angeal . . .

No one teased or bothered him, the man was already beating himself up on the inside.

He spent a good half of his days holed up in his garden, only emerging for food, sleep and missions for the next month.

It took perhaps two months before things were back to normal, Zack and Cloud would have tried to address the matter before hand, but Keith had taken both aside and asked for them to let the trio talk it over, to give them time.

Trying to deal with the random and rapidly increasing mutations, plus contemplating a five way relationship, was a bit too much pressure on the three.

Around the two month mark, Keith was becoming too worn down by the pranks and as much as Cloud would have loved to try and pursue a romantic relationship with the Generals, he needed to make sure Keith didn't get burnt out.

Cloud and Zack finally were able to address their awkward situation with the Generals when Keith got doused in an experimental tonic from Hollander's lab. They needed to distract the three as they had all become quite worried when they heard about Keith. Once being informed that Shiro and Lance were tending to Keith, they were able to relax, but it was clear to all that the three were still fretting.

So Zack suggested they all have some fun.

Cloud was far too quick to agree.

 _The damage they caused tobogganing down the spiral staircase was worth it when the three SOLDIER's were laughing like a pack of school children, Reno just saying to the staff watching from the floors above "Big Boss is the Boss, but even he can have his Blonde Moments."_

-o0o-

Keith was not happy to find out about the damage, his eyes focused on a suspiciously Cloud-shaped dent in the wall next to the first floor stair access door.

Although he had to admit it was a good way to test the integrity of the walls.

Lance just compared the dent to the image of a bug-on-a-windshield, and the General's all cracked up laughing at the description,.

-o0o-

It was during the time that Genesis was stuck in the hospital recovering from his wings mutation, that they finally were able to address their 'problem'.

"So, what are we?"

Four eyes turned to Genesis, who was clad in the standard hospital robe and staring at his hands in his lap.

"By we, do you mean . . ." Angeal trailed off, clearing his throat with an uncomfortable expression on his face, trying to not look at Zack who clearly knew what Genesis was referring to.

"Us! As a relationship! I'm tired of ignoring the fact that we've all clearly got some chemistry going on, and I want to put a label on it at least! It's driving me nuts!"

Sephiroth had to agree, it was bothering him as well, but he was unsure of how to go about it. It had been Genesis who had also insisted they put a label to their relationship all those years ago, he was the one who normally took initiative.

"There's no problems in the sex department. You three have been in a romantic relationship for years, Zack and I have been together for a few months." Cloud stated, instead of looking like the hard worn warrior he usually was, they could see him with all his walls down, as someone who was in dire need of affection and love.

Zack was able to give him some of that love, but it was obvious Cloud needed more.

Could they provide that for him?

"How does a test run sound?"

They all turned to Sephiroth, the one who had given the suggestion.

"We won't know until we try."

"That's . . . actually not a bad idea." Zack murmured, glancing to Cloud who looked slightly apprehensive, but hopeful at the same time.

"It couldn't hurt to try. But let's wait until I get out of the hospital?"

Genesis' comment made Angeal chuckle, and they all agreed to wait a little longer.

Although Sephiroth being the next to get his mutation caused a bit of a delay.

-o0o-

They had gotten about two weeks into their trial run when they all agreed the relationship could work.

Which was great because Cloud's rut was due soon, and they wanted to be on the same page before that came around.

Once it was confirmed they were all in a committed relationship, Cloud insisted they all move into his apartment, Zack explaining it was a subconscious possessive urge as part of Cloud's mutation.

Hearing about the possessive display Keith gave when the janitor hit his rut confirmed how strong that aspect of a dragon mutation could be, making all four SOLDIER's glad they moved in. They didn't want to think what Cloud might had done if they hadn't agreed, and they never wanted to find out.

After Cloud's second rut, where he finally was able to lay claiming marks on all of them, they could officially call themselves a mated pack.

And they began to quickly learn the difference between Cloud and another Dominant Dragon mutation.

While Keith was unlike Cloud in the fact he had no issues with showing his scales off, mostly because his work varied and his uniform did get a bit stuffy (he still had to get around having a specialised uniform made), Cloud liked to keep his covered, except for the few scales on his arms.

Despite how pretty Keith's scales looked, they were not allowed to touch them, as it caused Cloud to get quite huffy and tried to bury them in his scent. Keith explained it was a territorial thing, Cloud was closer to a normal dragon regarding instincts towards mates, Keith was a bit of an oddball in that department.

Cloud and Keith both were on the similar levels of strength and magic, but Cloud was on a higher level mentally. He also had the same heat and magic vision as a dragon, neither of which Keith had but there was an indication Keith could unlock the magic aspect of dragon vision.

They found out about the heat vision aspect when Cloud had been walking around the Tower, just doing some rounds as he wanted to avoid paperwork for the afternoon. He had been passing one of the supply closets (thankfully not a janitorial one or Keith would have thrown a fit), and come to a sudden halt.

A Turk and the general staff in the vicinity were all startled when he suddenly punched a hand through a wall and dragged a befuddled intruder out through the broken wall.

The fact that the level Cloud dragged the intruder out of his hidey-hole, was the one below the Turk's department, had them all rushing to find out exactly how the intruder had got in.

They were not happy with Cloud's answer of "I saw him through the wall", and when they asked Keith about the odd answer, the janitor just smirked and gave them a shrug before skipping off to find Lance at the gun range.

But the one great thing about there being two dragon mutations in the building meant they could tell when both would have their ruts.

If one started, the other would soon follow.

Which meant they only had to plan for one instance every three months that the two would be unavailable for.

-o0o-

 _ **OMAKE**_

-o0o-

Shiro and Lance were both happy that Keith was happy in his own skin, the scales were a nice touch, but they noticed there was a tad difference between them and Cloud's partners.

Zack said it was a mating bond.

He couldn't show it as it was a private thing between mates, that was how Cloud described it, so when Lance asked the CEO about the mating bond, it seemed he knew exactly what the problem was.

"A mating bond is for life. Keith most likely feels that if he makes one with you both, he'll be tying you down. Normally a dragon mutation wouldn't stand to not have a bond with their mates, but Keith's mutation is odd. Either he's aware of the instincts telling him to claim you both and he's suppressing it, or he's not even aware of it at all. From what I know about Keith, he wants to give you options but he's afraid to hear how you might respond."

Lance and Shiro were now very glad they left Nuka with Keith, they didn't know how he might respond to what Cloud had told them.

"So, we just have to be blunt then?"

It was easy to see that they were both determined to talk to Keith about it, and Cloud knew Keith would try to avoid this sort of situation as much as he could.

"Yep, be blunt and direct. Good luck!"

-o0o-

 _By the next rut, Shiro and Lance were both sporting a fresh mark each._

 _Cloud's mates found it impossible to be around the two for more than five minutes, the fresh scent of a new bond made them uneasy, which Cloud later explained was because fresh bonds were fragile and Keith would have been scenting them both aggressively to ward off other dragon mutations and their mates._

 _Once it matured it would be fine, Keith had obviously explained it to his mates as they didn't seem at all bothered when Zack or the Generals seemed uncomfortable in their presence._

 _It took almost a month for Keith's mating bonds to mature, and things went back to normal._

 _Well, as normal as it could get around here._

 _It wasn't long before Lance and Shiro showed signs of their own mutations, Lance being a generic wolf and Shiro gaining a Zolom mutation (one of the rare ones and he freaked plenty of people out a lot when his eyes gleamed gold)._

 _Keith and Shiro pampered Lance plenty when he began to have self doubts at his common mutation, not hesitating to tear into anyone who dared to mock Lance for being the normal mutation in a bond with two rares._

 _Nuka was just happy that one of his parents had a fluffy tail like him._

 _One things both Lance and Keith agreed on was they loved the fact Shiro's mutation was a latent mutation, meaning he didn't end up having a tail like they had fretted about, only his tongue and new fangs were the physical changes, plus the gleaming gold eyes. Thankfully instead of a tail, when Shiro walked he seemed to slither instead._

 _The only other Zolom mutation in the building was a Turk, who ended up gaining a tail, which made his position in stealth and support a little easier, but it took months for him to work out how to switch between legs and a tail._

 _So they all thanked the Goddess every day that Shiro hadn't had to go through that._

-o0o-

 _A/N: So, hope you all enjoyed,_ _ **ChaosBalance**_ _of course helped me all the way, I'm sometimes mixing up facts from both the Janitor Verse and the Sugar Verse, so_ _ **Chaos**_ _helps to keep me in check._

 _Well, that's me for another chapter, hoping that you all liked it, and be prepared for the next one!_

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_


	20. Chp 20: Sleep Deprevation Is A Hazard

**Chapter 20: Sleep Deprivation Is A Hazard**

-o0o-

 **Let's say . . . Keith doesn't do well without sleep and having idiots keep him from sleeping.**

-o0o-

 _Another update! Kind of short, I think, but at least it's something!_

Disclaimer: As per usual, characters belong to their respective creators, except the OC's that have been spawned as a result of this story and the tweaks we've made to characters.

-o0o-

Keith was having a bad day.

You see, it was his day off, but Shiro and Lance had both left early for some introductory appointments as they got settled into the building.

He had gotten up to see them off, but found it impossible to go back to sleep after that, ending up curled on the couch with Nuka watching whatever was on at that time in the morning.

It didn't help that he really had little to no sleep, having pulled an all-nighter and returned at almost 4AM. Despite cuddling up to Shiro and Lance, he only managed to grab little 4 or 5 minute naps, so he was currently running on fumes.

Then Nuka got fussy.

Like real fussy.

Nuka very rarely cried, so when he did cry it tended to freak them all out, which meant Keith jumped on it right away.

No matter what he did, Nuka continued to cry, curling up into a ball and wailing into the couch cushions.

By the time Nuka's crying reached the two hour marker, Keith ended up calling Omael hoping he would have a clue of what Nuka might have, simultaneously looking up the symptoms Nuka was displaying on his home computer. The rumbling tummy Nuka had was worrying him, but since Nuka wasn't exactly a normal baby, he could just check with a veterinarian or a pediatrician.

Despite Nuka's crying, Keith managed to hear Omael over the phone, the scientist suggesting it could be colic.

Which accurately fit the symptoms Nuka was displaying.

This was going to be a long few hours trying to get him to settle down.

-o0o-

He had just gotten Nuka to sleep, even with Shiro and Lance's help it had taken a while, when a Turk trainee chose it as the perfect time to jump him.

"I've only just got Nuka to sleep, since he's suffering from colic. You wake him and I'll put on trash duty for the next year."

Once the Turk had fled, Keith returned the kitchen blade back to the knife stand before going for the shower he had planned on having. Shiro and Lance joining him wasn't a bad bonus, but he would later have to swing by Tseng's and make a complaint about being jumped in his own home.

However, instead of going for that power nap like he had intended once finishing his shower, he got a phone call from the general management.

"Yes?" He didn't even try to hide the annoyance in his voice.

 _"Help? There's a cadet with his head stuck in a stair railing."_

Keith found himself dumbfounded, pulling his PHS away from his ear, looking at it, before holding it back up to his ear and asking "I'm, I'm sorry? Could you repeat that?"

 _"A cadet got his head stuck in a stair railing."_

"Wha - how, how'd he get his head stuck in a stair railing?"

 _"Um, I can explain later but he got his head stuck on the outside of the railing and we can't hold him up for much longer, please hurry!"_

Keith felt his right eye twitch.

"Alright, I'm on my way."

He ran off as fast as he could, muttering curses under his breath the entire way, and happily took out his irritation on the cadet as they cut him loose.

 _That cadet would later on develop a fear of both stairs and Keith, even taking a whole different route if he ran across Keith in the hallways._

-o0o-

It had been 58 hours since Keith had taken any proper sleep, 2 minute power naps didn't count.

He had managed to go make a complaint to Tseng, who couldn't bare to look him in the face given the love bites his boys had given him during his shower, but he got a promise that there would be no Turk trainee ambush's in his home from now on, and in the entire Turk apartments.

At this point he had probably run through 70% of his normally bottomless pit of patience, but when it hit the 70 hour mark of going without proper sleep, he didn't care anymore.

The cause for that? Somehow there was an acid leak in the SOLDIER floor bathrooms, which left the entirety of SOLDIER that was living in base quarters to be displaced due to the flood damage.

And of course he was the only one that could sort it out since no one else was available in the housing allocation department, they were all clocked out for the night and their department head, Vlad Wolkin was currently on a well deserved vacation.

So he stumbled through four hours of assigning temporary lodging and cordoning off the area to prevent any idiot from wandering in and getting themselves seriously injured.

It was around the 76 hour mark that he was ready to murder someone.

It was now 6AM, and the day had begun for the early birds, mostly the morning janitors and those that liked to torture themselves with starting their work when the sun was barely in the sky.

So when some self-entitled pompous little twat rocked up to his office to complain about how the janitors weren't doing a proper job, because there was one, tiny, miniscule, little, coffee stain in his cubicle from the previous occupant . . .

Keith snapped.

It didn't help that the guy was hated by his entire department, as he barely acknowledged the regulations and safety requirements, only staying true to it enough that they couldn't fire him for negligence and keeping up with company conduct.

It wasn't the panicked stammering from Sephiroth's secretary that clued the General in on the problem, it was the incoherent screaming from several floors down that did.

Kristen barely got a sentence out before Sephiroth was dashing into the stairwell, bursting into Keith's office just in time to prevent Keith from actually choking the employee to death, who was literally a moment away from ascending into the afterlife.

Zack and Cloud had both heard the commotion, the Puppy dragging the employee off to medical while Cloud and Sephiroth held Keith down, actually terrified when it took an enormous effort on both their parts to keep him pinned to the floor.

Keith was throwing out a slew of Nibel curses mixed with what seemed to be gibberish (which Vincent later confirmed to be quite colourful cursing in the Ancient's language), snarling and growling like a rabid dragon.

Through the gibberish and curses, Cloud was able to translate snippets, enough to realise what the issue was.

Keith was severely sleep deprived, and had reached his breaking point.

So much it was driving him loopy.

Omael was called up and he administered a sedative strong enough to down a dragon (he wasn't actually sure but basically it was on that strong a level), it took a painful eight minutes for the sedative to kick in.

Sephiroth and Cloud sighed in relief when Keith went limp, the General shaking out his numbed limbs and Cloud's fingers were cramping up.

It was there and then they both decided to never let Keith get that sleep deprived again, otherwise someone might actually die next time, and they wouldn't be able to stop him.

Shiro and Lance took him home, to a worried Nuka who had overcome the colic, more than happy to snuggle up with his exhausted parent.

 _Keith would wake up two days later, wondering why he felt like he was experiencing the worst hangover ever, and had no recollection of the 76 hours he spent without sleep._

 _No one mentioned it to him, they rather not relive the experience._

-o0o-

 _ **Omake**_

-o0o-

Keith was very confused.

He couldn't recall the three days he spent without proper sleep, Shiro and Lance had both caved when he asked them why the date was wrong, but they had no idea what he had been doing since they were busy with their introductory course.

They did let him know how Nuka had ended up with colic, which Keith had spent most of one day looking after him, but that made Keith curious as to why Nuka had colic in the first place.

They had been feeding Nuka with formula so far, but one of the more common causes of colic was milk protein, and they hadn't given Nuka anything other than formula.

So how that gotten into Nuka's system?

Thankfully (for him) he found that out pretty quickly.

Nuka liked to wander the Turk apartment building, and was smart enough to know not to leave it without one of them, the Turks were pretty chill with him wandering round.

So when Keith ran across a familiar looking Turk, who for some reason made his hand itch for a knife, about to feed Nuka something that certainly wasn't formula, he was on the verge of exploding.

The Turk took one look at Keith, seeing murder on his face, and began to babble out an apology for jumping him (so that explained the knife twitch), but that wasn't the apology that Keith wanted.

That Turk then suffered a half hour lecture on what causes colic in babies, the symptoms and treatments, Keith dredging the information up from his subconscious.

Apparently it had stuck, given it was the first illness his child had gotten, it was pretty darn important information to him.

Shiro and Lance ended up running across Keith in the last few minutes of his lecture, the Turk crying and in a dogeza position while Nuka just watched on.

It was there and then that the Turks learned to never feed Nuka unsanctioned foods unless they wanted to suffer the wrath of Keith's overprotective Dad mode.

-o0o-

 _A/N: From what I can remember, we were talking about sleep deprivation, I think I had been up for quite a while and then ChaosBalance said something about being up for a long period of time as well at some point, which spawned into the idea of Keith being severely sleep deprived and then proceeding to snap because of idiotic things needing his attention._

 _And so this chapter was born!_

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_


	21. Chp21:SoWhoHasADriver'sLicense?

**Chapter 21: So, Who's Got A Driver's License?**

-o0o-

The budget is reviewed, and Cloud notices an issue.

And so goes to drastic measures in order to cut down on budget.

-o0o-

 _It's been a while! A long while. So here you go!_

Disclaimer: All characters belong to their respective franchises. The usual.

-o0o-

It had come to Cloud's attention that . . . most of the SOLDIERs had no idea how to drive.

They were spending a ton of Gil hiring drivers or the Turks got pulled out of assignments to transport SOLDIERs to missions outside of Midgar.

This had come up during the monthly meeting, which consisted of them mulling through old budgets reports to see where most of their finances were getting sucked up by.

Lazard was oddly absent from the meeting, meaning when they came across the expense labelled 'Transport' for the SOLDIER budget, Sephiroth was of no help. Lazard was the one who handled expenses, Sephiroth assigned SOLDIERs to missions based on their past accomplishments and rank.

Keith tracked Lazard down the next day and asked him why the Transport expense was so large, and Lazard broke it down for him.

The 'Transport' expense was for fuel, vehicles and drivers.

When Lazard gave a copy of an old expense report, one that was made before he submitted the final report to the budgeting department, it showed how the cost was broken down between the three variables.

Vehicles wasn't as much, the amount covering damages and the occasional rental fee if they had to use a vehicle that wasn't owned by the company.

Fuel, was understandable. Given the area the SOLDIERs had to cover, it was pretty hefty.

But what was weird, was that the drivers fee, was almost the same as the fuel cost. Sometimes even higher when Lazard let Keith go through other reports.

When they pursued the matter further, it was then that Cloud found out that the company had been hiring drivers, almost every mission that required transport, it was a hired driver at the wheel, or on the odd occasion, a Turk was driving. Which meant they got pulled out of their own missions, which cost the company further as those Turks got a bit of a bonus for doing overtime.

Sephiroth hadn't a clue as to why his SOLDIERs were using hired drivers, he didn't see it as a problem, he thought it was other Shinra staff that were transport drivers.

It was then that Omael, who had popped by for a spot of a lunch and a chat over coffee, that raised the question that solved their dilemma.

"Do the SOLDIERs know how to drive?"

Keith, who had the most interaction with the cadet instructors, besides the higher FIrst Class SOLDIERs, then realised, that there were no driving classes in the cadet program.

The cadets that entered were typically around thirteen, which meant they wouldn't typically have much driving experience at all, and those that were snapped up by the Turks were the only ones that actually got taught how to drive at all.

"Alright, that's it. We're having driving lessons. All the SOLDIERs. I don't care if we have to postpone missions, no one gets assigned anything until they can pass a basic drivers test." Cloud snarled and finished his sandwich (which was goddamn delicious) before diving for his computer to send out a company wide email.

He was already in a foul mood given the barrage of scam calls they had gotten the past few weeks, _which had been dealt with the gracious help of the Turks, but that's a story for another day._

Keith was already writing up a list of employees in the company that he was certain knew how to drive, adding his two boys on the list, as he knew they had to have a full license as a requirement to be a police officer.

He vividly remembered the drive to the Costa del Sol station, and he had sort of rummaged through their wallets to find out who the heck he had gone home with that night the morning after. Plus they did drop him off at the hotel later on.

Once he had the list written up, roughly fifteen people, he went on a hunt to go confirm they actually did have current licenses.

It would be easier to give them some bonus pay to supervise instead of hiring proper instructors outside of the company, plus a lot cheaper.

By the time Cloud had sent out the mass email informing the staff of the current situation, and assigned the SOLDIERs to obtain a driver's manual, one book to each dorm to study up on, Keith had wrangled ten employees to help out.

He was sure Shiro and Lance wouldn't mind either, Lance was kind of a back seat driver and Shiro was strict as heck.

They gave the SOLDIERs a week to study up, Keith along with Cloud began to write up a basic theory test the SOLDIERs would have to sit, if they got less than 33 out of 35, they didn't pass and couldn't move onto the practical.

Shiro and Lance were more than happy to help the SOLDIERs study the drivers manual, posting the times they were available for questions as an attachment to the initial email regarding the driving issue.

They pretty much got swamped and had to borrow a lecture room, having a two hour session each day for a week, for the general questions and small quizzes to see if the information was sinking in.

By the time the real test came about, the SOLDIERs were all nervous as heck, shivering like Shiva was in their presence, Shiro and Lance giving them encouragement as they all entered the test stations.

To save paper and to prevent cheating, the test was done on computers, multiple choice questions or true and false. They had 30 minutes to complete the test, the computer labs being converted into testing stations.

Keith and his janitors had spent the whole day before setting up the computer labs into the testing stations, blocking off each computer so that one would have to physically move their chair and lean back to see the screen of the computer next to theirs, which would prevent cheating.

Each room had a supervisor, telling the testees the rules and making sure no one cheated, another employee would be watching the main monitor which would show each computer in the room, the progress and the scores. The IT department had whipped up a quick program especially for the tests, Cloud made a reminder to himself to give them a bonus and extra vacation days.

The employee watching the monitor would make a note of the time and score when a testee finished, and would pass the results along.

By the end of all the testing, roughly 70% of the SOLDIERs had passed.

A pretty decent number, Cloud then did clarify to the 30% that didn't pass (be it by a small or large margin) that they could attempt the test again in another week. During that week, they would be put back onto assignments, as those were still rolling in. If they didn't pass the test a second time, no worries, they could attempt the tests as many times as they liked.

The ones that did pass, would be able to take small supervised lessons that they had to apply for, to get to know the vehicles as well as drive them. They would be put on only local assignments, ones that could be completed in a day if they had applied for a lesson two days in advance.

Once each applicant, as they only had a limited number of vehicles and limited supervisors, felt confident in their driving, they could apply for the practical test.

No one applied for the practical test in the first week, which was expected.

The SOLDIERs were more meant for fighting on their feet, what use did they have for driving?

Some were actually quite unmotivated, until Cloud gave them an example as to why it would be beneficial to learn how to drive.

Cloud, Reno and Vincent went out to the nearest monster infested roads, the two Turks filming as Cloud showed his finesse and skill in driving, while pretty much annihilating the poor naive creatures that thought he was a fine target (given he sort of masked his overbearing presence, he was baiting them).

He attached the video to an email sent to the entire SOLDIER department, subject: **This is why you should learn to drive** , and the entire department imploded.

The applications for the practical test flooded in, so much that the supervisors for the test were starting to regret helping out.

Cloud gave them more vacation days and a pay rise.

He could afford it, as long as the bloody SOLDIERs could drive themselves to missions.

Naturally, the SOLDIER's had rushed in a bit too quickly, 9 out of 11 tests would end in failure, not really a hopeful result.

Cloud then made it a rule, SOLDIERs have had to attend at least 3 supervised lessons before attempting the test.

Most had only gone to one, so the lessons dragged on.

It went a little quicker when the Turks offered their assistance.

 _For a fee of course._

Keith and Tseng did have a discussion about who could offer up lessons, and who could apply for those lessons. It ended up being SOLDIERs who had received good comments on their lessons and had passed with a full 35/35 score could be approached if they wanted to have private lessons.

Turks who had had least 2 years of driving experience and didn't have any pending assignments could offer lessons, except for Reno.

No one wanted to think how Reno would plan his lesson.

The SOLDIERs that got offered lessons, snapped those up in an instant, but after the fourth traumatic lesson . . .

The Turks found their lessons being in demand less and less.

The few that decided to try (they had nothing to lose) actually did pretty well, passing their practical test with flying colours.

But the other SOLDIERs thought the trauma wasn't worth the result, and so kept applying and taking the lessons the normal staff supervised. Cloud just at this point transferred them over and made a new department, dedicated to driving.

Four months passed, the entire department of SOLDIER had all passed the theory test, and 30% had their learners license; which meant they could only drive cars.

Those that had been taught by Turks gained a restricted, meaning they could attempt the full license test.

If they wanted to have a motorbike license, they had to at least have a restricted before even attempting the theory test.

Genesis turned out to be a rather calm driver, but if you pissed him off he would fly into total road rage. Thankfully he wasn't allowed to carry materia in his car (yes, he bought one, in crimson red of course, what do you take him for), so there were no fire related casualties, just some minor trauma from his onslaught of yelling and general shrieking.

Angeal . . . Angeal didn't really want to drive. He was practically terrified at the idea, his reason being "This is a vehicle capable of killing someone, and you want me to drive it?" Turns out Angeal was kind of anxious in land vehicles, he preferred planes.

Cloud understood of course, so Angeal remained with a learners license.

Zack wasn't actually bad. He passed the theory test on the second try, his driving was okay, but he was jerky on the accelerator as well as the brake during his lessons.

 _Then_ _ **Reno**_ _got involved._

While most were terrified, it turned out Reno was actually the best instructor for Zack; in no time, Zack was flying through the tests and was the first to gain a motorbike license.

Sephiroth had already had his, which puzzled most of the department until he pointed out his blood-father was a Turk.

Cloud did make him sit through the practical, to make it fair for everyone else.

Sephiroth had a shiny new full license by the end of the week.

It took another month after that to see the result, the Transport expense had decreased by over 25% and was still dropping quite rapidly.

Cloud then announced he was going to do the same with the Air and Space departments in regards to the number of pilots.

Cid took on the task quite gleefully, stealing some interested employees and taking them to Junon where they underwent several weeks of study and practice. He produced some top notch pilots, most of which picked up his potty mouth, and the costs kept decreasing.

Then Reeve became interested in the fuel issue.

Needless to say, they didn't have to worry about the Transport expense ever again.

However, the paper expense was a whole 'nother issue.

Reeve had mentioned something about recycling?

-o0o-

 _ **Omake**_

-o0o-

The practical tests had begun, and Keith ended up keeping an eye on things.

Cloud was a bit busy with finding vehicles that wouldn't raise a fuss if they got damaged, the perfect ones for beginners. There wasn't really an up to date directory on the vehicles the company had, and so he wanted to sort that out before anyone used them.

So that meant Keith, who had more than enough time on his hands, was left to deal with the over-enthusiastic idiots who wanted to look cool by getting their license so they could drive like Cloud did.

Little did they know, having a driver's license didn't automatically mean you could drive a motorbike, it only applied to cars. No one had figured that out yet though.

Well, maybe Zack, but Zack was being chased by Reno about something to do with Zack's last driving test (the last time Keith had seen him, anyway).

Right now, he was watching a rather poor attempt at driving by 2nd Class Roweign, who was far too heavy on the pedals. It hurt to watch him as the car jerked to an abrupt stop and accelerated wayyyy too fast at the turn.

"Um, so . . . he's doing bad?"

The next applicant, a 3rd Class who was one of the newest bunch of cadets that had been promoted before the company turn over, Heath Owen (if Keith recalled his name properly), asked timidly.

"Yeah, he's doing bad." There was no point in trying to sugar coat it, this guy . . . he needed more practice.

Given there was at least another ten minutes until Roweign was done, Owen tried to make small talk. The kid was probably nervous and apparently Zack may or may not have over-exaggerated some tales about Keith to the new recruits, so being alone in Keith's presence could be freaking him out.

"So . . . how did you learn how to drive?"

Keith . . . kind of froze.

 _*Cue Kill Bill sirens*_

Keith sort of stared off into the distance, recalling the sounds of screams and crashing in his head.

" _ **BRAKE! STEP ON THE BRAKE!"**_

" _THE BRAKES DEAD!"_

" _TREE!"_

Keith looked back at Owen, who was staring at him with a concerned expression on his face, almost reaching out as if to tap him on the shoulder.

"I don't remember."

His answer was rushed, tone firm and clearly screaming 'don't-ask-you-don't-want-to-know', and Owen was smart enough to leave it at that.

Roweign was done though, Keith gave Owen a clap on the shoulder and whispered "Good luck, you'll do fine, I mean, how could you do worse than him?"

 _Owen passed with flying colours._

-o0o-

"So, when did you learn how to drive Keith?"

For the second time that day, Keith froze up, but it was Shiro who asked, so he kind of felt obligated to tell him. He had been trying to open up more lately to his boys.

"I was 12."

Shiro kind of looked alarmed at Keith's high pitch.

Lance, whom had found one advantage to his wolf mutation, perked up at scent of distress Keith was giving off.

"It did, it did not go well." Keith let out some broken laughter, trying not to crush the cup in his grasp.

"Do you, want to talk about it?" Shiro slipped onto the couch next to him, Nuka already padding over, wondering why one of his parents smelled like panic and anxiety.

"It would take an hour to explain."

"We've got time." Lance joined them on the couch, already sending out an alert to Cloud saying to not let them be bothered, as he had set up with the CEO a few weeks ago as a precautionary measure.

The last time Keith had tried to open up, they had been disturbed for a minor reason and Keith had shoved it all down and refused to talk about it again.

Keith was trying to accept that he had issues and making progress but with all the bad timing and disturbances, it was making it harder than it should be.

"Well . . . Omael and Vincent were . . . kind of worried about my . . . life skills. They knew around this point I sort of taught myself, and they had been giving me educational lessons. So Vincent got it in his head that I should learn how to drive, but the only vehicle in the town was the truck the lab team brought with them. Omael and I were pretty surprised when he returned from the supply trip from Rocket Town with a second hand truck he bought off someone, it wasn't Cid that's for sure."

Apparently what Keith remembered next made him laugh, hiding his face in Shiro's neck as he giggled.

"It, it went so bad. Vincent didn't have ice chains, he didn't even check the truck properly. The brake killed itself, and we had to literally throw ourselves out of it before we hit a tree. And he was so confident that he was a good driver!"

Keith then continued to tell them of the almost impossible things that happened while the two adult men showed him how to drive, and failed badly at it.

They were all in stitches at the end of it all, Lance filing away this as future blackmail in case they needed it.

In summary; Keith's driving lessons were basically a mixture of survival tactics and desperation, he learned by doing all the things he shouldn't be doing, scraping by with the skin of his teeth, and in the end became a pretty good driver.

Pretty much the standard Turk driving course, really.

They lost count of how many second hand vehicles they went through, thankfully Vincent shoved it under as miscellaneous expenses on the financial report.

-o0o-

Vincent had no idea how, but McClain knew about the 'Canyon Incident'.

The incident that was absolute taboo between him, Keith and Omael. To never be spoken of ever again.

That had been 23 years ago, when Vincent had thought it would be a great idea to teach the 12 year old how to drive. Given the kid would have a much better future outside of Nibelheim, so learning how to drive would be a good skill to learn.

The funny thing was, he had planned to teach Keith how to drive in a completely normal way, not the Turk way. But everytime he tried, something went wrong, and it ended up being exactly like how he had been taught, but worse.

If Veld ever caught wind of what had gone on . . . may the Goddess have mercy on his soul.

He did not want to have to explain why he lost Veld's car to a Crown Lance.

Veld thought it went 'missing', Vincent never mentioned he borrowed it.

And it would remain that way.

Although now, if he did anything to piss McClain off, he had feeling the former policeman might mention something to Veld.

Hopefully he didn't do anything in future to earn that man's ire.

-o0o-

 _A/N: So yeah, sorry about the long gap between the prior upload and this one. RL got in the way. But this chapter was influenced because I recently got my learners license, and so it bled into this._

 _While we were writing this chapter, something happened that basically became the reason for the next chapter._

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3  
_


	22. Chp 22: Hello? Who Is This?

**Chapter 22: Hello? Who Is This?**

-o0o-

AKA - I'm fed up with all the scam calls.

-o0o-

 _I'm sure we can all relate._

Disclaimer: All characters belong to their respective franchises, the usual. :3

-o0o-

Cloud, had reached his boiling point.

Now, normally it took a lot, and I mean, a lot, to get him this pissed off.

Not counting if someone messed with the Tsviets though.

But given how he had been constantly spammed by scam callers, he was fed up and itching to deal out some vengeance.

So he called in the Turks.

Who were more than happy to help out in this regards, since they had been spammed by scam callers as well, who took up their precious time and generally pissed the heck out of them.

Because it was obvious the moment they opened their mouth and spewed forth a bunch of bullcrap.

The silent ones were even more annoying, the waiting, and waiting, and then the beeping sound of a call being dropped.

It was frustrating.

Needless to say, the Turks were wanting the same thing.

So they did the one thing the scammers didn't expect.

They scammed them back.

Now, normally this would have been impossible to do, but the scammers apparently didn't realise they had been calling the private company number, which wasn't published on the company website, the number solely for Turks and the higher offices. So the scammers didn't even know who they were scamming.

Which meant it was easy for the Turks to hunt them down.

So Cloud got to watch as the Turks called up, not even bothering to disguise their voices as they repeatedly called the scammers over and over and over and over again.

Repeating the same sort of bullcrap the scammers had been trying to sell.

The first few calls had actually been picked up, the person asking _"Hello? Who is this?"_ in a confused tone.

To which the Turk would reply:

"Hello, I'm *insert name here* from *insert company name here*, and we've seen you've been having problems with your computers. If you could please tell us which service you're signed up with, we can deal with the problem straight away."

" _Uh, but, we've got no problems? Uh, scuse me one moment - "_

They could hear the scammer turning around in a seat and asking someone else _"What the heck? Are you hearing this?"_

"Sir? We've seen you've been having problems with your computers. Which service are you signed up with? The sooner we can fix it, the sooner the problems can be dealt with. Sir, please be quick, we have many more customers that need help."

The person on the other end of the line sounded like they were freaking out, and they hung up.

The Turks waited five minutes, and called again.

"Hello, sir. I'm *insert name here* from *insert company name here*, and your internet connection have been sending warnings, and warnings. Yesterday we were monitoring your internet connection and there have been many warnings."

" _But, but our internet is fine?"_

"No sir, it's been sending us many warnings."

This back and forth went on for several minutes before another person in the room snatched the phone up and cut it off.

The Turks did this sort of exchange for over two hours, and eventually when they tried calling the number again, they were informed that the number they dialled could not be reached. They had probably turned their phone off.

So they called the landline.

That's when they started going on the legal route, mentioning about lawsuits the scammer *supposedly* had, causing the person on the other end of the line to be utterly confused and there was the sound of muffled screaming.

And then they brought up criminal allegations.

They hung up.

-o0o-

The Turks then proceeded to harass and spam the scammers with at least 30 calls a day, be it a PHS, a landline, even managing to get into their social accounts, leaving voice messages for them to find.

Cloud even joined in, making a few regarding mechanics bills, which he was rather knowledgeable in, rattling off fees from a copy of a bill they managed to actually obtain from the scammers email. The scammer had recently got repair work done on his car, Cloud had informed the mechanic shop in question ahead of time, so he knew exactly who worked on the scammers car and the names of the people in the shop.

He had the scammer going for a while, mentioning that they hadn't paid yet, they needed the payment quickly otherwise they would get a warrant out, because they had not paid by the agreed time and the parts had been imported so it had cost the garage a good amount of Gil.

The scammer was freaking out, saying he was sure he had paid, he even checked his online bank account, which the Turks had hacked into and deleted the transaction.

The garage had been paid, but if the scammer called up the boss was happy to inform him it had not been paid, he had been quite sympathetic as his own wife had been scammed pretty badly a few years back, so to hear that one of his customers was a scammer (they gave hard evidence), he wanted to get a little payback, even if it wasn't the same scammer.

Cloud actually managed to get a partial payment from the scammer and handed it off to the garage to thank them for their cooperation, as the scammer had called up to check if the transaction hadn't gone through, which it had, but the boss almost laughed as he listened to his employee happily inform the scammer that the transaction hadn't gone through, and if it wasn't paid in the next week, they would get the authorities involved.

 _This went on for a solid two months, to the point the scammers actually began to cry and beg for it to stop when Reno called them eight times that day, not saying anything but hanging up after ten seconds._

It was so satisfying to see in the papers the next morning, that the scammers had handed themselves into police, confessing to multiple scams that they had committed, including tax scams, service provider scams, it went on and on.

Cloud even got to watch as the scammers were escorted out of the courthouse and back into police custody, giving them a cheery wave and saying in the exact same voice as he had on the phone "Thank you for your payment!"

One of the scammers went utterly pale, eyes wide and jaw dropped as he stared at Cloud, who was known as the CEO of Ultima Services by the whole city, even this guy would have to know that.

-o0o-

Shiro and Lance were more than happy to share their experiences of being called by scammers back in Junon, the most hilarious being when the scammer pretended to be calling regarding a warrant out for them, and not even doing a background check on who they were calling.

So when Lance promptly informed the scammer that his partner was a cop after twenty minutes of back and forth arguing, 'let me just check if there is a warrant for me', the scammer on the other end choked and hung up.

-o0o-

Cloud's personal PHS number became known as the 'cursed number' among the scammers network, because there had to be a network.

It became known as the one number that you shouldn't call, it was a scammer's worst nightmare.

No one knew what the number was though, and those that happened to ring it?

Well, they would be forever remembered as the victims.

-o0o-

 _ **Omake**_

-o0o-

The funny thing was, Keith never got bothered by scam calls.

The scammers had learnt pretty quickly that his personal number was literal Hel if they called.

Keith somehow had a sixth sense for scam calls, or really it was because only those he gave his number out to had a caller ID on his PHS, so any unknown number was a scam caller.

So when he got a scam call, **and if he felt like answering** , he would just sit there with his PHS on the desk, listening to this person talking, asking hello, over and over again, letting them talk until they fell silent . . .

And then he would speak.

In a gravelly voice that only one who could imitate a dragons screech (which was literal Hel on the ears), making rather descriptive and gruesome threats of what he would do to their entrails and corpses, finishing it off with a dramatic cackle that sent the scammers falling out of their chairs and screaming as they ended the call.

The first time Cloud got to witness Keith answering a scam call?

He asked for tips.

 _Very soon it spread throughout the scamming network that the Literal Hel number had multiplied._

 _And the amount of traumatized scammers increased._

-o0o-

 _A/N: Basically while we were writing the previous chapter, I got a call and there was complete silence before they hung up. Recently around that time, we kept getting scam calls and I was getting so mad about it. And then one day, I picked up the phone, the usual spiel of 'This is *name* from *insert telephone/computer company here*' saying we have problems with our computer. I was halfway through telling the scammer on the other end we have no problems, thank you, and they hung up on me._

 _ **The amount of absolute delight that flooded my veins when they hung up on me, was glorious. I legit threw my arms up in the air and exclaimed "They hung up on me!" and my mum found it hilarious I was so happy about it.**_

 _So when I got yet another scam call, I assume it was, I told ChaosBalance and then this chapter was created. Since then I've had no more scam calls, and if it ever happens again, I thinking of all the potential ways I could possibly freak or annoy the scammer on the other end of the line._

 _Just wondering, have you guys ever had any good scam call stories?_

 _My brother previously got a scam caller to hang up, he just took the phone from my mum and said in a jovial tone 'How's your day?'. TWICE. The scam caller hung up on him immediately. I burst out into laughter._

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_


	23. Chp 23 : Tsviet Infestation

**Chapter 23: Tsviet Infestation**

-o0o-

 _The Tsviets have . . . a unique way of napping._

-o0o-

 _It's been a while since this was updated, so here you go!_

Disclaimer: As usual, all characters belong to their respective owners, just borrowing them to cause chaos.

-o0o-

Keith had been having a lovely day.

No one was creating a mess for him to clean up, Lance had endeared himself to the Turk department (who were trying to steal him away for his sniping skills), and Shiro was getting along well with the cadets he was working with.

Then he got a rather unpleasant interruption in the form of the Tsviet's current babysitter calling to complain that Nero had been refusing to eat his lunch and had started screaming and crying when he was forced to.

So Keith wrapped up his paperwork (he was currently sorting through the cleaning inventory, a new online system so there were two sets of records on file), and set off to see what the problem was.

Nero wasn't normally a fussy eater, none of the Tsviets were (except for Azul who apparently had an allergy to avocados), so there was most likely a serious reason for this 'tantrum'.

So when he arrived to find a sniffling Nero with puffy cheeks and clearly in pain, full mother dragon mode was enacted.

The current babysitter was either so blind that his glasses didn't help, or a complete moron, because Nero had lost some weight since the last time Keith saw him (a week ago, happily eating the sandwiches Rosso had made, her first attempt at cooking), and if he wasn't eating anything then it wasn't something he had eaten that was the problem.

The babysitter now seemed to realise Keith was there, standing up and about to explain the situation in more depth, but Keith strode past him and scooped Nero up, making a note to never allow this guy babysit again, before storming out and heading to the nearest dentist.

 _He left Scarlet a voice message as she was currently testing out a new prototype. Informing her of; 1) he was taking Nero to the dentist, 2) the current babysitter was obviously not fit for the job if he either could not or would not realize one of his charges was in a lot of pain, and 3) would update her on the situation when he got the dentist's opinion._

 _He also sent Tseng a text to blacklist the babysitter on the company's list of approved staff, a list that had been made shortly after an unfortunate incident involving a toddler and a cluttered desk._

-o0o-

Nero needed to get his wisdom teeth out.

It was as Keith suspected.

Cloud had gone through the same thing, except they were in a backwater town that hated them and the nearest proper dentist was in Rocket Town, so he was limited in his options.

Keith was just glad he only had to deal with the pain of the teeth emerging and he didn't have to get them removed, one of the lucky few according to dentists he had appointments with.

Scarlet had demanded her other three get looked over as well, just to make sure that problems were caught before they got to the point Nero's had, impacted wisdom teeth were no joke.

It was a wise decision, as Rosso's mouth was far too small for wisdom teeth to emerge safely, and they booked her in for a scan as soon as possible (their one was currently undergoing repairs). The dentist later confirmed that she had scars in the back of her gums that indicated that she had already had hers removed, possibly before she had ever become a Cadet in SHINRA if not shortly after.

Azul was safe for now, but the dentist recommended they bring him back in a few months for a checkup, Weiss was the same but he didn't have the roots in the back of his mouth to suggest that he would get wisdom teeth.

So Nero was booked in once the dentists had x-rays and scans (Cloud had one arranged in their own infirmary and sent the files to the dentist's office), and the procedure was faster than any of them expected.

An hour before the extraction, Nero had been given the 'happy pill' to numb the pain, Cloud helping calm his nerves as they sat in the waiting room.

"You'll be fine, these dentists are professionals and they know what they're doing. At least you don't have to yank 'em yourself with loads of alcohol for painkiller. I swear I thought I'd yanked my own tonsils out for a few minutes until Vincent confirmed otherwise with Materia."

As Nero was enhanced, the dentist had given Nero twice the standard dosage, the teen whimpering quietly and flinching once when the dentist injected the anesthetic into his gums. From there the dentist, once checking Nero couldn't feel much in his jaws, essentially pulled the wisdom teeth out. He gave Cloud a prescription for painkillers and gauze Nero needed to bite down on.

Nero was a bit distracted when they ran into Shelke on their way out, apparently she had also gotten a wisdom tooth out (just the one, the others weren't an issue yet) so she was still fully capable of speech but staggering around with one hand firmly clasped in her sister's, the after effects of the 'happy' pill.

Nero took one look at Shelke, clearly biting down on gauze like he was, and attempted to sprint over completely forgetting he could not walk in a straight line.

Cloud grabbed him before he fell over, the Tsviet shouting, as best one could with their mouth full of gauze "ELFADUNK BUDDIES!"

Shelke began to giggle, she had no idea what Nero said but she was currently high as a kite due to the numbing drugs, but poor Nero could already feel the anesthetic wearing off.

Nero clung to Shelke for the rest of the day, Shalua resigned herself to spending a day with two kids instead of one, but Cloud was nice enough to stick around instead of attending the meeting he was supposed to be having.

He was a responsible adult, so he did give a heads up that he couldn't make the meeting due to Nero needing him during recovery.

 _Little did anyone know just what Nero ended up starting while still high as a kite during his three day recovery_

-o0o-

It was Tseng that found Nero first.

The poor boy had made his distaste for the current babysitter clear when he had vanished while said babysitter was watching him and his siblings.

The babysitter not even realizing he was down a child, even when Scarlet had started screeching at him for losing one of her boys, only sealed his own coffin.

But, Tseng had found Nero just in time to prevent a company wide search and rescue by the entire SOLDIER department. Although, he wasn't quite sure 'found' was the operative word.

Nero was in Tseng's office, on Tseng's couch, with no Turk in the bullpen any wiser on him being there until Tseng paused in the doorway.

The boy was upside down on his back, with his legs curled in so his feet were either side of his head.

Tseng merely picked him up, lay him out on his front, and sent Scarlet a message of finding her missing child.

None of the Turks or anyone else thought anything of it, unless it was to curse their bad luck of getting stuck in remedial training for not noticing Nero sneaking into Tseng's office.

 _Unfortunately it was only the first of many such incidents to come._

-o0o-

Keith first found out about the Tsviets weird sleeping habits when he was enjoying his Friday dinner with his boys, Nuka was being babysat by Omael so they could have a night to themselves.

Since it was a lazy night for them, they had ordered pizza and were sharing a pack of mandarin, lime and bitters, cause they wanted to be completely sober to enjoy their night.

Keith was busy devouring a meat lovers, _that sweet bbq drizzle_ , when he got a call from Reno who was a bit panicked and confused as he explained the situation.

"I don't know how he did it since the damn grate is _half the fucking size of his shoulders at the corner angle_ , but we have an Azul crammed up here in the main corridor of the 56th floor vents, and maintenance wants him out so they can flush the line. He's dead-drop cold, snoring to wake Hades, and _no-one knew he was missing, Yo!_ Come get him please?"

In summary: Azul had apparently gone on a walkabout, and Reno had found the largest of the Tsviets crammed into a vent, sleeping like it was the most comfortable featherbed in the world, despite the fact the opening was half the size of his shoulders.

So of course Keith was needed to get the Tsviet out, since no one else had the guts to wake the kid up.

It took twenty minutes for Keith to pull Azul out of the vent, since the boy had really wedged himself in there and was snoring like a Grand Horn.

" _You owe me a pizza."_ Keith hissed, carrying the Tsviet to the general vicinity of panicked engineer he could sense two floors down.

Reno nodded hastily, as Keith's eyes had glowed slightly and his pupils had narrowed, reminding the red-haired Turk of how Sephiroth's pupils used to be cat like.

If anyone had doubts Keith was Sephiroth's big brother, Reno had evidence to counteract those.

-o0o-

Vincent was the next to discover the Tsviets.

Scarlet had gotten a rather surprising call from the red-eyed Turk, Keith and Omael so happened to be in her workshop when she got the call.

" _Scarlet, where would you like me to put your twins? Their napping in my Coffin again."_

"Oh, just put them in my break roo - WAIT WHAT DO YOU MEAN AGAIN?!"

" _He brought his coffin along?"_ Keith whispered to Omael, who just nodded, he had been the one to walk the man through on how to get a coffin delivered by post from Nibelheim to Midgar.

" _This is the second time I've found Weiss and Nero in my Coffin, I just left them be since they clearly felt safe enough to sleep and had bruises under their eyes the first time. But I have a headache and need to lock the lid just in case Galien Beast slips the chain while I nap it off."_

-o0o-

Omael soon found out how weird the places the Tsviets could get.

One of his newest interns, a bit more flighty than his seasoned interns, was rushing out of the storage tank rooms and heading for the phone.

"I'm so glad I decided to check that Mako Transport tank before filling it, Scarlet would have killed me if I hadn't seen Rosso."

 _Wait, what?_

"Professor Hojo, sir? Who should I call?"

"Uh . . . I'll make the call."

"Oh gosh, thank you, I'll get back to work then." The intern gave him a grateful smile and dashed off, before halting in the doorway to turn back and say "Ah, she's in Tank 5C, it was cleaned two days ago and hasn't been used since so she should be fine I think."

Omael made a note of that and speed dialed Keith to let him know that Rosso had been found, his son in all but blood had resigned himself to being the go to guy for hunting the Tsviets down if they weren't found after two hours, it was five minutes till Scarlet blew a fuse from fretting and rang Keith up herself.

 _They seriously needed to put trackers on those kids._

-o0o-

It was Cloud that rang Scarlet on the most dangerous of incidents.

" _SCARLET! You need to put a tracker on Azul, I swear! How he managed to get all the way to Aerith's Church I have no clue, but I had to catch him when he rolled off the rafters in his sleep. Now he's sniffling in my lap, crying for mommy because of how scared he got!_ "

"How in the bloody blazes did he even get out of the building?" Keith whispered, getting together a bunch of supplies Cloud had requested, while he herded a trio of teary eyed Tsviets to the lifts so he could get them to the garage. Nero, Weiss and Rosso had felt the moment Azul had left the building and began to bawl their eyes out, ditching their current babysitter to hunt down either Keith or Cloud to let them know Azul had gotten outside.

Cloud had set off immediately and Keith sat the three down so he could keep an eye on them as well as blacklist yet another babysitter. Cloud had put both him and Scarlet on a joint call once he found Azul, informing them he was on his way up and Keith said he would meet him in the garage, as the quartet wanted to be reunited as soon as possible.

" _Apparently some of the newer security staff are being trained by someone who has quite the grudge against someone high up. Azul says he got kicked out of the building and threatened with 'Turk Clean Up' if he ever showed his face around the building again. He went to the church because he knows Aerith is a safe person and he wasn't going to risk the bar since Tifa had told him that some of her customers were rather rowdy and she didn't want him at risk of getting hurt when she booted said 'customers' out."_

Keith immediately blew a fuse, keeping his swears internal and he began to mentally roll through the roster of security staff that were qualified to train, and which ones had been pissed off by Scarlet in the past week.

Scarlet apparently had the same idea, running names past him as he juggled the kids, his phone and a bag. Nero was kind enough to hold the phone to his ear for him, as he was currently carrying Nero on one arm and Rosso was tugging at his other hand.

" _It's not just a grudge against Scarlet either, Azul mentioned that the head of the guard unit that literally tossed him out on his ass had been mumbling something about 'unnatural freaks' and something about 'dealing with the ones that corrupted my baby boy' along with other rather nasty slurs against us Shifts. Also, Scarlet, I have to warn you now. Azul's showing signs of Shifting. He's got the cutest little horn nubs poking through the hair at his temples."_

Keith let slip a Nibel curse, thankfully one of the kids didn't hear him, and the moment he met up with Cloud, once checking that the Tsviets were fine for him to leave, he ran off to find out who the heck had been on duty for today.

 _The culprits were quickly hunted down, the racist guard in question screaming bloody murder as Keith went full mama dragon on his ass, not caring that his co-workers were taping the entire thing as he made the guard plead mercy, the shit-stain of a human being pissing his pants from sheer terror._

 _Cloud did much worse to the security staff that had a grudge against Scarlet, the only thing the staff knew was that the guy had packed up and left town before the end of the week._

-o0o-

Shiro supervised the Tsviets as they played with Nuka, Azul was much better but now he was on edge whenever he saw a 'security' badge on any of the staff.

Scarlet was finally agreeing to the Tsviets having trackers, as she didn't want them to feel like they were being monitored like when they had been in that hell hole, but Keith and Cloud were happy to explain that it was to ensure they could find them in case things like this happened again.

The Tsviets were hesitant at first, but once Cloud brought up the fact they could have found Azul earlier if he had a tracker, they agreed.

Those hours without knowing where one of their siblings were had been terrifying, and they chose a nice set of bracelets to have the trackers set in. Only Scarlet could unlock the bracelets (Reeve's idea of fingerprint locks had been picked up pretty quickly), so there was no chance they could lose the trackers, and it allowed the Tsviets to know where the others were at any time.

The Tsviets had major codependency issues, their therapist stating it wasn't strange given the circumstances they had been found in, so having the trackers would be a good step in their recovery process.

They also had attachment issues, which wasn't hard to see since they made sure to always see Cloud at least twice a day and Keith roughly about three or four times during the week (they knew he was very busy cleaning up after other people's messes).

But hearing there was a possible threat to their mother, Scarlet had all four in her workshop for the next month until the all-clear was given by the Turks. Cloud was quite firm about the safety of his employees and would use all means at his fingertips to ensure they could all work in peace.

The Tsviets continued to sleep in weird places, but at least they could be tracked this time.

Although the trackers didn't help when they found one of the four wedged in a closet of an almost impossible space.

The one time Keith found Rosso and Weiss curled up under his desk, he unplugged his laptop and worked on the floor next to them, tossing a blanket over them as an afterthought.

Angeal ended up finding Azul and Rosso in the boot of the car Zack and he had taken to visit Aerith. Angeal had gone to learn more about his Cetra Heritage, something that had Azul piping up often to chip in his own experiences that were similar.

-o0o-

 _ **Omake**_

-o0o-

The first time Lance and Shiro found the Tsviets sleeping in an odd puppy pile, strewn all over the couch with none of them facing up the right way, Scarlet was surprised to see the two had no reaction.

When she enquired why they didn't find it strange, thanking them as well for finding them, Lance replied without hesitation.

"Keith sleeps the same way, but only when he naps. You have no idea how many times we've found him wedged between the wall and the bed, or in the kitchen cupboard that's half his size. We've also heard stories from the Trinity and Zack about Cloud being the same way, often they'll walk in and find this upside down scaled cocoon hanging from a rafter they didn't know was there."

Omael was quick to confirm, Vincent nodding absentmindedly while pulling up a picture on his phone, showing a 16 year old Keith snuggling up with a baby Sephiroth, upside down on a rickety looking chair with one leg propped up on the backrest.

The head of the science department one upped Vincent's photo by showing a 11 year old Keith who had squeezed himself between a mako tank and a cupboard in his lab.

Keith had no idea they had those pictures and demanded copies, he was making a scrapbook of his youth, and if he got some candid ones with baby Seph in them he would be happy. He already had one of him and Cloud, Mama Strife had wanted some pictures of him as a kid before he met her anyway.

 _And if his boys got their hands on some of the pictures, he turned a blind eye to those._

-o0o-

 _A/N: Hope you enjoyed, this story came around as I had to get a wisdom tooth out, ChaosBalance also has to as well, and then they thought up the idea of one of the Tsviets having to go through the same ordeal. It then progressed to weird sleeping positions (I am guilty of such, sometimes I fall asleep on the couch in a position that should not be comfortable), and thus this was born._

 _Well, I've got work tomorrow, so any update will be a week a way at the least. So see you then!_

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3  
_


	24. Chp 24: Hot Water Problems

**Chapter 24: Hot Water Problems**

-o0o-

 **The Tower will never take hot water for granted ever again.**

-o0o-

 _A small chapter, hope you enjoy!_

Disclaimer: Per usual, the characters belong to their respective owners.

-o0o-

Everyone in the tower had by now become used to the Network.

They were accustomed to the odd cravings, random urges to babysit the Tsviet's, the need to hand Sephiroth painkillers, etc.

But they hadn't realized that the Network connected them all in a few more ways than what they already knew.

-o0o-

Reno had been enjoying a nice post-mission nap when he was rudely awoken by the sound of high-pitched screaming.

The sound of glass breaking was just a side-note.

 _And apparently Rude could reach a pitch high enough to break bulletproof glass._

 _Well, now they knew who to call if they needed thick glass broken._

-o0o-

Cloud was not happy to be woken up after a five day rutt to the sound of a high pitched shriek, and two simultaneous yelps followed by muffled thumps.

Opening his eyes, he found both Angeal and Genesis sprawled on the floor, most likely they had fallen off the bed.

He heard a loud crashing noise in the kitchen and loud swearing.

Huh, he needed to find out where Zack heard those curses.

Before he could even ask what had happened, Sephiroth came streaking out of the bathroom, with at least four towels wrapped around himself, lunging for the warmest thing he could find.

Which happened to be Cloud.

It took a few seconds for Cloud to register the icy chill of Sephiroth's skin, which always ran hot due to their enhancements.

Angeal and Genesis had by now shaken off the chill, seeing that Sephiroth was in dire need of heat and so joined the impromptu cuddle pile on the bed.

Zack joined them moments later with a steaming bowl, it didn't smell appetizing but it was something warm.

Sephiroth didn't care at all about the taste, shovelling the bowlful down as fast as he could swallow.

"Fridge is empty, we'll have to do a grocery run. Could only whip this up on short notice." Zack explained, as he scooted behind Seph so he could help Cloud dry Seph's dripping silver locks.

"It's warm. Taste doesn't matter." Seph mumbled out in between bites.

 _Elsewhere in the tower, several other staff had found out the water issues . . ._

-o0o-

"Uh . . . Keith?"

"Yeah?" Keith glanced up from the folder he had been flicking through (applications from infantry man wanting to transfer into the custodian unit), ignoring Shiro scowling from the couch, _so he had broken the 'no bringing work back home'_ _rule, but he had to read through these applications before the end of the week,_ to where Lance was peeking his head out of the bathroom.

"I think there's something wrong with the hot water."

" . . . . . Be right there."

Keith had a funny feeling it might have something to do with the plumbers that came in the other week, but his Rut had turned up at the wrong time so he hadn't been present while they had been doing general maintenance.

Thankfully his Rut had been short, lasting only three days instead of the general five, meaning he was able to get back to work, Cloud was due to have finished last night.

As he turned the shower on, the pipes made an odd rattling sound before the water sprayed out, the temperature was lukewarm to him, but to one who hadn't grown up bathing in the Nibel streams, it would be glacial.

"Okay . . . I see the issue here."

When Keith glanced over his shoulder, he was not expecting to see the wide eyed expression of horror on Lance's face.

"What?"

"H-how, that water is like ice!"

"Uh, I grew up in Nibel, remember? I literally bathed in ice cold water on a daily basis. Plus, Dragon mutation?"

" . . . . Oh, right. Forgot about that for a bit. I'll, go let Shiro know."

Considering the water for the Turk's apartments used the same pipes as the tower's, it was no long stretch to think that the whole tower's hot water was out of order.

 _He would probably have to ring up Cloud, and send out a company wide text._

-o0o-

The general staff didn't have any issues with the hot water problems, but the SOLDIER's that used the gym showers and those that lived in the company apartments, they certainly had issues.

Keith let Cloud handle the complaints while he went to see if he could find out what was wrong with the water heating systems (a bunch of huge hot water tanks that were housed on different levels in the tower), to see if it was just an isolated incident or if it affected all of the hot water tanks.

Which meant Cloud had to listen to the grumbling and complaining of disgruntled employees straight after he had finished his Rut.

So of course he was not in a pleasant mood.

He only managed to last through two hours of complaining.

-o0o-

"As much as I would love to provide a solution, this is beyond my plumbing skills. I'll have to ring up the company we contracted and try to find out what happened."

Cloud let out a groan, sprawling on the ground next to Keith's toolbox.

"If I hear another complaint I'm going to break something."

Keith couldn't help but snort, dropping his spanner into his toolkit before pulling out his PHS.

"If you have any temporary solutions, go for it."

Cloud pouted and walked off, probably to go sulk and find his mates.

-o0o-

"You know I was joking, right?"

Cloud just gave Keith a smug grin from where he was floating in the water of one of the larger tanks.

"Just . . . why are you soaking in the hot water tank?"

"Everyone is complaining and begging me to do something, so I'm doing something."

"But, soaking in the tanks?"

"Uh, I overheat midway through **SPRING** , so what do you think I'm doing?"

"Huh, that's not a bad idea. Well, I got a hold of the plumbing company, turns out they were short of hands so they had to use an apprentice. Who apparently had no idea what they were doing and made a mess of things. They can be out here in fifteen minutes, do repairs free of charge. How long do you think it would take for you to heat up this entire tank?"

"Fifteen minutes, give or take."

"Think it'd go faster with the two of us?"

" . . . . Six minutes?"

"Let me get the plumbers set up, let the staff know which showers can be used, and then I'll come join you."

"Sounds good to me."

Keith flashed Cloud an offhanded salute and ran off to get things set up.

-o0o-

Two hours later, at least 45% of the live-in staff and SOLDIERs had gotten their warm showers, all of them now thinking they would never take hot water for granted ever again.

Sephiroth was the one to announce half an hour later that the repairs were successful, but to refrain from taking any hot showers for the rest of the day as the repairs were a temporary patch until the plumbing company could get in the proper materials since they had been called on such short notice.

When the company found out how they got their hot water while the repairs were being done, it made them both amazed and frightened of Nibelheim people again

Zack had shot a video of Cloud and Keith both clambering out of the hot water tanks, the water evaporating into steam on their skin.

"Were you guys _heating_ the water?"

"Yep, since we're the only ones that find what you consider ice cold as merely lukewarm, besides materia, this was the easier temp solution." Keith explained as he pulled his clothes back on.

Zack had kept his phone focused above the waist, so those watching didn't get to see the full picture of what was meant to only be for the dragon's mates.

"But, how?"

"Eh, dragon way." Cloud had replied nonchalantly, tugging his shirt back on before asking Keith what other tank they could heat up, leaving Zack spluttering to Genesis about how they could have had a warm bath that morning instead of suffering the cold chills they had experienced until Seph got warmed up.

" _So THAT's why there was some shiny glitter in my shower! It was Scale Dust!"_

" _How do you know what Scale Dust looks like Reno?"_

" _Uh, Keith uses the showers in the gun range all the time. Got curious as to why the showers were a little shiner after he used them."_

-o0o-

It was a week before the plumbers announced the repairs were finished, apologizing immensely for the trouble they had caused, offering a discount of 50% off the next maintenance job they did for the company and they would make sure only their well experienced employees would be assigned.

Cloud soon found his mates taking advantage of his internal heating to have instantaneous baths instead of having to wait for the water to heat up and keep it warm.

Keith only did so when Nuka got whiny and couldn't wait for the water to heat up.

-o0o-

 _A/N: So this was inspired because 'someone' ended up having a cold shower and I was inspired, and thus this chapter was created._

 _Also, a quick update, going up for my brother's graduation so I won't be updating anything this weekend since I don't know if I'll have Wifi or not, so if you've become used to the weekly updates, it's going to stretch for a bit longer._

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_


	25. Chapter 25: Finding The Rhythm

**Chapter 25: Finding The Rhythm**

-o0o-

 **The Tower has a limited number of exercises.**

 **So they bring in a new one.**

-o0o-

 _Just a funny little idea that came to mind, and thus spiraled into this._

Disclaimer: Per usual, all characters belong to their respective owners.

-o0o-

Despite the fact that Ultima Services was way better than how SHINRA used to be, there was a lack of variety in the ways the staff could exercise.

Cloud had found it rather annoying that the SOLDIER's had top priority in the gym, then Turks, then infantry, and then general staff.

Which meant the general staff had no chance to even step into the gym as they would never find any equipment to use.

So when Cloud implemented a rule that all gyms and equipment were free and equal to all (except for the equipment specially made for the SOLDIER's), which meant the staff that had wanted to use the gym could.

It took a little while, but some of the staff became bored with doing the same thing over and over again, eventually making a list of suggestions they hoped to pass along to Cloud, as he had clearly stated he would love to hear any suggestions the staff had, something that President Shinra would never do since he didn't care about his staff at all.

One of those suggestions was this . . . 'Zumba class'.

The staff member that suggested it had seen these classes in Costa del Sol, and was happy to explain with Cloud when the suggestion was followed up.

Once hearing the explanation, Cloud immediately dragged Keith into it (because he wanted it to be a surprise and only Keith could keep his mouth shut), who was more than happy because Lance and Shiro had mentioned they wished there was more variety, rather than running laps or using standard gym equipment.

Which lead to a week of Cloud and Keith running conference calls with a Zumba instructor in Costa del Sol who was more than happy to help them, even offering to run a few introductory classes. Cloud immediately began to arrange transport and accommodation for the instructor, while Keith began to sort out a gym room for them to use, a small one for small sessions and a large one if there were bigger numbers.

The Firsts were helping assist the repairmen who were just finishing up the work on the hot water tanks, and so hadn't noticed how Cloud had taken on another project, while Lance and Shiro saw no difference in Keith's behaviour.

So no one knew about the Zumba classes until the day before, when Cloud sent out an email to all employees that there was an introductory class for a new type of exercise available to all employees, along with a list of what they would need to wear and bring if they wished to participate.

At least 50% of the staff that were free during that time responded, and so they set up the first class at 1pm.

The other 50% either weren't interested or would find their mutated appendages a hindrance (as Cloud had given an indication of the range of movement one would need for this exercise class), but it would be a pretty good turn out and Cloud was raring to go.

Keith was just as eager since he had looked up some videos online and had attempted one in his office when he was sure no one was going to barge in and catch him in the process.

(Cloud may or may not have tried one himself, but he kept that underwraps).

The rest of the Tower (besides the male secretary that had given the suggestion) had no idea what was in store for them.

-o0o-

The 'Zumba' class was a success.

The ones that attended it either loved it, or were determined to improve their skills as they found out they had no rhythm what-so-ever as they struggled to keep up. There was plenty of laughing as people watched others fumble over moves or focused on arms movements and forgetting completely about their legs.

The instructor ( a bubbly woman with pink and blue streaks in her hair named Ezor), had brought along two fellow instructors who were more than happy to join her on this little trip, the instructor herself flitted through and helped those who were struggling the most, giving compliments and generally being a ray of sunshine among those who were dying from the exertion.

Funnily enough it was the Turks that had the most trouble, while they had the fastest reflexes and were highly agile, they couldn't dance for stick. Keith sniggered as he saw the general confusion on the Turk's faces when it came to the hip rolls, Cloud almost stumbled mid-step when he saw Tseng focusing only on the arm movements while his lower half was stiff as stone.

Zack though, was loving the Zumba class.

For a high energy person like him, this was the perfect thing, despite the sweat on his face, he was still jumping around during the breaks while other SOLDIER's were keeling over where they stood.

Omael was the one that surprised everyone the most, while he wasn't so energetic in his movements, he had the rhythm down-pat, not once stumbling and he was able to keep up with the instructors.

Sephiroth was quite glad Cloud had gotten Genesis to tie his hair back before they had started, he didn't want to imagine how it could have gone if he had left his hair loose.

It was hilarious to see that the general staff lasted longer than most of the SOLDIERs, halfway through the 30 minute session most of the SOLDIERs were out of breath and clutching their aching hips, the general staff were only slightly puffed and chatting amongst each other during the break, discussing which of the routines they liked the most.

Lance and Shiro were talking with Genesis and Angeal, Keith had dragged Vincent over to where he and Omael had set themselves up, Cloud was attempting to help Tseng while Reno tried not to crack up watching the failed attempts (Reno was the only Turk besides Vincent that didn't suck, all those missions involving bars were given to Reno cause he could actually dance).

The rest of the session was spent going over the routines they had already learnt, although this time Cloud was glaring at those who sneaked a peek at his mates, and Keith didn't have to since he had showed how possessive he was of his mates the last time someone had dared to try (the culprit in question was due to be discharged from the hospital in two days time, Keith was just more irritated about the broken window he had to replace).

So when Cloud sent out an email a day later asking how the staff found the class, he got many eager replies asking for it to be a regular class.

Ezor was more than happy to be hired (she had become tired of the sun and sand plus she had been wanting to visit a cousin of hers that worked as a mechanic on the Plate), but her fellow instructors had to return to Costa del Sol, so until she found some other instructors she would have to reduce the size of the classes.

So Zumba became a regular class that all staff regardless of department could attend.

Ezor soon found a second instructor, the male secretary in fact who had suggested the Zumba class in the first place, ever since the first class he had been restless and found sitting behind a desk stifling. Cloud didn't have a problem with that at all, personally handling the transfer paperwork himself.

Ezor did give ideas for other classes, but for the moment they would stick with the Zumba, it wouldn't be best to overload the staff with too many options.

-o0o-

"So . . . who taught you how to dance?"

Keith glanced up from his paperwork, seeing it was Shiro that asked the question (Lance was currently running a class for snipers with some Turks), Genesis seemed just as interested.

Keith had no idea why Genesis had decided to drop in on these little afternoon meetings he had with Shiro and Tseng, most likely he was bored.

"Omael did." Keith returned to flicking through his piles of papers, ignoring how Genesis went wide eyed, Tseng did choke a little.

"Vincent's style of dance was a bit more complicated, Omael taught me the traditional waltz before he even let Vincent even attempt to teach me. Seeing how Vincent didn't appreciate the art of classical dance, he got roped in as well. Turns out Omael is quite the perfectionist and had no issue with walloping Vin over the head if he overstepped or stumbled."

"That makes sense now, he does play a lot of classical music in his office." Tseng commented, but he was still baffled over the fact Vincent knew how to breakdance, something he had learned when he asked how the heck Vincent was able to keep up in the Zumba class.

The simple answer of "I know how to breakdance, this is nothing." had Tseng looking at the man in a new light, and wondering the reason why Vincent began to learn how to breakdance.

"Does that answer all of your questions?" Keith raised an eyebrow, tapping his pen on his desk right next to the thick stack of files he was trying to get through before the day ended. He was currently going over equipment requests that needed to be cleared for missions starting next week, and so he didn't have much time to chit-chat.

"Yep, I'll just leave." Genesis could sense his ire and skedaddled, Tseng left momentarily, but Shiro stuck around for a little longer.

"So you want pork or chicken for dinner?"

"Pork please. And can you do those seasoned potatoes like last time? I have a sudden craving for them, they're so good." Keith whined, causing Shiro to chuckle and give his older lover a kiss on the forehead.

"Of course dinner should be done by 7, so don't be late."

"Wouldn't miss it."

Despite the many skills Keith had, he couldn't cook more than the basics.

He could bake, but only because there were specific measurements, there was no way he could stuff up.

But when it came to cooking . . .

Growing up on a mountain meant he grew up roasting meat and having little to no seasonings, so he just ate what he could get.

So when Shiro made these lovely seasoned potatoes with tumeric, paprika and some other things (Keith had no idea what they were), he kind of cried, it was so good.

Once his boys realised Keith saw food as just food, fuel for the tank (the only good food he experienced was when he ate out and that wasn't often), they quickly began to spoil him with their delicious home-cooking.

They only trusted Keith in the kitchen for cutting ingredients and checking if the meat was fully cooked, and he was happy to leave the seasonings up to them.

Lance was still trying to teach Keith how to experiment with baking.

Shiro and Lance had invited Cloud and his mates around for dinner the next week, and Keith was looking forward to seeing how the Firsts reacted to his boys home-cooking, since Genesis was a self-proclaimed gourmet and Angeal had a gift for coleslaw and chips.

 _Crap, now he was hungry . . ._

-o0o-

 _ **OMAKE**_

-o0o-

Vincent got a little too enthusiastic when Zack asked him how to breakdance.

Zack had apparently heard there were breakdancing tournaments in the slums, more particularly in Sector 5, and wanted to participate.

Keith wanted to brush up on his skills, Cloud ended up getting dragged along out of sheer boredom, Omael didn't have much to do and so tagged along.

In the process of teaching Zack, the five of them ended up making a routine, and since Zack wasn't so confident in his new skills, they decided to participate along with him.

Although Keith and Cloud kind of cracked up laughing once they found out exactly what this 'tournament' was.

Vincent was, at first, hesitant if they should participate. Then some idiot decided to insult him, scoffing and loudly stating they hoped his skills were better than his fashion sense.

And so Vincent signed them up, because that was a stain upon his honor, plus he wanted to beat the crap out of the asshole.

Omael also got pissed because he got called old and was automatically seen as a non-participant. Plus he loved seeing the shock when he outlasted the younger bucks who assumed they would win because they were younger and could go longer.

Cloud just took one look at Vincent and motioned that he was the one in charge of things down here. Cloud was just here for some fun, he already had enough work to do, and didn't want to run the 'gang' that had been accidentally formed.

Keith was a familiar face to the slums, so none of them batted an eye at the sight of him with combat boots and ripped jeans, they knew better than to insult him, but none had ever seen him dance, so they most likely thought he was there to keep an eye on his friends.

 **How wrong they were.**

-o0o-

The next fifty minutes, those who had entered the tournament were in Hel.

Or the mortal equivalent of it.

It had started out easy, a few of Don Corneo's men were the first match up, and unlike their fat-ass boss, they actually had some skills.

Only to be crushed when Vincent tore through them, insisting he be the first to get some sweet sweet revenge on the imbeciles who thought they were better than him.

Vincent showed off some very slick and fancy footwork, and when he came out of a flip to fall backwards into a london bridge, and pulled himself upright in one smooth transition, the group opposing them began to lose faith in their skills.

Keith quickly broke the spirits of the next challenger when he easily pulled off a spinning somersault with at least four rotations, giving the poor fool a mocking smile before walking off.

And the burns just got worse when Zack teamed up with Cloud, chucking in many spins and using each other as springboards, but all hell broke loose when Omael started a series of one handed spins, keeping in perfect rhythm with the music making it seem even more impressive.

By the time the whole group took the stage, Vincent doing dive rolls over Cloud's out-spread wings, Omael continuing his fancy spins, Keith getting a boost from Zack to perform an aerial flip, before they finished off with a synchronised sequence of quick stepping.

To push the nail in further, Cloud and Keith both finished off with an impressing high somersault that had their opponents choking on their own spit.

Needless to say they crushed the opposition, and ended up taking over the entire territory that belonged to Don Corneo besides the Honey Bee Inn (as apparently the fat man's break dancing crew basically ran the entire Sector).

Vincent was quite happy to now have territory he could call his own, and looked forward to new challengers.

Although Omael was cackling from all the comments he heard from the onlookers that actually recognised who he was, hushed whispers of "He's a freaking scientist, shouldn't he be out of breath or something?", if anyone dared to call him old, he would just pull up the video that he had Reno record as evidence that he was still alive and kicking.

 _It was just one step into taking over the slums, Don Corneo had no idea what was coming his way._

 _The Honey Bee Inn girls had already been given a head up, and were already planning the respectable services they could offer up to potential customers._

-o0o-

Their collective partners were not amused when the five of them snuck back in the wee hours of the morning, one of Angeal eyes were twitching, Shiro looked exasperated, Sephiroth had an eyebrow raised when he took in Cloud's attire (consisting of lots of leather, why was he wearing his biker gear when his cycle was in the garage?).

Shiro took one look at the virgin killer sweater style of shirt Keith was wearing, giving easy access to take in the sight of his tattoo, and decided he didn't want to know.

He bade Vincent and Omael a good night before dragging Keith off to bed (he would address it when it was a reasonable time to be awake), leaving Omael to scurry off so he could be perfectly coherent when he got back to his real work.

Vincent said nothing, although later when asked by Veld what he had been doing down in the slums in a dance battle, apparently Reno couldn't hold his tongue, he merely replied "It was a good run, and now I have territory for my Spawnlings!"

Veld decided it was better that he didn't know.

Zack and Cloud ended up crashing pretty much (they had been a little high off the atmosphere and the copious amounts of alcohol they had consumed during the winning party, Angeal refused to cook breakfast for them as punishment.

-o0o-

 _A/N: This kind of occurred as me and my mum are now trying to pick up a routine of doing dancing exercises, basically Zumba and so it leaked into the story. Cause at the beginning I had no rhythm what-so-ever, and thought it would be funny to see some fails._

 _So that's another chapter, and hopefully there will be another soon!_

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_


	26. Chp26:ThisIsWhyWeCan'tHaveNiceThings

**Chapter 26: This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things**

-o0o-

The dancing continues.

And even SOLDIER's aren't immune to getting attached to robots like every reasonable human being.

-o0o-

 _Yet another prompt, well, pair of prompts. Which went wayyyy out of control as usual for us._

 _Freerunner4427 -_ _**The complete takeover of the slums was a gradual endeavor. No one really noticed (or just looked the other way) until Don Corneo went missing.**_

 _ **Zack didn't intend for things to get so out of hand when he strapped that knife to the new office Roomba, honest! How was he supposed to know Scarlet would take it as a challenge?!**_

Disclaimer: Per usual, all characters belong to their respective franchises.

-o0o-

Since the slums had been slowly invaded by the dancing troupe (cause that's what they were and Vincent couldn't deny it), things had been going well around the Tower.

Sephiroth wasn't buried under paperwork, Angeal could relax with his gardening, Zack was incessantly training per usual, Genesis was doing . . . whatever he did when he wasn't chasing after cadets to make mini SOLDIER smores.

Keith was having a decent week, his schedules were as normal as they always were, thus meaning he didn't have too many interruptions with his boys.

Vincent was keeping himself busy by hauling the newbie Turks down to the slums for _reconnaissance_ training.

They all had a vision in their mind of what the training would be like, this was **Vincent Valentine** , the Turk of the Turks, the best in the business.

And thus had their hopes and dreams crushed when the man dragged them into a dance battle.

At first they were in disbelief, _this_ was the man who only Veld would take as his partner? **This?!**

Very quickly the ones that had no spirit were cut out, dumped back into the SOLDIER cadets or to the infantry, they weren't cut out to be Turks.

Being a Turk meant doing the unexpected, being thrown to stupid and confounding situations, completing the most tedious and annoying of tasks to get the job done.

If they couldn't adapt, then they were **worthless.**

The ones that survived the culling quickly found this out, as Vincent threw them into as many bars fights that he could (he _**totally**_ wasn't the one that started them).

 _Keith got his kicks coming along and watching the chaos, the newbies not realising he was there to watch them flounder, they just saw him so much around the Tower that it didn't seem funny to see him around the rest of Midgar._

In the end, it was only 5 of the 20 Tseng and Veld had picked as juniors that passed, apparently standards had dropped since Vincent 'died', plus the fact they needed more stooges to rein in that fat idiot of a president as most of the newbies ended up being on guard duty, Reno just happened to be one of the few that had actual potential.

When the ones that didn't make the mark complained, some senior Turks who had been recruits before Vincent went tiptoeing through the tulips commented that the vampiric Turk had the most entertaining and fun training compared to the stiff upper lipped Turks at the time, most of which had gone off and died in their early 40's due to stress related illnesses.

The newbies were in fact lucky that they even got Vincent at all, who had taken a look at the last decade of Turk statistics and promptly declared he was taking over, _what were these idiots doing, they're going to get themselves killed!_

Veld had no issue with this at all, he had been begging to spend more time training the recruits but of course the president had been an absolute ass and wanted quantity over quality.

Tseng had been very happy to direct a furious Keith in the president's path for the next month after he heard what happened, causing the president some minor trauma but it was some sweet revenge at least.

 _Meanwhile . . ._

-o0o-

Cloud was very much aware that Vincent was slowly taking over the slums in his own way while trying to add to his number of spawnlings, but he was a bit more preoccupied by the current ongoing war between Scarlet and a very clueless Zack.

You see, the Tsviets had spent a little too much time on the interweb and thus had suggested something they read on a site ( _the name of which escaped him currently, something to do with cups?_ ),to a very bored Zack.

Who liked said idea and put it into action, without reading the second part of the post.

And thus set cute robotic hell upon the Tower.

-o0o-

Reeve had been proud of his little robots, something Keith had commissioned to give the man a project and to help with minor cleaning that could be spent dealing with idiots who had no idea how much time it took to remove coffee stains from carpets imported from off-continent.

He had decided to call them Roomba's, the name just seemed to stick.

What he hadn't expected was each secretary team that was given one for their offices would find the little cleaning bots adorable and thus name them like they were a pet.

Unfortunately, no one was aware that some SOLDIER's had also claimed few, one in particular being Zack.

No one knew how he managed to get the one defective Roomba that kept running into objects instead of going around them, constantly hitting the walls and running over toes, but Zack loved it and thus named it Lil' Zip.

"Cause he's little and zips around the place!" Zack had proclaimed when Angeal asked why he named the Roomba such (he even placed a label on the Roomba saying so).

"More like Lil' Butt, cause it butt's everything." Genesis snorted, and quickly regretted his words as Zack lunged at him with a shriek quite similar to a harpy, and was thus chased around the Tower the entire day with Zack screaming he needed to 'regain his Roomba's dignity and honor' and for Genesis to apologise or his apples would suffer.

Pidge Holt quickly joined in as she had named her Roomba as Rover, her brother making a snide comment about the name that had her reflexively jumping on anyone who dared to make fun of the name that one bestowed upon their Roomba's.

No one commented on Zack's naming skills again.

-o0o-

Keith knew the Roomba's were a success, but right now he was regretting giving the idea to Reeve as he watched Lil' Zip swipe at a troopers ankles with a knife (thankfully it was slightly blunt unlike the first twenty victims who had a nice sharpened blade nipping at their heels).

Until he saw Sir Jeffers zip by (named as such by Level 15's records staff), gods how could he hate the little things?

They made life so much easier for his janitors.

Hearing yet another shriek, that moment of bliss was over.

Looks like he had to interfere before things escalated.

 _Unfortunately, he wasn't fast enough as word of a little mini robot of chaos roaming the halls reached Scarlet's ears._

 _She took that as a challenge._

-o0o-

Cloud had been too busy dealing with reading through the report of the confounding Gongaga Jungle culling mission (a story for another day) to notice the explosion that suddenly rocked the Tower.

At least, until he was forced to open his wings when his floor dropped out from underneath him.

"SCARLET!"

He knew it was her due to the scent of engine oil permeating the building, a specific oil that Scarlet used especially for her experimental projects.

And he had made his office right above hers, there was no way he was using the President's office, too many bad memories associated with that room.

The woman had the decency to look sheepish as he glared down through the hole in his floor, shoving his desk as far away as he could from said hole so it didn't fall and smash whatever the Hel had she had made to cause the damage.

He didn't have to wait long for Keith to turn up, who took one look at the destruction, the metal destroyer that was the cause of said damage, and let out a heavy sigh.

"Look, Scarlet, I know you heard things about a small destructive robot, but that was **not** a challenge someone set for you. Zack just so happened to put two things that should not be put together, together, and set it loose upon the building. I don't even know who the Hel put the idea into his head, cause that is something that Zack cannot come up with by himself, he's not allowed around small knives in the first place. He can't even use them for Shiva's sake!"

Keith had to take several deep breaths after his mini-rant, a startled Scarlet staring at him in utter shock, but then it clicked.

"Nero does though, and Zack was their designated Babysitter last month."

" . . . . . . Sheeeeeeetttttt."

Keith let out an exaggerated groan, dragging both hands down his face, _he was so done with this._

"I need to have a word with Zack."

Keith began to stomp his way to the staircase, muttering darkly under his breath.

"I'd like him back in one piece!" Cloud shouted after Keith, who gave him a thumbs up over his shoulder before slamming the staircase door behind him.

-o0o-

 _Zack didn't intend for things to get so out of hand when he strapped that knife to the new office Roomba, honest! How was he supposed to know Scarlet would take it as a challenge?!_

"Zack, I know you didn't intend to make a small cute robot of destruction."

"Well, I thought it was a good idea, and I never got nicked by the blade anyway…."

"That's cause Lil' Zip loves you, you are the one being ze cannot harm. Zher only learned not to nick me cause I threatened to set Cronkle on zhem." The purple lizard was more than happy to use Li' Zip as a mini-taxi service.

"Actually Keith? It's more that Lil' Zip CAN'T hurt Zack. I've seen Zher go after Zack more than any other SOLDIER on the floor and he just dodges by reflex. Zack probably doesn't even know he's doing it." A random SOLDIER pipped in, whimpering a little when Keith turned his eyes upon the man, as said eyes were currently glowing and his pupils were slitted.

"Wait, are you talking about the 'Gongagan Touch Me dodge'? I mastered that when I was seven. It's why I was allowed to apply for the SOLDIER program in SHINRA as young as I did."

"Hahhhhh . . . Of course, that's why . . ." Keith sighed, he might have to call in early today.

"So . . . . . am I good?" Zack quiried, one eyebrow raised as he wasn't sure if Keith was still pissed or just exasperated, or maybe a mixture of the two.

"Just . . . just go. And please take that knife off Lil' Zip. It's useful for training, but please don't let him on the secretarial floors with the knife, and any floors that are used for general staff."

Keith turned on his heel and began to walk as fast as he could to his office.

He was definitely taking an early leave.

-o0o-

"Training, huh? Personally I thought getting a nick on the ankle was better then getting turned into a frog and nearly raped but, if you say so…"

Unfortunately for the SOLDIER that stuck around, he, unlike Keith, heard Zack's comment, and went to go throw up the contents of his stomach in the nearest toilet.

The thought alone was revolting.

-o0o-

No one noticed Don Corneo had gone missing.

Well, for the first two days, it was on the third day that his bodyguards couldn't hide it any longer and confessed they had lost him quite a while ago.

Really, they were only bothered by it because now they would be out of a job, and would have to explain how they failed at said job cause the fat slob went missing and was most likely dead at this point.

But they had noticed how the pig had become more paranoid than normal ever since his 'gang' lost to a bunch of newcomers on the dancing scene.

And thus began their two months of hell, having to work overtime and with very little pay, cause his greed was as large as his gut.

The first week wasn't so bad, he just seemed to stare out windows and refused to go to the bathroom on his own.

Which was normal, he had a lot of enemies.

But by the second week it was just ridiculous.

He wouldn't eat anything until he watched it being prepared step by step, which meant at least four of them being in the kitchen watching the cooks, vetting the wait staff, lengths that only a madman would go to in order to escape his impending doom.

The third week they were just done with it all, and resigned themselves to overtime until the fat lady sang, AKA, someone ghosted Corneo.

 _Unfortunately for them, they had to go through another month of this torture until Corneo went missing in the middle of the night, and they kept the name of the one who was on guard duty that night under wraps, no one was going to out him._

 _After working for Corneo for so long, the bodyguards had essentially become a family and would keep each other's secrets under lock and key even if threatened with death._

Fortunately for them, Vincent snapped them up as potential recruits, which resolved their current unemployment problem and some of them wouldn't have to get deported (many of them had snuck in illegally among Corneo's 'cargo').

Many of them passed the recruitment test with flying colors.

Vincent was just gleeful to have more spawnlings.

-o0o-

 _ **OMAKE**_

-o0o-

Lance and Shiro had heard all about the debacle between Scarlet and Zack through the grapevine.

So it was easy enough to hear that Keith had taken the rest of the day off, which meant they had been a bit worried as he hadn't sent them a text or anything. Tseng could see that Lance wasn't focused enough and let him go early, Angeal could see Shiro was anxious and so cut their gardening session short.

They both ran back to the apartment, Shiro fumbling the key in his haste, opening the door to find . . .

Lance choked.

"Uhhh, Keith?"

"Yep?"

"Why are you . . . is that one of Scarlet's summer dresses?"

"Yep."

"Just . . . why?"

"Cause I'm tired, and I can't deal with pants right now. Given the mess she's made, I think borrowing one shouldn't be too much of a deal."

" . . . . Okay . . ."

"We done? I want cuddles now."

"Just cuddles? You do realise, she's not getting that dress back once we're done with it?"

" _ **That's**_ why I chose one of the cheaper ones."

-o0o-

Scarlet was a little mortified to hear what became of her newest dress, _she had only bought that a week ago, it was on sale_ , but remembering Keith's ire, she didn't comment.

Lance also found out he had a little cross-dressing kink, but in this company?

That was rather normal, no one could blame him.

-o0o-

Vincent realised he made a big mistake taking over the slums.

"You only realised now? It's been three months." Omael snickered, pouring the red eyed Turk another glass of wine, _a good one he had been saving, coincidentally bottled on the same year that witch Lucrecia perished._

"The paperwork Omael, THE PAPERWORK."

"You took it over, you suffer the paperwork." Cloud scoffed, Vincent's paperwork was nothing compared to his.

" . . . . I'm going to need an office."

Which was fair, Vincent didn't have an official office, he just flitted around the building and borrowed Veld's desk, he was quite used to not having a lot of material things.

"I'll ask Keith tomorrow if there's an office we can clear out for you to use."

"Why not now?"

Ah, Vincent wasn't aware of the short robot war.

"Scarlet blew a hole in my floor, Keith had a mini-rant, and you know how far he's gone when he starts ranting. So I'm leaving him be until tomorrow, Angeal and Tseng let his boys leave early, so they're most likely keeping him company."

A wise decision, Vincent had only seen Keith go on a rant before, directed at Lucrecia when she had actually dared to question his knowledge of the mountain, it had left her speechless and subdued for a few days.

Hopefully they could set up an office quick, Vincent wasn't sure how much longer he could commandeer the spare lockers where he was storing the paperwork that was currently going out of control.

-o0o-

Keith was perfectly normal the next morning, and quickly cleared out an office in two hours flat (he of course dragged Vincent in to help and Shiro was free at the time). It was only two floors down from the Turk's floor so they didn't have to go far to haul the paperwork down in boxes and they dragged an old desk from storage for Vincent to use until the one they ordered came in.

Vincent happily set his space up, during the week he set it up with knick knacks, his gun cleaning kit, things to make it homely.

Which he then ruined three days later when he became so stressed that Galian Beast came out to play.

Tseng found Vincent crying, actually crying amongst the paper strewn floor, making a side note that they didn't need a paper shredder when they had Gailian to do it for them.

They quickly worked out that Vincent was not suited for office work, Tseng had to physically drag Vincent out of the room and set the nearest pack of Roomba's (because there were packs now) to clear up the shredded paperwork, it was beyond salvaging.

Thus they roped a few of the bodyguards/Turk recruits to help in the paperwork, setting it as tolerance training, because not all missions were about action, some were about patience.

Vincent took a two week break from paperwork before he even stepped into his office, which now housed three desks and some filing cabinets, and had been extended by opening a hole in the wall to the next door room which had been a storage closet no one was using except for miscellaneous items.

No one knew why there had been sound equipment stored ten levels up from the department it was supposed to be in, Genesis had happily stolen the box of low level materia they had discovered, rattling off something along the lines of trying out Materia Fusion, but it had sounded like "ImmaMasterTheseAndSpawnMoreNoOneCanStopMe!" to the ears of the staff that watched as he sprinted down the halls towards some desolate place to cause mayhem and destruction

Cloud later reported that he had heard Genesis muttering something that sounded suspiciously like "My Precioussssss" over the box while he skittered into their shared apartment.

Keith confiscated the box once Cloud informed him of this, and banned Genesis from watching Zack's movies until he 'sobered up'.

He had come across too many cadets with Materia addiction in the past, and had a hoard of Materia that he would never let Genesis know of, some of which he was discreetly passing to the Materia Department when they were running low on stock, or wanted to test out some Materia Fusion.

But all in all, things were back to normal.

Well, as normal as they could be.

-o0o-

 _A/N: We had too much fun writing this one. The dress thing in the Omake was literally how I felt when I came home from a little shopping, and decided "I'm too tired for pants", and threw on a dress cause I will never wear a skirt unless it is absolutely necessary._

 _Hope you enjoyed reading this! And I hope it lived up to your expectations Freerunner4427!_

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_


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